Returning to work after 6 years — dh says I shouldn’t stay overnight

[TheDoom]

I’ve just started my first job in 6 years after being a sahm and I’ve got a meeting coming up which means I’d need to stay overnight. dh thinks I should tell them I can’t do it because of dd and has called me selfish for even considering it.

The meeting starts at 8am and it’s about 2 hours away so if I don’t stay I’d have to leave at about 4.30am. Work have booked rooms for people who need them and tbh I think it makes much more sense for me to stay than get up in the middle of the night and drive there half asleep.

The problem is dd is 19 months and I’ve never spent a night away from her. She’s still breastfed but she’ll take a bottle and she’s fine with dh during the day. She is a bit of a nightmare at bedtime though and she’s very attached to me. dh says he doesn’t see why I need to put her through a night of screaming just because I want to go to a work meeting.

I do feel guilty about it, obviously. I’ve been at home for 6 years and before this I’ve basically done everything with the kids. ds1 is 6, ds2 is 4 and then dd. I did school/nursery stuff, appointments, meals, laundry etc while dh worked. He earns more than I did so it worked for us and I wasn’t sitting at home resenting him or anything.

But now I’ve got this job and I actually want to do well at it. This is the first proper thing I’ve done work wise since having the kids and I don’t really want to start off by saying I can’t stay overnight because my toddler might not settle for dh.

dh keeps saying I’m being selfish and that if I cared about dd I’d just drive down at 4.30. I think one night should be manageable for him even if bedtime is shit. It’s not like I’m leaving her for a week.

Would you stay overnight or am I being unreasonable?

You aren't the one being selfish. He's trying to guilt trip you being saying if you cared about DD you wouldn't go. DD is only 19 months. A change in routine will upset her but I do think it is important DC are settled with both parents for the times one parent isn't available.

Going away for work is fine and is a small sacrifice in a new job to succeed. I've just done a week in the US (although my DC are 4 and 9). My DH survived and was fine. Was it rubbish to be away yes but needed to be able to progress at work. A small term pain is worth the long term gain.

Your DH is being shortsighted. You have 2 primary age kids and a baby. It’s coming up to virus season. You need to build up as much goodwill as you can with your work colleagues, to make up for the inevitable child sickness days you’re going to have to take. Not to mention the Christmas productions etc that you might want to try and get leave for.

Working mums have to try twice as hard to look half as good. It’s a good idea to put the hours in now, so you can reap the benefits in the future.

your DH needs to get used to the fact that you work and that it is important.
Your DD needs to see you as a good role model as a mum, wife and employee.

Sometimes you give priority to your DD, sometimes to your work, sometimes to your DH. You have to strike a balance.

Do the overnight - that is usually a great networking opportunity, crucial in a new job.

Your husband is a selfish dickhead. He doesn't want to you meeting and socialising with new colleagues in a hotel. Terrifed that you will realise he is not quite the prince you married. Also he can't be bothered with his own child. The bar is in the dirt

There is only one person being selfish in this relationship, and it's not you.

The particular day aside, why does he never do bedtime for your dc ?

Jesus fucking Christ, how is this even a discussion? You NEED to go away for work but even if it were a WANT to get away for a night or two with friends or family, it should be entirely possible and unremarkable. Not only is he pathetic that he can't cope for one night, he has the nerve to call you selfish. I despair, I really do.

This.

if hes making so much drama out of one night he clearly needs more practice. Time to get yourself an evening hobby 2 nights / week.

This

This.

id tell him he’s pointless as a father if he can’t manage one night alone with his kids.

When my DS was 1year old I went on a work trip to New York for one week ! DH encouraged me and managed absolutely fine. Your DH is so selfish , he cannot handle one night so you can have a good rest and be fresh for the meeting ?

Different perspective and it’s not about your husband not wanting to or willing to do bedtime. I can’t do overnights at work and have to miss out on team meetings that are distance because I do school / nursery drop off in the morning as my husband leaves for work at 5am. If he was to do drop off he would need to take half days annual leave. We don’t have enough annual leave as it is to cover school holidays so can’t do this. Therefore I do always have to say no.

he picks ups while I work later. If I can leave later and come back the same day whatever that time I can make it work but I have to do drop offs.

This.

This I think my head would have blown off like Hades.

He does realise this is his child as much as yours yeah?

I would suggest that for the foreseeable future he puts DD to bed so that they both can build their relationship so that she wont scream when you are away

Completely agree! I’m sorry but this really isn’t a good look at all. She’s seeing his true colours coming through as she’s working towards independence.

Do you have many friends op? Is he difficult when you go out with them?

edited to add: Also how are you not furious? You seem alittle to relaxed in the responses.

Maybe I’m hot headed but I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. It just seems like he’s both sabotaging your new role - because if you drive at 4:30 you will be tiered and not top of your game and making you feel guilty for wanting to stay away.

When I had to go away with work, DH managed our 5 children, school runs etc including with a baby! But he was always very involved from the start and did his fair share of bath & bedtimes. Your DH sounds like an arse.

Just tell him you're going and he'll have to cope for one night. Your baby will be fine. Tell him it's good practice and make sure he does bedtimes half the time so this situation doesn't arise again!

Nah, he can manage her for one night. He's being unsupportive.

He’ll be fine although I’ll just correct your maths - for an 8am meeting 2hrs away you need to leave at 6 not 430

whats the worst that can happen? He had a difficult couple of hours?

selfish man

Your dh is being a prick. Stay over. Not an issue .

He needs to suck it up, as DD will be fine. It’s one night and you know he wouldn’t hesitate if it was him needing to travel.

He’s being incredibly selfish.
It’s one night!

You’re not being selfish - he is.

sounds like he can’t be arsed to parent his child for one night. Not a very attractive trait

Your DH is being controlling because it suits him better for you to be at home servicing him, even if he doesn’t realise this. It is wrong of him to call you selfish.

Get dd used to the bottle (at this age she’ll suck a straw in a one-portion bottle of formula) so he can feed her and off you go.
Yes it’s hard to be away from them but one night is fine.