To ask for help with housework

Sorry, am I reading this right? When he's working more things are easier but now it's his quieter time at work then the house is a mess and you are finding things harder to manage? And you are the one in the wrong because he has no clean pants but is unable to even locate the washing basket? And you don't have access to money? He wouldn't last five minutes with me. If he's home more, you should have more help not more work! The money is family money, you need access to it. Do you at least get the child benefit?

Looking after a baby is full time, so you should be sharing housework. Of course if he works difficult hours, it's nice of you to do some of his share, but he ought to take responsibility for his underwear and not selfishly wake the children, making your day difficult, because he failed to check he had enough clean.

He might be tired, but your body is working like hell while you're pregnant while you're doing the exhausting work of looking after a baby and a young child.

It isn't 'help' you need: it's for him to do his part.

SAHP's are not domestic slaves;yes when their partners are at work they are responsible for the house and kids but when the partners home the responsibility needs to shared.

My husband once had a tantrum like that over his work uniform;guess what?;I stopped doing his laundry and he has to do it himself now instead.Is it my responsibility to do another adult's washing?;nope.

Men need to contribute more than a paycheque.

Why is she your responsibility on top of everything else, though?

You know this is financial abuse right?

@KewNutty

We also have a Rottweiler;he's lovely but hard work;he's supposed to be my husbands dog and the agreement was he'd take care of him.

He doesn't and it's just another thing on the long list of shit that has become my responsibility.

I think he has no right to be waking the household freaking out over underwear. Maybe he will pay more arrention, or buy more underwear.

I saw this yesterday, and reading this thread it came to mind!
https://youtube.com/shorts/LaDfEuaEDFs?feature=share

My questions are to get you thinking. Do you feel obligated to do everything because he brings in in the income? Does he repeatedly moan,complain or ignore your requests for some cooperation? If so you are being quietly exploited. If all his time off is spent as his " down time" and no physical help then you are being slowly exploited and manoeuvred. If he is doing a share then you are not being exploited.

We both share the responsibility of hands-on parenting and of providing financially. Nobody gets to sit and do their own thing until everything’s done. If one of us is at home, they do most of the house stuff where possible and what isn’t done we do as a team when the other gets home.

It is never, ever ok to leave clothes lying on the floor and expect a partner to pick them up. It is unlikely your partner works harder than we do or under more stress; we still do not get to be lazy jerks. Basic cleaning up after yourself (dishes in dishwasher, clothes in laundry basket or put away etc) is a non-negotiable part of adulthood no matter what your job is. It’s also non-negotiable to take part in caring for children when at home. Every parent should be capable of bathing/dressing etc their own child and should be doing it whenever they are available.

Sadly this is the case for lots of working Mums - when I go back to work after my 2nd maternity leave in October it'll actually be costing us for me to work but we're a team and the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term costs. Plus I know that I'm financially stable in case the worst should happen. I'd seriously reconsider your situation with no access to money of your own.

OP, please listen you should have access to money, whenever you need it. This is not something that is acceptable, please please sort this out. If it just hasn't occurred to him then great but the fact you can't buy extra clothing (even for him) unless it comes from Tesco is all kinds of wrong. I'm a SAHM I have full access to all our money and it is viewed as our money. Your situation is not right, he should view you as his partner and equal, worthy of every respect, I'm deeply concerned given your latest update that you're just his skivvy, nanny and sex object and that is wrong.

I do think if you’re a SAHM the majority of the housework does fall on your shoulders but he should definitely be seeing to the kids when he gets home and this would free up some time for you to catch up on stuff or just grab a shower etc

Ask him why having 2 children with a third on the way, means he should have to do LESS than a single man. Did he think having kids makes less work, or that you would be his mummy too? He works, big deal, most of us do, doesn’t mean he gets to opt out of everything else just because his sperm works.

OP, my dp and I each have a personal account and then a joint account. Household things, food, all bills come out of that joint account.
Dp's pension goes into the joint account, which has other money in it too, my pension goes into my personal account.

It works for us.

You're pregnant. That's draining, physically, mentally, everythingly. He should be helping he just doesn't want to. Bathing the kids and putting them to bed is a chore but one that will help them bond so he should bloody get involved and enjoy it. Sorry I'm fuming for you.

Sort out the money first.

Are you happy with the money situation? Everyone seems to be jumping on this aspect (understandably so) but what do you think about it? Every relationship is different and what works for some doesn’t work for others.

I think you've got bigger problems he sounds like a controlling prick.

@KewNutty, when you say it’s a good relationship – in what way?

For instance, when I was seven weeks pregnant and knackered, my partner took over the majority of nursery runs and bedtimes. I’m currently on maternity leave and he’s working: when he comes home he takes over bedtime while I cook, then we both clear up and reset the house and sit down for free time at the same time. I get a little less free time as I go to bed early to cope with the night wakes, but that’s breastfeeding for you! He does nappies and gets up with older DC if the baby decides to have a lie-in. I’m on half pay so we’ve switched some bills to his name: I’m writing this from a cafe eating pancakes with the baby, I don’t have to ask for money to do this. He’s naturally messy (ADHD) but wouldn’t dream of leaving dirty clothes on the floor, and he does the majority of laundry. He had a day off earlier this week to take our older DC to a school transition session, and during the rest of the day he hoovered the house, cleaned the bathroom, sorted laundry, and did some DIY – plus hung out with the baby! He wears the baby in the sling when we go out to give me a break from being touched out. Does any of this resonate?

You need to reframe this. You're not asking for help. You're asking for a basic level of respect and contribution to parenting the children he's fathered.

You putting the washer on during the day - ok

You having to collect his pants from round the house - not fucking ok!!! Both him and the 6yo should be using a wash bag properly.

You doing the food shop - ok

Him leaving food everywhere / expecting his every meal made & washed up - not fucking ok!!!

You are a stay at home mum, not a slave.

Perhaps start by thinking about what he would have to do if he lived alone. He would still work but also still need to do the basics to live. This is BELOW the minimum he should be doing at home because he now also has 2 kids to care for.

Do you want to continue with this relationship?

Do you want to continue with the new pregnancy?

Both are within your control, you can change this if you want to.

I hadn't even seen this. You definitely need to be getting real life support. He is abusing you. And your children by extension. Please make plans to get yourself and your babies out.

I did it all when I was a SAHM

Were you being abused too? Because if not your situations aren't really comparable are they?

He does s a physical job yet he's not strong enough to carry his pants to the washing machine and put a load on.
Your not his mother, SAHM or not he needs to be responsible for items of clothing he wants washed.

I tell my stepson I'll wash whatever he wants but he needs to let me know with reasonable notice not at 10pm at night that he needs his sports kit for school on the morning.

On the days he's home for 5pm surely that can be the days he does the washing up

Tell him he needs to hoover once a week and you don't al are what day that is

Also sounds like you two need some time together. Can he take a day off or a half day or something while your two children are in school and nursery and have a picnic together to give you both a bit of a break

Ask him if you can find a tv series that you too can watch together