My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

It's okay if the kids find it challenging. But we are talking about an adult who is deliberately refusing to comply with what a child is asking for.

Maybe it is a phase, maybe it is because they don't feel girly and what is female is too narrow, who knows? But resisting it is going to make it so much harder for this child.

I went to school with a boy who insisted on being called a colour. From Reception up to year 6 every single child and teacher called him by this colour. Nobody batted an eyelid. The kids certainly didn't care. As an adult it seems absolutely wild but we were not bothered as kids.

Being kind is not about delivering every demand that is made without thinking about the consequences.

If this child is being referred to as ‘they’, the other children will want to know why

How can you say it's a delusion?
What proof do you have?
Throughout history there have been countless examples of people who are non-binary

But why should there be an expectation that the adult ‘comply’ without considering the wider implications of this compliance?

Maybe it is a phase, maybe it is because they don't feel girly and what is female is too narrow, who knows?
This is exactly the problem. You are also teaching the other girls that they are not actually girls if they don't feel girly. How about teaching children that they can be whoever they want to and they do not need to conform to stereotypes? This would be a much better message.

Where is Sam?

They are over there.

If people make a big deal over this, then a stubborn child (and adult) will dig in and be more determined.

"I'll call them they/them, but if I forget, then its not on purpose" Its not hard.

My DD asked at 14 to be called by a boys name. Teachers went along with it bar both secondary heads. They laughed if they got it wrong and she had a healthy respect for both of them.
I remember one maths teacher misgendering her and she complained. He rang me and was obviously scared sh*tless for his job. We had her arse on a plate for doing that, little madam.
Now our daughter is out the other side she agrees there's no such thing as a trans child.
I would just use the shortened name and avoid the pronoun.

And the OP can tell them - "this child has asked to be referred to as xyz"

It's not difficult.

Before you say "what if all the other kids want it etc" then their parents can put in a request, which surely most parents won't do unless it's true. Why people think they care more about this child's wellbeing than the parents is beyond me.

It's bigotry dressed as concern.

What do you mean by non-binary?

Non-binary in terms of their sex? No one is non-binary. Even the most complex DSDs are one sex or the other.

Non-binary in terms of gender stereotypes? Surely pretty much everyone is non-binary on that score. Does anyone completely align with every single gender stereotype that exists? I doubt it?

So what does this child actually mean?

I’m gender critical but I also have no objections to people identifying with whatever they want.

Thanks for the link @Shessweetbutapsycho why don't you click on it.* *

@GoldenSandy
I have two degrees in History, in my studies I never came across anyone who was self identified as non binary or seemed to present in that way. Can you offer me a source for your assertion about the historical existence of people who didn't think they were male or female please?

No one is non binary, it’s not a thing.

But what would be the rationale for agreeing to calm this child what they want to be referred to, but not another child?

Since when do we give children everything they ask for?

Alex doesn't feel like a girl / boy at the moment - so they are they.

The bigger deal this is made also makes it harder for the child (or adult) to reverse their decisions.

"I'm non binary" - OK, did you want a cup of tea?
"I'm no longer non binary" - OK, did you want sugar in your tea?

"I'm non binary" - no you're not, that's stupid and against biology
"I'm no longer non binary" - told you it was stupid and against biology

I went to school with a boy who insisted on being called a colour. From Reception up to year 6 every single child and teacher called him by this colour. Nobody batted an eyelid. The kids certainly didn't care. As an adult it seems absolutely wild but we were not bothered as kids.

Child has nickname, shocker.
The shortening of the kid's name was never the problem.

The request to refer to the child as if you've forgotten what sex she is, and find a way all the adults agree on to explain this to classmates, and to make sure safeguarding rules are still complied with where these are sex based, and other kids' and teachers' boundaries are respected. That is the tricky bit.

Can they not teach them that anyway?
If it's all a conspiracy, and kids don't understand the spectrum of what is a girl, then surely teachers have done a crap job.
Teach them that, respect what's being asked. If the child then has a revelation that actually they just didn't feel girly, then great, if not, then at least you've educated them enough that they can make an informed decision.

My understanding is non-binary is more than just not feeling girly. I think it runs much deeper.

Every body has a sex (even people with DSDs - Disorders of Sexual Development).

Pretending your neither a man or a woman is fine for adults if that's what floats their boat - as long as they respect the sex based conventions of changing rooms etc. However children should never be deliberately misled about their sex. That's abusive and this child is only 9 - her body will grow and develop into a woman and it's critical that she's encouraged to be comfortable with that.
Plenty of time for her to make these choices when she's an adult.

One of the biggest issues with the whole thing is that we see sex or at the very least what we perceive as the sex of the person. So what happens with this girl out of the school environment? A stranger refers to her as a girl - will she constantly be upset because she cannot control what others see and say. It’s just not that simple especially when we are talking about a nine year old.

I would use her name and try to avoid pronouns completely. It will sound a bit strange I expect but at least if other children ask, 'why do you always say Alex', you can truthfully reply, Because it is Alex's name. On the other hand, they/them is a perfectly correct English usage for either sex so it's not a massive deal to use it. If children ask you can tell them exactly that, sometimes we use they/them when speaking about people/things. Some people like it. No need to provide some kind of ideological based reply.
I think binary is the new attention seeking phase unfortunately. There is always something with young people. What's unfortunate these days is that parents seem to be too involved in it. Let young people have their rebellion moments without parents making a political/ideological thing out of it and elevating it to something it's not. For most children they will grow out of it.
But in this case is it really Alex who wants the attention or Alex's parents. This for me is the core of the issue.

I don’t always “feel” feminine when I’m mucking out a stable or mending my wall.

I just feel like myself.

I still AM a woman though. No getting away from it.

You know full well whether you gave birth to a baby boy or a baby girl.

Quite. ‘Gender critical’ is precisely about wanting to ‘expand the bandwidth’ for both sexes, of breaking down the culturally enforced constraints of gender but without denying the inescapable reality of sex.
The child is a girl, she will grow up to be a woman. She absolutely doesn’t have to be ‘girly’.