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Original poster

Plus One? How do you decide who gets one?

77 replies

Remm89 · 16/05/2016 09:12

Morning everyone!

Looking for some advice over an issue that cropped up over the weekend when discussing the guest list with my fiancé this weekend.

How do you decide which friends/family members get plus ones and which ones don't???

The issue has cropped up surrounding one of my fiancé's closest friend's girlfriend. They have been close friends since starting secondary school and will be organising the stag weekend along with the best man. This mate has a long term girlfriend who he lives with but they are not engaged/have kids.

I just assumed that we would invite both of them but my fiancé has turned round bluntly this weekend and said he doesn't want to pay for people that aren't close mates to either of us to come.

I don't really know what to do - I tried to explain that in that situation I would expect an invite (e.g cohabiting but not engaged) but he just didn't seem to understand.

AIBU? How do you decide who gets a plus one?

Any advice welcome :)

OP posts:

Pollyputhtekettleon · 17/05/2016 07:20

One caveat is work colleagues. You can invite a bunch of them without partners.

AHellOfABird · 17/05/2016 07:27

He should choose between none of the "school group" bringing their wives or fiancées, or all of them doing so and including her.

Which would he rather?

If his friend is hurt and doesn't come at all, or comes but is pissed off, then he won't have achieved his "fun for his friend" goal.

When the others in the group got married, was she invited? Were you?

DaisyFranceLynch · 17/05/2016 07:33

I don't think your fiancés argument is that convincing. It will limit the enjoyment of his friend a lot more to be at a wedding to which his girlfriend wasn't invited, and to know that is because nobody likes her. As for the rest of the group, it isn't too hard to avoid someone you find annoying in a group of 60-70 people (as long as you don't put them on the same table at dinner - if you have a sit-down wedding breakfast, there any way you can mix up groups of friends and coworkers?)

It may be that the girlfriend will find an excuse to decline the invitation anyway, if she doesn't get on with the rest of the group and doesn't think she will feel comfortable. But at least you and your fiancé will have done the right thing and not risked alienating a close friend.

IWILLgiveupsugar · 17/05/2016 07:34

I think you should let him do what he wants because they are his group of friends and he knows the dynamic better than you. I can see why, in a small wedding he would only want people thwre that he actually likes. It's hard to hide her in the crowd if it is a smaller crowd! I think you do need to point out to him that what he is doing is a very public statement of dislike and will probably result in him losing that friendship, but then let him decide. Would he choose to go to a wedding where you had been deliberately snubbed? It sounds like because this woman is a pita, he's not understanding that his mate loves her and ultimately his loyalty will be with her.

I do think what she has done in the past is important too. If her behaviour has been very bad then not inviting is the lesser of two evils and possibly her boyfriend will see why she has been excluded. Weddings are a minefield.

Only1scoop · 17/05/2016 07:39

Awful not to invite he if they live together and he's been involved with sorting stag do etc.

YouMakeMyDreams · 17/05/2016 07:42

We invited everyone that was in a relationship and we had 3 of our close circle that were single well one was in a newish relationship. Although a lot of friends would be there it can be pretty miserable spending the day at a wedding without someone so we gave those 3 a plus one. 2 took someone and both women were lovely.
Tbh I think you fiance is being a bit weird. He will hopefully to be too busy on yhem day to care or notice what the friendship dynamic is like and if the other friends are bringing partners then it will be this one friend on his own. I'd go for stuck record approach and just tell him she was coming. How would he feel if it was him and you were left out?

Biffsboys · 17/05/2016 07:55

Living long term with someone is as good as being married ? Is it possible his friend has asked for her not to be invited??

anotherdayanothersquabble · 17/05/2016 07:57

Everyone invited to our wedding got a plus one. There is a lot of standing around at weddings and making small talk and it can be awkward for people on their own surrounded by couples.

If they are in a relationship it takes time out of their weekends together in addition to the stag do etc. If they stay together, it could make things awkward in the future if you don't invite her.

Original poster

Remm89 · 17/05/2016 08:12

So his reasoning is that he is now good mates with all the other partners and we socialise with them all regularly.

Concerning to the 2 previous weddings.....neither this friend or girlfriend were invited. Apparently the girlfriend used to be close to one of the brides but they fell out a few years ago and have never made up.

My understanding is that they are often left out of couple events and then he is invited to the lad nights out.

The thing is.... I haven't actually heard that she has ever done anything horrible. I asked why she fell out with the last bride and my fiance said something about new years eve ..... but then couldn't actually say anything else.

I have met this girl once and she seemed lovely. Bubbly and chatty .... and its clear that her boyfriend adores her. I saw him about a month ago and he spent a good chunk of time saying how proud he was of her getting a promotion.....I would be shocked if he was about to end it!

Do you think I should message her??

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 17/05/2016 08:14

If she's the only uninvited partner in the group then it seems awful not to invite her.

Only1scoop · 17/05/2016 08:16

Just because he's not 'good mates' with her seems childish.

I've been invited to weddings with Dp where I barely know the couple.

AHellOfABird · 17/05/2016 08:19

Err, no, what would you say if he messaged her?

Sounds like both of them have missed prior weddings, possible she wasn't invited and he then opted not to go?

Does your fiancé understand that he might not be making his friend happy with this decision?

Original poster

Remm89 · 17/05/2016 08:21

I know....but what else I can say or do??

I've told him that I would expect to be invited in her position and he just doesn't seem to get it.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 17/05/2016 08:22

Erm

Say 'well I've decided I'd like to invite her'

Original poster

Remm89 · 17/05/2016 08:23

I don't think he understands he is likely to upset his mate by not inviting her....but I have tried to explain this and to no avail.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 17/05/2016 08:23

How have you resolved stand offs before? This now seems to be about more than one guest on the guest list.

Original poster

Remm89 · 17/05/2016 08:27

He said no as it will cause friction between his friends and that his mate will be focused on her and not join in celebrations.

He seems to think his friend will come without her and have more fun that way..... tried saying it might not come at all if he doesnt invite his other half but he looked blankly at me and said he wouldn't miss it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Remm89 · 17/05/2016 08:30

We don't often clash and when we have in the past normally we leave it a few hours and then discuss why we felt upset calmly and apologise :)

The issue is around this girlfriend.... most of his mates are single and know each other well so we think they don't need plus ones :)

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 17/05/2016 08:31

Your DF needs to perhaps grow up a little.

All sounds slightly childish.

'He'll have more fun without her

Be concentrating on her etc'

So what!!

PamBagnallsGotACollage · 17/05/2016 08:34

If they're a couple they should be invited together- named on the invitation, not as a plus one. A plus one is a term for 'bring someone so you're not on your own.' If you know the person has a partner they should be invited.

Weddings are about love. It's a bit weird to have a massive event to celebrate love because you think it's so important and then to snub someone else's relationship by way of not inviting both people in a couple.

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 17/05/2016 08:35

If we know the partner and have met them, they are named.

If we haven't met the partner but know they're together, the person gets a +1.

If the person is single and we know they'd be sitting with people they don't know very well, they get a +1.

If the person is just coming to the evening do (work colleagues etc), no +1.

In a couple of cases with our guests we've invited the person we know to the day, and then their +1 or partner invited to the evening do.

That's what we're doing anyway (getting married in Decembrr). I think in your shoes I'd say invite her.

User543212345 · 17/05/2016 08:51

I think if you invite him you have to invite her too. To not include her is such a public snub to both of them I'm not sure it wouldn't adversely affect the friendship between your fiancé and the chap.

For our wedding we had 30 guests. Everyone in a couple was invited as part of one even if we barely knew the partner. It seems really odd and rude, in my opinion, to ask people to come to an event to celebrate your relationship whilst effectively saying you don't think theirs is important.

When DH and I had been living together for 6 months he received an invitation to a wedding without me and it transpired, like in this case, that I was the only partner excluded. DH was really, really upset by this and declined the invitation which opened up WW3 with all his friends telling him that nobody liked me - something neither of us knew until this point (not dissimilar to this situation?). It culminated in DH and I walking away from that group of friends - he had known them for 15 years but he couldn't get over the hurt of them not respecting his choice in me. It was heartbreaking for both of us and still causes the odd ripple in our relationship today. Please don't put the other couple through this. She is his choice and whether you like her or not is irrelevant. He loves her and if your fiancé is his friend that should be more than enough.

MrsWembley · 17/05/2016 09:46

It all comes down to whether or not you will be sad if this couple cut you and your DP out of their lives.

As his friend and so his side of the guest list, it is ultimately his decision, but if it were me, I'd be telling him, if you do this, this will happen. Whether or not he believes you is immaterial, at least you gave him the information about how people actually behave and tried to get him to realise his own ideas are fanciful at the least!

If his friend is so enamoured of his partner that he would spend your wedding day entirely wrapped up in her, then this kind of snub will not be ignored. Your DP will lose a friend. The only question is, how much do you care?

amymb86 · 17/05/2016 19:56

We invited all boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands as long as they were together when we sent the save the dates (about 9 months prior) as we had already accounted for numbers. We didn't give single guests plus ones unless they didn't know anybody else or very few people (which was a very small handful). It may have seemed harsh but I wouldn't expect a plus one if I was single. Xxx

Original poster

Remm89 · 18/05/2016 08:15

I'm so sorry Sweary that happened to you :(

Your similar story has made me realise that I can't let this go. I have a feeling that this other girl hasn't done anything wrong and that the group just don't like her.... when I asked my fiance for an example of how she has upset people he couldn't actually give me one and quickly changed the topic.

I guess personally I would not be affected too much either way if my fiance and his friend parted ways but I know my fiance would be gutted. He is one of his closest mates and have managed to say in touch despite living over 100 miles apart for the last 5 years.

Just trying to think what else I could do..... maybe host a party and invite them all???

OP posts:

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