Help! Son (13) with severely mental health issues thinks he is trans.

[Camille2906]

Please help me with my want-to-be-trans-child as I am more and more freaking out as his mother. As English is not my mother tongue, please excuse andy mistakes.

I am the mother of a nearly 14 year old boy who thinks he is transgender and wants to be a girl for one year now. Until now he has only socially transited outside of our home and any medication is not planned at all.

All of it started when he became suicidal and diagnosed with depression because of severe bullying at school. He is also profoundly gifted (IQ is 145), has diagnosed ADHD and probably some autistic traits (autism was ruled out). He has been quirky for his whole life and has never really fit in for the most of his life. We now that the idea of being transgender got introduced to him online (reddit, discord, roblox) where he was encouraged pretty much and praised for being trans. We have never affirmed him at all at home but we tell and show him everyday how much we love him as he is without insisting too much that we think all this transgender thing is nonsense and that he is still a boy. I still try to tell him my personal opinion quite often because I desperately hope, that this way, I will be louder than the trans activists. We also completely restricted his internet access since he came out and control what he is doing (he knows about it). So no more reddit, discord, anime, roblox and so on.

Since a week he is in a children- and youth psychiatric clinic for a stationary treatment as he is still suicidal despite all the therapies we did for the last 12 months. This was absolutely necessary.

But I am freaking out about the social transition. In his new school nearly everyone was absolutely fine with his wish to be called Luna and not Felix. And also in the clinic they respect this wish and call him Luna though he still has to be in a shared room with a boy and use the boys facilities. He bought himself some skirts from his pocket money but he doesn’t have them in the clinic. I explained to him that his time there is about healing and not about wearing skirts all the time because I am not there.

Because I am so scared of his future I told him what it really means to be a trans woman, about the surgeries, the lifelong medication and the risks and I even showed him videos of weirdo trans women fetishists. So now he doesn’t want to do anything medical anymore and changed from trans girl to demi boy and thinks he is gay (I’m fine with being gay!). That’s what he told me but I can’t believe him. He still doesn’t want to let go of this stupid girl name and tries to wear girl clothes whenever he can. Yesterday I visited him in the clinic and the girls made him his hair (he has long hair).

Sorry for the chaotic writing but my worries are eating me up more and more. The more I research about all this gender ideology the more I freak out.

His former therapist didn’t affirm him, also just the name thing…, and worked with the waiting approach. She told me that she thinks he has a huge identity crisis because he never fit in. Also she thinks that he is running away from the trauma of bullying in his old school by getting rid of this person and being someone else.

I am so lost. How should I go on with my son. I love him so much and I just can’t sit there and wait. So if anyone has some advice for me I would be quite happy.

Thank you for reading this long post!

I am gender critical (as it’s called here). But I do have to raise the possibility that while the vast majority of gender confused children aren’t trans and that I don’t agree with transitioning children even socially as it’s more likely to entrench their confusion, some of these children do grow up and continue to feel this way and eventually transition.

From what you’ve written it sounds more like your son is a confused gay teen who enjoys femininity. The issue is for some reason this seems to be unacceptable in many circles and he “must” be trans.

I suppose what I am saying is I think you are doing the right things and I would keep doing them - emphasising he is male and will always be but that it’s ok to enjoy “feminine” things and be gay but try not to …I don’t know the real term but show yourself as “anti” (I know you aren’t) because it may fuel him.

Hello @Camille2906 I see you're getting plenty of good advice here. Another source of international support is Genspect https://genspect.org/ I couldn't see a specifically Geman branch but they have parent support meetings online so you should be able to join.

For help with how to talk to your son you might find Stephanie Winn's podcasts helpful. https://www.youtube.com/@sometherapist She has recent podcasts on why "trans" teens don't listen and why they tend to think in extremes and offers useful advice on how to support them and talk to them. She advises avoiding detranstioner stories as they don't usually have the effects that parents hope for. She does tend sell her services rather hard as a therapist(!) but I ignore the hard sell and just listen to the podcasts, which are free.

Does he like to be outside? When he comes home maybe you could slowly introduce the habit of walking in nature for a time each day. It’s so good for mental health and calming. Also away from screens and you can stop and look at little insects, animals etc.
My DC would always start to talk when we walked side by side. I could just listen. They didn’t always need a solution. Just a listening ear.
Sending you Mut und Kraft. Im in Switzerland and I know how careful you have to be. It’s also behind the Uk here.
There are some pockets of help. I will ask a friend who is German. She may know.
Your son is fortunate to have such a caring parent.

Just to make one thing clear.

I don’t have any problem with same-sex orientation and my son knows that.

When he told me that he didn’t want to be trans with all the medical things the things I told him, he also explained to me that he is now a demi boy because he still likes girl things (dresses, make-up, long hair…) and that he might be gay because he really likes a boy in his class. Before the new label he called himself a trans-femme lesbian because a few weeks before his outing he had his first “girlfriend” who broke up with him. Well, they never even kissed…

My answer of him liking a boy in his class was just, that this is totally fine and that time will show him, if the other boy might like him that way too.

Push too hard and your son will rebel against you and go looking for affirmation elsewhere. Ease up a bit. If his therapist says its ok you can ask him questions - like what made (make sure you use past tense) made him think he must be female and what makes him wish to harm his body? Tell him you want to understand his feelings and why this is important to him. Ask him if he has read any of the detransitioners stories. Explain you are concerned he may feel regret later but dont force the stories on him.

If you could find feminine gay men to talk to him about how they live and why they are not trans that might help. Maybe this?

Thank you so much! Even in I don‘t have any problems with the English language it felt strangely comforting to read some German words. But please everyone else from other countries - I apprecuate your anderes and help the same!!! It was just a short weird feeling for me.

He never really liked being out that much and me not either (runs in the family, I think…). But lately he went out very often as this is a strategy he learned from his therapist when the negative thoughts come around the corner again.

He even planted some vegetables lately and I really have to care for them while he is away. I’m sure I get huge problems when the plants are dead because of me 🙈.

And even if I don‘t like going out that much, I will try to implement nature walks several times a week as we have time. Maybe I should start them alone before he comes home, so I get used to them and don‘t find then any excuses.

You are absolutely right, that I have to calm down and, most importantly, get out of my own rabbit hole of extensive researching.

As he is now in the clinic, I only talk to the nice and daily stuff which happens at home. We both play and love music, and for the last few months even in the same orchestra. He always wants to know how the rehearsal went and if we played new pieces. I still call him by his birth name and I don’t bring all the clothes he wants to. This is my boundary. I want him to concentrate on his therapies and not on his clothes. That’s why I bring, what all the other kids bring, like t-shirts and jeans. Even the girls don’t bring dresses and skirts as practical clothes are asked by the clinic.

I think we might need a pause of the trans topic. Yes it hurts me, when I visit him and the carers call Luna that her mom is there to visit her. But I try more than hard to keep my mouth shut at the moment.

Later this afternoon I will visit him and as we have more than 30 degrees at the moment we will go eat another huge ice-cream and just talk about daily stuff. I will bring him the sheet music he asked for. He was allowed to bring his trombone and one male carer also plays an instrument. This is one of the carers my son really likes and they have a lot of fun in free times with their same hobby.

It sounds like you are banning him from skirts and dresses, but I don't think there is any harm in letting children wear the clothes they want. Boys can wear pretty pink dresses and tiaras, girls can wear tomboy jeans and flannel shirts. Making these things dependant on being female/forbidden to him because he is a boy may make being a girl seem more attractive, bit less.
Instead show him some good manly role models wearing femme clothes - David Beckham looks great in a skirt, Alan Cumming in his red dress etc.

I am sorry, but no. I have read to many essays of detransitioners who today wish their parents would have told them no, even to social transition, because it was nearly impossible to step back and hopefully eventually have to admit that you were wrong all the time.

He can have feminine clothing. I never cared about colors for him. But to be honest, he just looks stupid in a dress or a skirt (I will never tell him that).

Sometimes I think that all these young teenagers today are completely lost in a world without boundaries where they can be and do whatever they want. This is for me one of the reasons why these kids all crave for labels about their identity and sexuality. They need to know who they are and what they can do and these labels tell them exactly that.

Thank you for all your tips.

An hour ago I just came home from my visit in the clinic. I tried to listen to your advices and what I read before the visit and find a good compromise in MY behaviour for him and myself. It was really important for me and a big step that I tried to not expect anything from him as he has been in the clinic only for one week so far.

So the compromise for me was that I still talk to the doctors and care persons about my son and use his real name, and also when he was with me and could hear that. Even if the people in the clinic call him by his chosen name, I want him to hear often enough that he still is a boy and what’s his real name.

But after the meeting we had some time off together and went into the city to have a big ice cream. And we had a really good time. I tried to listen as much as I could to him and he talked so much about his days away from me. He hasn’t told me that much for months. On the other side I just talked with him about what happened at home and in the orchestra and how it is going with his cats (who he really misses). We didn’t talk much about his mental state which he doesn’t want yet. I hope this was a first little step to get back together und to build up our trust again. I’m really looking forward to see him again at the weekend.

At home I am still in my rabbit hole and trying to find the magic solution to the whole trans topic somewhere. But I guess this will be my part to solve.

I am still happy to read any advices or opinions from you people.

@Camille2906, my only extra advice for you (from a mum who has been where you are) is please, take some time to care for yourself.

I won’t tell you not to go down rabbit holes - I did, and in the end while it wasn’t especially useful in terms of things that I could talk to my son about, it was useful for me and my understanding of the possible ways my son ended up thinking the way he was thinking, even if some of the information scared me.

But do take some time to step away from the rabbit holes. Do things that make you happy - creative and/or physical things, if possible (sounds like your music might tick some of those boxes). This whole thing can be a marathon - it’s best if you have outlets to give yourself time away from it all.

You can wait. Wait is what you have to be able to do. He will more than likely grow out of it. being kind and supportive while speaking sense when appropriate, don’t go on about it too much as you could push him further into the arms of the ‘community’. My son went through similar at that age, then grew out of it, is now a happy young man (who is a bit embarrassed about his phase).

You are doing such a great job for your DS. Your "compromise" sounds very sensible. Healing takes time and you are taking things slowly and giving him time to heal. You are right about rebuilding trust, just having calm pleasant time with him is so valuable.

Why would that have anything whatsoever to do with it? Nobody ever says that football practice or training as a plumber turns girls into transmen?

Boys don't wear frilly tutus and tiaras during a ballet class. There's a male uniform and a male syllabus.

As long as he doesn’t start medically transitioning what is to be lost in allowing him to dress as he wishes & use another name. Keep him close. He’s suicidal so if that keeps you close maybe better

Two quick things, mostly for OP’s benefit: the Cass report made it very clear that “social transition” (as changing name, pronouns, clothing etc is called) is not a harmless undertaking, mostly because it makes it much harder for the child to row back from their chosen gender identity (should they want to) because they have to face the embarrassment (or worse, social death) that comes from telling everyone around them that they were wrong about their identity. It becomes a sunk cost situation - much easier to continue despite doubts/change of mind.

And second, medically speaking, suicidal ideation is very, very different from being suicidal, and should not be conflated.

I'm not saying that ballet lessons turn a boy into a transgirl...I'm suggesting that it is perfectly conceivable ( for anyone with an imagination) that a young boy participating in heavily female dominated activities might start to feel he has more in common with girls, or at least more sympathy with 'feminine' pursuits.

There has always been a degree of stigma with boys doing ballet ( my husband, who had a Russian mother, did ballet as a child) and he remembers always feeling acutely embarrassed to be the only boy in the class. And yes, we all know that male ballet dancers have to be incredibly strong and athletic - partly because they spend a good amount of time lifting their female counter-parts.
Same as in ice dancing.

Such an interesting point. My friend was saying in her child's mainstream school loads of the teens are non-binary or trans or bisexual - that it's their way of rebelling against authority and expressing their individuality.

My kid attends a SEN setting for high functioning kids where all the kids are quirky, wear mad clothes, have deep interests etc. Not a single trans or non binary kid though.

A family friend is a principal dancer with the Royal Ballet. It hasn't turned him trans.

Oh for goodness sake! Nobody has suggested that being a dancer or a fotballer turns someone 'trans'. Nobody is 'trans' - if that means being the oppposite sex to that which you are. But we do have to acknowledge that gender stereotypes and associations exist.

Trans activists, and others clearly, get very confused as soon as they have to deal with more than one type or vector of information at a time. Trans activism is the death of critical thinking and logic. A skill that is in very short supply in recent times.

Hello. What exactly do you mean by "medical things"? Do you even know what it is like to transition? There's no need for sugeries (for the most part) and even if wanting to go to this point, I don't know about how it's like in Germany but I know that, at least in France, all costs are paid by the governement. So maybe that is the case as well in Germany. Though, despite how much painful it was to read some of the posts and despite that me saying that might expose me to haters but as a trans person, first of all, de-transitioning cases are about below 1% of trans people. Please don't shove your own fear into your children, of course if you keep telling them about that, it must be extremely scary. Taking estrogen would do more than just body changes so if they are taking it, if they at first referred to themselves as "trans-femme" then it's giving me the impression that ending up to considering themselves a demi-boy instead could have been because of you? Or maybe to make it easier to you. Or maybe the fear of really going through transitioning BUT if they got to even consider transitioning or if they'd even have a chosen name, then, that definitely sound like being transgender. Cis(non-trans) persons doesn't get to want to transition. Also I do not know if by mental illness, you're referring to this but I sure hope that it's not the case. I wouldn't be surprised if people came to contradict me on it since transphobes love to do everything they can to be a nuisance to a kind of persons they doesn't understand. Also, I did see that in some messages, someone talked about how they thought that the gender one was assigned at birth defined what they are forever and that is wrong. hormone replacement therapy or HRT for short will not only make physical changes. It does that though but these are only bonus. Into MtF, it will give natural breasts for example but before anything, it will rewrites someone's brain chemistry. I did experience it myself. At the beginning, I even got to think that I was suddenly broken as my brain switch from being "male" to being "female". So, please don't think or make your daughter(or son if you'd prefer to call them that) of anything different, I don't know about whatever researches you might have gone through, if you found topics made by transphobes etc, there, i'll be real and explain from the perspective of a person that did it or joined a community of other trans persons. I'm not gonna say that, transitioning is all magical and enjoyable, no. The brutal truth is, this hurt like nothing can hurt you more and when a person go as far as doing this, it's because they HAVE to. It's because it's who they truly are, we don't 'want' to become trans. We ARE trans, it's inside of a person from the start, they just notice the signs one by one. Also, this takes up to 10 years for all the body changes and to fully transition. Also, considering that cis persons cannot understand how it's like to be trans since they didn't go through all that, it can become more and more scary to even interact with cis individuals because, for example having cis friends, trying explaining a situation from your non-cis perspective, they can only understand the cis person pov which most of the time can only make it more painful if they were venting to a friend for example. Trying to understand something that you cannot is the worse mistake someone can do, it can sounds illogical but the best thing to do is just to accept them as they are, no matter what they feel like being. Still loving them and letting them express it and not bottling up it to just adapt to what you think they should be. Like I wrote a bit upper too, it can take up to around 10 years and a lot of us tend to procrastinate until one day when we decide to finally embrace our true selves. I have even seen persons transitioning at 60+. I personally have procrastinated until 30 even though I did know from being around 20. So if they do it now, then by the time they are a grown-up, they will be how they really feel considering that it is how they really feel. Otherwise, if certain factors like for example the fear you might have put into them by talking about detransitioning cases which, like I said are <1% of us, maybe they will be bottling it up and still do it many years later while already being part of the society, eventually having a work etc. And in the middle of that, having to transition there, in the middle of everything. Also making friends that most likely could stop wanting to interact with them whenever they'd come out as a trans person. So, as a parent, what you should be doing is not to worry about them being indoctrinated because it's not how it works. If someone tried convincing you to become a man, you wouldn't even like the idea, right? There can be doubts, though. Another thing is, if they were considering themselves lesbian and a transfem, then it's exactly that. Transwomans are transwomans. They're not mans. They're not womans either. If you are worried about that they might get in trouble, it would be even worse if they ended up doing it themselves or without a doctor. Some choose this way while living in countries where it is even dangerous for their own safety to come out as trans. If you really care and love for your children, then accept whatever they are. That is as simple as that. Try your best at guiding them without your own personal opinion, you have to make sure that what they want is really what they want and not to fit to what fears they might have now. Also, if ever the genetic of being assigned male at birth worries you or them because for example facial hair, for example, the use of a "foil shaver" can help a lot in reducing gender dysphoria. There's also laser/electrosis for hair removal with laser being semi-permanent (lasts the longest) and electrosis being permanent and the really biggest part of medical things is facial feminization surgery. Or top surgery. Some even goes to bottom surgery but even without any of these, it is still very possible to look feminine. Generally transwomans tend to start coming out as fem after around 1 year - 1 and a half year of HRT though at this point, they might look feminine but not yet able to pass like any other ciswoman, by transitioning while being older and having more self awareness, it might be more painful. We can have to wait for a minimum of 2-3 years to start looking at least really feminine. The very rough part of transitioning is not even that. It's not about feminizing your face, your appearance or other. It's feminizing your voice. It can be very difficult. Even doctors supposed to help with that can give wrong guidance from what I have heard. There are a lot of steps, a lot of mistakes to avoid as well. Having to learn to work your larynx, to learning to use something we call "resonance". Having to learn to speak in a feminine voice, to not try too hard to go in a high pitch too, to learn to soften your voice. To practice 'voice fry' and to learn about speaking in a more feminine way. It's a very rough life but it's not one that trans people 'choose' because, even myself as one, I sincerely wish sometimes I could just be cis. I don't wish for all this pain to happen to anybody else but in the end of transition, there is the happiness of being who a person truly is. So that can be worth it if it is really what they feel like they are.

I don't have anything practical to tell you, others are giving you advice so I won't.

But I will say you sound like an awesome parent. You are dealing with a truly awful set of cicumstances.

Thank you for your answer but I think we are standing completely opposite sites of the topic.

This thread is about MY child and as I am his parent (together with his dad) it is also the decision of us parents how we raise our kid and what values are important to us. If that makes me transphobic, so I’m fine with being labelled as such.

I don’t believe in being born in a wrong body at all. There might be cases where the outcomes of a body dysphoria are so distressing that a medical transition might be the last opportunity for this person but for me, the amount of these people is a infinite small percentage of all the self-identified trans people nowadays.

The young teenager we are talking about here, is a child with severe mental health issues who started way before he even considered being trans might be the solution of his problems. He has a severe depression with suicidal thoughts (no, us not affirming was not the cause for that), diagnosed ADHD, possible autistic traits and a profoundly giftedness. He has been a quirky and weird nerd, who hasn’t fit in anywhere for his whole life.

This child is a very small, thin and fragile looking boy who is up to two years younger than his classmates. As they all got into puberty, started growing in height and having beards, my son still looks like a child. He can’t keep up in sports with them, isn’t interested in football and looks more like a 10 year old girl at the moment.

Then he found out about the possibility of being trans in the internet (reddit) and unfortunately he was in a roblox chat group at that time which I found out about too late. There everyone suddenly praised him for his courage and he was respected for that and not being laughed at anymore. He never had to show his physical appearance there.

For me (and his therapist), the idea of suddenly being trans was a search of a solution for his problems and a chance to run away from them. By being someone completely different to its old self, he thought he doesn’t have to work on all what happens. Now he is Luna and Felix is away. And with Felix being gone, all the bullying and never fitting in is gone too.

Let me just tell you one thing. None of his problems in the last 12 months got any smaller by declaring he is a girl and using make-up, even nearly everyone in school affirmed his new self. He is still suicidal and that’s because of his diagnoses and because his mom is not affirming him.

Anyone who seriously uses the term 'cis' or states the 'under 1% regret' statistic as if it is an undisputed fact is pushing an agenda.

de-transitioning cases are about below 1% of trans people

You don't know that. Nobody knows that because there are no proper studies made on that topic. However, the sheer number of detransitioners on detrans sites or in detrans associations points to a much bigger proportion than 1%.

if they got to even consider transitioning or if they'd even have a chosen name, then, that definitely sound like being transgender

Nah. Teenagers are famously influenceable, and there's absolutely a social contagion aspect to teens identifying as trans in such massive numbers.

the gender one was assigned at birth defined what they are forever and that is wrong. hormone replacement therapy or HRT for short will not only make physical changes.

Please tell me you don't believe you can actually change your sex?

it will rewrites someone's brain chemistry. I did experience it myself. At the beginning, I even got to think that I was suddenly broken as my brain switch from being "male" to being "female"

Please give an example of what a male brain is like, and what a female brain is like.

i'll be real and explain from the perspective of a person that did it or joined a community of other trans persons

Loads of people here have experience with having trans family members, with being gender non-conforming, or even with being trans themselves.

I'm not gonna say that, transitioning is all magical and enjoyable, no. The brutal truth is, this hurt like nothing can hurt you more

If you really think that, then you haven't experienced much pain in your life.

We ARE trans, it's inside of a person from the start, they just notice the signs one by one.

Do you have examples of such "signs"?

for example having cis friends, trying explaining a situation from your non-cis perspective, they can only understand the cis person pov

Really? You think nobody can ever understand the perspective of someone different from them?

Trying to understand something that you cannot is the worse mistake someone can do, it can sounds illogical but the best thing to do is just to accept them as they are, no matter what they feel like being.

Okay. So stop trying to understand GC people and just accept them as they are.

maybe they will be bottling it up and still do it many years later while already being part of the society, eventually having a work etc. And in the middle of that, having to transition there, in the middle of everything. Also making friends that most likely could stop wanting to interact with them whenever they'd come out as a trans person.

You do realise that a teen is just as much "part of the society" as an adult, right? Coming out at school is no easier than at work, and having friends who leave you happens to teens as much as adults.

If you really care and love for your children, then accept whatever they are. That is as simple as that.

Yes, indeed, and what this boy is, is a boy.

It's a very rough life

The more the reason not to encourage anyone into it, then.