For being upset over our future

Most people aren’t considering kids at 20. Just get on and live your life. If you & your partner don’t want the same things, breakup with him & move on.

You might be amused OP but presumably you have come onto mumsnet to ask the opinion of older and wiser women than yourself. You would do well to listen.

2k won’t go far OP.

Your partner is being sensible.

The way you write it doesn’t sound as though you have had that much experience of life tbh. Travel, go to uni, get some life experience. It will benefit your future child enormously.

I thought MN had made a change to the site so that if you name change your original user name will appear on any threads you've already posted on. Pretty sure I remember reading about it on site stuff. Unless I'm losing my marbles, which is possible.

Oh it's seems you can override the name change thing if you want to...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/4747622-update-from-mnhq-name-changes

I'm sorry, but no dr told you that were infertile, or for that reason. That's not somehting any dr would ever say, it doesn't make sense.

You are very young, and seem quite immature. You are absolutely not ready for children. Stay in college, grow up a lot, and think about it in ten years.

I never wanted an abortion this is the crux of your issue isn't it, and while I am not asking you to tell us here, I wonder if you need some (more) counselling to get to the bottom of your feelings on this and how your current partner contributed to the situation positively or negatively.

Lots of people have given good advice about this factor, and regarding your age and life-stage, and I agree with most of what has been said even though I was a youngish Mum with friends who had also children soon after uni (one during uni, planned) as well as having friends who didn't have children until their 40s. So I don't think 20 is too young per se if both partners want to. I think you need to tease everything apart in your own mind before you make decisions.

However, I do also wonder whether your partner is going to turn out to be one of these people who puts it off and puts it off and doesn't really (want to) understand your PCOS and that might not be the right person for you. I know someone with PCOS and she's keen to start a family in her 20s and I think this is reasonable; I also know someone with PCOS who didn't start trying until age 30 even though she was with her now-husband from a much earlier age and it took til age 38 and interventions to conceive and her advice is not to wait quite so long if you already have a partner and you both want children.

If you might want to adopt a small child if you can't conceive (again) then starting in your 20s is also a good plan. You do have plenty of time even so, so if I were you I would explore everything above in detail with a counsellor and possibly get more advice regarding your PCOS and how it might affect your fertility as you get older, from a gynaecologist. It sounds as though you have enough money to fund these privately so I'd do that.

I also think a 27 year old is very different to a 20 year old. I wouldn’t be happy if my dd was dating someone that age.

It's completely ridiculous (but very Mumsnetty) to think that this age gap at these ages is a problem.

At what point exactly do you think that adults become... well... adult?!

(It does sound as though the 27 yo boyfriend might have his head screwed on very well indeed though and be more mature than the OP... and/or be part of the problem as a whole and not the solution, we can't entirely tell what is going on here from the information given.)

I think the main relevance of their respective ages is whether it is reasonable to wait a few years for the OP's boyfriend to be ready.

If the OP is 20 and her boyfriend is 27 then the OP isn't risking her fertility by waiting.

If her boyfriend was 27 and she was 35 then people would be advising her to dump him and find someone who wants kids now.

@KylieKangaroo - Thanks, people don't seem to really be understanding what I'm trying to put across anyway and I'm being absolutely slated 😂 A little shocked tbf but understood as I put my story out there and literally asked if I was being unreasonable but christ people need to give me some breathing room 😂

I was dating a 32 year old when I was 19 and I wrote that comment. My own dd is 20 and I would not be happy about her dating someone 27 because I think 20 is young, really young. Yep it’s an adult but only just and I really think- probably from my own experience of doing the opposite- people aged 18-23ish should be having the time of their lives, dating, having sex with different people if they want to, travelling, working many different jobs and having lots of different life experiences. If you get into a heavy relationship with someone aged 27 or older you’re missing out on that stage of your life, and once you start having kids and get tied up in the real life grind of budgets / mortgages or whatever else you can never get that time back again. That’s why I think the age gap is too much. The 27 year old does sound very sensible but that’s not a good thing (apart from the attitude towards not wanting a child now) - being very silly and enjoying the freedom of being child free and 20 is exactly what the op should be doing.

@Hell121 - I have been listening and I get what people are saying however, those being rude and not believing my experience makes me laugh as they literally don't know me at all, and I don't think I've explained all this very well but with 83 thread comments, I don't feel like I can re explain properly to everyone

@shammalammadingdong - Okay, don't believe me, doesn't bother me. I was told by a doctor that I was infertile and not only that - that I would need medical intervention to conceive but people will believe whatever they want, people can form whatever opinions they want but not believing something I've been through actually blows my mind because what more evidence do they remotely need to know that my doctor did tell me that 🤷🏼‍♀️

People are responding based on a) the information you have given about your life and circumstances and b) their own experiences.

If you had wanted loads of 20 year olds with several babies and limited life experience to give you affirmation then you are probably on the wrong platform.

Does it really matter if you were told you're infertile previously? Clearly you're not. The issue now is you think you're ready for a baby and your partner isn't ready. You do sound like you've a lot of growing up to do TBH.

@viques - Again you are also not listening, I have absolutely taken everything on board but I already knew all the things they are telling me. I hate partying, I hated the lifestyle of University and I hated my course. I've been to different countries through my high school and more recently I've managed to spend money for a holiday that I've just come back from with my partner. I have no desire to travel and I also don't want to climb some corporate ladder or any ladder as again, a career has never been of interest to me either. I'm happy with the job that I have, where there is room for growth but I'm also treated fairly and given a pretty decent wage but I will not be sharing my finances to the public, I also did not know what to expect but I was just shocked that I wasn't believed, not anything that these women have actually said to me. Furthermore, I have a house, a car, a job, literally everything some people still want and don't have. I've achieved more in my 20 years than some. Yes people don't know the full story obviously, and the information I have wanted to share clearly hasn't been enough for people to properly understand my situation

Anyway thank you all for feedback (:

I think what people are kindly trying to tell you is that what you perceive at 20 to be a high paying job and lots of savings is not what a 30 or 40 year old would think, especially if you do not have a degree. You say you have a house, but is this rented or owned?
once you have a child it is very very difficult to save, especially if you are paying for childcare.
so unless you tell us we can only assume (and, of course, a number of us would love to know how to get such a job).
it may be the area you are from, but where I am, people are in their 30s when having kids (and are mainly professionals with a career to return to).
go and travel, enjoy yourself a bit, there is so much to do and to learn before you have children!

@Nevermind31 - I absolutely want a child before I turn 30 because at 35 alone it's classed as a geriatric pregnancy and it's not uncommon knowledge to know that it is harder to get pregnant the older you are and pregnancies can become far more complicated the older you are, especially when I don't want to have IVF and adoption is not on the table for me due to my own issues I suppose. I also have said I have no desire to travel or party or any of those things. I don't even drink and I've already been to a couple different countries but I enjoy the safety of my home and I enjoy the thought of settling down more than anything

Enjoy your relationship while it’s just the two of you. Have weekends away, go to the cinema, have a lie in at weekends! It’s not just about partying and drinking, it’s about being able to do things on a whim.

Dont wish your life away. Concentrate on your relationship and ensure he is the man you have to have in your life for the next couple of decades at least if you were to have a child.

Your posts sadden me. You have your whole life ahead of you, stop rushing it.

But your boyfriend doesn't feel the same. So all of that is irrelevant really because it's about how he feels too.

If you want to settle down right now, he may not be the right man for you.

@SouthLondonMum22 - He is the person I do want to be with which is why we are so careful to not get pregnant again and all I was asking at the end of the day was - am I unreasonable for being upset - everyone has said yes but I've always put his wishes first which is why a. I got an abortion and b. we aren't having one until he's ready

Then enjoy being with just him for now. Be spontaneous, enjoy a lie in at the weekend, enjoy the extra money you have that isn't going on nursery fees etc and your time will come.

I had my first child at 35 and my second at 36 and was one of the first of my university friends to have a child. Most of my friends have had or are having their first child or are TTC at 36.

It's really not a big deal.

It's more of a problem if you get to 35 and you don't have anyone to have a child with yet.

I know almost nobody who had a child by 30. The only people I can think of who had a child before they were 30 didn't go to university.

Even if you are determined to have a child before you're 30, you can still wait at least 7-8 years.

Do you have long menstrual cycles with your PCOS?

I would take away from this thread that a lot of these 'older women' who are giving you advice OP, are Mum's themselves and understand the path you are wanting to take all too well.

Motherhood and settling down is never what you think it is. You have a picture in your mind of what life is like but you may as well set fire to that picture now. A lot of the early work of mothering is tiring, boring, physically painful, emotionally taxing and repetitive. I had a strong biological urge to reproduce so I completely get it but I do regret giving over my life to parent a child at 25 - I don't regret him or his siblings, they are my life's work, but I wish I had got to know myself better before I did it instead of dragging them along for the ride whilst I worked myself out.