To ask for help with housework

All of what @Needanewnamebeingwatched says, plus get a tumble dryer.
Oh, and a joint account.

He should be more than capable of monitoring his own pants, and putting a wash on if he knows he need something. Didn't he realise when he used his last pair that he should maybe check if there were any clean ones washed at least?

In our house I do most of the washing and if it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed. Dp and dc know this. Everyone is responsible for putting their own clothes away. I wouldn't be traipsing round trying to find if anything of his needs washing - he's an adult. Sometimes if I don't have a full load I ask dp if he has anything else for the basket, and sometimes he will half fill it sometimes it will be one thing. It's on him to make sure he has enough clothes to wear though IMO. Even if that's asking if we are doing a load as he's low on something. I wouldn't accept him blaming me for no clean pants

Oh lord you poor woman. He’s abusing you, financially and emotionally.

I agree with @billy1966 that you should think about this 7 week pregnancy with a view to not being pregnant by him any more.

And get advice on living apart. Women’s Aid are good.

He can keep the dog.

Have you tried team tomm? I used this on maternity leave and it was great. You do a room per day. She has a website - rock the housework, it’s £3 per month and she talks you through cleaning and gives you a set time to do it. Really helps me not to hyper focus on cleaning an area for too long.

Thank feck for some sensible responses.

Hey @Oysterbabe, I think you misread the OP - she has two tiny kids and is pregnant, rather than being a well rested housewife from 1957

He sounds horrible- throwing his things about. You have a small baby, a child and you're pregnant. No, the housework is NOT your sole responsibility, but his behaviour IS HIS.

Ignore the handmaidens on this thread

OP doesn’t have £3 a month because she’s being financially abused.

She's being financially abused by her partner, I'm not sure a suggestion for a paid cleaning website to make sure she's on top of the housework is really going to work

Sending a big hug. You need to to work smart not hard. My husband was a bit like yours. Find a routine, and focus on the important stuff. If he doesn’t put his clothes in the washing basket don’t wash them. You will probably have a few issues but eventually he will get the point (or you will have less washing). Buy cheap ready made meals, less washing up. Fill the sink with very hot soapy water and just leave the dishes to soak for an hour. Then you can just rinse and leave to air dry. If you are exhausted just leave the rinse and air dry to the morning. Only have a few toys out at a time, less to pick up. Put husbands clean washing (if he had any) unfolded in a basket. If he wants it put away he can do it. Get a box, everything your husband leaves out just put it in the box and leave it for him. In six months time ask him to leave the stuff he doesn’t want in the box and you will get rid of it. Empty box into bin. Find the time of day you have the most energy, set a timer and clean for 15 minutes. With the money shop at a place you can buy gift cards with your food shopping money. You can use the gift cards to buy what you need for yourself and kids. Don’t stress about the house not being perfect. Make a long term plan to leave if that’s what you want. Xx

Does he have a hobby he likes to go to? Does it take priority over you getting time for an activity you want to do? E.g sport or gaming. Do you buy and pay for all his clothing with your allowance? Who makes financial decisions about big " asset items" e.g. car, investments, bank account administration? Is your bank account easily shared or individual? Is his name on mortgage/ deeds or both names? If you are not joint in , consulted about or repeatedly overruled on big decisions he is financially abusing you or at the minimum you are vulnerable if the relationship started to deteriorate. You are not there to pick up and do every task after him....eg laundry, dishes , cleaning snotty noses/ washing a child.

Well you can change the situation with the money. Of course you should be able to access all the family funds! It’s silly and infantilising not to. Surely paying the bills and organising the money is part of being a SAHM? The easiest way to organise it is to split the income down the middle, then each pay into an account a set amount each month to cover the bills, savings and household expenses. What’s left in your accounts is then yours to do what you want with.

You are responsible for all housework, washing, drying.

Why? Who decided that? Did the pregnant woman even get a say in this?

Her partner is abusive how easily do you think a conversation about getting rid of his dog will go?

He doesn't need to he told to use the washing basket, he knows. He's a grown adult with a job, he knows. He chooses to treat her as a skivvy.

I appreciate his work and his long hours, i just would like a small bit of help, when he can.

What about your (unpaid!!) work and long hours?

He sounds like a poor excuse for a 'partner' OP. What does he add to your life other than pant-throwing tantrums and financial abuse?

He leaves all of his clothes lying around for you to pick up and deal with and gets annoyed when you don't. Don't practically nothing around the house. And doesn't give you fair access to money.

This is not a good relationship. Despite your efforts to portray it as a good relationship his contempt for you is still apparent.

In what way do you have a good relationship?

You are being financially abused OP. You need to demand equal access to all money, immediately. This is much more serious than the housework issue.

Your last sentence isn’t helpful. If someone’s down you don’t tell them about how wonderful someone was at the thing they can’t do.

There’s also no comparison at all to your grandmother in the 70s. Back then things were completely different in terms of parenting, far less toys to tidy away, babies and kids left to cry a lot more, less awareness of child development and the importance of playing with your children, all services much more local than they are now, more community than there is today, no phones so less contactable (whether that’s a good thing or not I’m not sure). If I could have put my baby at the end of the garden for a nap instead of spending hours rocking them to sleep I’m sure I’d have more time for housework. I know which one I’d rather do though knowing what I know today. I’m not criticising your grandmother, she was doing what she felt was right but it’s a different world we live in now.

I'd:

1. Bin off the dog - rottweilers aren't safe around babies and toddlers anyway so win/win

1. Stop doing his laundry; this puts him in control of his pantage

1. Seriously consider how a new baby will fit into this less-than-joyful-sounding setup.

Does his dog get walked adequately? Or is it as unhappy as you, OP?

My guess is unhappy, unsafe, badly behaved 🤷‍♀️

Regarding getting a cleaner? I just think about my mum in the 70s with 3 under 3, bills paid in person, no convenience food, internet shopping, a twin tub machine and terry nappies. She did it all.
Sounds like a happy and fulfilling life 🥰

You could re home the dog and say it ran away.