Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

23 and 18?

151 replies

KSaylor · 26/11/2023 23:54

I'm just asking before I say anything to my son and cause drama.
My son is 23 (24 in January), recently moved to London for his job, never had a girlfriend before. At his job there is an 18 year old degree apprentice, she only turned 18 in August and they are now dating.
My daughters 18 and 20 respectively think 18 and 23 is wild. She is just starting uni he's left etc. They keep calling it creepy.
To me 5 years isn't that big of a deal? I appreciate that appropriate age gaps change with age (ie 18 and 25 might be odd but 28 and 35 not).
AIBU to be wondering if this age gap is appropriate and if I should say something to my son?

OP posts:
ActDottie · 27/11/2023 09:24

It’s fine they’re both adults

Sayitaintso33 · 27/11/2023 09:27

Ponderingwindow · 27/11/2023 04:13

They are at different life stages. It’s not so big of a gap as to be ridiculous, but he should be very careful. it would be easy for him to dominate the relationship since he is more established.

my own dd of that generation has similar strong feelings about age gaps. She and her friends tend to be very sensible about dating and relationships. They have no patience for behavior they perceive as predatory and really look out for one another.

i wouldn’t disparage your daughter’s. The relationship pings their radar for a reason, even if they ultimately need to respect the young woman’s autonomy. It also shows they are sensible and will likely be careful themselves . I wouldn’t want to make them doubt that cautious approach.

I hope she does abuse the power of her female beauty. Some beautiful women abuse that power so much that they should not be allowed to date.

Daisies12 · 27/11/2023 09:28

Unless some missing info, I can’t see any issues. And it’s nothing to do with his sisters or you. I’d just be a little careful with the fact they work together.

CurlewKate · 27/11/2023 09:29

@emmylousings "The younger generation are much more sensitive, uptight even, about age gaps. (Due to all the social anxiety about pedophilia I believe),"
Blimey! Don't know where to start with this one.....

LakeTiticaca · 27/11/2023 09:30

Are today's youngsters now so infantilised they can't be trusted to make a decision about whom they have a relationship with?
I'm shocked at the amount of mollycoddling of young people by their parents nowadays, no wonder so many of them have mental health problems now.
Jesus christ let them.have a life!!

fishshop · 27/11/2023 09:34

I agree with your daughters. i think 23 and 18 is HUGE in terms of life experience.

He had his fun uni years- this girl is now locked down in a relationship at 18. she’s also a degree apprentice and very young. This has repercussions for her if this relationship goes tits up- what if it’s a horrible break up and she doesn’t want to continue the placement?

your DS really should have thought of the above before he started flirting with the girl fresh out of school- but he probably doesn’t care. i know from experience that my male friends who worked in student services when we were newish grads (23/24/25ish) got some attention from the freshers- but they were seen as literal babies.

but of course it’s mumsnet so Janet is going to come along and say her husband is 76 years older than her and they have been together 163 years and are in love so age is just a number

If I was a twenty something in your DS’ office then I’d think it was massively odd

adorablecat · 27/11/2023 09:38

fishshop · 27/11/2023 09:34

I agree with your daughters. i think 23 and 18 is HUGE in terms of life experience.

He had his fun uni years- this girl is now locked down in a relationship at 18. she’s also a degree apprentice and very young. This has repercussions for her if this relationship goes tits up- what if it’s a horrible break up and she doesn’t want to continue the placement?

your DS really should have thought of the above before he started flirting with the girl fresh out of school- but he probably doesn’t care. i know from experience that my male friends who worked in student services when we were newish grads (23/24/25ish) got some attention from the freshers- but they were seen as literal babies.

but of course it’s mumsnet so Janet is going to come along and say her husband is 76 years older than her and they have been together 163 years and are in love so age is just a number

If I was a twenty something in your DS’ office then I’d think it was massively odd

Why do you think she is locked down in a relationship-as opposed to being able to end it any time she chooses?

Lucytheloose · 27/11/2023 09:40

Sayitaintso33 · 27/11/2023 09:27

I hope she does abuse the power of her female beauty. Some beautiful women abuse that power so much that they should not be allowed to date.

Show quote history

I didn't think the incels got up this early.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/11/2023 09:58

I was 21 when I met DH who was 18. When I was 18 I was in a relationship with a 24 yo

GRex · 27/11/2023 12:13

Bellyblueboy · 27/11/2023 08:31

Why does society only bring up that men mature at a slower rate than women when they are justifying men dating younger women.

it’s never used in any other girls of life - for example to explain why women should get promoted earlier (because they don’t!).

surely these more mature young women should earn more, be given greater responsibility, be allowed to drive and bite earlier? The only ‘privilege’ they get for their greater maturity is some older bloke dating them!!!!

Edited

I'm a woman and I was promoted far faster than the older men I worked with. Lots of women I work with are similar. The issue comes with women taking big career gaps affecting their personal careers enormously, and poor promotion opportunities for part-time workers who are still overwhelmingly women.

I have no idea what you're referencing by suggesting women should "bite" earlier. If you meant voting, then that's a slippery slope; merit is not currently relevant to democratic voting rights and nor should it be. What's next, IQ for the ballot box? Not appropriate in my view.

strawberrysea · 27/11/2023 12:15

I agree with your daughters.

Surely a 23 year old man must be a bit embarrassed admitting that his gf is a teenager?

Bellyblueboy · 27/11/2023 12:27

GRex · 27/11/2023 12:13

I'm a woman and I was promoted far faster than the older men I worked with. Lots of women I work with are similar. The issue comes with women taking big career gaps affecting their personal careers enormously, and poor promotion opportunities for part-time workers who are still overwhelmingly women.

I have no idea what you're referencing by suggesting women should "bite" earlier. If you meant voting, then that's a slippery slope; merit is not currently relevant to democratic voting rights and nor should it be. What's next, IQ for the ballot box? Not appropriate in my view.

Show quote history

It was vote - and it was a bit tongue in cheek! Want suggesting a policy change😂😂😂😂😂😂

NewShoes · 27/11/2023 12:31

Well my first long term relationship started when I was 18 and he was 25. It lasted a few years and I’ve never seen the age gap as an issue - we were both adults!

Dixiechickonhols · 27/11/2023 12:37

I wouldn’t have an issue with that. She’s 18 and working they are at a similar stage in life.
My dc is 17 and her and her friends are quite hung up on age gaps, maybe it’s a thing now with teaching about grooming etc. They thought 17.5 female and just 20 male was weird whereas I don’t.

aliceinanwonderland · 27/11/2023 12:41

If he’s never had a girlfriend, he clearly doesn’t “use” women. He had found someone he’s compatible with and possibly is in love. Why destroy this??!!

aliceinanwonderland · 27/11/2023 12:43

strawberrysea · 27/11/2023 12:15

I agree with your daughters.

Surely a 23 year old man must be a bit embarrassed admitting that his gf is a teenager?

Why? Other 23 year olds might laugh at him for being a virgin. This 18 year old girl could be far more “experienced “ than him. Maybe they’re in love?

Z1hun · 27/11/2023 12:45

None of your business. They are both legal.

Bristolnewcomer · 27/11/2023 13:21

aliceinanwonderland · 27/11/2023 12:41

If he’s never had a girlfriend, he clearly doesn’t “use” women. He had found someone he’s compatible with and possibly is in love. Why destroy this??!!

Well that was hardly the option was it, she's his mum not the terminator.

Finding this thread weirdly comforting to discover that girls now are much more aware of potentially unhealthy power dynamics than in previous generations. I'm not sure why everyone is bothering to say they dated someone much older when they were 18 as if that's conclusive evidence it was fine! We don't know you or your partner/ex and how that relationship was in terms of equality. I definitely would have dated a 23/24 year old when I was 18 but luckily the one I liked thought the age gap was too great. Sure it might have worked out but in the long run I'm glad it didn't. My partner now is a similar age gap but given that we met in our thirties it really doesn't matter!

10HailMarys · 27/11/2023 13:36

They’re colleagues; she’s not a child. It’s fine. And not at all unusual either.

Happiestathome · 27/11/2023 13:44

My husband and I were those ages when we got together. My daughter is approaching that age. I think I would only be concerned if I didn’t feel their maturity was well matched.

Cas112 · 27/11/2023 13:46

Are you sure your daughters aren't just picking on there brother?

x2boys · 27/11/2023 13:46

fishshop · 27/11/2023 09:34

I agree with your daughters. i think 23 and 18 is HUGE in terms of life experience.

He had his fun uni years- this girl is now locked down in a relationship at 18. she’s also a degree apprentice and very young. This has repercussions for her if this relationship goes tits up- what if it’s a horrible break up and she doesn’t want to continue the placement?

your DS really should have thought of the above before he started flirting with the girl fresh out of school- but he probably doesn’t care. i know from experience that my male friends who worked in student services when we were newish grads (23/24/25ish) got some attention from the freshers- but they were seen as literal babies.

but of course it’s mumsnet so Janet is going to come along and say her husband is 76 years older than her and they have been together 163 years and are in love so age is just a number

If I was a twenty something in your DS’ office then I’d think it was massively odd

Why would ahe be locked into a relationship?
It might last a few ,months or a few years or forever but she can choose wether to stay in the relationship or not
Mums net is weird about ages.

10HailMarys · 27/11/2023 13:48

strawberrysea · 27/11/2023 12:15

I agree with your daughters.

Surely a 23 year old man must be a bit embarrassed admitting that his gf is a teenager?

’Teenager’ is meaningless in this context. She is an adult with a job and so is he. She’s not a schoolkid.

When I was 18 I had a full-time job and was managing a team of staff, including staff much older than me. DP qualified as a journalist at 18 and was a senior reporter six months later.

I’m neither of us was patronised and infantilised by people like you.

Allsizes8to14 · 27/11/2023 13:51

I was 17 and DH 21 when we got together so 4yrs difference rather than 5, together 24yrs now. Your son and his GF sound fine to me!

HaveYouTriedListening · 27/11/2023 13:52

18 isn't too young to be with a 23 year old. I' keep out of it, they're not doing anything wrong.

When my son was 23, he got with a woman of 50!! (I was 48). I met up with her, kindly asked her if she was just having an ego boost and to please not hurt him. We got to know her, welcomed her into our family. They even bought a house together. They lasted about 9 years.