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AIBU?

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Original poster

Weirded out by compartmentalised wedding

252 replies

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 09:54

Fully accept I am possibly BU with this, but we are going to "wedding" soon... except it's really just a party, because the bride and groom are marrying in a private ceremony on a different day.

I know people have lots of evening guests (I personally wouldn't) but I find it really weird and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of the order because it's not as if the wedding even happened earlier in the day. I don't really get how things are supposed to flow without having a ceremony, I've never been to a wedding without one before, and I also think it's the most important part – to see the couple get married!

Also I know nobody owes us a ceremony, or wedding invite, and nobody other than family is at the civil ceremony so it's not a case of being left out as such, but I think it's more that I find it so weird to go to / call it a "wedding" when you get married on a different day.. and don't see them make any vows.

As I said, I am almost certainly being unreasonable, but I just feel very weird about it (or maybe more widely the assumption that people are only interested in the party rather than the marriage bit itself). AIBU to feel weird about the separation of the wedding bit from the reception?

YABU - this is normal
YANBU - yes, it is a bit weird to separate it

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 16:15

Weddings are pretty heavily influenced by social convention, it's why there's such a phrase as "the done thing"

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 16:20

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 16:21

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Mumof2teens79 · 01/08/2023 16:23

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:53

no, they are actually calling it a wedding, I mistyped. it's only called the reception on a tiny part of the website, the rest of it has been "you are invited to the wedding"

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Not everyone recognises the difference in meaning between wedding (ceremony) and the celebration of marriage. Different use of language isn't really a reason to get upset.

You are very lucky to have been invited to actual weddings....that's potentially because of your religion/family.
Years ago weddings were almost "open". When people on our street got married the whole street turned up at the back of the church for the ceremony and to throw confetti, even though we weren't invited. That hasn't been the case for years (despite legally I think this still needing to be an option)
The limiting factors are usually size of venue, and cost of the wedding breakfast or whatever straight after.

Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 16:23

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Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 16:29

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@Weflewinstyle do you just enjoy being a bit of a dick?

To go over your previous comments:

  • Do I think civil ceremonies pointless? No, because the couple themselves are making the commitment which is right for them
  • Does my partner know I think this? Yes, but he has less experience of weddings
  • How many weddings have I been to? I think 17 (might be more or less if I'm missing the odd family wedding when I was v young). Around a dozen of those have been family weddings, the rest have been friends (we are still in our 20s so not quite into full wedding season, most of our friends aren't married)
OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 16:31

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 16:32

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Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 16:32

Mumof2teens79 · 01/08/2023 16:23

Not everyone recognises the difference in meaning between wedding (ceremony) and the celebration of marriage. Different use of language isn't really a reason to get upset.

You are very lucky to have been invited to actual weddings....that's potentially because of your religion/family.
Years ago weddings were almost "open". When people on our street got married the whole street turned up at the back of the church for the ceremony and to throw confetti, even though we weren't invited. That hasn't been the case for years (despite legally I think this still needing to be an option)
The limiting factors are usually size of venue, and cost of the wedding breakfast or whatever straight after.

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Yes, you're right that I have been very lucky. I have a huge family and there have been lots of weddings! I do think there's something nice about the community vibe, although weddings do cost a fortune so I get why people don't

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 16:33

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Your other contributions to threads are all along these lines too... "why are you asking people on the internet" "great that you need internet anons to help you"

Why are you on MN at all?

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 01/08/2023 16:34

They’re doing what they’d like to do. Weddings are often expensive and complicated. I don’t think it requires this much headspace in all honesty.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 16:37

Sparklesocks · 01/08/2023 16:34

They’re doing what they’d like to do. Weddings are often expensive and complicated. I don’t think it requires this much headspace in all honesty.

Yep, you're right and the thread has helped a lot with hearing what other people did!

OP posts:
Dovetail40 · 01/08/2023 16:39

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:14

thanks @toomuchlaundry, this is exactly it. marriage is incredibly important to me and while the most important thing is whatever arrangement has to work for the couple, it just seems a bit sad to not be part of it

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But it is what the couple want not you.
Dont go if you are going to over analyse it.

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 17:04

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 16:29

@Weflewinstyle do you just enjoy being a bit of a dick?

To go over your previous comments:

  • Do I think civil ceremonies pointless? No, because the couple themselves are making the commitment which is right for them
  • Does my partner know I think this? Yes, but he has less experience of weddings
  • How many weddings have I been to? I think 17 (might be more or less if I'm missing the odd family wedding when I was v young). Around a dozen of those have been family weddings, the rest have been friends (we are still in our 20s so not quite into full wedding season, most of our friends aren't married)
Show quote history

This sort of explains your perspective. You're very young, you haven't been to nearly enough to be 'weirded out' or otherwise.
Also wait until you are a bit older... 30+ years down the line and see if you have the same views of the 'sacredness', commitment or otherwise of marriage....

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 17:05

Also OP are you even married yourself actually

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 17:14

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 17:05

Also OP are you even married yourself actually

Engaged, we're getting married 2025 because we can't afford to next year

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 17:16

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 17:04

This sort of explains your perspective. You're very young, you haven't been to nearly enough to be 'weirded out' or otherwise.
Also wait until you are a bit older... 30+ years down the line and see if you have the same views of the 'sacredness', commitment or otherwise of marriage....

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I actually think my views on marriage have become if anything a little more rigid on what I want for myself because I've been quite traumatised by my parents' divorce, not that doing things exactly by the book saved them.. but that is a whole other story

OP posts:
Wenfy · 01/08/2023 17:20

This is fairly commonplace in Indian weddings - the official wedding (registry) is often family only, while the Indian wedding and reception (and associated functions) have a wider guestlist. Just view it as a party, have fun

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 17:28

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 17:16

I actually think my views on marriage have become if anything a little more rigid on what I want for myself because I've been quite traumatised by my parents' divorce, not that doing things exactly by the book saved them.. but that is a whole other story

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Congratulations on your engagement.
Your perspective is a little odd then - seeing what vows meant in practice would mean you didn't care so much about seeing them... and also I thought that Catholics don't divorce. But that's none of my business.

Weddings are about social norms, yes but times have changed. People are aware that the piece of paper is more important but also, most couples have already proven their commitment by being together and supporting each other through difficult times. Seen in that light vows are a bit.. well, after the fact.

You don't even need vows in the legal ceremony btw. You only need to declare that you are free to marry and take the other as your husband/wife.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 17:32

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 17:28

Congratulations on your engagement.
Your perspective is a little odd then - seeing what vows meant in practice would mean you didn't care so much about seeing them... and also I thought that Catholics don't divorce. But that's none of my business.

Weddings are about social norms, yes but times have changed. People are aware that the piece of paper is more important but also, most couples have already proven their commitment by being together and supporting each other through difficult times. Seen in that light vows are a bit.. well, after the fact.

You don't even need vows in the legal ceremony btw. You only need to declare that you are free to marry and take the other as your husband/wife.

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Thank you!

Yes, it was the first divorce in our family and a bit of a shock. But also, after what happened (can't say as it's extremely outing and very bad), unavoidable. I am still working out how I feel about it. I know it's odd

OP posts:
Dontlistitonfacebook · 01/08/2023 17:35

@Mumof2teens79

Happily there are still "open" weddings in some places! I went to one the other week.

Rollawaythestone · 01/08/2023 17:42

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:12

"Weirded out" might be the wrong term... I think part of me is on some level slightly hurt by the fact they're getting civilly married the day before and don't want us to be there, and are calling this a wedding despite it very much not really being a wedding. I also know couples who have married abroad and then had a large party later, but I think part of me can't countenance it's being called a wedding while excluding close friends from the most important bit

But then rationally I know nobody is obliged to invite me to their wedding, and I would never dream of saying anything. I'm also not mad at the couple (they have two very different cultures to try to meld together), I just think they're missing something important

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What are they missing that's important to them? I think nothing, or they wouldn't be happy to do it this way. They are making vows, just not in front of you or in a church. So what? They are making a commitment, the commitment will be witnessed by those who matter most to them and won't be any less real for you or God not being there. If people not getting married in church is "wrong" to you, then thousands of people are wrong every year. And of those who do marry in a church, quite a large proportion are just getting married in a nice place because the photos will be pretty, not because they worship regularly or even believe in any sort of God. In 1983, we got married in a register office, with just close family there (and not all of them for logistical reasons), said our vows, to each other, and meant them. 40 years later, here we are, still really happy and absolutely committed. Just be happy for them and enjoy the party they have very kindly asked you to.

springtome · 01/08/2023 17:46

I went to a wedding like this years ago. It was just like being invited to an evening wedding reception except everyone was the same.

The b&g wanted to get married on a date special to them which happened to be mid-week. So they got married with just witness' (I don't think even their parents were there) then at the weekend they had a party. It was lovely and we very much enjoyed celebrating with them.

GalileoHumpkins · 01/08/2023 17:50

Well something sounds weird and it isn't the wedding reception.

ThreeRingCircus · 01/08/2023 18:00

It's not hugely common but it isn't unheard of. I went to one with a very similar set up other than the legal ceremony had been done about three months before because the bride was pregnant and they wanted to be legally married before the baby arrived....but the wedding reception was held for friends and extended family once baby had arrived.

It was still lovely, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. Your friends care about you and want you to be there to celebrate their marriage with them. I'd just go along and enjoy it. People are different and like different things, sometimes dropping preconceived notions and just going with the flow is genuinely the best way forward.