My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

"You'll be expected to respect children's pronouns in any school."

This really isn't the case any more. Fortunately now, courts understand that different beliefs need to be balanced equally.

On a slight tangent, but professional behaviour is not limited to legally recognised categories.

There's a whole raft of NHS guidance on the appropriate use of language, like "patient", "service user", we "manage" conditions and "offer" treatments to people, phrases such as "diabetics should be managed with medication" are now seen as inappropriate, etc. None of this is dependant on legally protected characteristics.

There is no such thing as a “trans” kid. Neither is there such a thing as an NB kid.

Can you provide some evidence for your wild claim that
“Lots of teacher are homophobic, racist and misogynistic.“?

OP, you're making a big deal out of something that really isn't. I know people get so angry about this issue but it's REALLY common for girls that age to start thinking about and questioning their identity. My DD identified as a boy at that age, used a boy's name, changed her pronouns. A fair few of her friends did too. Her teachers were fine about it and - headline - her peer group weren't in the least 'confused' by it.

Fast forward to now, she's a teenager, identifies as a girl but isn't straight, and uses a nickname version of her birth name that has nothing to do with gender identity but is all about reflecting who she feels she has become as a person.

It wasn't a big deal then, it wasn't in the intervening years, and it isn't now. I supported my child as they went through the really hard bit of figuring out who they are in a world that's SO angry, that STILL wants to shove people in rigid boxes, and where she faces regular verbal abuse for not looking like a pretty little long-haired girl who only likes boys.

And THAT's what we should be worried about. The sexism, the misogyny, the toxic masculinity and how that impacts boys and girls, the homophobia that's on a scale I haven't seen since the 80s. Not little kids working out who they are.

I mean, what does it actually cost you to use the child's pronouns of choice?

It cost me nothing. But what it gave me was priceless - it brought me closer to my DD, and it gave me insight into the realities of life for children and teenagers today. Surely as someone who works with kids you'd like that too?

Just seen that TPA's post about the OP probably enjoying the thought of hurting the child [by not using any pronouns] has been reported and removed for breaking MN guidelines. I can see why it did!

That's a huge shame though IMO as it was great to have an example of just how far things can go if a parent genuinely starts to believe that someone is harming their child by not explicitly affirming their declared gender identity through active use of preferred pronouns.

The contrast between the OP's carefully considered approach that is both KCSIE-aligned and sensitive to how the child might feel and TPA's accusation was stark. That has now gone from this thread.

However, @TransParentlyAnnoyed I hope it gives you food for thought on whether it's sensible for parents to let their child believe that an adult wishes to hurt them if they don't actively use their preferred pronouns. A child will trust their parent that this is indeed harmful. Given pronoun avoidance is fully in line with KCSIE in recognising that a) social transition is not a neutral act and b) that caution should be applied regarding social transition (especially in primary school), it is arguably incredibly dangerous for a parent to do so. Especially so if that parent has not secured neutral medical advice** that supports any such transition.

** Neutral advice means medical support that considers all the reasons why a child may believe themselves to be misaligned with their sex/gender, including autism and how it leads to puberty distress re sensory issues etc. For primary school children this may be as simple as unpicking whether they understand that non-adherence to sex-based stereotypes does not impact their status as a boy or a girl.

Did you not notice that this poster says, 'an abuse of power (by the head teacher)?' (my bold).

You’re asking others to say things they don’t believe. Including children. It’s particularly unfair on the latter.

The latest IPSOS poll shows that while the majority of people are actually very tolerant of different beliefs, most of us don't actually subscribe to trans ideology.

Despite what trans activists claim, nobody has to pretend to believe in gender ideology, any more than we have to pretend to subscribe to any other beliefs.

More people believe in star signs in the UK than in gender ideology. The fact that most teachers don't believe in gender doesn't mean they can't be good teachers.

It's outrageous to suggest that a teacher having a different belief to a child will 'hurt, humiliate or horribly upset them'.

https://www.ipsos.com/en/ipsos-pride-report-2026
'Where we continue to find diverging views is on transgender access to single-sex facilities, healthcare provision and participation in sport.'

Ipsos' annual global report shows steady support for LGB people, strong support for anti discrimination and declining support for gender ideology being elevated over any other beliefs.

Marking this thread for future internet archaeologists as an excellent example of people who are the product of Hackings Looping effect out in the wild ⛳️

Also complete slaves to #neuromyths

It's plain abuse of position.

Racism is a thing a lot of people believe.

Believing something is no excuse for abuse.

Nope, your eldest is not non-binary, because that is complete fantasy.

Most people believe in biological facts TPA.

Are you saying they are wrong to do so?

Nb kids are already vulnerable because they're different

They arent differently they've just been lied to by their parents. If you want to lie to your child, that's one thing, but you dont get to force everyone else to do the same. Its the parents job to examine why they put their child in such a distressing situation in the first place

Thank you twitter algorithm for bringing me this:

Don't talk daft. It wouldn't meet the threshold for a start! I used to work for a 'position of trust' team for the LADO who was chair.

Goodness me that is quite the statement. “Lots of teachers are homophobic, racist and misogynistic”

For arguments sake and on such a beautiful sunny Friday are you able to quantify “lots” or is it just great big swathes of the profession.

Are these awful teachers all of the ghastly things you mention or are there separate groups of homophobic teachers and other groups of racist teachers and yet another group of misogynistic teachers.

Maybe you could utilise a pie chart as an aid to illustrating your empirical research.

In my honest opinion and clearly the opinion of many psychologists and psychiatrists, we are severely fucking up this generation of kids, via this pathologisation of personality and marketing of identity.

They are supposed to support, respect and show kindness to children. Anyone who doesn't is in the wrong profession.

No they're supposed to educate children, they're supposed to teach them reading, writing and arithmetic, and teach them other knowledge that will help them grow up well balanced and adjusted, not to mention smart, that's why they're called Teachers.

So true. Why does it matter if people don’t believe your “identity” is the correct one? It’s not up to you what other people do. I don’t like my sex being worn as a costume by misogynistic men or being defined as an uncomplicated set of stereotypes by confused teenagers. But what they believe isn’t up to me. What I believe, and choose to accept and not accept, is.

Yep, it is. Abuse of power.

And a disciplinary offence.

You’re asking too much of children. They know someone is a boy or girl. You’d be better off not demanding they lie about that.

Try not to be angry about it, but think about what you’re asking of other young children.