Returning to work after 6 years — dh says I shouldn’t stay overnight

[TheDoom]

I’ve just started my first job in 6 years after being a sahm and I’ve got a meeting coming up which means I’d need to stay overnight. dh thinks I should tell them I can’t do it because of dd and has called me selfish for even considering it.

The meeting starts at 8am and it’s about 2 hours away so if I don’t stay I’d have to leave at about 4.30am. Work have booked rooms for people who need them and tbh I think it makes much more sense for me to stay than get up in the middle of the night and drive there half asleep.

The problem is dd is 19 months and I’ve never spent a night away from her. She’s still breastfed but she’ll take a bottle and she’s fine with dh during the day. She is a bit of a nightmare at bedtime though and she’s very attached to me. dh says he doesn’t see why I need to put her through a night of screaming just because I want to go to a work meeting.

I do feel guilty about it, obviously. I’ve been at home for 6 years and before this I’ve basically done everything with the kids. ds1 is 6, ds2 is 4 and then dd. I did school/nursery stuff, appointments, meals, laundry etc while dh worked. He earns more than I did so it worked for us and I wasn’t sitting at home resenting him or anything.

But now I’ve got this job and I actually want to do well at it. This is the first proper thing I’ve done work wise since having the kids and I don’t really want to start off by saying I can’t stay overnight because my toddler might not settle for dh.

dh keeps saying I’m being selfish and that if I cared about dd I’d just drive down at 4.30. I think one night should be manageable for him even if bedtime is shit. It’s not like I’m leaving her for a week.

Would you stay overnight or am I being unreasonable?

I don’t think you are the one that’s being selfish…

What time does she go to bed? Can you travel after she's asleep?

Tell him a parent who can't even manage one bedtime is selfish. Of course you stay in tge hotel.

Your husband is being a dick.

He doesnt want to do a semi-difficult bedtime for ONE night.

My dh was many faults he has NEVER told me i am selfish with regards to the kids becsuse he knows how much i do.

as context...I left my 25m old and just 4 yr old with him for a week in mar and again in June. He left me with them solo for a fortnight in the summer.
It was a non-event every time.

Well done for getting back into work

Dont fuck up your job. Based on his supportiveness (lack thereof) you are likely to need it.

How many nights has he ever spent away from you so you have to do bedtime alone? Did you call him selfish? Doubt it.

If he cared about her he’d take over from this evening, so she’s less likely to be a problem on the actual day.

I would go for compromise option. Put her to bed, then leave. You’ll still be there at a decent time in the evening, avoid the very early start and don’t cause a bedtime upheaval.

That being said, I do think he’s being a dick and should just get on with it.

Wait, your DH is questioning how much you care for your DD based on this? He’s being a total dick. It’s him that doesn’t want the inconvenience, your baby will be fine.

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He’s being a twat and should have been working out how to do bedtimes with his own child before now. I doubt he cares about her being upset, he’s annoyed as it inconveniences him and he has to parent his own children for one night.

He needs to pull himself together and learn how to parent his own child. Of course it’s not unreasonable for you to go!

Point out it’s better for the entire family if she has practice at settling for him so builds resilience. What happens if you’re admitted to hospital, have to stay in hospital overnight with one of your other children or have to suddenly go and deal with a crisis with an elderly relative?

If your work is paying for rooms for attendees, it's because they know it is not reasonable to ask people to commute for the day. Go ahead and take advantage of it; even if your husband works for the same employer as you he is not in your exact situation and he has to leave decisions like this about your job to you, just as you have presumably left his job details to him all this time. It;s great that he never has to go away overnight, but different people have different circumstances and different jobs have different requirements. His inability to understand that suggests a kind of immature, inflexible outlook which may become a real hassle for you if he can't control it - and the other likely possibility, that he's manipulating you by calling you "selfish" knowing that that may make you feel (undeservedly) guilty, is even worse!!

Additionally, he has to be able to take care of his own children for none night; what would happen if you were very ill or got into an accident or had an (extended) family emergency out of town? He should already have mastered this ability years ago - this is a great opportunity for him to do so now! Also, going back to work is a great time to shift to his doing his fair share of the mutual household and childcare responsibilities; you may find you need to be very explicit splitting them up if you have been doing almost everything and he's been enabling that. However you split things up (and it may not be 50/50 depending on working hours, commute time, and who has other responsibilities outside of the household) you should each end up with roughly the same amount of leisure time.

Yikes. I’d be going to the hotel and accidentally dropping my phone down the loo when I get there and enjoying the peace.

He’s had 6 years to work this out, selfish idiot.

How dare he accuse you of being selfish when you’ve been a SAHM for 6 years!
He’s the one being selfish.
As a compromise you could consider leaving after her bedtime so you can breastfeed her, then he can give her a bottle overnight if she needs it. Only if it works out time wise though.

He’s the selfish one if he can’t even support your return to work. There’s absolutely no way my DH would say this. He’s just got used to you doing it all and he needs to step up. Your DD will be fine. It’s literally one night. I’m incredulous that he can’t parent for one night

He’s being selfish.

He can parent his child and you enjoy your hotel night!!

usually about 7.30/8 but it can take a while tbh. last night she was still awake at nearly 9 and she was up a couple of times after that.

I could technically leave after she’s asleep but then I’d still be driving for 2 hours late at night and not getting there until about 11

Hope you've got a bank account with a 'GO' fund stashed away. It's going to be needed at some point.

You're not being selfish, it's one night. He just can't be arsed with looking after the children. My DH would have been the same, thankfully he got better with age.

I left DD at 10 months old to go on a work mission abroad as I was the only one who spoke the lanuguage. DH was fine looking after his own daughter. She cried a bit at bedtime but after all he is her father. If he can't handle it, then he is of no use to the family.

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Jesus wept. You've done everything for your DC for 6 years while he worked in his important man job. But you going away for a single night and he calls you selfish? I would be incoherent with rage if I got called selfish after doing everything for 6 years

Clearly he needs far, far more practice looking after his own children because he's acting like an incompetent twat.

Correct.

She’s still breastfed but she’ll take a bottle and she’s fine with dh during the day. She is a bit of a nightmare at bedtime though and she’s very attached to me. dh says he doesn’t see why I need to put her through a night of screaming just because I want to go to a work meeting.

He means why put him through a night of screaming. Go, go in decent time to enjoy a night in the hotel, maybe dinner with your new colleagues and let him figure it out the way you’ve had to with 3 children.

And then plan regular nights away from home, let him parent his own children. What an arse of a man.