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Original poster

Am I the asshole

179 replies

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 19:51

I appreciate I may waffle and apologise.

me and my partner have had a mostly great relationship. However it is dwindling.
I have 3 children from a previous relationship, and he has 2. (Mine are 4-12, his are 16 and 18).
I put everyone first, my children obviously , and including him, his family, even his friends.
his father has recently passed away, and I have put everything on the back burner (including Xmas shopping for everyone- left until the day before Xmas Eve!!) so that I could be there, and be a shoulder to cry on. There have been a few occasions where he has been anything but nice… but I didn’t take offence due to his grief, and how he handles it. Still trying to hold his hand.
the funeral comes, 21st December, lovely service, hard day, everything going as ok as it could be. I’m there, I’m present, I’m holding his daughter’s hand at the grave side, I’m waiting in the cold with his relative as she waits for a lift in the blistering cold. Sitting with his mother etc. after a long day and lots of beer, we head back to stay at his mothers as she doesn’t want to be alone that night. Everything ok, obviously everyone is sad, but my partner just FLIPS - after I had administered his mums dogs medicine for a poorly ear. And I mean lost his ***, throwing the car keys at me telling me to leave because I’m not welcome. Nobody likes me. I clearly have to leave this house and did end up driving home, alone. (My children were staying with my family). Something I am not proud of and I know I shouldn’t have done but at the moment in time I felt only reasonable way of getting away. had a telling off from MIL the next day.

I still let this slide, he did apologise, but again grief etc.

fast forward Xmas shopping… I was due to go on my own and he said it would make more sense for him to come with and bring the kids. I explained it wouldn’t be a good idea as I would be rushed, and have to hide stuff and it just seemed like a hassle. I wanted to go first thing… he created merry hell and drew an argument out all day and when I gave in and said fine come, he said he couldn’t be bothered, and started drinking.

xmas eve… he tells me he needs to pop out shopping- clearly for me. I have been ‘expecting’ a ring for some time…. Something my partner has gone on about for months and months, and whilst his dad way dying he told
him to make an honest woman of me, so was expecting it even more.

he stops ‘for a pint’ on the way home in Xmas eve. Comes home blind drunk. My mum arrives after an hour drive… he’s throwing up in the toilet I’m trying to do ‘xmas stuff’ usual stuff.

Xmas day… present opening, and considering my last minute shopping due to everything I feel I did very well for him… a tool box on wheels he desperately wanted, a new coat, new electric toothbrush.

my turn… I got a crappy hooded blanket, which is so garish in colour covered in an awful pattern… really not me. And a pair of emoji slippers, again not me. That’s it.

i preceded to drink wine… its Xmas after all, with my mum, whilst prepping dinner, entertaining the kids. He sits in the chair, checking the turkey every now and then.

boxing day… mum goes home I ask for help tidying up, he sits in yhe chair ignoring me a except for making a dig that I got drunk yesterday!

he then stays In bed all day because I had a drink.

today…. He stays in bed til 12…. Comes down and says he’s got to look at a job (he is self employed so this is a normal thing) he ** off, so I go food shopping.
leave the shop and the car won’t start… I’m stranded in aldi car park, it’s pouring down. I call him, well I’ve just finished the job and I’m having a beer with my mate.
sat in the car park for 40 minutes before he came to rescue us. Not before he blames it on Me, u must of left something on in the car for it not to start… its never done it with him… this is his car btw he has been driving mine. He opens yhe bonnet and yhe alternator belt has snapped, so the battery isn’t being charged and the car is . He piles us all in the car whilst effing and jeffing.
drops us home, and * off to the pub. I won’t be long. 4 hours later im still sat here. Waiting again.
my poor kids, whilst happy, I feel sorry for them. We’ve been living on egg shells for ages, and now whilst they have everything they want for Xmas have been sat indoors since Xmas Eve.

sorry I know that’s long and there’s more to add probably but I’m rambling.

I just feel so sad. I feel not important. I feel disappointed

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Nanaof1 · 29/12/2023 05:57

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 20:52

I think that’s a bit uncalled for, based on what I have said, I had a drink at a funeral, and then had a drink on Christmas Day with my mum, who had driven an hour to stay with me… not really a reason to throw these judgments around. I work full time; my children are provided for, have everything they need for. I’m there for them regardless but to throw shame on someone who had a drink on two major occasions is pretty rubbish

WHAT??? Or should I say WTF?! You have had a page and a half telling you, imploring you to walk away from a person who is being abusive and NOT just from grief. You have been "walking on eggshells" for ages.

So, what do you do? You don't acknowledge ANY of the other posts, answer any questions but get all butt-hurt because someone called you and your AOTYP alchies? REALLY?

You are NOT putting everyone first because you are subjecting your children, as young as four, to a "man" who is anything but. What is he? He is this: physically and verbally abusive, alcohol abuser, cruel, dismissive, and mentally unstable (not unwell--unSTABLE). You say your kids are happy? I doubt that very much. Walking on eggshells has never produced "happy children".

The fact that out of ALL of those posts, you picked up on the one that mentioned it sounds like you both are drinking too much, makes me think there is a reason you picked up on that and ignored the others. And it suggests that, perhaps, "Thou protests too much". At the very least, HE has a drinking problem and your children are suffering being under the same roof as an abuser.

I see no redeeming qualities in him from any of your posts. A ring? You need to reclaim your car and get your children somewhere that isn't fraught with such instability. You owe your children that much.

Copperoliverbear · 28/12/2023 22:35

I'm afraid it would be new year, new start for me. He'd be gone. X

Gardeningtime · 28/12/2023 22:34

What are dping? Staying with this man, getting drunk in Xmas day when you’ve kids, drunk driving. What’s wrong with you? Why are you doing these things?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 28/12/2023 22:28

LTB.

Op you deserve better and so do your poor kids. Grief or not his behaviour is abusive and your kids shouldn’t be exposed to this. Please think of them and move on.

Pootle23 · 28/12/2023 22:20

His behaviour isn’t anything to do with his Dad. My husband has lost both his parents and never behaved in the manner you are describing.

I’m not normally one to advocate leaving but when alcohol is more important than you and the children I would run for the hills.

He isn’t going to improve. Sorry. 😔

AnneValentine · 28/12/2023 22:15

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 21:59

  1. We don't know how far he was going to escalate so you cannot state with certainty that he was a low level of danger to her.
  2. You fail to understand how coercive control works.
  3. Had she left on foot, he could have jumped into his car drunk and (intentionally or otherwise) run her over.

The drink-driving incident was a symptom of abuse. The abuse must end.

Show quote history

🙄😂

Allfur · 28/12/2023 22:13

Leave him and start getting your shopping delivered. Remove stress triggers from your life

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 22:10

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 21:59

  1. We don't know how far he was going to escalate so you cannot state with certainty that he was a low level of danger to her.
  2. You fail to understand how coercive control works.
  3. Had she left on foot, he could have jumped into his car drunk and (intentionally or otherwise) run her over.

The drink-driving incident was a symptom of abuse. The abuse must end.

Show quote history

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4971359-was-attacked-by-a-stranger-a-few-hours-ago-waiting-for-the-police ⬅ In seconds, this man went from zero to dragging a stranger woman out of her car and destroying her cell phone because her disabled mother needed time to back the car out of a parking space. And he did it in front of his children and their mother, demonstrating that the presence of an abuser's family members do not deter him from abusing. I am not exaggerating when I say that we cannot know how far OP's bf would escalate.

Was attacked by a stranger a few hours ago, Waiting for the police | Mumsnet

I was with my disabled mum and my nan earlier in a supermarket, She had parked in a disabled parking space. We did a small shop then returned to the c...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4971359-was-attacked-by-a-stranger-a-few-hours-ago-waiting-for-the-police

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 21:59

AnneValentine · 28/12/2023 21:49

She wasn’t exposed to the level of threat you’re describing and even if she were she could have simply walked out the door.

Show quote history
  1. We don't know how far he was going to escalate so you cannot state with certainty that he was a low level of danger to her.
  2. You fail to understand how coercive control works.
  3. Had she left on foot, he could have jumped into his car drunk and (intentionally or otherwise) run her over.

The drink-driving incident was a symptom of abuse. The abuse must end.

AnneValentine · 28/12/2023 21:49

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 21:41

Savita Halappanavar wouldn't have dreamt of aborting, right up until she realised that her septic miscarriage would kill her if she didn't. My point was that people's principled objections will melt like a snowflake in a steelworks when their lives are in danger. I think that if you, I, or anyone else were subjected to sufficient threat, we would drive whilst drunk if that was our only option to escape. I think worse of someone who doesn't accept the possibility that they might lose their principles under sufficient duress, because I can't respect someone who denies how strong the instinct to survive is.

We were not there and so cannot know how scared OP was. But we do know that her bf was instructing her to drive home by throwing car keys at her when he knew that she had been drinking (yet no one blames him even partially for OP driving), assaulting her in the process, abusing her verbally as well, and as far as we can tell none of the other adults in the house, including her bf's sanctimonious preachy and cowardly mother had her back on this. Could she know how far he would go to hurt her? Could she afford to take the risk of staying, or delaying her departure by waiting for a taxi to arrive?

So I say that OP was lucky that she was not stopped by the police and she was lucky that she didn't cause an accident, and she must make sure that she never drink-drives again. And the best way to ensure that she never drink-drives again is for her to get her abusive bf out of her life today.

Show quote history

She wasn’t exposed to the level of threat you’re describing and even if she were she could have simply walked out the door.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 21:41

AnneValentine · 28/12/2023 20:42

Back at you.

Show quote history

Savita Halappanavar wouldn't have dreamt of aborting, right up until she realised that her septic miscarriage would kill her if she didn't. My point was that people's principled objections will melt like a snowflake in a steelworks when their lives are in danger. I think that if you, I, or anyone else were subjected to sufficient threat, we would drive whilst drunk if that was our only option to escape. I think worse of someone who doesn't accept the possibility that they might lose their principles under sufficient duress, because I can't respect someone who denies how strong the instinct to survive is.

We were not there and so cannot know how scared OP was. But we do know that her bf was instructing her to drive home by throwing car keys at her when he knew that she had been drinking (yet no one blames him even partially for OP driving), assaulting her in the process, abusing her verbally as well, and as far as we can tell none of the other adults in the house, including her bf's sanctimonious preachy and cowardly mother had her back on this. Could she know how far he would go to hurt her? Could she afford to take the risk of staying, or delaying her departure by waiting for a taxi to arrive?

So I say that OP was lucky that she was not stopped by the police and she was lucky that she didn't cause an accident, and she must make sure that she never drink-drives again. And the best way to ensure that she never drink-drives again is for her to get her abusive bf out of her life today.

AnneValentine · 28/12/2023 20:42

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 19:28

That whooshing sound was my point flying over your head.

Show quote history

Back at you.

Crazyhousewife23 · 28/12/2023 19:34

He sounds like an utter prick. His lashing out is out of order and he seems so selfish. He may be grieving but there is no need for his behaviour. Why are you and your children living like this? You sound like you are running around to please him and he couldn’t care less. Send him to his mother and see how well he manages then and get your car back?!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/12/2023 19:28

AnneValentine · 28/12/2023 09:03

I wouldn’t drive. It would never ever occur to me to drink and drive. Ever.

Show quote history

That whooshing sound was my point flying over your head.

Muchof · 28/12/2023 11:35

You have a crap relationship. You are an ass in a way, but only because you are staying with this piece of shit and subjecting your children to it. Come on and get rid. You can do better than this.

Laszlomydarling · 28/12/2023 11:00

Please be aware that you and your partner are teaching your sons and daughters what a relationship should look like.
You will be so much happier free of this awful man.

TheChippendenSpook · 28/12/2023 10:49

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2023 01:30

I think they both are.

Both are behaving appallingly so far as their children are concerned.

OP is delusional if she thinks the toxic environment she's inflicting on her children isn't damaging. And she's focusing on not getting a ring?

Show quote history

And she drove whilst under the influence.

hevs03 · 28/12/2023 10:04

You stated you and your children are walking on eggshells around him, that say's it all to me, he is a nasty vindictive man who is causing you and your children to be anxious and unhappy. If you stay with him he will continue to make your life hell and your children will be affected now and in the future. Please re-read your first post and realise that life is too short and you and your children deserve to be happy, I don't believe you will be with him. Please put your children first and if that means leaving him then do it, start 2024 as you mean to go on, happy, safe and full of self respect.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/12/2023 09:49

Imagine if you weren't with this terrible man and you'd spent the build up to Christmas enjoying Christmas with your children, creating memories and spending quality time with them?

Imagine if you'd spent Christmas Day with your children, watching them opening presents, enjoying the day and relaxing?

You are missing so much by being with this man.

Put your children and yourself first and never, ever see him again.

You don't need him and grief is no excuse.

Babyblackbear78 · 28/12/2023 09:35

There is nothing healthy about this relationship. Poor kids.

ManateeFair · 28/12/2023 09:26

You’ve posted about this arsehole before, haven’t you?

Everyone told you then that he’s abusive and you need to leave him. Take their advice.

AnneValentine · 28/12/2023 09:03

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 23:06

OP doesn't have a drink problem, she has a boyfriend problem.

If a man got drunk and threw keys at you and verbally abused you, would you feel safe waiting for a taxi to arrive? OP doesn't mention anyone stepping in to protect her and implies the opposite, that they agreed with him:

Everything ok, obviously everyone is sad, but my partner just FLIPS - after I had administered his mums dogs medicine for a poorly ear. And I mean lost his ##, throwing the car keys at me telling me to leave because I’m not welcome. Nobody likes me. I clearly have to leave this house and did end up driving home, alone.

If a woman can't have a drink at a wake because she might have to drive away from an abusive boyfriend later on, then she has a boyfriend problem. If her boyfriend is assaulting her by throwing car keys at her, instructing her to drive home when he knows that she's had a drink, she has a boyfriend problem. And if boyfriend's mum is prepared to give OP an earful after the fact but isn't prepared to tell her son to back off and isn't prepared to try to protect OP whilst she waits for a taxi, then OP has a boyfriend's mum problem too.

We can assert that drink-driving is illegal and dangerous and also recognise that the OP's decision to do so was made after assault with her assailant still present and coercing her. Which is why it's so important that OP leaves him: he's coerced her into breaking the law.

And before you ask why she didn't call the police, the response time is 15 minutes minimum for a crime in progress reported via 999, by which time it could have been a glass to her face.

Edited
Show quote history

I wouldn’t drive. It would never ever occur to me to drink and drive. Ever.

HolidayAddict23 · 28/12/2023 07:41

I can’t believe you’re actually waiting on a ring from this twat! Pull yourself together, think of your children and throw him out

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 28/12/2023 01:30

Fullofxmascbeer · 28/12/2023 01:22

You aren’t the asshole here.

I think they both are.

Both are behaving appallingly so far as their children are concerned.

OP is delusional if she thinks the toxic environment she's inflicting on her children isn't damaging. And she's focusing on not getting a ring?

Poppyseason · 28/12/2023 01:27

@Nothappy1987 you are not in a happy or safe relationship. Please let that sink in.

A Dr I heard speaking once said something that sticks in my mind. He basicallys said a relationship should be safe always but happy 95% of the time. The problem is some people accept the opposite 95% misery/selfish/unkind and 5% good. Those relationships are always deeply problematic and terribly unfair on one person in the relationship and any children involved...

The above sounds like your situation. You sound humiliated, put down, controlled and manipulated. Please do not want, expect or accept a ring from this person. Please make a plan to leave.