My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

There most certainly is an ‘abuse of power’ and it’s by those adults who should be grounding this child in material reality and helping her to cope with that. Not feeding a delusion.

Well done for challenging this op, you're brave considering the amount of deluded fruit loops willing to wave this through as ‘kindness’ rather than damaging insidious nonsense. I would say contact your Union for advice but they’re all captured too. 😕 The best you can do is keep within the KCSIE guidelines whilst holding your own integrity as much as possible.

It sounds like the child is probably doing what adults have told her to do.

Just don't call them they/them if you don't want to. I doubt you'd get fired for referring to their bio sex but to their face you should avoid mentioning that if possible I suppose.

Does it really affect your life so much to just try?
My eldest is non-binary, a recent announcement and I don’t always say the right thing but I acknowledge and correct myself (or stand corrected!!)
They don’t feel feminine or like a she
They dont feel masculine or like a he
They are just being THEMselves

The parents seem to want to convert their daughter into a no body, that's what should be banned.
'Trans' is the conversation therapy or in this case QT batshittery, gender loons should be banned.

The poster used they/ their to refer to a plural object, which is correct, long recognised use of those pronouns. Using those pronouns to refer to an individual who believes (incorrectly) that they cannot be categorised as either male or female is incorrect.

Forcing staff and pupils to use incorrect language causes cognitive dissonance, and being required to accept gender ideology as fact is confusing and distressing for these primary aged pupils.

I assume this is because you are not patient-facing? I do work directly with patients and so do my best to use their preferred pronouns - not because I believe in the ideology but because it makes me less likely to get it wrong in front of them and I think that would negatively impact their experience and our rapport.

It has introduced the child to the idea (which will be understood as a fact) that they do not have a sex. That a female non-binary child is not actually a girl or a male non-binary child is not actually a boy.

When the child starts to go through puberty this could very well be distressing, especially if they don't feel they have yet had time to "choose" whether they want to be a boy or a girl or have already "realised" that they are in fact the opposite sex.

It will all be very wishy-washy because sex will have been replaced with gender. The child will have already been introduced to the quantum-esque baffling concept that sex and gender identity are not the same thing whilst also that they are the same thing when it comes to aligning your body with your gender if this differs from your "sex assigned at birth". It's a complete word salad. It's confusing enough for adults but children will interpret it very simply: I am non-binary and when I'm ready, I can choose what sex I want to be then take whatever steps I want to make my body match that sex. Or I can stay non-binary forever and chop off any body parts that don't match this when I'm older if I want.

In other words, starting a child on a journey of social transition away from their biological sex is an affirmation pathway that is highly likely to become locked in to the child's understanding of themselves if they never understand that biological sex is real and unchangeable.

I can't believe what adults will justify when it comes to how they treat a child

I agree, but that would be the idiotic parents who lied to their child and told them they could be neither male or female, and then demand the rest of the world play along with their ridiculous lie, setting the child up to be ostracised.

Like others I would go back to the SLT for guidance on how this works with the new provisions in KCSIE.

The other area I would request clarification is whether this requirement applies all the children in the class and if so what impact assessment was done on the potential impact on ND children and children who are not native English speakers who may find the situation confusing or more challenging to comply with. There certainly should be no sanctions against a child for not complying after all an older child might even have the protected belief that sex is immutable.

Lots of excellent comments upthread about how this is emotional abuse of a 9 year old far too young to navigate these complex adult beliefs.

OP - try to raise the issues as general issues rather than focus on the child - it's tricky but otherwise you can be accused of failing to follow management instructions. This child has enough problems without being at the centre of arguments between adults.

I'm linking a piece by a clinical psychologist about the psychological damage that happens to a child when the adults around them lie about who they really are. It's written about primary children who're told they're really the opposite sex but most of it would apply to a child with adults who pretend a child is neither a boy or girl. Telling lies to young children about something so profound as what sex they are is unforgivable.

https://www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

"I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name)."

This seems the most sensible approach - as others have said it seems so unnatural referring to someone as "they" when you know it's only one person. Surely you can't ignore correct grammar altogether. If anything it's singling the child out / emphasising that they are "different" having to refer to them in this way.
Seems over the top to suggest that what you are doing is abuse of the child!
Sympathies OP - not an easy situation.

I think you’ll find most kids don’t find this confusing and will happily accept pronouns. It’s adults such as yourself who are struggling. As a pp had said, by all means go out of your way to make a point of referring to the child as she instead of they if this makes you happy (or you’re too confused…), but just know it’s at the expense of a child’s feelings.

I used to get terribly confused about "they". Are we talking about a son, a daughter, or twins? If twins, what sex are they each? How do you fill out referral forms?- are they trying to refer one person or two? Crazy!

“They” as a singular pronoun isn’t new: “someone has left their coat in the classroom, they are going to be cold when they go outside”.
Why do people continue not to get this? Or are they just pretending not to?
'they' is for when you don't know which individual you're talking about (as in this example) and so don't know their sex.

The child will likely grow out of this phase, she is probably gay. Just use their name if you feel awkward saying they/them. 'It' is gender neutral.

Really agree with this @ChapmanFarm

Why? This is so unnecessarily cruel. It would be like asking your kids to deliberately use the wrong name. Imagine if a parent in their class told their child to call your child a random name and your kid really didn't like it. Would you be happy with that?

So like every human on the planet then

I would rather risk hurting one child’s feelings than teach the whole class that non-binary is scientific fact and that the only way they can feel safe in this world is to get everyone around them to pander to their whims. Both concepts are dangerous ones to introduce to children imo.

Children will accept anything, that is the problem. That is why they need guidance and is the very reason we have schools. Should we provide two chairs at each desk so "they" can sit down?

Have you read the thread? It has been explained many times why this is not a simple name change.

Surely there's a middle course, where you don't teach anything about non-binary but just agree to be kind to the child in question.

But what happens when others in the class ask why Alex is a 'they'?
Are the other children going to be asked (or told) to comply?

It seems like a simple request but it opens a can of worms.