Help! Son (13) with severely mental health issues thinks he is trans.

[Camille2906]

Please help me with my want-to-be-trans-child as I am more and more freaking out as his mother. As English is not my mother tongue, please excuse andy mistakes.

I am the mother of a nearly 14 year old boy who thinks he is transgender and wants to be a girl for one year now. Until now he has only socially transited outside of our home and any medication is not planned at all.

All of it started when he became suicidal and diagnosed with depression because of severe bullying at school. He is also profoundly gifted (IQ is 145), has diagnosed ADHD and probably some autistic traits (autism was ruled out). He has been quirky for his whole life and has never really fit in for the most of his life. We now that the idea of being transgender got introduced to him online (reddit, discord, roblox) where he was encouraged pretty much and praised for being trans. We have never affirmed him at all at home but we tell and show him everyday how much we love him as he is without insisting too much that we think all this transgender thing is nonsense and that he is still a boy. I still try to tell him my personal opinion quite often because I desperately hope, that this way, I will be louder than the trans activists. We also completely restricted his internet access since he came out and control what he is doing (he knows about it). So no more reddit, discord, anime, roblox and so on.

Since a week he is in a children- and youth psychiatric clinic for a stationary treatment as he is still suicidal despite all the therapies we did for the last 12 months. This was absolutely necessary.

But I am freaking out about the social transition. In his new school nearly everyone was absolutely fine with his wish to be called Luna and not Felix. And also in the clinic they respect this wish and call him Luna though he still has to be in a shared room with a boy and use the boys facilities. He bought himself some skirts from his pocket money but he doesn’t have them in the clinic. I explained to him that his time there is about healing and not about wearing skirts all the time because I am not there.

Because I am so scared of his future I told him what it really means to be a trans woman, about the surgeries, the lifelong medication and the risks and I even showed him videos of weirdo trans women fetishists. So now he doesn’t want to do anything medical anymore and changed from trans girl to demi boy and thinks he is gay (I’m fine with being gay!). That’s what he told me but I can’t believe him. He still doesn’t want to let go of this stupid girl name and tries to wear girl clothes whenever he can. Yesterday I visited him in the clinic and the girls made him his hair (he has long hair).

Sorry for the chaotic writing but my worries are eating me up more and more. The more I research about all this gender ideology the more I freak out.

His former therapist didn’t affirm him, also just the name thing…, and worked with the waiting approach. She told me that she thinks he has a huge identity crisis because he never fit in. Also she thinks that he is running away from the trauma of bullying in his old school by getting rid of this person and being someone else.

I am so lost. How should I go on with my son. I love him so much and I just can’t sit there and wait. So if anyone has some advice for me I would be quite happy.

Thank you for reading this long post!

Many, many people fall for online grooming and scams. Think of all the people who have been catfished into sending their life savings to people who they think are going to marry them. This shit is extremely prevalent and extremely easy to fall for if you are not vigilant and don't know what to look for. Your son is young and particularly vulnerable.

Your son has been told that because he hates his body and has mental health issues, he must be trans. He has then also been told that the only way he can feel better is if he transitions. He has likely been told that not only will hormones make him feel better, he needs to start taking them as soon as possible. That people who want to restrict his access to these are evil and don't have his best interests in mind and that he needs to hide this from you as you won't be supportive. He will read that ordering them and injecting himself is safe, that he just needs to follow instructions and be careful.

He needs to know that he is looking at doing something extremely silly. He needs to know not to believe everything that he reads online and that people who do not know him do not have his best interests at heart, especially if they are trying to sell him something. He needs to know that cross sex hormones come with serious risks and side effects, and for oestrogen, one of those possible side effects is anxiety and depression, so it could actually make him feel worse. And if he tries to argue that it's safe, point out that any online service which sells extremely powerful drugs to a 13 year old without parental knowledge or consent is literally a shady drug dealer who cannot be trusted and not any sort of reputable service at all. If they're willing to sell a kid drugs, they're certainly capable of selling any old crap and telling you that it's drugs. They're certainly also capable of going on Reddit, posing as satisfied customers and telling people to use them. "It is not safe and you cannot trust what you read on the internet" has to be the message he is getting.

Our food, water, personal care products, cleaning products, basically everything we consume has hormone disrupting chemicals & plastics in them. That’s why children are having gender dismorphia or genuine gender disruption. It’s going to become more & more common in the future in our western world. What I’m saying is that it’s futile to try & fight it. Tell your child that he can make any choices that he needs to & that you will support him. I’m sorry to say that’s your only option or risk losing your beloved child. As parents we have to put our shame, embarrassment or disappointment to one side & realist that our child’s sanity & wellbeing has to come before all else. I wish you strength in getting through this difficult time.

smart phones and the use of sites like reddit, discord and others seem to figure prominently in this fairly recent explosion of trans kids. Helen Joyce has written in detail about this. Often it’s autistic children, struggling with their identity, who are attracted to the trans tribes.

Affirming it blindly, as you suggest, is akin to supporting the abuse and mistreatment of children. They’re not old enough to make irreversible life long changes to their bodies and minds.

If an anorexic 13 year old girl insisted she was too fat, would we affirm or push back? If a teenager wanted to get pregnant and become a Mother at 14, would we affirm or push back? Trans isn’t a neutral identity. Being gay is totally neutral and has no impact on the lifelong health of the gay man/woman. Being trans is completely different and only adults and preferably those over the age of 25 who’ve developed fully, should be able to take medications/surgeries for it and only then after extensive exploratory therapies, which are currently hard to attain.

Why do these hormone disrupting chemicals disproportionately affect vulnerable kids with autism or childhood trauma?

Don't be silly.

Our food, water, personal care products, cleaning products, basically everything we consume has hormone disrupting chemicals & plastics in them. That’s why children are having gender dismorphia or genuine gender disruption. It’s going to become more & more common in the future in our western world.

I suppose you have the beginning of some kind of scientific evidence to support this extraordinary claim?

OP you could perhaps dial it back a little and focus more on positive role models than on the negative. Make sure he has a therapist who does not affirm, allow him long hair and clothes, keep him as physically active as you can and as far away from the internet and from people who affirm him as you can. Do push the line that if he buys and takes drugs he doesnt know what he is getting and that the people selling them dont care about him.

Yes, it is true that many everyday household objects and substances contain dangerous chemicals that can have negative impact upon our bodies, but this has been true for a lot longer than trans ideology has been around. I've been avoiding many such things as best I can for over 40 years.

Trans ideology arose on american university campuses in the 1990s and has taken off since the introduction of the internet and everyone being glued to social media ever since. Theere were no 'trans kids' even 15 years ago and I know that becaue i was a teacher and nobody had even heard of the concept. We all knew that some older men cross dressed and that some took it even further, though It was still being referred to as being 'a transsexual'. There were certainly not masses of young lesbians declaring they were boys.

The odd kids, or those that were loners or non conformists tended to adopt different clothing fashions and the youth cultures that surrounded them - such as being Emos or Goths. Some were just 'nerdy' and into science, and these days they would very much be into tech and gaming. Some children are nascently gay.....and this has always been the case.

Just to make a few things clear about me and my son.

I have always been a very harmony liking person. I have been tolerant and haven’t really cared about how other people lived their lives and have been friendly and respectful to nearly everyone. I do have some critical opinions on different topics concerning human beings but I have always been able to explain my viewpoints and liked to discuss them in a respectful way.

But when my child got groomed on Reddit, Discord and Roblox, no one there was worrying about hurting me or my family and even less my child. This was the moment when my tolerance started slowly to vanish and the worries about my son became more and more. And I want to be honest here, this was also the moment, when my tolerance started slowly to change into some form of hatred for the trans activists. At the moment I am not willing to be careful not to hurt any of these people because no one of them was careful for me and my son. Also I am not proud of this but I can’t change it right now…

I also don’t believe in the theory of hormones in water and food. Why? Because I know many boys the same age around my son who live in the same area and eat similar food and they are all perfectly fine with their bodies, sex and gender. So what is different with my son? He has always been the small, thin and tiny boy. He has never been talented with sports and has never had any interest in them. He is profoundly gifted, his behaviour and interests are very nerdy, he has diagnosed ADHD and probably also some autistic traits. He has been bullied for several school years and nothing the parents or the teachers did could stop that eventually, only for some amount of time before it started all over. He simply never really fit in with the boys around him. When my son finally switched to a school for only gifted children, it was too late for his mental health.

One and a half year ago we had a very difficult situation in our family. As a single mom I was burned out and got psychological help in a day clinic. Unfortunately I didn’t care for him as good as I was able to do before and after. I allowed him way too much computer time because I was feeling guilty leaving him at home alone in the afternoons. I also didn’t see how bad the bullying then was and this was the moment when the groomers stepped in for me and everything crashed. Don’t worry, I will feel responsible for this mistake for the rest of my life.

He can explore himself as much as he wants as long as he can accept that he is a boy and that this will never change no matter what he might does. No hormones or surgery will change him being male ever. If he would have been emo, gothic, punk or any other youth subculture, I wouldn’t worry that much because these subcultures are not harmful for the child’s body. The trans ideology/subculture is simply too dangerous for children’s health and that’s why I just can’t affirm him and sit through the whole thing.

And to be honest, most days I just wish more than anything to wake up and all of this shit has just been a really bad dream. Yes puberty with special kids is hard, but puberty with gender ideology is hell for a family!

At the very start, you say she was severely bullied at school. And that you're hostile to her transition.

There's your answer. Dysphoria, bullying and lack of parental support is why trans children develop mental health issues.

Being neurodivergent is not the cause of being trans - it just makes someone far less able to hide who they are.

Support her and watch what happens. If you don't, she will suffer more pain and this will badly affect her exams. And you will eventually lose her, because she won't be able to trust you.

Accepting her will not cure her dysphoria, but it will ease it.

Trans children need their parents to be on their side, because street violence is very real.

The demonisation and vilification of trans people has made them a target for abuse.

If you really did show her porn images (which is what those are) then oh my God, that is not parenting. It's abuse.

Therapy will not work unless you accept her. You are causing her distress, not easing it.

Trans women are normal people.

You must choose between controlling and respecting your child. Then she can heal and get on with the rest of her life.

I will never ever affirm my child in this trans ideology. I am his mother and I will protect him from these activists for as long as I can.

He has been suicidal way before his outing and nothing got better afterwards even if many so called professionals outside of our home affirm him all day long.

So if neurodivergence is not a cause of trans identity in young adolescents, why are there so many autistic teenagers who want to be trans?

He wasn’t bullied because he is trans, he was bullied because he is just very different from the typical child around him. If he was born in another time he would have been maybe emo, gothic or something else.

I don’t believe in any trans child. There is always a psychological issue lying underneath. If my son would have lived alone with us on a lonely island he would be absolute fine with himself and his body. I love him dearly and he can get every therapy he needs, but I will prevent him mutilating his healthy young body with everything I have.

I asked here because I wanted help from parents who just don’t affirm their kids in whatever they want and who are critical thinking about all of this. So just stay out of my thread and indoctrinate somewhere else.

I am myself also highly educated and intelligent. I read more scientific papers about this topic than all of you activists might have done. I am allowed to form by own educated opinion and I am sorry that my opinion doesn’t suit you. Well - no I am not really!

Thank you for your answer.

I have no problem with boys with long hair at all. When I was younger I even dated two men with long hair ☺️. And I would never ever cut his hair without his consent.

You are right in the point, that I might have to get some counselling for me to calm down. But it is difficult to find a critical counsellor, because with an affirming one I would just start discussions all day long and this wouldn’t help me at all but increase my fears even more.

My son recently asked if he can go to a try out day of the local community flying club. He loves everything about flying (his grandpa was a pilot) and there he could even get a glider license one day. The people there seem to be completely down to earth, more conservative and probably not very woke. I also guess that there will be more male people who might be the role models he needs. They also have a small youth group. Maybe this is a kind of real living for him.

I am also thinking of getting completely rid of the internet at home and no internet in his mobile, as he is regularly hurting our trust in him. Yeah he can have internet access with his friends but that would not be for as long and he couldn’t have the access alone.

He has to live in reality again and continue sorting out his problems which have nothing to do with gender. His new identity is simply his way to destroy his old self and to go around the need to actually deal with his problems, which is very hard for him and which he’d love to avoid at all.

@Camille2906 I really feel for you in this situation.

I can remember how shocked I was when I learnt that there are men who look for 'eggs to crack' online. 'Cracking eggs' is their slang for - in my own words - brainwashing vulnerable people into believing that they should be the opposite sex. I have read enough from detransitioners and also posts by these 'egg crackers' to know that this is a real and very dangerous thing.

F1NN5TER is an example of this. He started off as a Minecraft YouTuber and the grooming took place in plain sight as he was paid to dress up in female clothes during Twitch streams. It escalated, including Finn being offered 300k to get breast implants for a year by an individual with the username TenMuses (who claimed to be a retired Doctor). Of course, Finn's egg has now been fully cracked, he is on oestrogen and has an OnlyFans.

It feels like you are so focused on the trans thing that you are losing sight of the most important aim at the moment which is to move him out of a suicidal mindset. Clearly it is key to avoid him starting any hormonal medication but beyond that I think easing up on the interactions with him about clothing, names and detransition people will help. There's a danger that by being so intense with him on these issues will create problems in itself. It is a fine balance, I realise, but it feels like a possible deal to make with him is that as long as hormonal treatment is avoided you will keep an open mind on clothing, names and help him get to being happy. And that the route to being happy is not the same as the route to transition. But he needs to give himself years and years to properly make the right choices.

Luckily my son is right now in a clinic where he gets help for his depression and suicidal thoughts.

I also had contact to a very famous German gender critical chuildren and youth psychiatric doctor.

He warned me intensely, that social transition is not as harmless as many people think it is. I you simply affirm transgender children who have severe underlying mental health issues (as mine has!), there will be no need for this children to work on their real problems because they can just flee their problems with their new identity.
The thing is, that their new identity won’t solve any of the underlying mental health problems and after the first euphoric time, all their problems will come back on them like a boomerang.

What do I really want for him? He can have long hair, he can have make-up, he can have feminine clothing (where they are appropriate) but he has to know that he is male and a boy and that he can never change these facts in reality. He also has to accept that I love him dearly but that I will never give my consent to him for mutilating his healthy body. If I risk losing him as an adult for trying to protect him from harm then this is the price for me to pay.

I watched many interviews from neurodivergent detransitioners and their stories are way too sad to let my son run blindly into all of this.

Maybe another example what I mean that I risk loosing him by trying desperately to protect him.

If my 13 year old child wants to go to a sports boarding school to become a professional footballer and I don’t let him go because I don’t think this way will be the best for him or there are health reasons against his wish, there is also a risk of him being angry at me as an adult because he thinks I ruined his life.

Still, it is my right as a parent to educate my child in the way what I think is right or wrong. Up to this day there are no studies who give me the security that affirming him is the one and only way to help him.

And guess what - there is much more in his life where I don’t simply give in with his wishes. That is called educating a child. I can accept that other parents handle the trans issue in other ways even if I can’t understand them. But in the end of the day these are not my children and I don’t have to live with their results as a mom. So please do accept my way of handling this situation with the same tolerance (no need for respect from me). Until there aren’t real proves what to do with this amount of suddenly trans teenagers combined with neurodivergences, all we can do is try and error no matter on which side of the story we are.

You are absolutely trying to do what is best for your son, but tactics are tricky. The flying clubs sounds like a great idea.

The flying sounds a very good idea.

Anything real and away from the internet.
He’d be using his mind and body together in coordination and possibly reconnecting the two in a healthy way, and being in the wonderful sky!

Have you asked the expert you mentioned having contacted if this would be good, or for any other suggestions?

Re flying @Camille2906
one word of warning is that Transactivists - including in English books intended for young children, and in some ‘educational’ curriculums in the U.K. - love to tell children about Robert Cowell who was a racing driver, then a World War 1 pilot, who later became transgender with the name Roberta Cowell.

I have two autistic sons (one also has adhd) and two autistic brothers (one with ld). None of them are trans.

My child who isn't autistic, is trans.

If you don't accept your child, you will lose her. We cannot love who we cannot trust.

I would suggest reading more widely about trans people, especially their own words.

You can't argue, threaten or therapise someone out of who they are. That's conversion therapy, and it's abuse.

I'll not reply further. Hope you and she can be reconciled, because she needs you.

do you always accept what your child says and does? If they needed tattoos to celebrate their identity, would you agree to it?

Unless the trans person you listen to is @Seethlaw, OP. Transparent wouldn’t recommend that.

There is one point for me why I can’t believe in the being born trans-theory at all.

What would happen to all the trans people if they would be born and live like Mogli in the Jungle Book? A child like this would have never known that there are male and female people or men and women. This child wouldn’t even have the language for sex or gender at all. This child would simply be who it is because there wouldn’t be any other humans to compare itself to. This child wouldn’t even identify as an animal because it never had any language for the construct of identity. The child would just live a happy life the way its life is.

So for me no one is ever born in the wrong body or with a female or male brain. We are just who we are. For me the gender thing is something which comes from the community outside of the child and not from the inner self. Gender dysphoria always has a psychological root and not a biological. Of course for a very few people this dysphoria is so severe that changing their gender is the only help but for the majority of today’s trans people a therapy would have a better psychological outcome but would of course take a much longer time.

I’m simply not convinced at all and that is why I am protecting my child. And I am saying it again: If the price to protect my child’s healthy body as long as I can from any irreversible harm (this is at least proven) to maybe lose him as an adult then I am willing to risk that. But I do really hope that I can help him before being an adult and getting him away from the gender cult. Because then he is still an healthy adult and I still haven’t lost him!

He is a leading doctor of a German University clinic for children’s and youth psychiatry and he is so gender critical that he regularly gets horrifying threats by trans activists. So which person can I trust more in this case as a gender critical mom.

He told me to try to get everyone on board to not affirm and socially transition him. A social transition is not that harmless as most people think it is. The longer our kids have socially transitioned the harder it will become for them to step back one day if they wish to without being massively ashamed. So at least the adults in his life should call by his birth name to keep reality in his life. It doesn’t matter in the end if his friends call him his preferred name as long as he is not engaged in any queer communities.

We should also concentrate massively on getting him more and more into offline hobbies outside of the queer community with people more or less down to earth, for example like this community flight club or his orchestras and stuff like that. He also told us to get him away from Social Media and dangerous communities like Reddit and Discord completely if possible in any way. And if we can’t trust him at the moment, no internet at all for him.

A gender exploring therapist would also be a good help after the clinic for the after care of his depression and to work on his self esteem and that he is more than his gender or his depression. We are still searching this person and might contact the professor for help with this again. I’m sure he had some names of connections.

And one thing to add - I never showed him any trans porn.

I showed him a reel of a middle-aged man on instagram who wore heels, fishnets, a too short skirt, a top, a wig and way too much make-up. This obviously autogynophelic man showed everyone on instagram his weird dancing as a woman when everybody was able to see this is a man with a wig.

This man was not naked and his dancing was not really sexy (he tried to, but…). Watching this reel was just really really sad for every sane person out there. So showing my son this reel did no harm to him at all but showed him some kind of reality.

honestly you just need to let your kid live their life. if they want to identify as something other than their biological sex, who cares!? people need the space and support to explore their identity and figure out who they are - i spent a year of my teens identifying as non-binary as i was figuring myself out. by the sounds of it your child is already going through enough as it is and you making them suppress their feelings isn’t going to help. they’ll only resent you.