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Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

Doesn't start until next week - plenty of time for last minute mini roll scoffing. Good luck with the meeting and with the Rosebud bumtip.

Oh I thought you meant the ZA starts next week then No , I got all exited, I did.

Not to worry and, I'm glad you've one more week of scoffing! If you try hard you could gain a dress size for work!

TL perhaps you could put make up on your bum and a long blonde wig and go to your meeting upside down? If anyone ever calls you an arse their accuracy will satisfy the pedant within you.

Hmm. I wonder if stuffed reusable sanitary towels would make good draught excluders? They have a pretty pattern on one side.

Minnie I don't know if I can go along with that. You say they're reusable but what if you get mixed up? Bits of floor in your knickers, bits of fanny on your floor.

You could capture a lamb and get it to lie down in front of any draughts. If it objects show it a jar of mint sauce.

Ive been wondering how Frith’s son got on with his first GCSE today. I remember being so nervous for mine.

Oh yes! I wonder if he ever got up?

Me turning blonde would probably be a bigger surprise, Thigh. In fact I got mistaken for a bloke at the station. Happens quite frequently with short hair.

Always men who do it . They seem to rely on very simple visual clues.

I’ll be able to use my menstrual cups as egg cups come the menopause. What a happy future.

You can also use them to draw round for a circle 'this'!

Or maybe as an unusual goblet type vessel for a beverage?

The possibilities seem almost infinite! What fun! Bring it on full throttle, I say!

Oh that’s true. They could be unbreakable sherry glasses. I don’t really drink but I’m sure guests would love them!

Dangly you are a veritable ray of sunshine - I will apply myself assiduously to gaining a dress size, they'll have to order me a new uniform if I'm successful!

this if you'd like me to send you some of my long hair to use on your short hair please do say. The strands that aren't dyed are grey, so should blend in with whatever colour yours is.

And talking of being mistaken for a man has reminded me of someone else we need to put on the hit list. That'll be the object of my crush, circa 1981, who not only didn't return my affection, but told me I looked like Johnny - oh god, I can't remember his surname. The one who sang Pull the Ribbon from Your Hair?

Matthis. Johnny Matthis.

No he is now on the list! We will have his liver out with thigh's grapefruit spoon!

Johnny Mathis I ask you!! How rude! It's quite ok if one actually is Johnny Mathis but not to say to young girls!

I'd be alright with it now though! He's probably a better looking woman than me anyway nowadays!

Here have a doughnut No we're on a mission to make them buy you a new uniform just to show commitment!

Thanks for the offer, No, my hair is quite grey too but I like it short, don’t give fuck about being mistaken for a bloke, and you might need you wig.

I’d forgotten about my grapefruit spoons. They were my granny’s. I’m sure she’d Ben pleased they were being out to good use, she hated waste.

How about a double dozen of Krispy Kreme? If I mention them I might be able to conjure up the advert again.

It's so lovely having friends who will willingly commit murder for you :). I know now that I've been looking for the wrong sorts of friends all my life!

The grapefruit spoons have reminded me that my df had a pair of ridiculously ornate looking scissors that he informed me were grape scissors. I never once saw anyone use them, nor indeed pick them up from the marble ashtray they lived on in our sitting room. I feel sure they would be a marvellous addition to our weapons collection.

Sorry to harp on about the hair loss but I've decided I'm going to become a doctor so I can treat myself. And then I can offer my services to the clinic in my capacity, not just as an agony aunt, but as a signer of death certificates.

Krispy Kremes, donuts, mini rolls, monster munch, wotsits - all on the menu for tonight's dinner.

Ooh look! These are the sorts of scissors I mean. My df's were gold though. I wonder what happened to them.

this can you summon up actual Krispy Kremes or just the ad by mentioning them?

Krispy Kreme x a million!!

You're getting the right idea now No , you just need friends with solid values!

Try and get those grape scissors! I think we could use them for our eyeball collection! Still got some over from the skulling phase!

The grape scissors look like a marvellous addition. I've also got my granny's embroidery scissors, they are very sharp.

I think if I threaten deliveroo with my granny's arsenal then it will be a step towards making Krispy Kremes appear from nowhere.

Now there's an idea! We should set up a protection racket and threaten food delivery services to get free food all the time!!

I'm going to do Pizza Pan right now!

Where's that dick thing Lone told us about? I might need it!

noway we have some grape scissors, inherited from MIL. I am very pleased to have something - or someone - to use them on! We also have grapefruit spoons, a grapefruit knife and numerous cake forks. I think you could say that MIL had unrealised aspirations. She hoarded dinner and tea services, crystal, silver cutlery. And it never saw the light of day except at Christmas! All packed away now, DH can't bear to get rid of it.

Poter we can use those for our security racket!

Why not steal them in the dead of night and bring them
to Thighland! Your dh will never know! You could say it was a really tidy burglar!

Ooh Pooter do your grape scissors look like my df's?! Your granny was obviously a forward thinker.

Which food outlet should I target? Before my dc left for the fair, all the local delivery drivers were personal friends so I could probably afford to be a bit choosy.

Oh I'm sorry Pooter I meant your MIL not your granny. Although I'm sure your granny too was very advanced in her thinking,