My work insisting I refer to a 9 year old as they/them

[TheMadGardener]

I work in a British primary school. Just started new term. Long standing pupil, a girl, is starting Year 5 now so she is 9 years old. No issues until now although parents are quite "alternative/new age."

Headteacher has informed staff that according to the child and her parents this girl has decided to be non-binary. Staff are now to refer to her as they/them and she is now using a gender-neutral shortened version of her name (think Alex instead of Alexandra or Jo instead of Joanna).

I am extremely uncomfortable with this and will definitely not be using they/them - I will be referring to the child by her chosen abbreviation to avoid using pronouns (at least it's a shortening of her real name rather than a made-up name).

Serious question: I thought new legislation discouraged schools from getting on board with this sort of thing? Or is it only they can't let children do it without parents knowing?

I'm finding it very hard to keep my mouth shut on my actual opinions in the presence of headteacher. (Colleagues I've spoken to on the quiet all think it is bullshit too)

There are changes to KCSIE this year surrounding this.

I agree with you OP and would do the same.

"Alex doesn't feel like a girl / boy at the moment - so they are they."

This isn't a good answer. Why should they "feel like" a girl or a boy? What does that feel like? Please explain without reference to stereotypes, primary teachers have a duty to not reinforce stereotypes. Are you telling any other child in the class who's sitting there thinking "I just feel like myself" that they should be referred to by different pronouns too?

It's not a 'very minor request', though, is it?

Minimising the implications of agreeing with a child that there can be more than two sexes, and of enforcing gender stereotypes - the crackers result of 'non binary' - is harmful in so many ways. Telling young girls that if they don't care for dolls, boys and make-up they might not actually be girls is horrendous misogyny and has the potential to do great harm, physically and emotionally.

What's 'very minor' about that?

It's impossible to 'misgender a child'.

Children are male or female, just like everyone else.

I’m so pleased I retired before this nonsense gained the momentum it has as I would have been in trouble every day, I have no issue referring to someone as Jo for example or even some stupid made up name if that’s what they want, nor do I care how they dress or what their sexual orientation is but I do absolutely draw the line at referring to someone as they

@TheKeatingFive a bot?

Tell me you've only been on MN for precisely five minutes without telling me you've only been on MN for five minutes 😂

So if they wang on a superman costume and believe they can fly you'd support that belief all the way...or might there be boundaries for their well being?

What a weird comment.

Call me what you like.😂

I know exactly what I am. You can call me a bot to your hearts content, it doesn’t change that

But it is not the same. It is more like a christian child asking the teacher to say a prayer at the beginning of the lesson. The child is asking the teacher to modify what they say and also to implicitly teach the other children that the child can decide how the teacher expresses herself. No.

What a weird comment.

Call me what you like.😂

I know exactly what I am. You can call me a bot to your hearts content, it doesn’t change that

Sorry don’t know why that came up twice

@Goatinthegarden · Today 07:41

at 9 (and younger) I can assure you that they can!
oh edit I lost the quote. It was the one about nine year olds not knowing if they liked chips or wanted beans or spsghetti for tea.

Disability is a protected characteristic, Race is a protected characteristic, Religion is a protected characteristic, Gender Critical beliefs are protected beliefs under the Equality Act.

Do you know what isn’t protected by the Equality Act? Gender Identity. Furthermore in the Castellucci case the Court of Appeal expressly stated that the formulation of the Gender Recognition Act means non-binary DOES NOT exist as a legal concept in the U.K.

So explain to me how it is acceptable for a school to impose a requirement relating to a non legal concept that may interact negatively with legally protected characteristics without a full impact assessment of that potential impact.

You can’t do something to be kind to one child if you then create an unkindness to other children and potentially indirectly discriminate against them. Be kind applies equally to all children and doesn’t trump legal obligations.

The problem is that once you start employing some of the methodology then it validates the rest of the methodology - including the bits you don't approve of.

It also sets an example to young minds that this thing is real and has validity and in my view this is a very irresponsibile thing to do, especially for an adult with such authority. It impacts not just upon the child in question, but on the other children too.

just refer to the child as Alex or Jo or whatever and avoid any pronoun use

then move on with your life and just leave the school/parents to it

I can't comment on children, but in the NHS there are two relevant requirements. One is that you have to call patients by their chosen names/titles and the second is that your own beliefs must not impinge on patient interaction.....so yes you may avoid pronouns but if Patricia wants to be called Patrick then you must call them Patrick regardless of your own beliefs. Breezily saying you can't do it cuts no ice.

I think we have to fight it all. One chink and the rest comes through.

What are you talking about!? Why would a non binary child need two chairs?

For some people, though, personal responsibility is a big deal. Some people cannot sit back and participate in something they know to be wrong or severely misguided. If i was in a school ( I no longer teach) that was facilitating this I know I'd not be able to pretend it was not happening. I'd have to raise concerns at some level, with someone.

then they should take other jobs.

And that’s because you are an adult, Bot, not a 9 yr old child talking to someone with power over them.
As an adult you have built your self confidence and someone choosing not not respect your choice will have little impact. A 9 year old having an authority figure repeatedly show they do not respect how they feel could have significant consequences. This is not about meeting the teacher’s needs, it’s about the child’s current needs.

I think it’s fine.

I don’t think any of the other kids would pick up on this - I often say they/them not even intentionally and she’s just using a shortened version of her name.

(we were asked to use he/him and use a completely different name for a girl in my class which was very challenging).

I would discourage her from talking about it amongst her classmates but what she talks about in the playground is up to her.

I would be very, very surprised if a 9yo cared if you slipped up and said her. And I think it’s something that will just likely die out on its own.