For being upset over our future

Firstly PCOS doesn't make you infertile. A huge percentage of women with PCOS go on to conceive, myself included.

You're 20, you don't need to rush in to having kids.
Either way your boyfriend doesn't want a kid at the minute so thats really all there is to it in terms of your current situation.

'he's so careful around sex so there's literally no possibility of a surprise pregnancy again. He wants to wait until I've finished university but I go back in September so he wants to wait another 3 years? He also wants to wait for a better house or a better car or to be more financially stable'

All completely normal and reasonable things to put in place before starting a family.
By all means dump him if having a baby is so important to you but good luck finding someone who actively wants to have a child while they're still young, and so are you plus in full time education for 3 more years.

@Sissynova, I have a very good paying job at the moment and the only reason I'm not in education is because I simply don't want to be. I already tried university once before and if I dislike it in September then I've decided it just isn't for me.

I understand that I'm young but I hate when people say this as nobody knows how long it could take for me to conceive in the first place and I should already have a kid. I never wanted an abortion and therefore if I had a choice, I'd have a 7 month old as we speak. Not to mention everyone I know has kids or are about to be in their last year of university and thinking about having kids.

Even if I got pregnant right now, I'd be 21 when I had them and my own mother was 22 when I was born so to me it doesn't feel that young.

I get what you're saying and having kids is important to me but we've built a good relationship over these 2 years and finding someone else isn't something I want to do.

I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable. Thank you for your response (;

OP... is it possible you're trying to come to terms with your diagnosis and grief over your termination by trying to have a baby asap? Does it feel like the absolute most important/urgent thing you could be doing right now? I wonder if you have any inclination to seek out therapy to explore what's going on for you? If you're in the UK then you can access it from the NHS.

Your partner may be 27 but you're only 20 and it makes perfect sense that he wouldn't want to have a child with someone who hasn't even started their degree yet, let alone finished it, established themselves in their career.

May I ask how you have so much money in savings? Where it came from? At 20 I know I thought £2k was absolute riches that was more than most people alive because I had no perspective on money. Feel free not to answer any of that.

You have yourself a responsible man there who wants to make sure that if and when you have a child together, you bring them into the home they deserve. But if you're really determined to have children ASAP (what would be your plan around your degree and money and working?) then by all means you can split up and see if you can meet someone who wants children sooner.

@Sissynova Also bare in mind we literally do have a house and a car and good jobs and like i said I have more in savings than most people twice my age so those things aren't an issue, he just wants better

(:

20 and 27 is really young to have a child in the grand scheme of things. HINBU.

You're 20, you're part way through a uni course (I think?) and your boyfriend is not sure he is ready to be a parent. It's good that your boyfriend is being very careful about contraception, because he isn't sure he wants to be a parent yet! A "surprise" pregnancy that forces his hand isn't the solution.

It would be better for you, surely, to finish your course at uni and then think about whether it's time to start a family. At the age of 20 you have plenty of time to think about this and not put pressure on your boyfriend.

However, if it's absolutely your priority to have a baby as soon as possible, then perhaps you need to reconsider your relationship and your uni course in order to concentrate on that specific goal. For me, that would seem like an unwise course of action, but if that's what you really want to do then you need to be realistic and upfront with any potential future boyfriend.

And as a PP has said, PCOS can make it more unlikely for you to become pregnant, but presuming your left ovary is not affected then you still can (and indeed did) become pregnant. So don't rely on the idea of being "infertile" as a contraception, when you are clearly still producing eggs and are able to carry a pregnancy.

or are about to be in their last year of university and thinking about having kids.

If they're the same age as you then I think that's highly unusual.
It sounds like your partner doesn't want children and is coming up with excuses why you should wait, you need to think about moving on if it's really that important to you.

@FuckTheLemonsandBail, I've already had therapy for my abortion, it has been over a year since I had it and I feel like I've mostly come to terms with it though I still get sad. Having PCOS has never affected me in any way negatively.

I have far more than £2,000 in savings as I've had a job since I was 15. Trust me I know that I am financially stable and as stated I do live with my partner in our own house etc.

I don't know how I'd currently balance a degree on top of a child but I'm not even sure if University is the correct place for me. I'm not exactly determined to have children but I saw myself having kids young anyway but that clearly is not going to happen.

I feel as though I've not missed anything but let me know if I have

(:

I am not sure that's fair. I know loads of people who wanted kids but not at 27. Which is - now a days - young. At least in my circles. I always wanted kids, but not at 27.

Regardless of age, you can't make somebody have a baby before they are ready, or if they don't want to. As PP have said, if that's the most important thing to you then you need to go and find someone who's on the same page.

@Cherry119 I'm confused, are you the OP? I find it hard to believe everyone you know is planning a baby by their 3rd year of uni. It is very uncommon to have a baby that young in the UK. It seems like you're just looking for what you want to see.
At 20 you don't have a 'good' job, particularly when you seem to have started uni and then deferred to 'back' in September. You haven't been working as an adult for very long.
No of this is relevant, your boyfriend doesn't want to have a baby.
It doesn't matter how much you think you have in savings or how many other people you know at 20 who had a kid and are having a great time.

I'm sorry you had an abortion, but PCOS isn't an infertility sentence for most women and you did get pregnant so you know you aren't infertile. It seems like you obviously have lots of tough feelings around this still, which is totally understandable but pushing someone who doesn't want a baby or trying to trick him into a surprise pregnancy really isn't a good way to deal with it.

@RoseslnTheHospital I've not started University yet as when I went last year, I did not enjoy being there. I did not mean surprise as anything negative, was just stating it would never happen that way.

I also am not desperate to have a child though it would be higher on my list of things that I want in my life and I do want people to know I've never tried to force him or anything, we barely speak on the topic now as that's exactly how I don't want him to feel.

I do love him and I do want what's best for our relationship so I'd never reconsider being with him, I just wanted to know if my upset was unreasonable.

Not sure if I've missed something but just let me know if I did
(:

@GalileoHumpkins You'd be surprised actually. I have a good few friends, 5 of them already have children and 1 is currently pregnant and my best friend will be in her 3rd year next year and has been thinking about a child.

I struggle to believe a doctor would have told you that you were infertile at 16 due to PCOS, sorry. First of all because PCOS doesn't make you infertile. Secondly because couples are generally diagnosed with infertility after they have been TTC for a long time and it hasn't worked. And thirdly because a doctor is only going to tell a woman she won't be able to have children before she's even tried (especially at such a young age) is if it's absolutely certain, for example, she's been diagnosed with MRKH syndrome or had chemotherapy that has fried all her eggs.

If I'm honest, the "doctors told me I was infertile so I didn't bother using contraception" line is one we see a lot on here from women trying to explain away their "accidental" pregnancies who don't realise that this isn't a thing that really happens.

Just be honest. You want a baby. You don't want to use contraception because you want a baby.

If your boyfriend doesn't want a baby he should use condoms, not have unprotected sex with you and then pressure you to get an abortion when the inevitable happens. But perhaps he really did believe the infertility story.

Anyway, he doesn't want a baby yet, so if you do you should end your relationship and find someone who does.

But in your position I would question why you want to have a baby so young (and you are incredibly young to be having a baby) rather than wait a few years until you've got an education or done some travelling or anything else you wouldn't easily be able to do with a baby.

If a baby is really all you want, well OK, but you clearly are fertile so time is on your side. And unless you're planning to have 10 children, if you start having babies now, you'll be done having babies by the time most women your age are just starting. You can't just keep having more babies because you love babies.

I think YABU to be upset that he's not ready yet, there's so much going on in your posts and none of it overrules the fact he isn't ready.

You are still young, PCOS doesn't mean a blanket rule of infertility - you go back to uni in a few months and so much seems to be going on.

Your partners reasons for not wanting a child yet are just as valid as yours for wanting one, and I would say the person who doesn't want DC takes precedence. If it's that huge a deal for you you'll have to think if this is the relationship for you.

SO you are still planning on going to uni? And you want to do that with a baby?

I agree with PP, I wonder if part of this desire to have a baby now is to help you deal with the feelings you had surrounding your termination. Which is pretty normal.

But life is long OP, and 20 is just at the very beginning of it. Have a chat to your partner about the longer term and see how you feel from there. I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't want children if I did. But if he does in the longer term, and just not now, then I think that's entirely fine.

It sounds to me like you’re at a crossroads: about to start university but your heart isn’t in it. That, as well as your feelings around the abortion, have led you to believe that the only answer is to be a mum now instead

I’d really try to figure out what you want for you OP. As well as being a mum, what else do you want? What skills do you want? What job do you want? What life do you want as well as being a mum? Focus on that. You can have it all, you have the time.

And if you really really can’t wait another moment then you’re going to have to leave your partner and go it alone or look for someone else. You can’t force him to want children sooner than he’s ready.

@Cherry119 You aren't really making sense though, you aren't desperate to have a child but yet you're this upset because your boyfriend wants to wait until you're out of university at least?

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but he does have good points. Having completed education, if you want to, and having a job will help support yourself and future children. I'm 32 and only one or two people I went to uni with have kids.

Poor fella. The OP smacks of hoping for an accident. Emphasising he’s so careful like she wishes he wasn’t so she could have a kid against his wishes, oops.

What if he ain’t ready at 37? Find someone on your wavelength and stop wasting both your time.

You know what OP, by the very fact you've come here and asked questions to get feedback and aren't putting pressure on your bf or trying to engineer a 'surprise' pregnancy, have a house and money and an educational plan and have worked a decent job, it shows that you're actually a very level-headed and responsible person who has an overwhelming desire to have a child soon, but knows rationally that it wouldn't be the best thing for anyone involved.

It's great that you know what you want and can convey that to your boyfriend.

This is going to sound really silly but bear with me... I was 26 when I realised I really wanted a baby. The time was definitely not right. I was renting a small flat, with a partner who didn't actually want kids any time soon, with nothing in the bank, had a decent job but he had a lot of debt, no prospect of homeownership, the list goes on. I was absolutely consumed with wanting a baby (not least because everyone around me was having them too just like you!). I didn't have my child until I was 31. I spent those five years doing everything I could to set up my life so that when a baby did hopefully arrive, I could know I did the best I could to prepare for them.

I studied, did further qualifications, got promotions, dated with intent (I told my now DH on our first date I was planning on a child in 2-3yr and only considering exclusivity with someone who had the same life goals), bought a home, and then finally got to try and was thankfully successful. When that baby arrived, knowing that he was wanted so dearly by both of his parents was the most wonderful thing.

I also felt really up against the clock due to having stage four endometriosis and only one fallopian tube. You know how I coped for those five years? I kept reminding myself that the egg that would create my future child was already there inside me, already in my ovary, and I was carrying them around every day doing the best I could for them. And I reminded myself that when the day came and I met my child, whether that was in a year or ten or via adoption or carrying myself or any number of outcomes, I would be SO glad I waited. Because I'd meet them and not be able to imagine any other outcome than them.

My kid is three now and I full on pinch myself every day at how much I love him, how awesome he is, I can't believe he's mine. And he has the sort of life I couldn't in a million years have given him if I'd been five years younger.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck. You will make a wonderful mother when the time is right.

I understand your thought process, but focus on the fact that you did get pregnant, and quite quickly, in your current relationship, so all is not lost. It sounds as though he is actually taking a more mature approach which is the right thing to do. However though you do need to find out what his long term intentions are with you, if he can't commit to saying "I want a baby / to build a life with you, i would like to wait until XYZ" then that is fair enough, but if he really can't commit to actually wanting a child then you need to walk away. You say you have a good job and savings of £2,000 but if one of you lost a job or the car broke or the boiler broke etc et £2,000 doesn't go very far at all. Even with over 20x that amount i wouldn't necessarily think i had enough to comfortably have a child right now with everything going on. Try to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. 20 is very young.

OP, you’re 20. If you want to do this responsibly you have a lot to do before getting pregnant, including:

• Getting your degree
• Getting a graduate job with parental leave/flexible working benefits etc
• Buying a house
• Getting married (optional, but extra security for both of you)
• Having savings (yes, you’ve got some now but what about after the work transition, house deposit etc)

If you’re not thinking in these terms already then you’re also too immature to have a baby right now.

Sorry but your partner is right, although he should never have given you false hope.

@MargotBamborough Believe what you will but if you would like me to show you my records by all means! I was told by a doctor at 16 that I'd need medical intervention and I genuinely didn't use protection because I was quite young when I was told and clearly believed what he told me but I'd been experience irregular periods since I started, started to get dark facial hair and a bunch of other things so I went and they did their internal scans and that's what I was told in the end.

Also fyi, since my abortion I had an IUD, made things worse so went on the pill and then I was nervous that the pill could potentially make my situation worse and therefore I no longer take it. I actually frequently update my partner on my cycle but it can be hard to track which is why we're careful so that a baby doesn't happen as I respect him as a person and I respect his wish to not be a dad yet which is why I had my abortion in the first place (:

He did believe my "infertile" story but if you really want my ex partner to confirm that we had 2 years of unprotected sex and nothing happened then absolutely - from that experience I had gathered that I was definitely infertile but then when I met my current partner it became apparent that I wasn't - clearly

Thank you for you time but potentially don't be so rude when you don't actually know someone's full story or you aren't them and haven't had the same experiences. I'm sorry for whoever lied about their infertility story to make you be so harsh to those with real stories.

Have a nice day
(:

I think this has coloured your view as well. In my area/friendship circle no one has children young so none of us felt any comparative pressure.

You’re comparing yourself to other people. Live your life OP, not theirs.

my best friend will be in her 3rd year next year and has been thinking about a child.
So she’s in the same situation that your partner was describing; finishing uni and thinking about next steps.