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Original poster

Am ok and then dh opens his mouth.... please, please help!!

77 replies

beansprout · 20/09/2005 11:51

I go back to work 2 weeks today and will be part-time. Ds will be 11 months and has a nursery place lined up. Dh is now making it v clear that he thinks that this will not be a good thing for ds and wants me to consider giving up work. A big part of me really wants to go back and be me again but I feel really awful (am crying now ) at the thought of doing anything that will be bad for ds.

I can't change it but how do I deal with it? What will make it easier for ds?

OP posts:
cheekymonkey257 · 20/09/2005 15:17

I am a first time mum to DS and I have been back at work for a month now and can't believe that i'm going to say this, but I actually enjoy it ! I spoilt my last two weeks of maternity leave by getting into a complete state about leaving DS in nursery for absolutely no reason as he settled in really well. The thought of it was worse than the doing. I work 3 days, DS goes to nursery for 2 and MIL (GRRRRRR) for 1 day. He is 6 months old and he is already coming on leaps and bounds.
Just think of the LUNCH HOUR you will get all to yourself

tarantula · 20/09/2005 15:19

I honestly thougth I was being very reasonable in my first post Listmaker. I really did spend a lot of time rewriting as didnt want to seem OTT or like I was atacking you but the statement about baby beign best off with its mum really did hurt and offend me alot particularly as it seemed to denigrate the parenting skills of fathers.
I was really surprised adn shocked to see that you felt it was a personal attack on you beccause I didnt want it to be that way. I jsut wanted to disagree with that statement because I do honestly think that most parents spend a great deal of time and effort finding the best way for them and their children.

Listmaker · 20/09/2005 15:26

I think Tarantula that's why I don't post very often - it's too easy to come across in a way you don't mean to. I am quite sure that everyone on here just wants the best for their kids I really do. I probably didn't mention fathers because my dds' father p*ssed off when my dds were 2 and 3 months old and has not seen them or paid a penny since so I tend to forget their contribution in other households .

Sorry I over-reacted to your post. I am even more sorry if I hurt you. I certainly realise that life isn't all black and white and I was VERY lucky that I did go back to work and that I had my Mum's help. I fully realise how fortunate I am believe me!

Anyway I now work 5 days a week but only til 3.30pm (both my dds are now at school) and good old mum will have met them and I'm off to get home and get the tea!

Blimey never thought I'd get in a row on MN!!

Toothache · 20/09/2005 15:30

Listmaker - I find you insulting, presumtious and down right rude!!!!!! This was not a thread that invited a horrible arguement about SAHM v WOHM!! You decided to throw in comments that by your own admission were contentious.

From your reaction to tarantulas post (perfectly reasonable and calm I think) and the fact I merely agreed with her shows me you were all ready to pounce on the defensive!!!

You post was completely inappropriate on a thread where a woman has to return to work and merely wanted MN'ers to help give her the confidence to do that without falling apart!

No amount of scaremongering will force a woman to become a SAHM, especially when their financial security depends upon it!

There, doesn't really say what I want to say.... but I'm not reducing myself to "ooo get over yourself" comments.

Toothache · 20/09/2005 15:33

Oops, posts crossed!

Sorry but if you start a post off with
"I don't want to be contentious and I know this is a touchy subject for many. But...." xan you honestly say that you didn't expect to get into an arguement about it?

Its like me saying "I don't like to bitch but.... " right before I start bitching about someone!

tarantula · 20/09/2005 15:34

Yeah I know hawt you mean thats why I tend to rereaad my posts loads before I press post. Never thoguth Id get into a row on MN either I tend to try and keep out of them in general. Never thoguth Id get upset either (well I do sometimes but tend not to post much about it)

Whew glad we cleared that one up

Waht we need now is a group hug so that cod can come in and go 'gah'

oliveoil · 20/09/2005 15:34

Bit over the top there Toothy, she has apologised for any hurt she may have caused. And if I start a thread I want as many opinions as poss, not just ones that say what I want.

Deep breaths all round please!

Toothache · 20/09/2005 15:35

OO - My post crossed with hers though!!!! Thats why I posted right after it!

Lizzylou · 20/09/2005 15:37

Gosh, that was harsh Toothache! Listmaker has admitted she maybe worded things incorrectly...I honestly didn't see her as being deliberately inflammatory or rude.

Lizzylou · 20/09/2005 15:37

Sorry, Toothache, just seen other post, must remember to type faster!

Toothache · 20/09/2005 15:38

Once again I will point out that my post was directed at her earlier posts! By the time I had finished typing my post there were all these developments!!!!!!

Jeeeees. Thats what I get for taking 10 mins to type.

Lizzylou · 20/09/2005 15:39

I know the feeling, I've just seen your other post....

oliveoil · 20/09/2005 15:40

Now if you were a super sec like moi, you would not have these problems.

xxxxx

Toothache · 20/09/2005 15:45

TBH I've just read through it again.... and I don't think my post was that harsh. I didn't say anything to Listmaker..... I was dragged into the "get over yourself" comment.

Lizzylou · 20/09/2005 15:46

Ah well, alls well that ends well........

Listmaker · 20/09/2005 16:03

Home now....can I creep back in briefly?! Think all the furore has been dealt with during my journey home and we're all friends now..........well kind of! SORRY again Toothache!

I will definitely stick to talking about Corrie and nit combs from now on - subjects I'm (sadly!!) far better qualified in!!

chloe55 · 20/09/2005 16:11

Can I just say (I have a habit of coming across arguments on MN but never post in them for fear of getting shouted at!) how lovely it is to see a thread beginning to get out of hand and then all of those involved having the decency to apologise to each other. I sometimes post, then read it back and think God that could sooo be took the wrong way without me realising! Anyway just had to add that. (Could have been anothe New Orleans!)

I hope everything works out for you Beansprout I will be the otherway round once my little one is born. I would like to stay at home but DH is panicking that we can't afford for me to do that

motherinferior · 20/09/2005 16:20

Beansprout. Darling. I only just realised this was your post. Look, that was one study. I am just trying to track down others that look at the benefits that being in childcare can also have.

I think he is being utterly unreasonable, and panicking, and putting pressure on you at a very difficult time. I know it's easy for me to say this, as I actually found being at home with a tiny baby incredibly stressful, but I do think that you, and your lovely son, will be fine. I can think of some lovely kids - Bundle's and Pamina3's to start with - who have adored nursery and done really well from it. He'll get all sorts of things there that he wouldn't at home - frankly, by a year they're going to groups and stuff anyway if you're with them. Just look forward to a balance which many of us really enjoy: work which does as you say enable you to be 'you', and time with your fabulous child.

Listmaker · 20/09/2005 16:22

That's a nice post Chloe. Thanks!

bonym · 20/09/2005 16:43

To add to my previous post (right at the beginning of this thread!) - I will not be going back to work after having dd2 because I have decided to be a SAHM.

However - this is my choice, not dd2's , and part of me can't help thinking that she might miss out a bit by not going to nursery, as I have seen what an excellent effect it has had on dd1.

So - please, please. please don't worry beansprout - I honestly believe that your ds will benefit from being in nursery, and also that both of you will have the best of both worlds (as you will have 4 days at home with him and 3 in work).

hoxtonchick · 20/09/2005 17:01

oi, mi, what about my ds ???

i'm sure you ds will be fine beansprout, good luck.

batters · 20/09/2005 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toothache · 21/09/2005 09:09

Another point. Even when I was at home on Mat Leave after dd was born.... ds(3 at the time) still went to Nursery 2 days a week because it was alot more interesting, stimulating and fun that than being stuck at home with me and a new born baby!

If I had had the ability or the inclination to never return to work and become a SAHM I most certainly would have out dd and ds into Nursery at least 1 day a week, but probably 2 if we could afford it. They get so much more stimulation and socialisation at Nursery! I'm just not bouncy and creative enough to keep 2 small kids mentally stimulated all day..... so it would either be Nursery.... or Videos at home!

Good luck Beansprout. I hope this thread has helped you relax about your need to return to work.

bundle · 21/09/2005 10:06

beansprout, my two girls (now 5 and 2) have both gone to nursery for 2 then 3 days a week, when I returned to work, when they were 8 months old. they are - as MI indicated - charming, confident, unstressed children, who relish going to nursery (and dd1 now in yr 1 at school is happy there too). I wouldn't have done anything any differently. B***ks to people like Steve Biddulph/Oliver James who damn nursery settings, in favour of childminders, nannies etc who "mirror" the home experience in a smaller setting. At a year old an infant will probably show raised cortisol levels when you leave the room to go for a wee/tell them No when they're killing the cat, ffs. Was there a control group, where children with a childminder had their stress measured? I never wanted to send my girls to a CM, but did get a list/saw a few just to go over the options...I never saw one who inspired the kind of confidence which eg MI has in her CM. Please don't give up on your own ambitions...my Me Time is important to my whole family (happy mum = happy children, IMO)

Listmaker, there are "shy" children at my dd's nursery and they have truly blossomed there. Yes, they're still shy, but they radiate an inner confidence now that they're settled (this obviously has to be done properly)

bundle · 21/09/2005 10:07

toothache, we too kept our days at nursery when dd2 arrived, and thank god we did (despite being financially crippled )

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