My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

If a child chooses a nickname for fun eg "red" I think that's quite different from adults supporting a child to believe that it's possible for males to be girls etc

And yet we teach them (at great length) all about the magical man in the sky…

And yet we teach them (at great length) all about the magical man in the sky…

People who can't stay quiet when something is wrong and don't have a sense of personal responsibility should..... not be teachers? Are you sure?

A 9 year old deciding they are ‘non binary’ has come from adults around or socially media.

A 9 year old should understand that

a) they are their biological and that won’t change and
b) there is no right way to be male or female in this world. However they want to present, what their interests are - has no bearing on their sex. They are perfect exactly as they are.

and the needs of all the other children in the class, and school in general????

Most people are not on board with religion being taught as anything other than a belief system.

I’m not sure why this would justify anything?

Just use their name and don’t indulge in all the other ridiculous nonsense.

choosing to speak out about something they believe to be wrong and taking the consequences for doing so is not the same as being unable to stop themselves.

I don't agree at all. Whistleblowers at every level, in every occupation, have had important roles to play in uncovering corruption, malpractice and rotten cultures. If you are a trained teacher, or other professional, why should you have to attempt to change careers because of this? It has been difficult to avoid in many other types of workplace, anyhow.

I think one of the difficulties that op will have here is being expected to police what pronouns other children use. Did the Head give guidance re that? If child is sad everyday for being referred to as ‘she’ by peers are you expected to explain to peers why that is wrong/ give consequences?

How do I know if I feel masculine or feminine?
If I want to sit and do some knitting is that because I am feeling feminine? Is the urge to restore a vintage motorbike because I am feeling masculine? If I want to do both does that make me non-binary and should everyone be calling me they/them whether I like it or not?

I’m just me. But I do have a sexed body. Like every single person that has ever existed.

And what does your daughter find so abhorrent about being female? I’d probably worry about that rather than whether I’ve used correct sex pronouns.

this is not whistleblowing

It is a type of whistleblowing to report on a damaging and corrupted culture. -which is what this is.

Surely if you're a teacher you've read the updated kcsie advice?!

Yes it is. A whistleblower is someone who exposes unethical or harmful practices in the workplace.

I think you are completely missing the point.

In (non faith) schools pupils are taught 'Some people believe ....' they are not taught the beliefs as fact and neither do the pupils have to participate in pretending they believe the same as others.

This is totally the opposite of the gender stuff when pupils have been taught until recently in some schools that if Tim now says he is a girl, then he is a girl and can get changed with the girls etc.

Miss miss I am Spider-Man
look at me hanging from the curtain rail…

now children, Alex is spiderman today so we won’t mind him hanging from the curtain rail while we all work and if he throws sticky stuff over you that is just being spiderman

miss miss, I am a cat
I need a poo can you put a litter tray in the corner of the classroom…

At what point do you recognise that children have imagination and can play act what is not real and at what point do you tell them to sit down and do their maths?

You need to make sure before you use words like her/she, that you aren't going to find yourself in trouble. I understand it's something that you don't believe in, and you don't have to

It's hugely stressful to do the mental gymnastics required to change your language to suit one person in a large group. It requires part of your brain to always be on alert. It's simply not doable for some people every second of every day, to fight against their natural flow of language. It's mentally wearing and detracts from the actual job in hand. Nobody should be finding themselves in trouble for it.

This seems seriously messed up, an adult and a parent tip toeing around their own child, fearful of saying something wrong!!! 🤯

You acknowledge and correct myself, because of a child's demands!!!! 🤯🤯

OP has already said she’s uncomfortable with it.

OP shouldn’t be made to play along with a child (or anyone else’s) belief that she doesn’t believe with.

What if another 9 year old child in her class starts believing they’re the King and want to be referred to as “His Majesty”.

Should she have to do that?

Get real.

Just call them what they want. You don't want to get in trouble at work, and it can be very upsetting for the kid.