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Original poster

Plus One? How do you decide who gets one?

77 replies

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 09:12

Morning everyone!

Looking for some advice over an issue that cropped up over the weekend when discussing the guest list with my fiancé this weekend.

How do you decide which friends/family members get plus ones and which ones don't???

The issue has cropped up surrounding one of my fiancé's closest friend's girlfriend. They have been close friends since starting secondary school and will be organising the stag weekend along with the best man. This mate has a long term girlfriend who he lives with but they are not engaged/have kids.

I just assumed that we would invite both of them but my fiancé has turned round bluntly this weekend and said he doesn't want to pay for people that aren't close mates to either of us to come.

I don't really know what to do - I tried to explain that in that situation I would expect an invite (e.g cohabiting but not engaged) but he just didn't seem to understand.

AIBU? How do you decide who gets a plus one?

Any advice welcome :)

OP posts:
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/05/2016 09:18

I went on the basis of "have either myself or DH met the girlfriend" (or whoever the plus one was). If neither of us had ever met the person in question then no plus one.

RaeSkywalker · 16/05/2016 09:24

I did the same as MyBread. In the example you give in the OP I would definitely invite the girlfriend.

Original poster
Remm89 · 16/05/2016 09:27

I know - I feel really bad as I think we should invite her and I am really surprised that my fiancé was so adamant about it.

I have met her a couple of times and my fiancé went to school with her so they have definitely met!

OP posts:
FeelingSmurfy · 16/05/2016 09:39

For us one of the deciding factors was how many other people that person knows, if they only know bride and groom then it's going to be a really crap day for them as they can't spend all day with you etc

FeelingSmurfy · 16/05/2016 09:40

So we would tell them to bring a plus one, even if it was just a friend of theirs

Sorry posted too soon.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 16/05/2016 09:44

I think couples living together should be invited as a couple. I know people aren't joined at the hip blah blah, but you run the risk of offending people if you don't.

I'm not married to DP, we have no children together. We would both be offended if we were not treated as a couple.

PurpleDaisies · 16/05/2016 09:47

I agree-long term serious relationship means both get an invite.

SellFridges · 16/05/2016 09:49

I would say a "plus one" describes an invitation to an unnamed person. So if you're inviting Bob, you invite Bob plus Guest to make him more comfortable. It does not describe someone you both know, who is the long term partner of a member of the wedding party. Choosing not to invite that person is just rude IMO.

SnuffleGruntSnorter · 16/05/2016 09:50

Our criteria was that if we all went out to dinner together, would I happily buy their meal? That's effectively what you're doing at your wedding.

Lules · 16/05/2016 09:51

Yes if they live together they should definitely get one, unless it's something like all work colleagues/football team etc invited and they aren't close friends

redhat · 16/05/2016 09:53

Living together definitely means you invite both, even if you've not met the other person. To leave them out would look like a definite snub. If I had been invited to a wedding without DH when we lived together (before we were married) then I wouldn't have gone either.

Original poster
Remm89 · 16/05/2016 09:53

I know - I think it's really rude too. Like I said in my opening post, if I was her I would expect to be invited!

Talking to my fiancé last night it is clear that he views it like Snuffle - would he buy her meal? His answer is no.

I don't know what to do now. This is confirming that my first impression was right and I am worried that we will upset both her and possibly his close mate if we don't invite her. My fiancé doesn't seem to understand this :(

OP posts:
redhat · 16/05/2016 09:55

You wil upset them both. It isn't worth it.

PurpleDaisies · 16/05/2016 10:06

Are you really tight on numbers? Surely one person doesn't make a huge difference, and you're likely to get some people not able to come anyway. How have you and your fiancé split the guest list between you?

LizardBreath · 16/05/2016 10:19

We gave all day guests a plus one. There was one newish girlfriend we didn't know (who was pleased to be invited and turned into ltr) the other 2 single ish people chose not to bring one and rsvp'd saying that. You know your guests best. We knew ours wouldn't take the p and just bring randoms.

Original poster
Remm89 · 16/05/2016 10:19

No we aren't tight on numbers - we haven't booked a venue yet. We spent the weekend drafting the guest list and working out rough budgets based on certain venues and caterers. Aiming for Spring 2017 in Somerset fingers crossed

The guest list is pretty small - I think there will be about 60-70 for the day. We both have small families and we work together so share co-workers :)

The close friend is one of his best friend's from secondary school and my fiancé wants to invite the group. Most of them are single but some are married/engaged and he said he plans on only inviting them (and no significant others).

OP posts:
LizardBreath · 16/05/2016 10:20

Sorry, just noticed they live together-she should definitely be invited then!

Original poster
Remm89 · 16/05/2016 10:40

Sorry just re-read the last post I made

My fiancé plans on inviting the engaged/married other halves but not the cohabiting ones.

OP posts:
maggiethemagpie · 16/05/2016 11:00

My personal rule was if they are living together they get a plus one. I'd only break this if they didn't know anyone else at the wedding, weddings are not much fun if you are there on your own and don't know any of the other guests.

IWILLgiveupsugar · 16/05/2016 11:11

Ask him what value he places on his friendship and if that value is more than the cost of her meal.

If he doesn't invite her he will alienate his friend. The friend might not say anything now but if he stays with his gf forever, she will always hold it against you that she was excluded.

I would also be wary of putting public value judgements on other people's relationships. Your fiance may believe that living together is a less serious relationship than being engaged but does he want to openly declare that to his friends who do live with their partners. All for the sake of buying her dinner.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 16/05/2016 11:18

I think you need to put your foot down OP, because if she's not invited it will be you who gets the blame and labelled a "bridezilla". For some reason brides always get the blame, never the groom.

Original poster
Remm89 · 16/05/2016 11:29

MilkTwo you are so right - it is always the bride that gets the blame and never the groom.

I will have to talk to him about it tonight again when he's home from work about it.

I personally don't think living together is less of a commitment, especially as they have been living together for several years longer than I have been dating my fiancé. They are an established couple in my mind.

I know you can never keep everyone happy when planning a wedding but I would be really upset if I was her and I just can't understand why my fiancé doesn't get it. I will try again to explain :)

OP posts:
PalaceResident · 16/05/2016 11:31

If she's his long term girlfriend even if they weren't living together I'd invite. I'd be totally offended if in that situation my partner didn't get an invite.

PurpleDaisies · 16/05/2016 11:31

I personally don't think living together is less of a commitment, especially as they have been living together for several years longer than I have been dating my fiancé. They are an established couple in my mind.
I agree-I have some good friends who have been a couple since 2002 but don't believe in marriage. Would they make it into the wedding as a couple? I think it's sad to devalue a relationship such as theirs because they don't want to marry.

Original poster
Remm89 · 16/05/2016 11:42

So according to my fiancé (and definitely not me!) he would only invite both of them if he considered both of them to be friends.

If he only considered one a friend and the other only an acquaintance, then he wouldn't invite the other half. :S

OP posts: