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Is it ok to keep in touch with an affair partner?

(124 Posts)
MrsKFA Sat 24-Feb-18 17:03:00

Both me and my husband cheated on each other (he was first). Although nature of our affairs was different we both cheated on each other.
I work in the same company as my affair partner and naturally we have contact through work, but when I find it tough I call him outside of work and we have a chat. He makes me feel better. We never talk about the affair and sex we had, we just talk about every day things and about my feelings when things between me and my husband were tough.

Every time my husband finds out I was talking to my affair partner he is upset, angry and doesn’t tolerate it.

My affair ended, I do not meet my affair partner after hours, there is nothing between us anymore, we only work together and I enjoy talking to him sometimes.

Am I doing anything wrong or is it my husband who blows it out of proportion?

Stillwishihadabs Sat 24-Feb-18 17:04:23

It's really not ok

LolitaLempicka Sat 24-Feb-18 17:04:51

I think it is wrong, yes. Why are you still married? It all sounds a bit shit.

fitbitbore Sat 24-Feb-18 17:05:36

Nope not cool at all.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 24-Feb-18 17:06:06

Is he in touch with his ex OW? If not, how would you feel if he were?

Your marriage sounds toxic. If you’ve both been unfaithful, and you’re unwilling to really end your affair, which you know makes your husband upset and angry, why keep flogging a dead horse? Just get a divorce then you can each chat to or shag anyone you like.

QuantumPixies Sat 24-Feb-18 17:07:01

Is this a reverse? In what universe do people expect to stay friends with someone they’ve had an affair with and keep their relationship? confused

HobnobBob Sat 24-Feb-18 17:07:09

Of course it’s not ok, can’t believe you’re even asking. Are you even bothered about your marriage?

MrsElvis Sat 24-Feb-18 17:07:42

You seek him out to make you feel better. No it's not ok

MadMags Sat 24-Feb-18 17:07:57

Fuck sake. Of course it’s not ok. hmm

Thistlebelle Sat 24-Feb-18 17:08:14

Of course it’s not ok. confused

You are using a man you had an adulterous sexual relationship with as an emotion prop.

It’s not fair to the man concerned and it’s certainly not fair to your DH.

Talk to your DH if you need emotional support.

Hassled Sat 24-Feb-18 17:08:25

I think you're probably feeling that as your husband cheated first that makes your affair excusable and OK, so it's fine to still chat to the guy - and I can sort of see why you'd think that. But nevertheless, unless you'd actually separated at the time, you cheated too. You both need to rebuild trust in the other person - which is bloody hard to do at the best of times, and sometimes impossible. It certainly won't be possible if you're still offloading to him about your woes rather than working on things with your husband. If you need to offload, are there not other friends you could speak to?

FancyNewBeesly Sat 24-Feb-18 17:09:20

On what planet could you possibly think this is okay?

Polly99 Sat 24-Feb-18 17:10:52

You are in the wrong.

If my DH has an affair (regardless of the circumstances) cutting contact with the person he cheated with would be a pre-condition of our relationship continuing. If it was a coworker I’d expect DH to find a new job so that he didn’t see that person at all.

RoseyOldCrow Sat 24-Feb-18 17:10:54

Not recommended but sometimes unavoidable, for practical / employment reasons.
You & your OH have to have unbreakable honesty, transparency & trust for it to work though.
Only you can decide if you want to stay in your marriage - but take it from one who has been there, it is bloody tough. And I failed.

Ophelialovescats Sat 24-Feb-18 17:11:17

Wow...are you joking ?
Please get some quality relationship counselling asap. ...
You are obviously clueless as to how to build a relationship back after an affair.

TooFew Sat 24-Feb-18 17:14:39

You need to realise that when you say you're not doing anything...that you're deluding yourself. Of course you are! You're marriage doesn't stand a chance if you're still investing in a connection with the person you cheated on your husband with.

Hernameisdeborah Sat 24-Feb-18 17:15:35

Certainly not ok

BackInTheRoom Sat 24-Feb-18 17:16:22

Is this a wind up?

BackInTheRoom Sat 24-Feb-18 17:17:13

Am I doing anything wrong or is it my husband who blows it out of proportion?

Really? grin

Alfiemoon1 Sat 24-Feb-18 18:01:49

Of course your dh is upset and no u shouldn’t still be in contact other than on a professional work level. If I were your dh I would of probably insisted u moved jobs after having an affair with a colleague

Hotdoggity Sat 24-Feb-18 18:05:51

Why was the nature of your affairs different? Did he have an EA and you an emotional and physical affair?

Angelf1sh Sat 24-Feb-18 18:06:54

Of course it’s not ok! You can’t genuinely be asking this, surely nobody is this self-centred?

AnyFucker Sat 24-Feb-18 18:09:41

Are you this stupid all the time ?

MrsKFA Sat 24-Feb-18 18:12:04

His was definitely emotional, with some intimacy, but they both aware they never had sex or been naked together.
I went a step further and had sex few times.

MrsKFA Sat 24-Feb-18 18:13:06

Not “aware” but they both swear they had not have sex together.

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