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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

23 and 18?

151 replies

KSaylor · 26/11/2023 23:54

I'm just asking before I say anything to my son and cause drama.
My son is 23 (24 in January), recently moved to London for his job, never had a girlfriend before. At his job there is an 18 year old degree apprentice, she only turned 18 in August and they are now dating.
My daughters 18 and 20 respectively think 18 and 23 is wild. She is just starting uni he's left etc. They keep calling it creepy.
To me 5 years isn't that big of a deal? I appreciate that appropriate age gaps change with age (ie 18 and 25 might be odd but 28 and 35 not).
AIBU to be wondering if this age gap is appropriate and if I should say something to my son?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 26/11/2023 23:56

Nope. Same age as me and my first boyfriend when we got together.

SuperSue77 · 26/11/2023 23:58

I don’t think it’s a problem at all. Doesn’t suit your daughters, so they don’t need to get themselves an older boyfriend. I don’t think you should say anything to your son and I agree with you not a big deal.

TheresaCrowd · 26/11/2023 23:59

It's no problem at all but your daughters sound a bit nasty.

mrsfollowill · 27/11/2023 00:04

No problem with with that especially as your DS sounds inexperienced! If he was a 'player' and put himself around then it would be different but your daughters need to butt out.

Mumof1andacat · 27/11/2023 00:12

I would imagine at 23 he's a little more grounded and more mature. His girlfriend wants that and likes those qualities.

Bellyblueboy · 27/11/2023 00:14

What does his employer think? Is he in a position of authority over her? She is technically an adult but still very young. If it goes wrong and emotion spills into the workplace his bosses will not be sympathetic.

the age difference isn’t huge but noticeable - especially in the workplace.

Original poster
KSaylor · 27/11/2023 00:18

Bellyblueboy · 27/11/2023 00:14

What does his employer think? Is he in a position of authority over her? She is technically an adult but still very young. If it goes wrong and emotion spills into the workplace his bosses will not be sympathetic.

the age difference isn’t huge but noticeable - especially in the workplace.

I don't think they are in the same department. I jokingly said "you'll get sick of each other if you spend all day together then meet in the evening" he said he barely sees her at work, half the time they don't even take lunch together.

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 27/11/2023 00:20

If you say something to your son he might take it as you calling him a pervert.

5 years is no big deal when both are over 18.

HelenaCh9 · 27/11/2023 00:22

I honestly don’t think this is a problem.

Treaclesandwich · 27/11/2023 00:26

I don’t see any problem.

Rightsraptor · 27/11/2023 00:28

Age gaps seem to have become more of a thing recently for younger people. Time was when what you describe would have been thought quite usual.

I definitely wouldn't say anything to him, let him enjoy himself.

CrapBucket · 27/11/2023 00:32

I was talking to two 18 year olds about this topic and they reckon 2 years upwards is the maximum acceptable age gap at this age. Attitudes have changed a lot recently, I think probably because of how much more safeguarding goes on. 18 year olds don’t quite see themselves as adults in the way we all used to.

Lifeinlists · 27/11/2023 00:32

It's not any sort of problem. Are your daughters a bit jealous by any chance?

SheTookChances · 27/11/2023 00:34

I agree with your daughters. My son is nearly 21, my nephew is 23 and they wouldn’t date an 18 year old.

ScremeEggs · 27/11/2023 00:36

18 and 23?
Nothing to do with you, they're both adults albeit young ones.
I was 18 when I got together with DH who was in his 20s, we're still together 30 years later.

notquitesoyoung · 27/11/2023 01:34

@KSaylor My similar age to yours DD would agree with yours. They are at different life stages, especially if the 18 year old is living at home. Ultimately it's down to the individuals involved though. DD and I have had conversations on this kind of topic over the last couple of years so I know her views and know it wouldn't just be sibling needling to get a rise out of her bro, particularly if he's not had a GF before. Also the definition of someone who has never had a GF is not straightforward in today's world of dating - someone could claim never to have had a GF but have shagged half the uni. Asking someone to be your BF or GF these days seems to be akin to asking someone to marry you, it's bonkers.

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 27/11/2023 01:49

I was an 18 year old dating a 23 year old ex uni student. I knew my own mind, liked that he was a little older and felt comfortable with the relationship. This was in the 90s however.

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 27/11/2023 01:52

Personally I think you need to keep your nose out of it. The girl is an adult and is likely to be maturer then your DDs if she’s gone straight into work apprenticeship rather then uni degree.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 27/11/2023 02:01

Your daughters need to spend less time online getting fired up by the opinions of others and leave him alone.......it's fine. Especially as he isn't that experienced himself.

Pocodaku · 27/11/2023 02:23

The age gap sounds fine to me if they are compatible and mature. Plus he’s not in a position of authority over her at work.

haribosmarties · 27/11/2023 02:25

This age gap is totally fine imo. Both adults. Both young in a similar part of their lives. Met at work. I don't think it's creepy at all.

curaçao · 27/11/2023 02:26

Bellyblueboy · 27/11/2023 00:14

What does his employer think? Is he in a position of authority over her? She is technically an adult but still very young. If it goes wrong and emotion spills into the workplace his bosses will not be sympathetic.

the age difference isn’t huge but noticeable - especially in the workplace.

It has fuck all ti do with his employer!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/11/2023 02:39

Personally I think it is fine and I say that as a mum to a dd. She’s 15 and was absolutely horrified (in that teen ‘you think you’re so cool’, ummm no I don’t kind of way), when I told her I associated with men at her age. I agree that attitudes have changed a lot with regard to age gap relationships.

twined · 27/11/2023 02:43

Nope, not okay. Of course I thought it was just fine when I was 18. But now, agree with my father “what’s wrong with him that he can’t find someone his own age?”

JudgeJ · 27/11/2023 04:02

Rightsraptor · 27/11/2023 00:28

Age gaps seem to have become more of a thing recently for younger people. Time was when what you describe would have been thought quite usual.

I definitely wouldn't say anything to him, let him enjoy himself.

In the 6th form in the '60s no girl I knew had a boyfriend of her own age at 18, most had at least a 4 year gap. I find the MN obsession age gaps weird, people are different.

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