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AIBU?

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Original poster

Weirded out by compartmentalised wedding

252 replies

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 09:54

Fully accept I am possibly BU with this, but we are going to "wedding" soon... except it's really just a party, because the bride and groom are marrying in a private ceremony on a different day.

I know people have lots of evening guests (I personally wouldn't) but I find it really weird and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of the order because it's not as if the wedding even happened earlier in the day. I don't really get how things are supposed to flow without having a ceremony, I've never been to a wedding without one before, and I also think it's the most important part – to see the couple get married!

Also I know nobody owes us a ceremony, or wedding invite, and nobody other than family is at the civil ceremony so it's not a case of being left out as such, but I think it's more that I find it so weird to go to / call it a "wedding" when you get married on a different day.. and don't see them make any vows.

As I said, I am almost certainly being unreasonable, but I just feel very weird about it (or maybe more widely the assumption that people are only interested in the party rather than the marriage bit itself). AIBU to feel weird about the separation of the wedding bit from the reception?

YABU - this is normal
YANBU - yes, it is a bit weird to separate it

OP posts:
Jellifulfruit · 01/08/2023 11:54

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:25

not so extreme that I don't live in sin, so no, not really

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🙄 🙄 🙄 oh dear

Tetchypants · 01/08/2023 11:55

At least they’ve told you the marriage bit is on a different day. I once went to an outdoor wedding and took a personalised gift engraved with the wedding date, only to find out they had actually got married the day before.

ilovesushi · 01/08/2023 11:58

I love weddings! Love the music, the ritual, the outfits, the flowers, the emotion, the setting, all of it. It is a really special moment to share, so I am with you that the reception without being present at the wedding is not quite the same. I would have no quibbles about being invited 'just' to the reception but there is something a tiny bit weird about celebrating something that happened without you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2023 11:59

viques · 01/08/2023 11:52

Good for them, they have got the wedding bit over and are now going to celebrate with friends and family. It has always struck me that the whole wedding, wedding breakfast, speeches, photos, evening do is all too much for one day. I bet your friends will enjoy the party far more than if they have been up since half past six worrying about the weather, cars, flowers, hairdressers, makeup, buttonholes, grumpy flower girls, catering, drunk aunties and will there be enough food on the evening buffet!

Well mine was registry office, in and out in 20 mins, none of that flower-girl malarkey. But, my family and close friends were there. I didn't do anything for work colleagues/acquaintances.

We're all different and that's fine. So is OP's thinking fine; she is entitled to her feelings and she's been peppered with jibes, not your post, others. There is very little tolerance for differences of opinion or going 'against the tide'.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 12:02

ilovesushi · 01/08/2023 11:58

I love weddings! Love the music, the ritual, the outfits, the flowers, the emotion, the setting, all of it. It is a really special moment to share, so I am with you that the reception without being present at the wedding is not quite the same. I would have no quibbles about being invited 'just' to the reception but there is something a tiny bit weird about celebrating something that happened without you.

Absolutely! Fortunately I have until October when the wedding happens to get my head around this

It's fine, and they will have a fantastic day I'm sure - because it's how they want to do it

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 12:03

Tetchypants · 01/08/2023 11:55

At least they’ve told you the marriage bit is on a different day. I once went to an outdoor wedding and took a personalised gift engraved with the wedding date, only to find out they had actually got married the day before.

Oh gosh that would be a bit of a shock!

Completely honestly (and related to the point about social anxiety others made) I would be bamboozled by having two anniversaries

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 12:04

Jellifulfruit · 01/08/2023 11:54

🙄 🙄 🙄 oh dear

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I was joking...

OP posts:
gannett · 01/08/2023 12:09

If DP and I ever get married this is how we'll do it.

The actual vows are not important to us (as evidenced by the fact that marriage is not something either of us have ever actively wanted) but we love a good party (and throw good parties too). If we get married it'll be because it makes various legalities easier, not because it makes us any more committed to each other or validates our relationship any more. So that bit will be as low-key and ignorable as possible.

A party with as many of our friends and loved ones as possible - that'd be the special and more important thing to us.

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:25

@gannett my partner and I are considering civil partnership as we are only doing it for the improved financial position, inheritance tax etc.

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:26

But yes to the party! I throw a great party

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 12:31

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:25

@gannett my partner and I are considering civil partnership as we are only doing it for the improved financial position, inheritance tax etc.

interesting @blueorblack - would you call yourselves married? or continue as normal? or do something totally different?

(no judgement, I am genuinely curious as the only people I know who have done this did it for visa reasons)

OP posts:
noodles20 · 01/08/2023 12:42

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:38

Strangely (and again, literally a me problem) I find this less odd than having it the day after. The demarcation of time or wedding / party seems to make a difference to how I feel about it.

But as others have said, it's possibly due to space or any number of reasons so I will just turn up and enjoy

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We did this, only we did it all on the same day and only the wedding party came to the ceremony. So my sister, husbands best friend and our two kids. We had the ceremony in the most beautiful place which was special to us and a couple hours drive from where we live. We then drove down to a hotel locally to everyone and had a reception with 60 of our closest family and friends. The guests had drinks and canapés on arrival. We had a sit down meal, speeches, cake etc then a band at night.

We were together 18 years and did what WE wanted to do. It was the most perfect day and all our guests had a great time. I wouldn't change a thing.

CantFindTheBeat · 01/08/2023 12:46

What time is the invitation from and to, OP?

If it's 3pm until midnight, or 7pm until 11pm, that should give you some idea of what the day may be like?

gannett · 01/08/2023 12:46

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:25

@gannett my partner and I are considering civil partnership as we are only doing it for the improved financial position, inheritance tax etc.

We're also considering civil partnership. Haven't fully looked into which option is better for us yet but out of interest have you found any legal or logistical negatives to "just" civil partnership?

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 12:47

CantFindTheBeat · 01/08/2023 12:46

What time is the invitation from and to, OP?

If it's 3pm until midnight, or 7pm until 11pm, that should give you some idea of what the day may be like?

6pm to midnight!

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 01/08/2023 12:49

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:25

@gannett my partner and I are considering civil partnership as we are only doing it for the improved financial position, inheritance tax etc.

Brilliant. If you do end up doing this, @blueorblack, can you pls put a post up about it, to highlight the importance of protecting yourselves financially in long term's relationships, and especially for those poor women who've been left high and dry because their partners 'never saw the point of marriage'.

They might not see the point of a civil partnership either, but that would shine a spotlight on their priorities.

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:50

@CeremonyMissing no because I wouldn't be married. I'd continue to refer to my partner as my partner and wouldn't change my name.

Though if a person casually referred to me as married or introduced either of us as the other's husband or wife, I wouldn't correct them. That just seems churlish. I also don't correct people who refer to my partner as my adult son's dad (neither do my partner or son). It's an unnecessary explanation in most casual interractions.

I can understand why same sex couples who had been denied a marriage would describe themselves as married though.

CantFindTheBeat · 01/08/2023 12:51

Hmmm... darn it - still quite ambiguous!!!! But now sounds more like an evening party, OP.

Maybe cut back on your £300!

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:52

Absolutely @CantFindTheBeat!

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 12:52

CantFindTheBeat · 01/08/2023 12:51

Hmmm... darn it - still quite ambiguous!!!! But now sounds more like an evening party, OP.

Maybe cut back on your £300!

My guess is that it will probably be a bit like a very romantic gala dinner? But I guess I will find out in a few months

OP posts:
Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 12:55

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:50

@CeremonyMissing no because I wouldn't be married. I'd continue to refer to my partner as my partner and wouldn't change my name.

Though if a person casually referred to me as married or introduced either of us as the other's husband or wife, I wouldn't correct them. That just seems churlish. I also don't correct people who refer to my partner as my adult son's dad (neither do my partner or son). It's an unnecessary explanation in most casual interractions.

I can understand why same sex couples who had been denied a marriage would describe themselves as married though.

Thanks - agree about not correcting people in casual situations, people occasionally assume fiancé is my husband / boyfriend and either way, it normally isn't necessary to be that specific

OP posts:
blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:55

@gannett no, none.

Original poster
CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 12:56

@CantFindTheBeat we debated for ages what an appropriate amount to give was!

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 13:14

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 10:29

No, I didn't, you read into that... I didn't want to give too much info initially as I was trying to figure out how not to make it outing, but I've been here replying so hardly a dripfeed.

I'm not a 'religious person' who never mixes outside my own circle, I was raised Catholic, which is pretty mainstream if you are on the liberal side of it, which I am

I will attend the party, enjoy it and give them a lovely gift as well as my presence. You say you would hate a guest like me, but how would you ever know?

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You have posted on here, so you want other people's opinions. People like you tend to talk, and no matter how selective you've been, word gets around.
Don't get me wrong, I have no beef with you. In fact I admire the respectful way you've asked the question, engaged with posters etc.

Also maybe this is me projecting, but we are going through this situation right now. It's fine for people to feel hurt , for whatever reason. But it is also fine for me to not want them at my wedding (celebration/party/whateverjamie). A couple of DH's relatives expressed this opinion and were disinvited shortly after.

Seems extreme, but we have only 30 spaces and plenty of people we'd rather have there and who are unconditionally happy for us without feeling slighted.

CantFindTheBeat · 01/08/2023 13:15

How did you settle on £300 OP?

That's a big amount to give for the 'evening do' of a friend.