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Original poster

Am ok and then dh opens his mouth.... please, please help!!

77 replies

beansprout · 20/09/2005 11:51

I go back to work 2 weeks today and will be part-time. Ds will be 11 months and has a nursery place lined up. Dh is now making it v clear that he thinks that this will not be a good thing for ds and wants me to consider giving up work. A big part of me really wants to go back and be me again but I feel really awful (am crying now ) at the thought of doing anything that will be bad for ds.

I can't change it but how do I deal with it? What will make it easier for ds?

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 20/09/2005 12:45

If the answer to that is no then I think he is being very unfair in asking you to do the same. Extremely unfair in fact and I would be livid with him, I'm afraid.

Original poster
beansprout · 20/09/2005 12:45

Scummymummy - I agree in principle, (and I think he would too) but he really is the main breadwinner, plus he has two other children to support and so we really can't affort that option. Fair point though.

OP posts:
Nik72 · 20/09/2005 12:46

It was in the news a couple of months ago - I think the paper was in the British Medical Journal but not 100% sure I'm afraid.

My dd has just started nursery at 6 months and I read that Guardian thing and had a bit of a Bad Mummy moment...but she seems happy and I'm enjoying being back at work. You can't do anything these days without some bloody study saying it's bad or carcinogenic or whatever!

Lizzylou · 20/09/2005 12:46

"checks and balances"...my exact reason for choosing nursery!
DS's nursery is fab and the staff really love him, he loves going and gets his shoes ready (even on non-nursery days!)and coat on ready...he skips out of the door! They encourage parental feedback and participation and we went on a summer trip as well, it really is a bright and happy place and I know my Ds is well cared for and stimulated.

Toothache · 20/09/2005 13:02

lol Redtartanlass - The mumsnet team send an email to the address you registered with!

ScummyMummy · 20/09/2005 13:13

Would he if salaries were equal though? Hypothetical and hard to answer but I know lots of men who wouldn't want to (which is absolutely fair enough) but still want and ask their partners to do so. There's an element of controllingness in that which makes me cross. Not saying that's the case for you guys though. But it does seem a little unfair of your dh to ask this of you if it's well established that you are looking forward to going back and that as a family you could use the money.

On your original point- I do think ds will be absolutely fine. There's bound to be transitional hiccups as he gets used to the new routine but once he knows the staff and settles in he'll have a lovely time, I'm sure. Will you be able to stay with him for the first couple of sessions so you can get a sense of what his day will be like and help him get to know the place?

Original poster
beansprout · 20/09/2005 13:21

Scummymummy - I think that if the salaries were equal, it could well be an option. As it is, he earns twice my salary (even if I worked full time!) so we are a long way from that. I am wary of a double standard operating though - "our child needs this, so you should....." type of thing.

I will be with ds for as long as he needs me for the first five sessions ("settling in week") and he then starts properly the week afterwards. Whenever I see him with other children he has a ball so I do think he will be ok, it's just the inital wrench for both of us that upsets me.

OP posts:
Misspiggy · 20/09/2005 13:29

If you can't change the fact that you need to go back to work then your DH needs to start giving you the support that you need and not introducing even more doubts into your mind than you probably have already. I went back to work through financial neccessity after having both DS1 and DS2 who are now 15 and 9 yrs and they show no ill effects from this. They are both outgoing, confident and deal well with new experiences/situations such as changing schools when we moved. I know it is hard to leave your child but try and look at the "positives". Good luck. x

Listmaker · 20/09/2005 13:46

Tarantula and Toothache - get over yourselves - just because I'm not saying what you want to hear! Everyone is entitled to their opinion and that is mine! I don't have a go at people who choose nurseries - each to their own. So don't get mad at me for saying what I think (in I think a reasonable way). Guilty consciences poerhaps??

ssd · 20/09/2005 13:50

listmaker, you could be mumtosomeone about 2 weeks ago! Exact same arguement with almost the same people started up as mumtosomeone said she thought babies and toddlers should be at home with mum if poss as that is the best place for them when really young. And God she was hounded out of here for her views,even when she said she knew not everyone on MN felt like that! I don't think she'll come back after the slaughtering she took.

Frizbe · 20/09/2005 13:51

Oh beansprout, poor you, {{{Hugs}}} Hope dh becomes more supportive soon. Personally I wish I'd have ignored dh and gone back to work, even if only for a year or two, as we thought we could manage on one wage (dh has his own business) thus (I quit work and started my own co! something I can do with dd in tow!) but then, horror of horrors dh's business had the worst year on record.....pants.....as it is we're now scraping by, luckily my hard work has paid off and my business is now picking up, but I'm pregnant again, and will no maternity opportunity this time, or my business will fail! and luckily dh's work is picking up again....I guess my point is unforseen things can happen and I think its always good to have your own thing to do too, hope this makes sense?

Redtartanlass · 20/09/2005 13:51

Tarantula...I can feel my blood pressure rising at a very fast speed, not good at 36 weeks preg. Can you do the honours again..... I do not have you and toothaches control.....

Listmaker · 20/09/2005 13:53

Don't worry I don't care enough to get into an argument about it. You have to do what's best for you and that's all you can do. I'm a live and let live kinda gal!

I'm leaving this thread to you stroppy people!! Life's too short to argue the toss with a bunch of strangers on a website - get a life people!!!

oliveoil · 20/09/2005 14:00

Oooooooooooooooh touchy Listmaker, calm down dear, it's only a thread.

Now personally I think that babies are better off in the home, but most of the time that isn't feasible (not in mine anyway) so you make the best of it. I am lucky in that my mil does the childcare, if not it would have been nursery for me as well.

It will be fine Beansprout, you will end up loving work (even if like me you cry for the first week) and your ds will love nursery.

xx

tarantula · 20/09/2005 14:02

Get over myself How dare you!!! I thoguth my comment was very reasonable and fair compared with what I could have saidd. Maybe you think that Mummy and baby ahve to be together for everything to be good but they dont Father and baby can work jsut as well or baby in nursery. you are one very sad individual if you can only see your way in life as the best way. It isnt by any means and making stupid comments like you have jsut made doesnt make your opinion any better.

tarantula · 20/09/2005 14:06

and no I dont feel in the least bit guilty about leaving my dd with one of the two people who love her more than anyone else. Not do I feel guilty about bringing in the money taht keeps a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs. My partner was made redundant when dd was 6 months and if I had given up my job then we would have ended up homeless and on the dole prob in temp accomadation somewhere Not you will agree the best start in life that a child could have. Not the worse by any means but cartainly not the best.

speedymama · 20/09/2005 14:15

My twin boys are now 18 months old and I went back to work part-time for 3 days a week when they were 7 months old. They go to nursery and I would not change a thing. They are contented, sociable little chaps and I look forward to doing more challenging work. They are happy, I'm happy and DH is happy. Do what is right for you and not what other people tell you to do.

berolina · 20/09/2005 14:47

Listmaker - I don't think it's your opinion as such that's the problem, it's partly the way you put it, and partly (I think) putting it at all in such a sensitive situation. It's no good saying 'each to their own' and then making a sweeping statement such as 'the best thing for a baby [any baby!] is to be with its mum' and 'babies in nurseries doesn't seem right'. And saying 'Guilty consciences perhaps' strikes me, I'm sorry, as rather nasty.
Incidentally, I had to return to work 2 weeks ago as am the only breadwinner (ds is 4 months) and would rather be a sahm, and am very glad that dh is at home with ds and I can work from home a lot of the time, as I PERSONALLY would not want to put ds in a nursery yet. But that is my PERSONAL feeling. I would never tell anyone else it 'doesn't seem right'. Dh was in a nursery from a very young age indeed and has grown into an absolutely secure and delightful adult.

beetle73 · 20/09/2005 14:56

What a reassuring thread. My DD is likely to start nursery in Nov, aged 15 months, and this thread has calmed some of my anxieties.

Listmaker · 20/09/2005 14:56

You're quite right Berolina and very nicely put too! I should have made it clearer that those were my PERSONAL opinions and if you knew me in RL you'd know I am the last person to lecture anyone on their choices as I have made more than my fair share of crap ones!

I do not at all think my way is the best and I know everything. Not at all! I realise I have been extremely lucky to have a job that I enjoy and a brilliant, amazing mother to help me out.

I really want to say that beansprout should do what she thinks is best and that whatever decision she makes is not irreversible anyway. I am quite sure her ds will be fine and happy as anything whatever she decides.

Sorry for upsetting people by badly expressing myself (am at work and having to rush my posts in between working - what a nightmare!!). I really do think people should do what they want. I just am very glad my dds didn't have to go to a nuersery but totally understand those that chose that route. Also sorry for getting stroppy. I was trying to be reasonable in my first posts and then felt I was under attack for no reason and people were warning me I may be hounded out of mumsnet!!

Anyway I really HAVE to work now. Good luck beansprout with going back to work. It's not so bad once you get used to it. I'm sure your ds will thrive.

Lizzylou · 20/09/2005 14:58

Listmaker

oliveoil · 20/09/2005 15:00

I did agree with you and didn't get shouted at, maybe it is because you are new? You will be called a troll next!

xxxx

Listmaker · 20/09/2005 15:01

I'm not new!! Just not a hugely prolific poster! Prefer reading to posting - wonder why !!

oliveoil · 20/09/2005 15:02

Troll.

xx

Lizzylou · 20/09/2005 15:03

I didn't take offence Listmaker, each to their own, a mantra which should be repeated oft by many on MN!!!