Returning to work after 6 years — dh says I shouldn’t stay overnight

[TheDoom]

I’ve just started my first job in 6 years after being a sahm and I’ve got a meeting coming up which means I’d need to stay overnight. dh thinks I should tell them I can’t do it because of dd and has called me selfish for even considering it.

The meeting starts at 8am and it’s about 2 hours away so if I don’t stay I’d have to leave at about 4.30am. Work have booked rooms for people who need them and tbh I think it makes much more sense for me to stay than get up in the middle of the night and drive there half asleep.

The problem is dd is 19 months and I’ve never spent a night away from her. She’s still breastfed but she’ll take a bottle and she’s fine with dh during the day. She is a bit of a nightmare at bedtime though and she’s very attached to me. dh says he doesn’t see why I need to put her through a night of screaming just because I want to go to a work meeting.

I do feel guilty about it, obviously. I’ve been at home for 6 years and before this I’ve basically done everything with the kids. ds1 is 6, ds2 is 4 and then dd. I did school/nursery stuff, appointments, meals, laundry etc while dh worked. He earns more than I did so it worked for us and I wasn’t sitting at home resenting him or anything.

But now I’ve got this job and I actually want to do well at it. This is the first proper thing I’ve done work wise since having the kids and I don’t really want to start off by saying I can’t stay overnight because my toddler might not settle for dh.

dh keeps saying I’m being selfish and that if I cared about dd I’d just drive down at 4.30. I think one night should be manageable for him even if bedtime is shit. It’s not like I’m leaving her for a week.

Would you stay overnight or am I being unreasonable?

He should be embarrassed. He now does more and that includes parenting his own child. He can learn what works for him.

Your DH is a total arsehole. He should be supporting you. What kind of dad can’t manage his own child for one night.

Wow. You are not being selfish. What a nasty lie for him to tangle your mind up in. Go for the night and enjoy it. Enjoy dinner out and sleeping well. You’ve had years at home without the prestige of a job, it’s wearing. Don’t believe his manipulation!

It is this isnt it. He is trying emotional manipulation to control you and stifle your career.

Be firm. Stop discussing it. If he cannot manage one night of solo parenting he needs more alone time with dd, not less. And he should be embarrassed.

You've done everything for 6 years!

He can't even manage 1 overnight.

Don't even think of compromising with this incredibly selfish man.

You'll need that salary even more if his behaviour continues.

What I used to do when DD was a toddler, was to get her to bed then travel to the meeting location late evening that way it didn’t disrupt DDs bedtime and I got to travel during the quieter part of the day. I’d arrive at the hotel, get settled, have a decent sleep and be able to start the meetings fresh the next day. DH would sort out any wake ups and the morning. He’d do it without whinging because he knew that he was a parent too, it was his role as much as it was mine and that it would balance out over time when he wanted to go somewhere and I’d take all the wake ups and the morning stuff.

When is this meeting op? If it's not for a couple of weeks he's got plenty of time to practice bed time hasn't he?

Based on your husband alone I’d be staying away.
Get him practising from tonight.

Let’s consider that you are selfish? Ok, so what? Now what? Oh I see what he means is it’s going to be tough on him..

It’s very selfish of him. Even though your dd is more attached to you I’m sure on occasion you’ve had tough nights with her and couldn’t settle her. So now he gets a turn. When is the meeting? Is there any way he can practice settling her now so he gets better at it?

Why should she? The child has a dad and he should be well capable of looking after his own child for a night.
OP needs to do this both for her career and for her DD to become less dependent on her.
Time for that dad to step up.

This has nothing to do with work, really. Both parents should be able to do bed times and night feeds. A SAHM isn't on call 24/7, evening and weekends should be shared. I agree it's unfair on the baby if dh is doing this for the first time when you are away overnight, you should both be working on this for a while so it's not a big deal.

Tbf I did pretty much anything to avoid a work overnight when my kids were little and would get up at stupid o’clock to avoid it every time (plus you don’t REALLY need to leave at 4.30am for an 8am start).
But I would very strongly object to being told I was selfish if I did need to stay before.

Ahh ha ha ha ha ha! Your DH is the selfish one, too lazy to take on the difficult role of parenting a crying baby at bedtime. Trying to make it all about you and centering the baby’s needs when it’s absolutely his needs he is putting first.

Your DD will be fine, it’s one night.

no he doesn’t really do overnight work. his work is mostly local so he’s home every night, although he has done the odd late one.

the meeting is in just over 2 weeks so there is time for him to get used to it.

I don’t want to make out like he’s incapable because he’s not, I just normally do it so it’s become the default. I suppose he does need to get on with it now I’m working again.

and yes if this is going to be part of the job I don’t think I can just say no to every overnight thing.

Putting aside the question of whether you really need to leave as early as all that (and whilst a 2 hour drive is something I'd think nothing of doing twice in a day, I appreciate that everyone is different in this regard...)

It does not make you selfish to spend a night away for the sake of your work. It is something that many parents do all the time with no one criticising them. There are also many parents who go away for the night, or for several nights, for holidays and trips with friends. A parent does not automatically need to prove their love and devotion to their family by being physically present every single night without fail - not if there is a suitable plan for looking after any children in their absence.

Your DH should be able to handle it. If he finds the thought of handling it stressful, he should say this directly. Calling you 'selfish' is in my view a really awful move on his part - it paints you as a monster for taking your work seriously and suggests you aren't allowed to have any life or time away (because if this is how your DH responds to a night away for work, I can't imagine he would respond well to you having a night away for any other reason!).

The most generous interpretation here is that your DH is under-confident and panicking (but it's still a dick move to call you selfish). The least generous is that he is misogynistic and controlling.

By the time my DD was 2, my DH had looked after her solo for a week on two separate occasions whilst I went on work trips and for several other nights whilst I went out with friends. Meanwhile I had also looked after DD by myself several times whilst he did things with friends and for a week whilst he went on a separate holiday. Sometimes now one of us will be knackered and stressed at work and will ask for an 'evening off' to catch up on work jobs or to recover and chill whilst the other does all the kid stuff. I'm not saying our marriage and our approach are perfect at all but it does illustrate I hope that genuine teamwork should be possible!

When the kids were showing preference for one parent over the other we both found that it was much easier if the favoured parent just wasn’t an option. Get him to have a trial run at it and just go for a walk or to a friends house for an hour.

Don’t let him undermine your job. You are hardly likely to be on top form setting off at 4.30am and will miss informal bonding plus mark card as awkward.
Him not being able to care for his own children overnight is appalling. What if you were in hospital.

Maybe show him this @TheDoom and how mean to suggest you’d stay home if you cared.

Op. You need to consider what kind of a relationship you have when you have done 2190 bedtimes, then the other parent has to do his 1st one, calls you selfish for expecting him to…then you second guess yourself whether he’s right or not. I mean, come on, wtaf.

it Would have been a difficult night for all 3 of us if I had to leave my breastfed 19 month old. Part of that though was that we didn’t know it at the time, but she was undiagnosed ASD.

I am going to recommend you go to the work meeting and make sure you travel early enough that you get a full nights sleep. Don’t wait until after bedtime. Your husband and daughter will manage one night.

Your return to work is important. It requires the entire family to pitch in. You don’t just need to be present. You need to be at the top of your game. You have been supporting your husband to work and be successful at work for many years. It is his turn to do this for you.

I left my breastfed dd overnight for 2 nights to attend a funeral, for the first time just before age 3. She has arfid and asd so me leaving was more of an issue than the norm. She was fine. She was happy to see me, but not upset at all. Her father, my husband, was exhausted, but he also had a new level of appreciation for how hard my parenting role had been.

Excellent plan. The next two weeks he does bedtimes to get used to it.

@TheDoom "dh says he doesn’t see why I need to put her through a night of screaming just because I want to go to a work meeting."

No - he doesn't see why he should put up with a night of screaming. He's not thinking about his daughter and he's not thinking about you. A 2 hour drive at that time of the morning in the dark to an unfamiliar place and when you're undoubtedly stressed about the new job, is a very bad idea. Any loving and caring husband would be thinking about your safety. The only thing he cares about is himself and a bit of minor inconvenience. Quite frankly he's fucking disgusting.

Great news for you then op if he’s just out of practice but you’re saying he’s a good guy. Off to a spa or friends or solo mini break you go then so that he can get to a stage when his own children aren’t crying that he’s the one putting him to bed.

It's fair enough to want a discussion around overnight meetings if they are an unexpected amd frequent part of your job. A one-off he is being unreasonable. It says a lot about what he thinks of his own parenting ability to be unable to handle this.