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Original poster

Am ok and then dh opens his mouth.... please, please help!!

77 replies

beansprout · 20/09/2005 11:51

I go back to work 2 weeks today and will be part-time. Ds will be 11 months and has a nursery place lined up. Dh is now making it v clear that he thinks that this will not be a good thing for ds and wants me to consider giving up work. A big part of me really wants to go back and be me again but I feel really awful (am crying now ) at the thought of doing anything that will be bad for ds.

I can't change it but how do I deal with it? What will make it easier for ds?

OP posts:
Toothache · 20/09/2005 11:53

It isn't necessarily a bad thing for your ds though! I think every parent returning to work feels guilty.... but you have waited until he is 11 months which is fab. I returned to work fulltime when ds was 4mths old as I was the mainbreadwinner and the mat pay stopped.

He loved Nursery and now at the age of 4 still loves it. Dd started at 6mths and loves it too.

gigglinggoblin · 20/09/2005 11:56

ds will love nursery. he will learn to get along with other kids, he will learn to be a bit independant for you, he will have loads of fun and you will appreciate the time you spend together more. its not bad for him, loads of kids go to nursery full time before his age and are perfectly fine. enjoy your new job (and your new freedom) and remember that a happy mum makes a happy baby. would dh consider going part time to look after him?

bonym · 20/09/2005 11:58

Agree with Toothache - dd1 went to nursery at 6.5 months (I went back to work 3 days a week), and although it was hard at first (more for me than her) - it didn't take long before she loved it. I think that being at nursery has done more good than harm - she was more than ready to start school, settled in well and has been consistently at the top of her class (she is 7 now). She is also a very sociable child and also very thoughtful and sharing. I put a huge amount of this down to her having been at nursery.

PollyLogos · 20/09/2005 11:58

How part time is part time?

I think you are both panicing at the moment. Try to calm down and at least try it. For what its worth I really regret that I didn't go back part time to just keep my hand in as it were.

My kids are much older and I am desperate to get back to work and finding it near impossible. My kids don't even remember all the years I spent at home with them really.

Redtartanlass · 20/09/2005 12:01

Have worked full-time since leaving school, DS1 (20yrs) has not suffered in any way. We have a close and loving relationship, he is a sociable and fun-loving lad who has a social life to die for, and has done his own washing and ironing since he was 12!

DS2 started nursery when he was 10weeks old and again has not suffered at all. In 20 years I NEVER EVER felt guilty about going to work. Why would I?

Am now 36 weeks pregnant and about to go on 6months maternity, have no idea what I?m going to do?will I still be me?

Most importantly as gigglinggoblin says happy mum, happy baby. Do what is right for YOU. Don?t let anyone force their opinion on you, you may go back to work and hate being away from your baby and decide to leave anyway.

Just do what is right for you.

Original poster
beansprout · 20/09/2005 12:02

I'll be at work 3 days a week. I think ds will benefit as he is happy, sociable and needs more than I am providing here but dh points to all the studies (inc. the one in The Guardian yesterday) that suggest they are affected by the separation.

I do think we are panicking a bit but atm the guilt is really getting to me. Not helped by someone making a negative comment about the nursery this morning so now I am really flustered.

OP posts:
Listmaker · 20/09/2005 12:07

If you can afford to give up work, then give up - a few years for your baby won't hurt. I had to go back to work as I was on my own but my Mum looked after my dds. Would never have put them in a nursery I'm afraid - but I know lots of kids that were in them and they seem fine. It's a personal thing and for me I'd have done anything to avoid it.

harpsichordcarrier · 20/09/2005 12:08

hi beansprout, remember that it is not a decision set in stone. you can always change your mind, if money allows (it sounds from your post like you culd manage financially and obv dh would be supportive) - why don't you give it until Christmas (or whenever) and see how it goes for both of you?

Toothache · 20/09/2005 12:09

Beansprout - Well you only have to speak to the thousands of working Mums on Mumsnet to see that the 'effects' of seperation aren't necessarily negative effects!

Redtartanlass · 20/09/2005 12:09

Beansrout soory about the language but Bcks to studies,statistics can be twisted to mean anything. The best thing you can do is what you're doing. Talking to real parents who can tell you the real pros and cons!!

Original poster
beansprout · 20/09/2005 12:09

Part of me feels like that too Listmaker but I simply cannot find a half decent childminder around here. Bah!

OP posts:
Toothache · 20/09/2005 12:11

whispers< Moved dd from childminder to nursery as I felt much more comfortable with lots of other people/children around....

runs and hides from childminders<

Beansprout - Its only a few hours 3 days a week. Your DH needs to put that into perspective I think!

Listmaker · 20/09/2005 12:13

I don't want to be contentious and I know this is a touchy subject for many. But I just feel that the best thing for a baby is to be with its mum. Now I know that just isn't always possible and if it would make you unhappy then it's worth reconsidering. And I have enjoyed my job but would still have given it up if I could have done. Babies in nurseries just doesn't seem right - a 2 year old of the right disposition maybe but not a baby. My dds are too shy and quiet to have enjoyed that kind of environment.

Why not give SAHMing a try as someone else suggested?

Original poster
beansprout · 20/09/2005 12:17

I can't give up work at the moment as we simply cannot afford it. Dh may be getting a pay rise in a few months but there is also the fact that I would have to pay back a year's worth of mat. pay to my employer which is just not possible. And I appreciate what you are saying Listmaker but as I said, I can't change this at the moment and was just asking for some help for both me and ds.

Thanks everyone for your support, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Redtartanlass · 20/09/2005 12:20

Toothache can you CAT me before I burst......tried to CAT you but can't get it to work.

tarantula · 20/09/2005 12:34

Yes it is a touchy subject LM and yes you are being contentious and baby and mum being together at home is NOT always the best thing either for mother baby or the family unit.

I think you ahve to do what you feel is best beansprout and I think you need to speak to your dh and ask EXACTLY what the problem is. what you want to do is also important and if it doesnt work out then as someone else said you can always change your mind later.

Toothache · 20/09/2005 12:35

CAT'd you oh tartan one!

Listmaker - Tarantula said it all really.

Redtartanlass · 20/09/2005 12:37

Oh thanks tarantula you put so much more diplomatically than I could. Thanks again, thought I was going to explode

Nik72 · 20/09/2005 12:38

Beansprout, if your dh is after research tell him about the study which found that nursery reduces a child's risk of leukaemia!!

tarantula · 20/09/2005 12:38

Thanks that was the 6th or poss 7th rewrite

Original poster
beansprout · 20/09/2005 12:39

Really Nik72?! What's that then?
(Although I am not going to try and outdo him on this one as he run's a children's charity and has access to a v large library!! All designed to make me feel worse of course!!!

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 20/09/2005 12:39

Beansprout, DS has been at nursery 2 days a week since he was 10 mths old (now 18mths)...he loves it and is a very sociable and outgoing boy with a more relaxed Mom because of it! It is hard at first (mainly for you!) but I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all.
I agree with Toothache, re: reasons for choosing Nursery over childminder, also I was new to area and had no-one I could ask about reputable childminders.

Redtartanlass · 20/09/2005 12:41

Toothache - I AM thick as mince but....where do I find it..the CAT I mean

Original poster
beansprout · 20/09/2005 12:43

Thanks LizzyLou and Toothache - really appreciate your nursery comments. Sometimes I feel I have to explain that I did try to get a childminder in the first instance, not sure why! I also like the checks and balances that come with a larger set up.

This is my first real dose of mummy-guilt. Am so grateful for you MNers that are helping me through it!!!

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 20/09/2005 12:43

If dh is worried can he cut down his hours and look after your son on the days you are working?

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