For being upset over our future

Please OP, birth control is not just about preventing pregnancy. Use a barrier method with a new partner.

I know so many people with PCOS, just in my immediate friends and family, who conceived naturally. It is really hard to believe that a doctor told you that you would not be able to conceive without medical help. Perhaps you could do your own research so that you understand the diagnosis more and feel less panicked about it?

And I do think that you are being quite ridiculous. You are 20, in a relatively new relationship and waiting to go to university. It is a silly time to plan to ttc and thank goodness your bf is more sensible. It's fine to wait a few years until you've finished in education and can be more sure that your relationship will last.

I know what it's like to have that strong urge to have kids, but realising it's not the best time yet. I hope it's not patronising to share the way I thought about waiting.

I wanted to have something to offer my kids. I don't mean financially, I mean in terms of what kind of mother I could be. What could I teach them about the world? When they came to me for help about life, relationships, travel, work, what would I be able to advise them? What stories would I be able to tell them?

I don't know you, of course, but at 20 I wouldn't say I had an awful lot of life experience. So I spent my 20s doing things. Getting a degree and a post grad, travelling, taking on projects, volunteering, learning, gaining experiences. So while I wasn't parenting then, I was doing the groundwork. I was building up all that stuff that made me into a more well rounded person, which in turn (hopefully) will make me into a better parent.

Of course, I am not saying that people who haven't got degrees or travelled are not good parents! Please don't think that's what I mean because it isn't. I'm just saying that for me, it was a good way to reframe the use of that time rather than just seeing it as 'waiting'.

@Cherry119 then I was nervous that the pill could potentially make my situation worse
Why do you think the pill would make your pcos worse though? That is quite a random claim to make.

He did believe my "infertile" story but if you really want my ex partner to confirm that we had 2 years of unprotected sex and nothing happened then absolutely - from that experience I had gathered that I was definitely infertile but then when I met my current partner it became apparent that I wasn't - clearly

I'm not surprised and that doesn't make you infertile. Having random sex as a 16 and 17 year old with no knowledge of ovulation and not getting pregnant doesn't make you infertile. No one needs to ask your ex!
OP it would serve you well to do a bit of reading around PCOS.

OP didn't say she has £2k. I used that as a random figure to explain how at 20 I didn't really have any clue about money perspective and she said she has much more than that.

Of course I don't want to see your medical records.

It's simply not true that having PCOS means you "need medical intervention" to conceive. If a doctor actually told you that then maybe you should report them to the GMC.

The very most they should have told you is that having PCOS might make it more difficult to conceive, but that you should still use contraception until you are ready to have a baby.

In any case, it's neither here nor there because thus thread is about the fact that you want a baby but your partner isn't ready.

It's your partner who needs to be convinced by your arguments, not Mumsnet. If he's not ready (and few men are at 27) then he's not ready, and you need to either wait or find someone who is ready.

Personally (and especially at your age) I would wait until your partner is ready, because a man wanting to get his new 20 year old girlfriend pregnant is a major red flag.

You are 20 - why the rush?! I’m with your boyfriend here and I’m glad one of you is being careful! Enjoy your twenties, travel.

Find it hard to believe that your friends soon go be finishing uni plan to conceive straight away and not build careers first!

Why did you have an abortion? And what do you mean by you had no choice but to have one?

You say you have twice as much savings as people twice your age that's great, but how is that relevant? Unless you plan to live off that after you have a baby and even then, it won't last forever.

What happens if you go to Uni, love it but them can't carry on because of the baby? I know people do do it but you need to consider all possibilities.

If you shelve the idea of a pregnancy till you know what is happening with Uni, then at least you have truly considered and thought it through.

In terms of your boyfriend, you can't force him to have a child but you almost sound relentless and not listening or acknowledging his feelings and just dismissing them as excuses. You need to ask yourself what is more important him or a baby that doesn't exist and then decide on where to go from there

OP I am not having a go but am genuinely horrified that a medical professional has told a 16 year old girl she has PECOS in a way that led to her having unprotected sex. You aren't infertile - you know that now - but more importantly you could have picked up any number of STDs which could have caused permanent damage. If this is actually what happened, not "you might find it harder to conceive" and you ran with it from there, please would you consider making a formal complaint?

I know you say your friends are all having babies but please know that outside of your bubble 20 is incredibly young to be having a baby. Of course you could do it now and it sounds like you've got your head screwed on financially, but if your partner is otherwise the right man for you you could very easily leave it 10+ years before you need to start worrying about leaving it too late. He's allowed his own views on when he, and you as a couple, are ready, and it doesn't make him a bad person if he's not there yet. Don't panic.

I mean, tbf, a doctor could say that she's infertile due to PCOS and be wrong (or maybe the pregnancy was a true one in a million thing) but they may also have said it's still important to use a barrier method such as condoms unless you're in a committed relationship with someone where you've both had testing before sleeping together without a condom.

It's always hard to know what was truly said in these circumstances. I've known people believe wholeheartedly they were told that they couldn't ever have a baby then it came out their doctor said something like 'it will probably be harder for you, come back in six months if you've had no success and we'll look at options'. People interpret things differently in the emotion of the moment when receiving painful news.

@MargotBamborough Maybe I should have reported him as another thing I was told was to lose weight to manage the symptoms when I weighted 9 stone however, word for word that is what was said by him to me and I remember it very clearly as it was obviously a big shock to be told this.

I also didn't think I needed to use Mumsnet as a way to convince him, this was purely for me and my overthinking brain and as you've probably gathered from the amount of comments - everyone agrees that I'm being unreasonable

(:

The average for women to have their first baby in the UK is about 30 to 31. About half of women reach their 30th birthday without having had children. So, having a baby at 20 or in your very early 20s is now nowhere near as common as it used to be, and would put you in a minority.

Having doubts about whether uni is right for you is totally separate to whether or not to try for a baby. Which is moot anyway as your boyfriend is not ready. It is worth having a conversation with him about whether he does want children at all, and to consider the long term future of your relationship. Are there things he wants to do before having a family? Does he want to be in more secure situation etc etc? He does need to be totally honest with you, because if he doesn't actually want children at all, he needs to let you know and not pretend that he might.

You were told you were infertile because of having a very common condition that does not often mean infertility. You had a job as a minor that allowed you to save up thousands and thousands of pounds. You don't have a degree but you have a highly paid job at 20. All your 20-year-old friends have children or are thinking about it. What a lot of unusual things in your life!

@Nordicrain I had a desire to have children before my termination. I wanted to be a young mother anyway for as long as I can remember and of course I'd still love to be a mother but it doesn't strictly have anything to do with my termination.

I have spoke with him about it before and he does want children but he also doesn't know if he'll ever be ready.

(:

Why do you want to be a “young mother”? Why make life harder than it needs to be?

Sounds like the bloke is not right for you.

You've been In sexual relationships since you were 16. I think you need to spend a few years on your own exploring what you want and enjoy out of life, BEFORE then settling down with a family. At the moment you don't know what you don't know.

@ItsNotRocketSalad - Once again I don't need people telling me what they do or don't believe, lord would your mind be absolutely blown if I told you about everything else in my life as just this small part seems ridiculous to most. But most of my friends were teenage mothers and another is currently pregnant so sorry that it seems to weird to you but I also come from a poor upbringing and not to slate anyone but it wasn't uncommon for those people to be having kids so young.

I have had a job since 16 because I had to, like I said, grew up on the poorer end and I also gave money anxiety which causes me to not spend a penny unless it's something important such as rent or my car insurance. This has allowed me to save quite a bit because I literally don't spend it.

And i do have a good paying job but once again I don't need to justify my story - if one thing was to come from this thread then I didn't dream of it being that I was lying about my experience. It's amusing to be honest coming from much older women too 😊

@TTCBabyN Can you talk us through what you think the benefits are of being a young mum? Maybe it would help us to see why you want to make this work so badly - more than having an education or career. I understand that, as you say, based on your upbringing it's more common to have children at a younger age, but as most of us represent the general population average, we're inevitably surprised that someone aged 20 is frustrated that their partner doesn't want a baby yet.

Look, I had an abortion at 19 with my boyfriend who I adored (and was with for another 9 years after this) and for a good couple of years I got a bit obsessed with falling pregnant again. It was hard to override those feelings with logic and practicalities but I’m so glad I waited until I was older.

As it turns out my boyfriend at the time wasn’t the one, he did nothing wrong but we just grew apart as a lot of couples do when they meet young, and I met my DH at 29. Five years later we have two beautiful kids, a dog, two properties that we own and a successful business which has given us a fair bit of financial freedom. This, in turn, means that we are able to put aside money in the kids bank accounts for when they are adults, live in a safe area in a nice house, be able to pay for activities and days out for the kids without worrying, go on a couple of holidays etc - all of which would have been so much more challenging to achieve if I’d had a child at 19/20.

You are so, so young. Ignore what everyone else is doing around you and focus on yourself and how you can make the best possible life for yourself and your future kids because there really is no rush at your age, even with PCOS.

"Much older women" are usually more wordy wise, perhaps somewhat cynical and less inclined to take things at face value without questioning. A good thing if you ask me.

If you want a baby now and your partner does not then the relationship is at a crossroads and either one of you needs to put their desires on the back burner or you end the relationships.

At any age some people will say to young, some people will say too old.

I have PCOS and went through IVF in my 30s to have my children so I do appreciate what you are saying.

However the issue in your situation is not your PCOS - it is the fact you want different things.

Sending hugs.

OP, a child deserves to have 2 parents who are BOTH ready and desirous of having a child. You may feel that you meet that criteria, but your boyfriend does not feel ready.
Perhaps you should have a child, but definitely, he should not.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. You are both young and have plenty of time to have children and only when you both feel ready and want to, not just yourself.

Think about building up your career, travelling, enjoying your 20's where you can be care free with minimal responsibilities. Get some life experience which you can then share with your child.

Also, do not rely financially on a man. Especially without the protection of marriage.

I don't get this thread at all🙄... are @TTCBabyN and @Cherry119 the same person?

Why the rush to have a baby at 20 while a student, and esp if you just had an abortion a year/18 months ago? Your boyfriend is absolutely right. Give it time. You now know you're not infertile (and that was total nonsense anyway - people with PCOS are not infertile, but will just take longer to conceive. And likelihoood of conception goes up if they lose weight)/

@SafferUpNorth - yes it's the same person, I changed my username after posting to make the username actually match as this was an account I used to use