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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

(1000 Posts)
pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 00:18:14

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 00:24:10

We're also all asleep right now, but settle down under a slanket and enjoy the Monster Munch until we are ready to minister to you.

25bucksandacracker Sun 12-May-19 00:24:25

Can I be the Thighland babysitter? I am quite drunk just now but i promise ill clean up my act and get a throw for the sofa

ProjectGainsborough Sun 12-May-19 08:31:34

Yes 25, the Dark Lord is available for baby sitting any time you want him. Be aware that he’ll steal your car keys and sell your jewellery though.

Welcome to just. I laughed quite hard at your dandelion-eating toddler. In an entirely benevolent and kindly way, of course.

The house has not sold yet, cabal. We had more viewings yesterday and I had a small mental breakdown while cleaning in preparation. Bring back the days when we could just live comfortably in our own filth.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 08:33:50

Reporting for duty! I am glad thigh has come back from her hols to lead us. We were getting over- involved with jizz and that never ends well.

Do we need to change our names again?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 08:37:44

Oh project we have been intending to sell for years, and the thought of tidying up/cleaning is quite daunting. On the other hand I have a friend who recommends moving house as a good way to get a clean cooker.

WaxaCuntee Sun 12-May-19 08:50:02

Hello Thighland. No angst here yet I see.
I have tried to catch up but all the gin and jizz talk was making me feel a bit nauseous if I'm honest.

25, perhaps you could take Just's small human to the park as she hasn't managed to do it herself due to clumsiness from what I can make out.

I've decided to keep this name as it is much catchier. Thanks for the inspiration.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 09:06:53

I do like your new name wax ! Tis true the Gizz was a bit yuck but some of us are prepared to stoop very low to get rich.

Inspired by another thread, perhaps we could get government grants to forcibly wash people? There are plenty of volunteer Mumsnetters who (probably willingly and without payment) could be sent out to bring them to us.

It would be a bit like portable doggy salons, and we would gradually increase our remit. It will start with a daily shower, but then twice or thrice. Jackbooted Supersniffers recruited from Mumsnet could do all the work. Any takers?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 09:11:41

BTW as Board Members nobody would be allowed to sniff us, or our slankets.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 09:14:24

I’m surprised no people with problems arrived overnight. Maybe they are all having a lie in.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 09:16:26

Like a human car wash? We roll people through it.

I've always wanted a machine that would wash, dry, beperfume and dress me as well as coiffing my hair.

That was pre-Thighland though, before I realised that piss was actually an accessory.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 09:18:23

Thislido they're growing wise to us and know that we just lure people in and they never get to leave. It's like the town of Stepford here - but in reverse.

This is our 12th thread, it's ridiculous. I was just a bit bored one morning, I didn't mean for all this to happen.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 09:19:29

I had in mind a car wash too. But for a smaller capital investment we could just get a hose with one of those variable attachments.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 09:20:29

But it’s so lovely here. Why don’t they want to join?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 09:57:33

They're still in the shower, lido . Whatever's wrong with having a quick wipe down with an oily rag?

25bucksandacracker Sun 12-May-19 09:58:35

We could just crack a fire hydrant open and slop people around in that. Then we don't have to buy equipment. I've just bought a McDonald's breakfast bagel and it's cleaned me out. Hopefully my babysitting jobs will pay well though. I'm knitting little child slankets as we speak. I plan to feed them fishermans friend and let them watch Seinfeld. That's what kids like right?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:00:39

But obviously we should be encouraging excessive washing, or it's back to Plan A, ie Gizz.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:05:03

25bucks you have skillz! You would definitely survive the Zombie Apocalypse. I think a lot of people on MN would burst into tears if you asked them to darn a sock.

Also, you have a very caring approach to childrearing.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:08:05

PS did the bagel clean you out financially or was it bowel related? I think thigh would like to know.

25bucksandacracker Sun 12-May-19 10:18:10

Bowels and pockets simultaneously. It was a low point of my 30s tbh

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:20:45

We might have to start inventing problems, or overthink something that isn't a problem.

Fuckboy is away for the weekend, would I be unreasonable to order a skip before he gets back? He has a lot of clutter.

25bucksandacracker Sun 12-May-19 10:23:08

I have so many problems. I can't find a boyfriend (not even a crap one) and I want to procure a baby and also my house is a disgusting mess that I cba to clean up. Tips?

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:25:41

Order a skip. Check out the skip chap. Does he look muscular and fertile? Job done.

CarolinePooter Sun 12-May-19 10:30:51

Someone was asking for chap- meeting tips on another thread, and lots of people suggesting joining a walking group. Also, if you have the slightest interest in motorbikes or cars, meeting men at rallies is like shooting fish in a barrel.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 10:39:59

I'm back in uniform for the new thread! Thanks for the link thislido .

I have a problem, as directed by Thigh I just went to look for Jennifer1983's thread about someone throwing water on her parking space or some-such, and I can only find a thread called 'Thigh Rash' about a rash she has around her knicker line.

So my query is was thigh just being naughty or am I crap at advanced searching? (Either is fine!)

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