Page 8 | Weirded out by compartmentalised wedding

CeremonyMissing · 2023-08-01T08:54:01+00:00

Fully accept I am possibly BU with this, but we are going to "wedding" soon... except it's really just a party, because the bride and groom are marrying in a private ceremony on a different day. I know people have lots of evening guests (I personally wouldn't) but I find it really weird and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of the order because it's not as if the wedding even happened earlier in the day. I don't really get how things are supposed to flow without having a ceremony, I've never been to a wedding without one before, and I also think it's the most important part – to see the couple get married! Also I know nobody owes us a ceremony, or wedding invite, and nobody other than family is at the civil ceremony so it's not a case of being left out as such, but I think it's more that I find it so weird to go to / call it a "wedding" when you get married on a different day.. and don't see them make any vows. As I said, I am almost certainly being unreasonable, but I just feel very weird about it (or maybe more widely the assumption that people are only interested in the party rather than the marriage bit itself). AIBU to feel weird about the separation of the wedding bit from the reception? YABU - this is normal YANBU - yes, it is a bit weird to separate it

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 13:16

Also OP you might want to sit down for this one... if you include the 'legal papers' I will actually have been married four times. FOUR.
Different countries, so two lots of each. My native country requires the legal bit to have been done beforehand.

Which will be our anniversary?

Whichever we feel like celebrating. Maybe one, maybe four, depending on our mood that year.

All part of the fun.

Loubielou1 · 01/08/2023 13:18

Exactly - you can still enjoy celebrating with them even if it's not your cup of tea. Don't be too hard on yourself for being weirded out- it's something different for you and besides you are entitled to your own opinions.

Re not knowing what will actually happen at the event could you just ask them casually what the plan is? I'm sure they will just take it as you showing an interest. At least then you'll have a better idea of what to expect.

gannett · 01/08/2023 13:29

blueorblack · 01/08/2023 12:55

@gannett no, none.

Thanks

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 13:30

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 13:14

You have posted on here, so you want other people's opinions. People like you tend to talk, and no matter how selective you've been, word gets around.
Don't get me wrong, I have no beef with you. In fact I admire the respectful way you've asked the question, engaged with posters etc.

Also maybe this is me projecting, but we are going through this situation right now. It's fine for people to feel hurt , for whatever reason. But it is also fine for me to not want them at my wedding (celebration/party/whateverjamie). A couple of DH's relatives expressed this opinion and were disinvited shortly after.

Seems extreme, but we have only 30 spaces and plenty of people we'd rather have there and who are unconditionally happy for us without feeling slighted.

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Fair enough, the reason I asked on here was because I wouldn't want to ask our other friends about it, which is also partly how I know I'm being a bit U. I don't want to upset them. Fiancé knows I was slightly put out but it's not something we've discussed in detail, partly because he has been to even fewer weddings than me

I can see why it feels particularly personal for you – I don't think I would disinvite, but 30 is small so can fully understand you wanting to limit the list if people aren't going to be happy. 30 wouldn't cover my side of the family so it's not an option for us unfortunately (although I'm glad we're not at this stage, a whole stress I don't need)

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 13:32

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 01/08/2023 13:16

Also OP you might want to sit down for this one... if you include the 'legal papers' I will actually have been married four times. FOUR.
Different countries, so two lots of each. My native country requires the legal bit to have been done beforehand.

Which will be our anniversary?

Whichever we feel like celebrating. Maybe one, maybe four, depending on our mood that year.

All part of the fun.

This would stress me out! But if you're happy with it, I hope you enjoy your quarterly anniversary :)

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 13:33

CantFindTheBeat · 01/08/2023 13:15

How did you settle on £300 OP?

That's a big amount to give for the 'evening do' of a friend.

my fiancé wanted to give £500-700 (it's traditional to give a lot in his culture) and I knocked him down

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 13:34

Loubielou1 · 01/08/2023 13:18

Exactly - you can still enjoy celebrating with them even if it's not your cup of tea. Don't be too hard on yourself for being weirded out- it's something different for you and besides you are entitled to your own opinions.

Re not knowing what will actually happen at the event could you just ask them casually what the plan is? I'm sure they will just take it as you showing an interest. At least then you'll have a better idea of what to expect.

This is a good idea! I'll ask. It's not until later in the year so perhaps they will also update the website

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ThanksItHasPockets · 01/08/2023 13:43

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 13:33

my fiancé wanted to give £500-700 (it's traditional to give a lot in his culture) and I knocked him down

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Unless you move in very monied circles I would bring it down some more. The couple are going to feel the need to reciprocate when they attend your wedding.

Mrsjayy · 01/08/2023 13:48

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 13:33

my fiancé wanted to give £500-700 (it's traditional to give a lot in his culture) and I knocked him down

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How well do you know them are they of the same culture as your fiancé? The couple might find £300 a lot and make them uncomfortable I would consider bringing it down to maybe £100.

toomuchlaundry · 01/08/2023 13:51

If it is just an evening do and they are just friends £300 gift is very generous, I would probably take a zero off that!

We did the opposite to this couple had the ceremony and a meal, but no evening do. All guests attended the ceremony and meal, and certainly didn't expect £300 gifts

WitchWithoutChips · 01/08/2023 13:55

No idea if the OP is neurodiverse and I am certainly not in the business of armchair diagnoses but her reaction feels very familiar as it is exactly how my autistic family members would react to this kind of invitation. They rely heavily on established social codes and etiquette to help them to navigate events and an invitation to an unconventional wedding would (and has) really throw them. When this occurred in our family they needed to sit down and follow a sort of grown-up version of a social story to get their heads around it. Hopefully this thread will serve a similar purpose for the OP.

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 14:01

WitchWithoutChips · 01/08/2023 13:55

No idea if the OP is neurodiverse and I am certainly not in the business of armchair diagnoses but her reaction feels very familiar as it is exactly how my autistic family members would react to this kind of invitation. They rely heavily on established social codes and etiquette to help them to navigate events and an invitation to an unconventional wedding would (and has) really throw them. When this occurred in our family they needed to sit down and follow a sort of grown-up version of a social story to get their heads around it. Hopefully this thread will serve a similar purpose for the OP.

It is very possible (I have never been formally diagnosed with anything but it has been suggested a lot over the years, however, I've never felt the need to seek a diagnosis). I mostly get through extreme initial discomfort reactions by talking stuff out, whether it's from finding ways of hearing other viewpoints (as with the thread) or talking to trusted friends, or even simply googling to see if something is normal

I know I can be super unreasonable, but I try to cope with most things by assuming most people are not intending to offend! Working on the assumption of best intentions has helped me a lot

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Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 14:04

Mrsjayy · 01/08/2023 13:48

How well do you know them are they of the same culture as your fiancé? The couple might find £300 a lot and make them uncomfortable I would consider bringing it down to maybe £100.

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Not the same, but sort of similar (bride is a European culture similar to my fiancé, groom is Asian)

I will have another discussion with him nearer the time, thanks!

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Dontlistitonfacebook · 01/08/2023 14:09

I love weddings, particularly the ceremony part as it seems so meaningful, so I kind of get why you don't like to miss out on that bit.

However I've also lived in a different country for several years and weddings there were more like this - the religious/ legal bit was only for the couple and the celebrant. I think perhaps parents could be there but I am not sure as naturally never witnessed that part!

The big party was for everyone!

"It's not wrong, it's just different".

Mrsjayy · 01/08/2023 14:13

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 14:04

Not the same, but sort of similar (bride is a European culture similar to my fiancé, groom is Asian)

I will have another discussion with him nearer the time, thanks!

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You can decide between you but if you have him down to £300 that's a start.

okiedokie1 · 01/08/2023 14:50

So you say in the OP that you aren't feeling left out as it's only close family at the actual ceremony but then you follow up by saying you feel left out. Wow. So it's all about you

Original poster

CeremonyMissing · 01/08/2023 15:09

okiedokie1 · 01/08/2023 14:50

So you say in the OP that you aren't feeling left out as it's only close family at the actual ceremony but then you follow up by saying you feel left out. Wow. So it's all about you

I'm not being left out, none of our friendship group is going to the ceremony. I've said that, multiple times, although I would've expected our whole friendship group to be at the ceremony if I'm being honest!

Anyway, I've engaged in good faith on this and know it's just a mix of couple preferences, constraints, lots of factors! And also that my reaction was unreasonable! Literally not about me, but way to wilfully misread things

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Weflewinstyle · 01/08/2023 15:52

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