Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Plus One? How do you decide who gets one?

77 replies

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 09:12

Morning everyone!

Looking for some advice over an issue that cropped up over the weekend when discussing the guest list with my fiancé this weekend.

How do you decide which friends/family members get plus ones and which ones don't???

The issue has cropped up surrounding one of my fiancé's closest friend's girlfriend. They have been close friends since starting secondary school and will be organising the stag weekend along with the best man. This mate has a long term girlfriend who he lives with but they are not engaged/have kids.

I just assumed that we would invite both of them but my fiancé has turned round bluntly this weekend and said he doesn't want to pay for people that aren't close mates to either of us to come.

I don't really know what to do - I tried to explain that in that situation I would expect an invite (e.g cohabiting but not engaged) but he just didn't seem to understand.

AIBU? How do you decide who gets a plus one?

Any advice welcome :)

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 16/05/2016 12:02

"DP, I appreciate what you are saying about your friend's partner. However, it is socially unacceptable to exclude a long term co-habiting partner and it will have a negative impact on me as it is ingrained in society that the bride calls the shots regardless of the facts. Consequently X will be invited as I am not prepared to deal with the long-term fallout that will happen if we don't. I am asking you to consider me in this scenario."

Or words to that effect. Possibly.

Mrsfancyfanjango · 16/05/2016 13:07

IMO Longterm and cohabiting/married partners should get a plus one.

It is entirely up to the bride and groom who they invite of course and nobody is entitled to an invitation. You will more than likely cause great offence to both the friend and his girlfriend if you don't invite her though

Zina222 · 16/05/2016 13:30

I think it all sounds a bit strange to be honest. Why would he categorise someone differently for not being engaged/married when they are obviously committed enough to live together and have a long term relationship? I would be thinking that he doesn't like her for personal reasons, maybe she's done something in the past or he doesn't think she's good enough for his friend

Janeymoo50 · 16/05/2016 13:35

Do I know them, have I met them, have I been on even one night out with their partners and they've been there and we had a laugh?

That's what I did, I have several people coming on their own as quite simply I've never met their husbands etc. Tbf, they seemed fine about it and are all part of the same work colleagues group so I've put them on the same table anyway.

Plus, one of the plus ones I have invited, I went to their wedding so only fair.

BackforGood · 16/05/2016 13:57

I think the only time it's socially acceptable to invite one half only of an established couple (and living together makes you 'established' in my book), is if you were inviting a group of people that you see regularly (from a hobby or work colleagues) and you've not met their partners. Even then, I've been invited to several weddings with dh where I've never met either BorG, but they are close to him at work, but I think you could get away with it if they were coming as a group.

Not, however in this scenario. You need to tell him that he HAS to invite her, unless there is some serious issue with her and if there is, he needs to tell you what it is.

crunched · 16/05/2016 14:06

Zina222 I agree.
Seems like there must be some deeper reason to not invite such a close mates long term partner, especially when she is well known to the groom...

Original poster

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 14:19

I know - it is a bit weird isn't it?!?

I were drafting the guest list and I wrote their names down together as a given when we were discussing his mates.... I never even considered not inviting couples that live together.

I need to ask him more about it tonight. He is really close with the friend but never suggests meeting up with them as a couple.

I have only met her once properly and she seemed lovely :)

They were invited to our new year party but declined as she was working up in Manchester which I thought was fair enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 14:20

We were... I need to proof read!!

OP posts:

TheVillageTaxpayer · 16/05/2016 14:26

Your fiance, quite frankly, sounds like a stingy person who shouldn't be hosting a party if he begrudges guests their refreshments.

It is basic etiquette that both members of a committed couple are invited - they are a "social unit" whether or not the host knows both of them well. In today's world, cohabiting is one sign that a couple is a social unit.

I don't believe that every unmarried guest needs a plus-one and indeed I think they are generally over done - surely people can make it through a wedding without a buddy at their side. But in the case of married/engaged/cohabiting couples it's a social slap in the face to invite one without the other.

Host the party you can afford to freely offer your hospitality at, not a party where you have to be aware of every morsel of food and drop of drink that "strangers" might consume on your dime.

FinallyHere · 16/05/2016 14:35

This is something that i would want to know in advance about my partner, before getting married. I like entertaining and would not want to exclude anyone's partner, husband/wife or just friend. The whole point of a plus 1 is exactly to include the people you don't know well enough to invite personally but you recognise that it can be much more fun to 'bring someone'. If they are a couple, i would find it rude to exclude the partner.

I'd want to know my fiancee thinks like this, that you can invite just the people you 'want to pay for' regardless of their situation. I would not be friends with someone like this, never mind mingle fluids with them. HTH.

Original poster

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 14:37

I could be wrong but I don't think money is the main issue...having one extra won't break the bank.

Plus she is not a stranger to him....they went to school together and have loads of mutual friends....it's just clearly he doesnt see her as a friend!

OP posts:

irrepressibleRedhead · 16/05/2016 14:50

We only invited boyfriends/girlfriends we knew and liked. Married couples were both invited, but any other partners we took on a case by case basis as to how well we knew them. We only had one invitation stating "plus one" for a notoriously difficult family member.

Original poster

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 15:14

I going to insist we invite her tonight and keep you posted. I have a feeling it isn't going to budge....

OP posts:

IWILLgiveupsugar · 16/05/2016 15:44

Is it possible that your fiance used to date her at school or something, so feels it is inappropriate to invite her?

Original poster

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 16:05

Possibly but I would be surprised if that was the reason. He has been pretty honest about his previous relationships and can't see why he wouldn't have mentioned it before now.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 16/05/2016 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 21:36

I agree that she should be invited - it's my fiancé that doesn't want her to come!

So we have just talked about it over dinner…. he does not want her to be invited.

He feels very strongly that she will not only limit the enjoyment of his friend (i.e. he will be focused on making her happy and not enjoying the day for himself) but also negatively affect all that group of friends.

Apparently over the last 15 years she has managed to upset/insult pretty much everyone in that group of friends and her boyfriend has just turned a blind eye.

I really don't know what to do :(

I feel like I should give her benefit of the doubt…..but my other half is not having it!

OP posts:

IWILLgiveupsugar · 16/05/2016 22:30

Ultimately, it's his choice. They are his friends after all. If you've made it clear that he risks alienating his friend then there is nothing more to be said. Just don't take the blame if anyone asks.

bakeoffcake · 16/05/2016 22:38

Are the other friends in his group having a plus 1? If so then he should invite her, If they aren't then it's fine not to invite her.

Original poster

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 22:41

Only the ones that are married/engaged

OP posts:

CuntingDMjournos · 16/05/2016 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 23:02

I know :(

I feel like we should invite her just out of respect but he seems convinced that this will have a significantly negative impact on all that group of friends. We aren't having a huge wedding so any tension between multiple guests will be noticeable.

All that group are either single or have significant others who have become part of the group over the last few years with the only exception being this girlfriend in question.

I feel so torn - I would be gutted if this was me but my fiancé is so insistent that I don't know what I should now :(

Any advice??

OP posts:

Zina222 · 17/05/2016 06:51

If she has managed to offend most of the group, have they omitted her from other group things?

bakeoffcake · 17/05/2016 07:16

What sort of thing does she do to offend them?

Pollyputhtekettleon · 17/05/2016 07:18

Anyone living with their partner gets a plus one. That meant that only a few of my very young cousins didn't get one.

It would be very rude to not invite this guys long term girlfriend if they live together.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread