My feed

to access all these features

Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

We Can't Consent to this - choking research

78 replies

WomanDaresTo · 07/11/2019 21:52

Hello you excellent lot.

Fiona from We Can't Consent To This here.

We're appalled by [[
the rise of choking]] and other unbidden violence and abuse of women in sex. We're keen to hear women's stories so we can start to show the scale of the problem - if you'd be prepared to share your story in writing or recording, or know women who would, you can use our contact form at the bottom of or on twitter DM

(Or on here)

We think this has become an appallingly common experience, particularly (but not only) for young women.

Thank you in advance Flowers

OP posts:
WomanDaresTo · 07/11/2019 21:55

And even if you don't want to talk to us - if would like support at any point, these amazing women are ready when you are:

In england and wales

Scotland and Northern Ireland

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 07/11/2019 22:01

I had to stop reading that as I felt sick.

BarbaraStrozzi · 07/11/2019 22:01

I'm an old gimmer so no longer sexually active, but by way of input in terms of a "control group" who were sexually active prior to the rise of internet porn, I can say that with sexual partners into the modest double digits, I have never had anyone try to choke me, and only once had a partner suggest anal (which was done politely and the rebuff was accepted without any quibbling whatsoever).

LangCleg · 07/11/2019 22:17

I'm an old gimmer so no longer sexually active, but by way of input in terms of a "control group" who were sexually active prior to the rise of internet porn, I can say that with sexual partners into the modest double digits, I have never had anyone try to choke me

Second old gimmer for the control group. No bloke has ever tried to choke me either. Thank fuck.

StillWeRise · 07/11/2019 22:27

another old gimmer here, never had the remotest hint of anything like this

RufusthebewiIderedreindeer · 07/11/2019 22:30

Another mature person

And no...but ive been with dh since i was 17

My 70+ year old dad told me the other day that some women like it...i was 😳

Trentgirl · 07/11/2019 22:31

Middle-aged type here. No choking, violence or abuse in my (admittedly limited) experience.

StylishMummy · 07/11/2019 22:32

Late twenties here and at 17 I had someone try this. I kicked them off me and told them to sling their hook. But it wasn't discussed before and they seemed shocked I said no. Absolutely god awful experience

PurpleFrames · 07/11/2019 22:40

I didn't consent but my exH would do it anyway.

Snorlax37 · 07/11/2019 22:45

I'm 39 and was single the majority of my twenties. I had a few one night stands with men and none of them ever tried to choke me thank God. One bloke was a bit too forceful when I was giving him oral sex and grabbed the back of my head which I did not enjoy but overall I feel like I got off lightly.

Goosefoot · 07/11/2019 22:48

I've never ad anyone try this, 20 years ago I remember people talking about it, and apparently some did it, but it seems like the idea was to intensify orgasm through limiting oxygen to the brain, and men were as likely to do it for that purpose as women. It wasn't that being choked was supposed to be a turn on in itself.
Also, it was understood to be very dangerous with a real risk of unintentionally killing or seriously hurting someone.

justcly · 07/11/2019 22:51

Auto-erotic/erotic asphyxiation intensifying orgasm is one thing. A man grabbing a woman by the throat during sex, whether she's approaching orgasm or not, is just him getting off on his power over her.

FannyCann · 07/11/2019 22:55

Another old glimmer here. No dodgy suggestions and it's fair to say I had my sex and the city moments.
No choking. No slapping. No hair pulling. No anal.
I'd have gone to the police with complaints of assault for any of the above.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 07/11/2019 22:56

56 yr old granny of one here. Married twice, current DH for 25 years, had plenty of sexual experience in my younger days and never been asked / suggested choking, anal or bondage. Pure vanilla.

FannyCann · 07/11/2019 23:06

I'm also posting the infamous photo of Justin Trudeau. The fancy dress was an appalling choice.
The hand placement is positively sinister imo. I've never had a partner or a work colleague place their hand in that way whilst posing for a photo.

We Can't Consent to this - choking research
Thehagonthehill · 07/11/2019 23:08

Another oldster here,same as others.Had a request for anal once,said no and that was accepted.
Even though we were subject to groping etc in real relationships we expected to have as much enjoyment as our partner.

wecant · 07/11/2019 23:51

I''m 42, I've never had a consensual partner go near to attempting anything like this.

My psychopath brother, however, repeatedly strangled me when I was around 9, repeatedly raped me around this age too, back in the 1980s.

My conclusion? Hate is becoming way more mainstream.

Creepster · 08/11/2019 00:01

It was in the 1993 movie Rising Sun that I heard of auto erotic asphyxiation for the first time.
Prior to that I was aware there had been numerous lawsuits against police forces for using lethal force in what is called a "choke hold" but is actually the carotid artery hold. Very deadly dangerous.

Pandaintheporridge · 08/11/2019 00:02

I remember reading in the (I think it was) Joy of Sex in the late 80's that you could hang your head off the bed backwards to create a dizzy affect. Seems far more sensible than playing Russian roulette with your life through choking.
No one has ever asked or tried such a thing with me, I have sons to raise and this is appalling.

Mner2019 · 08/11/2019 00:41

Some of these experiences are terrifying. I am so sorry for those of you who have been through this.

No choking or bondage etc. Two partners have suggested anal but I managed to say no/distract them without any problems. Not a chance. I spelt this out fairly early on in my relationship to DH. I don’t know if he had ever wanted anal, but it’s not going to happen. We are both 40.

Dreamscomingtrue · 08/11/2019 00:49

Early 60’s, One husband nearly 40 years, several relationships before marriage. No one ever suggested choking or anal. Not my cup of tea anyway as I have IBS and it just doesn’t appeal to me.

justcly · 08/11/2019 01:22

I was asked, once. Pointed out that I am asthmatic and have spent far too much time struggling to breathe to ever find it erotic. And he accepted that.

TheSecretJeven · 08/11/2019 03:59

I'm middle aged, no choking attempted or suggested in my time. One idiot 'boyfriend' decided to grab my arms behind my back as I left a bus once, thinking it would be "funny" to prevent me stepping down and couldn't see why I might be upset at being held thus or why I might feel vulnerable even in broad daylight having my arms effectively pinned to my sides (manual worker so extremely strong). Dread to think what he might think is 'funny' now behind closed doors.

ISaySteadyOn · 08/11/2019 06:43

38 yo and neither choking nor anal has ever been suggested to me.

NeurotrashWarrior · 08/11/2019 07:05


Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.