Help! Son (13) with severely mental health issues thinks he is trans.

[Camille2906]

Please help me with my want-to-be-trans-child as I am more and more freaking out as his mother. As English is not my mother tongue, please excuse andy mistakes.

I am the mother of a nearly 14 year old boy who thinks he is transgender and wants to be a girl for one year now. Until now he has only socially transited outside of our home and any medication is not planned at all.

All of it started when he became suicidal and diagnosed with depression because of severe bullying at school. He is also profoundly gifted (IQ is 145), has diagnosed ADHD and probably some autistic traits (autism was ruled out). He has been quirky for his whole life and has never really fit in for the most of his life. We now that the idea of being transgender got introduced to him online (reddit, discord, roblox) where he was encouraged pretty much and praised for being trans. We have never affirmed him at all at home but we tell and show him everyday how much we love him as he is without insisting too much that we think all this transgender thing is nonsense and that he is still a boy. I still try to tell him my personal opinion quite often because I desperately hope, that this way, I will be louder than the trans activists. We also completely restricted his internet access since he came out and control what he is doing (he knows about it). So no more reddit, discord, anime, roblox and so on.

Since a week he is in a children- and youth psychiatric clinic for a stationary treatment as he is still suicidal despite all the therapies we did for the last 12 months. This was absolutely necessary.

But I am freaking out about the social transition. In his new school nearly everyone was absolutely fine with his wish to be called Luna and not Felix. And also in the clinic they respect this wish and call him Luna though he still has to be in a shared room with a boy and use the boys facilities. He bought himself some skirts from his pocket money but he doesn’t have them in the clinic. I explained to him that his time there is about healing and not about wearing skirts all the time because I am not there.

Because I am so scared of his future I told him what it really means to be a trans woman, about the surgeries, the lifelong medication and the risks and I even showed him videos of weirdo trans women fetishists. So now he doesn’t want to do anything medical anymore and changed from trans girl to demi boy and thinks he is gay (I’m fine with being gay!). That’s what he told me but I can’t believe him. He still doesn’t want to let go of this stupid girl name and tries to wear girl clothes whenever he can. Yesterday I visited him in the clinic and the girls made him his hair (he has long hair).

Sorry for the chaotic writing but my worries are eating me up more and more. The more I research about all this gender ideology the more I freak out.

His former therapist didn’t affirm him, also just the name thing…, and worked with the waiting approach. She told me that she thinks he has a huge identity crisis because he never fit in. Also she thinks that he is running away from the trauma of bullying in his old school by getting rid of this person and being someone else.

I am so lost. How should I go on with my son. I love him so much and I just can’t sit there and wait. So if anyone has some advice for me I would be quite happy.

Thank you for reading this long post!

This is emotional coercion.

Also I think it’s really out of order that genderists come onto these support posts and start sheing and hering when a mum is referring to her teenage son with comorbidities. It’s certainly not supportive in any way, it’s just myopic agenda pushing.

Seems like you worked out that “non binary” is meaningless. There are many reasons why you can’t “identify as something other than your biological sex” but the main one it’s that it’s not actually possible to live as the opposite sex, and you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of unrealistic expectations.

And so meaningless anyway because the thread is for @Camille2906 not her child.

The poster has a son not a daughter.

Your child is suicidal, and you are freaking out over a name??

I think it would be better to put aside your own views about what your son should be and try supporting him as he currently is. No harm will come from changing his name, wearing skirts or having girls braid his hair. If he isn't undergoing surgery or taking puberty blockers then he will develop a normal male body and if he later decides he isn't trans then, from your point of view, all will be well.

This isn't about you. It's your son's body and his life and if he is this disturbed and fragile mentally, it won't help trying to force/ persuade him he's wrong about being trans. You seem to be struggling badly yourself and I would think some therapy for you could well be beneficial.

You do understand that this is a suicidal child, right? And you seriously think making him write a thesis justifying his current belief that he is trans, for his own mother (who you might think would be a little more tolerant in the circumstances) is a good way to care for him at present?

I really wonder about some of the people who post on here.

By the way, for the OP, my trans daughter lives in Germany and gets her medication for free.

The threat that their child will commit suicide has been manipulatively used to shame parents who won't affirm for far too long.

'ACLU Attorney Confesses: Transgender-Suicide Claim is a Myth
Arguing before the Supreme Court, Chase Strangio concedes that suicide is “thankfully and admittedly rare” among transgender-identifying people.'
https://www.city-journal.org/article/aclu-attorney-confesses-transgender-suicide-claim-is-a-myth

You sound like a very loving caring Mum. I am honestly not sure if you should go along with your child's clothing wishes and his name wishes or not. Who knows - there are no guarantees to any of this! But it sounds as if he has some good support in the clinic.

And I think that downplaying the whole gender issue with him and trying not to spend time on it when you're together is probably a good strategy. What you are doing by giving your son opportunities to do things he enjoys that have nothing to do with gender sounds really positive. Have as much time together with him as you can that's enjoyable and where gender isn't a topic of conversation. I wouldn't even try to have deep conversations about his feelings. You could just be an ordinary Mum!

And do look after yourself as well. You know what they say - this is a marathon not a sprint. Who knows what decisions your son will make as he grows up or where this will take him. Whatevcer happens you need to stay mentally healthy to support him. It's natural for mums to feel guilty and question every parenting mistake we ever made but don't let your inner sense of guilt spoil things for you. Even if he did something crazy he'd still be your child and he would still need you.

I’m not following what you mean by “being so open minded”?

Ballet isn’t something that makes children think they’re the opposite sex. Mikhail Baryshnikov is around 165 cm in height had nothing on do with it. He is also heterosexual, as are many male ballet dancers

I feel for your situation

My son was suicidal but him wanting to be a girl had absolutely nothing to do with it. This is the reason why he has been in a clinic for 5 weeks now and will stay there for another few weeks. He still thinks that he sometimes feels sad but the doctors found out that this is not because he still has a depression but because he has ADHD and is profoundly gifted. Whenever he is bored or understimulated he interpretes his feelings as sadness because he doesn’t know how else to describe them. When ever his brain and body get enough food, he is like a completely normal teenager.
He hasn’t have anymore suicidal thoughts since he started in the clinic. The doctors think that he gets suicidal thoughts when he made a mistake or is ashamed and looks for a way out. Telling everyone about wanting suicide gets him away from any pressure immediately and that is why he uses this in those special situations and not at other times.

I had contact to a famous German gender critic professor and he thinks it is not that unproblematic to simply affirm children when they are in a difficult time. This could lead to the point that these children might wrongly learn that being in the wrong body might be the solution to all problems because the doctors also affirm them. When this strategy doesn’t work anymore in the next crisis the kids will fight for medication because they are simply not trans enough yet. And it will go on and on. This sounds very logic for me for kids like my son.

I think I can promise you that my son wouldn’t be trans if he would have been born 10nor 15 years earlier. He would have chosen to be emo or gothic or something like that.

When he was young I simply didn’t care about stereotypes at all with him. He wanted long hair? Fine, get it. He wanted a sparkling pullover? Fine, get it. He wanted to do ballet? Fine, do it.

Today I sometimes asked myself if I should have done anything different. But I just don’t know.

Absolutely, yes, to what your expert says. Thank goodness you found him.

You do understand the poster you're patronising here is herself a trans person and as such, probably has a better idea what of what she's talking about than you?

I really wonder about some of the people who post on here.

A trans person, who was both a "trans kid" and a suicidal teen, and who would absolutely have wanted the adults around me to confront me on the matter if I'd chosen to transition, to make me think very long and hard about it and understand exactly what it was I was getting myself into.

Am I saying that what would have worked on me will necessarily work on Camille's son? Hell no, hence why I said, "if it were me". But I don't see what would be wrong with trying.

For me there is something about "age appropriate" information. I don't know if it's helpful to confront a troubled 13 year old with horror stories that they're not really old enough to make sense of. People vary but confrontation drives many people deeper into a valued belief. Gently questioning can be better but parents are often not the best people to do that just because they're the parents and children sense when a parent's questions are emotionally loaded.

As for research, asking a 13 year old to delve into that information... neutral studies are often written in a very opqaue academic style and they depend on understanding specialist biology and statistics and scientific methods and language that's beyond most adults and surely beyond a 13 year old however clever and advanced he is. And where would he do this research? The net has some useful information but it is also full of all sorts of shite, some of it spouted by real live doctors in white coats. A 13 year old isn't equipped to deal with all that.

For me, protecting him from doing himself physical damage and helping him find other ways to express himself and enjoy himself while he matures mentally and emotionally, and letting him know that he is loved and valued - that may be the best that any parent can do. And that's what you are doing

Your communication about your child is a bit strange, it sounds like you're communicating more openly about this here that you are at home?

Nothing strange about that! You'll see the same thing in lots of MN threads about difficult personal issues. It's an anonymous forum and a good place to express feelings and explore ideas and alternatives.

And if the OP decides that she has overshared she can ask for the thread to be deleted anytime.