For being upset over our future

You are very young and no matter what you may think you can't have as much life experience, wisdom and maturity at 20 years old as you will have at 25 or 30. Great things to have as a mum. Slow down! Get an education, improve your opportunities, travel, try different things while you're young. The age your mother had you at and your teenage mum friends aren't relevant; average age for first child is about 31 I think?

What is it about being a young mother and growing up poor that you want to emulate for your children?

I didn't grow up poor but my mother is very anti abortion and if I'd got pregnant at 17 I'm pretty sure I'd have kept the baby. I would have had a child about the same age you are now, and I almost certainly wouldn't still be with the father. And my child would probably have grown up poor, at least compared to how my actual children are growing up now, and with a worse standard of living than I had in the 1980s and 1990s.

If you've grown up poor and know lots of single and teenage mothers, surely you can see how hard it is?

You have the opportunity to go to university and get onto a decent career path, or not to go to university and get onto a decent career path. You have the opportunity to use your savings as a deposit to get on the property ladder early. You have the opportunity to travel and broaden your horizons so that when you eventually do have children you have more interesting experiences to share with them. You have the opportunity to spend a decent amount of time with your partner and be really sure that he's the one for you and the right father for your children, or if he isn't, to end it and find someone who is. You have time to get married.

Do not underestimate these things.

If you wait ten years (which I realise probably sounds like a lifetime to you), you can give your future children all these things that you never had.

Or you can perpetuate the cycle of being a young mum whose personal and financial circumstances are less than ideal compared to what they could be if you waited.

There are no real advantages to being a young mum other than possibly getting pregnant more easily, and having more time with any grandchildren when the time comes.

Doing a degree is hard, doing it with a baby/toddler in tow is even harder (I've done both). You've got loads of time. At least he's being honest with you (although you probably do need to check that later ≠ never).

Much older women have got more life experience and most see the value in completing your education, getting on the career ladder and owning a home before committing to children. You’re not coming across as mature enough to start a family. If you go to university and then do a couple of years building towards a career you could still be a young mum in your mid twenties and your children will have a better future. I don’t see how you can have a genuinely well paid job at the moment having started straight from school with no further education, limited aspirations and an immature attitude.

You need to grow up quite a bit. You aren’t ready a child and neither is he. It sounds like you don’t want to go to uni so don’t. However your relationship is over, you want a child he doesn’t and has told you numerous time. Sounds like you want to replace the child you lost rather then accept it and move on. Get more therapy. It isn’t a new fashion for 20 year olds to have a baby. Get out there and see the world. You have years to start a family.

I have a daughter exactly the same age as you, also in the middle of a university course. I’m going to be really blunt here - I’m sorry for your medical difficulties and your abortion but honestly you would be absolutely mad to have a baby now, in this situation. You’re starting out in your life, regardless of how much money etc you have you’re literally only “just” an adult. Do you really want to start your life like this? Whatever happened to wanting a career, travelling, having a child free wild time of it?? Honestly I had my dd at 22 and looking back now I think I was really naive and I feel I should have waited at least ten years. I had been with her dad for 4 years by then and I naively thought we were perfect but having dd was like throwing a grenade into our relationship and I realised I wanted so much more long term. I left him when she was 6 months old. (Lots of reasons). I didn’t meet my now dh until dd was 5 years old and now I have a 10 year old son with dh and I feel I was in a much better place then.

I think when you’re 20 it’s easy to feel like you’re so grown up and especially if you’re surrounded by friends having babies it seems like you want to do that but I am 42 and I would just be horrified if dd told me she was pregnant. (Thankfully she isn’t remotely interested in any of that - she’s planning to travel for a year at the end of university and then start a job in her chosen field, her evenings and weekends are taken up with friends and parties. As I think it should be at 20).

You are 20!
What s the job and what maternity benefits are there?
Why uni? Will it be for vocation eg nursing?
Which 40 year old are you compaing to ? That means nothing.
Eg do you mean you have saved enough to cover all expenses for 6 months unpaid mat leave ? Enough to pay nursery fees for 3 years?
Is bf contributing to your house? Does he hsve good job?
Plenty time to move on and find someone else in tune with your goals.

It doesn't matter if you have millions in savings, 29 degrees and whatever else, your boyfriend doesn't want a child at the moment and by the sound of it is rightly being responsible and being careful regarding sex (guessing using condoms).

I also think a 27 year old is very different to a 20 year old. I wouldn’t be happy if my dd was dating someone that age. You should be surrounding yourself with people your own age. I think being around people having babies and being with someone so much older than you is making you old before your time!

PCOS doesn’t affect just one ovary. You might only have cysts on one ovary, but the syndrome is systemic. It’s worth learning more about the condition and how your body works so that when you do want to conceive you have a better chance.

That said, I do not think bringing a baby into your circumstances sounds like a good choice. Your partner sounds like he has a sensible approach to starting a family. I’m 28 so not that much older than you and no one I know my age or younger has kids because the focus is setting up life for the future - uni, career building, buying a house. All things which are much harder with kids. Enjoy your youth now because you don’t get your carefree 20s back!

I feel like we've come across each other before...are you by any chance Cherryshade123.... not that I'd expect you to admit if it you were

None of the other stuff matters. If your partner doesn’t want a baby you can’t have one. Don’t bulldoze him into having one-being a parent should be a choice and not one you make lightly!

Book in to see your GP and talk about your fertility, your worries and the likelihood of you having issues conceiving. They may be able to put your mind at rest or suggest measures you can take such as freezing eggs for the future. Then go out and enjoy your 20s before getting bogged down with babies.

Dear OP, please don’t take this negatively, but you are still very young, and I say that as someone who had a child when younger than you are now. I can only speak from my own experience to say that if you can delay having a child for a few more years you will have so much more to offer your baby. Having a child as a young woman really puts a lot of limits on you in so many ways. In no particular order.

career wise : having a young child (or children if you do them back to back) really slows down a woman’s career progression, yes, you can make it up, but it is hard, limiting your hours due to childcare, losing out on training, promotion, travelling, flexibility of location can all really impact your working life. It is also so much easier to do things like professional qualifications and /or university when you are child free. Which leads on to

finance: all sorts of problems here, some from not being in a job which offers good maternity benefits, from wanting to stay at home and finding smp barely pays the rent(while it lasts) ,from making sure you keep your pension pot healthy , to finding yourself being dependent on someone else’s income, which leads on to

relationships: your partner has already made his views clear. A not 100% wanted pregnancy and baby can put huge strains on a not fully committed relationship, especially one which is fairly recent . If he sticks around make sure you get some security in communal property by getting married, but also be prepared to spend the next 18 years trying to get financial support for a child if he decides he isn’t ready for fatherhood.

My last point is about you as a person, you don’t sound as though you have had that much experience of life, it is amazing how much you grow and change during your 20 s, your ideas change, your interests, if you have a decent income and no ties you can travel, entertain, indulge yourself in your hobbies and whims, which means that when you do eventually have children you are a more settled, rounded, interesting , mature person who has so much more to offer a child.

You say your mum had you quite young, so she must be only early forties, does she have a view? Do you have the kind of relationship where you can discuss this, as she might be able to share her experience of having a baby in an economically deprived background at a young age and whether (no matter how much she loves you) she would recommend that as ideal?

But be careful of unprotected sex with anyone, as some very, very common STDs contribute to infertility.

In the last century cultural norms and expectations for young women have changed dramatically. A hundred years ago a young woman wanting to have babies at 20-25 would have been perfectly normal and a young woman going to university rather out of the norm, now it is exactly the opposite. Of course in each norm there are going to be some people who want to buck the trend.

Do not therefore feel that you need to go to uni to tick a box, but ask yourself honestly and clearly if you have a clear route to a good job and decent financial prospects without it. I think as uni becomes more and more expensive, lots of young people should be analysing whether the future benefit of university is worth the debt.

Ask yourself if you are in the right place to give a good physical (home), financial (stable job with maternity rights), emotional (stable family life) life and good prospects (education, opportunity, 'cultural enrichment') to a baby. If not, don't do it.

It is very hard to explain to anyone who hasn't done it before how once you have a baby that is it, you can't change your mind, you can't give it back. You are responsible for bringing that child up to maturity with as much love and support as possible, putting your own needs, desires and wants on the back burner. The older women you find amusing didn't fall out of the sky older only for the purpose of thwarting the younger generations dreams. They have by definition lived your bit, and the bit after that, and the bit after that, they are trying to give you the benefit of their experience and hindsight.

I don't think your age matters, if you know what you want then you know what you want. The trouble is that your partner doesn't want the same thing at the same time as you. If it is really important to you then you could leave and find someone else who is on the same page as you. Though I agree with others a lot of guys might pull the not ready card. Wish you luck whatever you decide 😊

Whatever you do, don't have a child with someone who isn't as committed to the idea as you are

I thought I knew what I wanted when I was 20. And also when I was 25.

It wasn't the same thing I wanted at 30.

I had a baby at 17, completely on my own! Was it hard, I don't know because I didn't have any other choice. I missed out on alot of milestones (she was essentially raised by a childminder/nanny) because I had to work 2 jobs to pay for a house, car and everything on my own with 0 savings to my name and minimal family support. No father involved from the very minute I told him, never a single cent from him bor would I ever ask him.

Fast Forward im now 34, married and been with my DH 10 years, he accepted my child as his own and he'd the only father she's ever known. I spent years climbing the ladder to get where I am today and watched all my friends lap me by miles. I had our 2nd at age 28 and our 3rd at 30 with a tubal! O then went on to have a hysterectomy 2 years later due to complications im now going through menopause at 34!

I still work as hard as I did when I was 17 but now I've climbed up to an upper management role which is fantastic and great pay however still not where I wanted to be. I wanted nothing more than to study and chase my dreams.

I understand the want and the need and you can still have that in 3-5 years but think of how much further accomplished you'll be as a woman. I'm not proud of how my daughter was raised and how she saw her siblings get the mum she should've had and I don't know if that was the right choice but I did all I could and it was still a struggle. You have so many opportunities in front of you and you can achieve it all and still have that end result. If anything at least think about it and put 100% onto work or study and reconsider in a few years. I'm proud of where I am today and how far we've come but if I could turn back time I would've and could've been better for everyone.

Yes, 20yo is too young. Finish uni, get a foothold in your career and then start a family. I would think around 28yo for you and 35yo for what should by then be your DH would be much better. He sounds like a sensible man.

You must live in a bubble because 20 is incredibly young to be having a baby. Your own brain isn’t even fully developed yet.

Just to say Aussie you sound like an amazing and very thoughtful mum and I'm sure that while circumstances may not have been ideal your daughter will be so grateful to have had a mum who worked so incredibly hard to ultimately give her a good life.

(I mean if she's currently a teen probably not but in the fulness of time...!)

Haha I've left the teen years out for a reason! she's 16, she's had some petson struggles of her own ans it's taken a long time for us to grow a bond and it makes me incredibly sad to think of how much I missed. How no one. was there to take photos of us or for me to have those memories. She now has the world at her feet and hope she can become more than I was with everything I've built for her. All I can do is guide her and support her and she knows she'll always have me as much as she hates me sometimes!

Thank you I appreciate that.

I was told that I was infertile due to having PCOS in my right ovary and I was told I'd need medical intervention to conceive.

What does that even mean? You were told that had PCOS in one ovary only and that meant you were infertile? What about your left ovary?

I don't think you really understood what you were being told. PCOS doesn't mean infertility. A doctor wouldn't have told you that. What they will have told you is that PCOS can cause issues with fertility (because ovulation can be infrequent and irregular) and you might need assistance in the future. That is not the same as being infertile and you shouldn't be telling men you are.

You are being unreasonable to be upset that your boyfriend of 2 years doesn't want to have a child yet. Your wish for a child does not overrule his wish to not have one yet. He is being sensible to not trust you not to become pregnant "accidentally".

This

You're much too young to start having babies. You haven't had any life yourself yet. The DP is right. You've both got many years before you need to start a family, and he might not be the right man anyway. Slow down.