Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the asshole

179 replies

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 19:51

I appreciate I may waffle and apologise.

me and my partner have had a mostly great relationship. However it is dwindling.
I have 3 children from a previous relationship, and he has 2. (Mine are 4-12, his are 16 and 18).
I put everyone first, my children obviously , and including him, his family, even his friends.
his father has recently passed away, and I have put everything on the back burner (including Xmas shopping for everyone- left until the day before Xmas Eve!!) so that I could be there, and be a shoulder to cry on. There have been a few occasions where he has been anything but nice… but I didn’t take offence due to his grief, and how he handles it. Still trying to hold his hand.
the funeral comes, 21st December, lovely service, hard day, everything going as ok as it could be. I’m there, I’m present, I’m holding his daughter’s hand at the grave side, I’m waiting in the cold with his relative as she waits for a lift in the blistering cold. Sitting with his mother etc. after a long day and lots of beer, we head back to stay at his mothers as she doesn’t want to be alone that night. Everything ok, obviously everyone is sad, but my partner just FLIPS - after I had administered his mums dogs medicine for a poorly ear. And I mean lost his ***, throwing the car keys at me telling me to leave because I’m not welcome. Nobody likes me. I clearly have to leave this house and did end up driving home, alone. (My children were staying with my family). Something I am not proud of and I know I shouldn’t have done but at the moment in time I felt only reasonable way of getting away. had a telling off from MIL the next day.

I still let this slide, he did apologise, but again grief etc.

fast forward Xmas shopping… I was due to go on my own and he said it would make more sense for him to come with and bring the kids. I explained it wouldn’t be a good idea as I would be rushed, and have to hide stuff and it just seemed like a hassle. I wanted to go first thing… he created merry hell and drew an argument out all day and when I gave in and said fine come, he said he couldn’t be bothered, and started drinking.

xmas eve… he tells me he needs to pop out shopping- clearly for me. I have been ‘expecting’ a ring for some time…. Something my partner has gone on about for months and months, and whilst his dad way dying he told
him to make an honest woman of me, so was expecting it even more.

he stops ‘for a pint’ on the way home in Xmas eve. Comes home blind drunk. My mum arrives after an hour drive… he’s throwing up in the toilet I’m trying to do ‘xmas stuff’ usual stuff.

Xmas day… present opening, and considering my last minute shopping due to everything I feel I did very well for him… a tool box on wheels he desperately wanted, a new coat, new electric toothbrush.

my turn… I got a crappy hooded blanket, which is so garish in colour covered in an awful pattern… really not me. And a pair of emoji slippers, again not me. That’s it.

i preceded to drink wine… its Xmas after all, with my mum, whilst prepping dinner, entertaining the kids. He sits in the chair, checking the turkey every now and then.

boxing day… mum goes home I ask for help tidying up, he sits in yhe chair ignoring me a except for making a dig that I got drunk yesterday!

he then stays In bed all day because I had a drink.

today…. He stays in bed til 12…. Comes down and says he’s got to look at a job (he is self employed so this is a normal thing) he ** off, so I go food shopping.
leave the shop and the car won’t start… I’m stranded in aldi car park, it’s pouring down. I call him, well I’ve just finished the job and I’m having a beer with my mate.
sat in the car park for 40 minutes before he came to rescue us. Not before he blames it on Me, u must of left something on in the car for it not to start… its never done it with him… this is his car btw he has been driving mine. He opens yhe bonnet and yhe alternator belt has snapped, so the battery isn’t being charged and the car is . He piles us all in the car whilst effing and jeffing.
drops us home, and * off to the pub. I won’t be long. 4 hours later im still sat here. Waiting again.
my poor kids, whilst happy, I feel sorry for them. We’ve been living on egg shells for ages, and now whilst they have everything they want for Xmas have been sat indoors since Xmas Eve.

sorry I know that’s long and there’s more to add probably but I’m rambling.

I just feel so sad. I feel not important. I feel disappointed

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/12/2023 22:08

GrazingSheep · 27/12/2023 22:01

@CalistoNoSolo
For some people being in a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, is better than no relationship. Children are collateral damage.

This!

Why do people put themselves and their relationships before the welfare of their children?

It's bewildering

Dotcheck · 27/12/2023 22:10

What an awful relationship.
Op, the funeral didn’t cause you to leave everything to the last minute.
I can’t understand why you are with him after the way he spoke to you.

GrazingSheep · 27/12/2023 22:10

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor
They delude themselves thinking their children adore their new partner.

DropDeadFreida · 27/12/2023 22:12

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 20:52

I think that’s a bit uncalled for, based on what I have said, I had a drink at a funeral, and then had a drink on Christmas Day with my mum, who had driven an hour to stay with me… not really a reason to throw these judgments around. I work full time; my children are provided for, have everything they need for. I’m there for them regardless but to throw shame on someone who had a drink on two major occasions is pretty rubbish

I would argue that you are not providing your children with everything they need. You are not providing them with safety. If you, a grown woman, gets so upset by his behaviour and feel like you're walking on eggshells then can you not imagine what it must be like for a child to witness his rages?

You are expending all this emotional energy on this useless scumbag when you should be focusing on your children.

Stop putting your need for a relationship above your children's needs and get your priorities straight.

Redebs · 27/12/2023 22:14

You want advice?

Don't drink and drive EVER

Leave him.

Stop the booze.

AuContraire · 27/12/2023 22:19

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 20:13

I will state that his mum
didnt have a go at me for leaving, she told em off for drink driving which is/was not acceptable

Yes, you are the asshole. As is he.

You both drink and drive, what the fuck is wrong with you both.

mottytotty · 27/12/2023 22:21

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 20:52

I think that’s a bit uncalled for, based on what I have said, I had a drink at a funeral, and then had a drink on Christmas Day with my mum, who had driven an hour to stay with me… not really a reason to throw these judgments around. I work full time; my children are provided for, have everything they need for. I’m there for them regardless but to throw shame on someone who had a drink on two major occasions is pretty rubbish

OP, I implore you to please focus on the 100 people telling you you are in an abusive relationship and that you need to dump this man, asap, for the sake of yourself and your children.

grumpycow1 · 27/12/2023 22:27

You were drink driving? That is inexcusable and you need to sort your shit out. You really want your kids to have a mum that drinks and drives?

This man is no good for you and will only drag you down. Run as fast as you can and seek help for your own issues. For your kids’ sakes. Be a better person for them.

grumpycow1 · 27/12/2023 22:28

Oh and he is definitely an abusive twat. Wouldn’t want someone like that anywhere near my kids!!

Andarna · 27/12/2023 22:40

His dad dying is no excuse. I know plenty of people (including DH and me) who lost a parent and none of them turned into abusive fucks because of that. This man is being awful to you becayse he can get away with it. Dump him.

CharlieBoo · 27/12/2023 22:44

You’re waiting for a ring from this man? Are you serious? Give yourself a good talking to and fuck him off .. no one needs this sort of man in their life and their kids lives..

Howbizzare22 · 27/12/2023 22:47

Oh I’m so sorry OP this is awful. Yeh sometimes we can excuse shit behaviour when someone is grieving but my god not to this extent- there’s way more to this than grief.
. You’ve put up with enough & anymore will erode your MH. And your kids’ Sorry but it’s a LTB imo.

whynotwhatknot · 27/12/2023 22:50

my dm died quite young and i ddint abuse anyone i was distraught with grief but never acted like tha towards anyone

no excuse for it

Justgorgeous · 27/12/2023 22:51

Please get your children away from this drunk and abusive utter arsehole. Your children deserve so much more than this.

Achoo2 · 27/12/2023 22:55

I buried my dad the day after your husband's dad's funeral. As a family, we have had to care for him for years, screwing up any plans and things we all wanted to do. At times, I would silently scream with the stress of it all, and the inability to get a break. We all had differing emotions at different times, and not once, we're any of us deliberately abusive to one another. In addition to that, my dad, who had 3 diseases that were absolutely wicked, never complained or directed his pain or emotions into us. That is love.

Achoo2 · 27/12/2023 22:58

A footnote: think long and hard about marrying this man. I can guarantee you that 'in sickness' he'd be an absolute bellend towards you, as he's already behaving like that 'in health'.

PreferablyNot · 27/12/2023 22:58

Trying to reason with someone who turns to alcohol regularly is hard, I've been there. Especially after they've had a drink (or several). Even grieving, if he is going to constantly choose relying on alcohol then I would definitely consider where you see your relationship going.

I had this with my DH. He is not a mean man by nature, but alcohol makes him hostile and cold. It changes his whole demeanour, and it took a very long time for us to come to an understanding of what was more important- that drinking habit or our relationship?

He wouldn't believe me for so long that drinking affected him, he was so quick to judge me for a very rare few drinks on a night out though.

You are not the asshole, unfortunately he is. I'm sorry you are having to take this abuse from him right now. If it continues, I hope you are able to fight for what is right for you.

Woodenmouse87 · 27/12/2023 23:00

What everyone else has said... this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship!

dingdonggooley · 27/12/2023 23:00

"I put everyone first, my children obviously"

Sorry but you haven't if you've been letting them live with this arsehole and holding out to marry him, esp the poor 4 year old.

Groovee · 27/12/2023 23:01

Firstly get your car back. If the house is yours pack up his stuff. It's ok for him to drink himself silly but you aren't allowed a few wines with your mum? That's really not fair on you.

TheSunIsOutAndTheSkyIsBlue · 27/12/2023 23:02

Nothappy1987 · 27/12/2023 20:52

I think that’s a bit uncalled for, based on what I have said, I had a drink at a funeral, and then had a drink on Christmas Day with my mum, who had driven an hour to stay with me… not really a reason to throw these judgments around. I work full time; my children are provided for, have everything they need for. I’m there for them regardless but to throw shame on someone who had a drink on two major occasions is pretty rubbish

Why only focus on that reply (though I have no idea which post you are on about as you didnt quote it)???

You have had lots of posts of support in the answers, plus lots of questions. Can you answer some?!

mn29 · 27/12/2023 23:03

You need to leave this relationship with this awful man. Find someone who respects you and makes you feel valued, instead of the opposite.

Epidote · 27/12/2023 23:05

He is disgusting.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/12/2023 23:06

AnneValentine · 27/12/2023 21:36

Yes. If you drink drive you absolutely have a drink problem.

Show quote history

OP doesn't have a drink problem, she has a boyfriend problem.

If a man got drunk and threw keys at you and verbally abused you, would you feel safe waiting for a taxi to arrive? OP doesn't mention anyone stepping in to protect her and implies the opposite, that they agreed with him:

Everything ok, obviously everyone is sad, but my partner just FLIPS - after I had administered his mums dogs medicine for a poorly ear. And I mean lost his ##, throwing the car keys at me telling me to leave because I’m not welcome. Nobody likes me. I clearly have to leave this house and did end up driving home, alone.

If a woman can't have a drink at a wake because she might have to drive away from an abusive boyfriend later on, then she has a boyfriend problem. If her boyfriend is assaulting her by throwing car keys at her, instructing her to drive home when he knows that she's had a drink, she has a boyfriend problem. And if boyfriend's mum is prepared to give OP an earful after the fact but isn't prepared to tell her son to back off and isn't prepared to try to protect OP whilst she waits for a taxi, then OP has a boyfriend's mum problem too.

We can assert that drink-driving is illegal and dangerous and also recognise that the OP's decision to do so was made after assault with her assailant still present and coercing her. Which is why it's so important that OP leaves him: he's coerced her into breaking the law.

And before you ask why she didn't call the police, the response time is 15 minutes minimum for a crime in progress reported via 999, by which time it could have been a glass to her face.

AffableApple · 27/12/2023 23:09

I don't care how shitty you feel, YABVU to drink drive. Leave this man, take your children out of this unhappy home, get some self respect. Enjoy your life. (But don't threaten others' lives by getting behind a wheel, drunk. That is unforgivable.)

Swipe left for the next trending thread