Returning to work after 6 years — dh says I shouldn’t stay overnight

[TheDoom]

I’ve just started my first job in 6 years after being a sahm and I’ve got a meeting coming up which means I’d need to stay overnight. dh thinks I should tell them I can’t do it because of dd and has called me selfish for even considering it.

The meeting starts at 8am and it’s about 2 hours away so if I don’t stay I’d have to leave at about 4.30am. Work have booked rooms for people who need them and tbh I think it makes much more sense for me to stay than get up in the middle of the night and drive there half asleep.

The problem is dd is 19 months and I’ve never spent a night away from her. She’s still breastfed but she’ll take a bottle and she’s fine with dh during the day. She is a bit of a nightmare at bedtime though and she’s very attached to me. dh says he doesn’t see why I need to put her through a night of screaming just because I want to go to a work meeting.

I do feel guilty about it, obviously. I’ve been at home for 6 years and before this I’ve basically done everything with the kids. ds1 is 6, ds2 is 4 and then dd. I did school/nursery stuff, appointments, meals, laundry etc while dh worked. He earns more than I did so it worked for us and I wasn’t sitting at home resenting him or anything.

But now I’ve got this job and I actually want to do well at it. This is the first proper thing I’ve done work wise since having the kids and I don’t really want to start off by saying I can’t stay overnight because my toddler might not settle for dh.

dh keeps saying I’m being selfish and that if I cared about dd I’d just drive down at 4.30. I think one night should be manageable for him even if bedtime is shit. It’s not like I’m leaving her for a week.

Would you stay overnight or am I being unreasonable?

He’s being selfish!

Your DH is being selfish. I'd be wondering if he actually wants you to regain some independence or if he just wants to be an obstacle to hold you back.

A competent, loving, caring parent should have no problem holding down the fort when the other is unavailable.

Seriously?! You married an asshole. DH says I should....DH says I should...WTF do YOU say?

I have a 19 month old....this wouldn't even be a conversation.

Oh my goodness me, that you have even typed that out as if any of it is normal is utterly insane.

is your husband (absolutely no idea why you think he’s ‘d’) not completely embarrassed that he is unable to parent his own child?!?

does he consider himself selfish if he has to leave his child with the other parent for a work meeting?

that the two of you had this discussion without you laughing in his face at how pathetic he is is staggering.

obviously go overnight. Obviously keep this job and your career, and do some very hard thinking about why on earth you have been tolerating him.

Absolutely agree with this!

Why would you have to leave at 4.30 for an 8am meeting 2 hours away? 5.45am leaving would still give you 15 mins grace.

Aside from that, you should totally go overnight. And enjoy a full night's unbroken sleep. When your DH says you don't care about DD, he actually means he can't be arsed to do what you do every night. He needs to be able to parent his own children and this would be a perfect opportunity to practise as it sounds like he needs the practise. He might have to do things differently to you but that's ok.

When I went back to work and dc1 was 12 months, I did the occasional night shift. The 1st one, she wouldn't take any milk at bedtime, so DH made her some really milky Weetabix and she was happy. Did he phone me to ask me what to do? No, he told me what he did when I got home in the morning.

"DH thinks I shouldn't put her through a night of screaming because I want to go to a work meeting" Does your DH know anything about work and that it's not a case of "wanting" to go to a meeting?

He's being ridiculous, selfish and unreasonable.

At best, this is just part of the adjustment process while you settle back into working and what that means for the family.

You need to be really clear with him that life has now changed and he will have to pull his weight at home. Don't be one of those women who works full time and then has to do everything at home too.

If he cares about you and respects you, he'll accept that and get used to the new normal pretty quickly. Which means pulling his weight.

Your husband is being unreasonable. Sounds like he might be jealous of your newfound freedom and your daughter is the only thing he can control you with.

Definitely go overnight and let him parent his daughter. Book a spa before you leave the hotel.

I'd also make sure he apologises for saying those things.

Does your DH stay overnight for work?

in any case you neee to sort out what is viable for you and he just needs to get on board.

if you are going to work you need to do what’s required. Would he tell work he can’t do something due to his children or home life?

Please please don't tell us he hasn't done bedtime and night wakes with his children!?

And he cannot parent because…?

You need to establish right now that your career and your work matter AND that he is also the dcs’ parent. It should not all be up to you.

the 4.30 is because I wanted to get there with a bit of time before it starts, park etc and it’s not a route I know particularly well. you’re probably right that 5.45 would technically be enough, I just don’t like the idea of turning up with no time at all if there is traffic.

and yes I think that’s probably what’s getting to me about it. he can do bedtime, he just doesn’t normally have to when I’m here. I know it’ll probably be different with him and I’m not expecting him to do it exactly how I do it.

Of course it's not selfish! Why can't he look after his own child? Why does he think childcare can only be done by you? In fact, go and spend a night with a friend, so that he can get some practice.

Tell him to get fucked

My DS was breastfed to sleep and at night... But I had my first night away when he was 15 months... And he was fine (or my husband didn't tell me otherwise). You are not selfish... If he is so worried about it maybe you shpuld go out in the next week or so and he can do bedtime alone etc... But he should be able to cope! My son breastfed at night till he was 2...but if I was not around he was OK

I absolutely knew that this would be the only post you would respond to. You have lost sight of a normal equal relationship op. I hope you realise before your children learn from this and thinks it’s normal that women are slaves to men.

Sorry... Realised I didn't really answer... You should go... Stay in the hotel.. Enjoy dinner and a good night's sleep which clearly you had in a while!

This. Exactly this.

I’m actually astounded that some posters say you should compromise and put the baby to bed first before you leave.

Men up and down the country need to go away for work quite often and I bet not one of them has been called selfish for going to work to provide for the household.

The only correct way to deal with this is to carry on regardless because whatever you do this time will set the precedent for future times.

Either that or LTB.

2nd post nails it. He cant be arsed to support your career.

Bleeding Nora he's being selfish & pathetic

thank god you have a job OP- one day I think you might need it..

every day I dispare of the shit women put up with
who tf doe she think he is calling you selfish
stupid man baby

tell him it will be a good opportunity to learn

Agreed.

Your husband is selfish and controlling. Based on his behaviors that you describe, you absolutely should do whatever you need to do to keep and succeed in this job.

When do you go? That means he has that many nights to sort it. Sounds like this won't be the only overnight so he needs to get practising from tonight.

Oh and to balance his increased load, you'll do everything HE does whilst you're doing bed normally 😉