Would you accept this money?

[money26]

I live alone and am sort of seeing a guy (it’s complicated) for a while, we’ve known each other a long time
he earns more than me and is living with his parent while he saves to buy a house (I already own)
his parent won’t allow visitors so he always comes to mine on average twice a week. He’s said as I cook, he uses my hot water for showers, drinks out the fridge, snacks, food etc he feels like he should pay something towards things and has offered £100pm

I cook usually as I enjoy it but if we get a takeaway he pays and will bring sweets/chocolate for me

I feel £100pm is too much, he says he doesn’t want to be a drain on me

That’s thoughtful of him, and not paying over the odds. What’s your concern?

Yes of course he should be contributing!

Good of him to think about it tbh. Makes a difference from all the cocklodger stories normally on here

I would suggest a figure you feel is more appropriate - do you have a water/smart meter to give to a general idea of what his use of utilities is costing? - if you feel £100 is too much.

If he insists, use the excess to pay for meals out/takeaways/bottle of wine/posh snacks for both of you to enjoy.

Edited for typos and phrasing

Sounds like a keeper...maybe if he only comes twice a week he could bring some food if you think 100£ is too much ?

He really is and very thoughtful
yes i have a water meter and electric/gas - my point with the hot water is we shower together so it’s not really using much extra!

food/drink wise we are talking a pack of Aldi biscuits, a couple of cans of pop and a portion of whatever I’m cooking - cottage pie more than steak!

take the money

I might suggest a lower figure and see if that works. I don’t mind buying the food as I know what I’m cooking/need etc if that makes sense whereas he’s no clue whether I’ve got beef in the freezer

he doesn’t cook, I love it so he’s instructed to stay out the way while I do

I just feel it’s too much for a few biscuits and some cans of pop plus a cheap meal
he earns about 10k more than me

I think it’s fine. £25 a week in food and utilities isn’t much. Even less in a 5 week month:
Why don’t you take it and save it if you think it’s too much, don’t tell him and you could treat you both to a little weekend away after a year or treat you both to a few more takeaways or days out or something nice for his house once he’s bought it. Or put it into a savings account to put towards your future together
I don’t think you need to do that, but maybe that will make you feel better about it.

It's good that he offered without asking.
It's a decent contribution without being excessive.
He can easily afford it.
He ought to be contributing something.
I'd say "yes please that would be appreciated, thanks".

The thing about you always cooking because he just "doesn't" is not just about the cost of ingredients. It's also your time and effort. I'm not saying he should pay you for cooking as such, but it's nice to have a reciprocal gesture that conveys appreciation and there's no reason that shouldn't be a financial one in this situation.

not the point but I could not ever be with a man who never cooked for me

That’s £25 a week for hot home cooked meals, snacks, and showers. I think that’s fair. Even a cottage pie can’t be made for much less than £10 by the time you’ve accounted for electricity. It shows respect and appreciation and if you’re uncomfortable save it and treat him to a weekend away or nicer food or a bottle of wine.

Personally, if he is this thoughtful, he will reciprocate any which way. It's the ones who are not, that one needs to keep tabs with. If I were you I would just ask him to bring a bottle of wine/fruit/chocolate. Paying for a takeaway or two a month will probably cover your expenses anyway.

I think £100 probably covers increased costs if you actually worked it all out, or might not even - but then he is getting takeaways as well.

Unless he has significant other expenses in maintaining your relationship (long distance and he does all the travelling) then I'd happily accept the £100pm.

Take it and run. It's so rare to meet a thoughtful guy like this enjoy it.

He is offering £25 a week. That’s basically the cost of a takeaway or a couple of home-made meals. I certainly wouldn’t be looking at a lesser figure.

It’s probably costing you more than 100! But I wouldn’t feel okay taking it even though it would be totally fine to do so - I’d probably say why don’t you use it to take us out for nice dinner/night away etc every so often instead.

I wouldn’t want to take the £100 especially as he he pays for a takeaway , chocolates etc. it shows a very considerate guy.

I’d be suggesting he contributes by bringing snacks with him. If he turns up every time with some crisps/nibbles/cans of pop/beers to share then it’ll probably even out as fair.

This is a nice idea. The big 'treat' 🙂

Take the money, OP.

Are you sure he lives with his parents.

Get a dedicate Visa card (or similar), just for spends on jointly enjoyed food.

Pay card bill 50/50 each month, plus a bit extra for utilities. It’s transparent and fair cos u can show him the bill.

Would that work?

That’s £23 a week and like he said he’s using your hot water etc. Presumably also using towels that need washing etc etc. It’s really not that much if it makes him feel more comfortable. Why don’t you just suggest he treats you to a date night once a month instead?

Yes, it's good that he's offered to contribute to the costs of him being there more than 25% of the month.

You think it's too much because someone has taught you to devalue domestic labour and services. Are you afraid to he's going to run if you take money? You're providing your home and home cooked food and you think that's nothing?

This guy lives with his parents and he's glad to get out of their house to yours. I think £100 is pretty cheap for someone spending more than 25% of the month there with you cooking and cleaning.

At least he's not a cocklodger.

Hell yes I would in today's climate!! He sounds like a thoughtful man to consider that having him over is impacting your outgoings

I'm afraid the sheer fact he's not permitted to bring visitors even to his own bedroom at his parents house is extremely odd. The fact he would tolerate that as a living arrangement for a grown man.

It's just not normal is it? Most 17 year olds would kick up a stink if they weren't allowed overnight visitors at least sometimes. And most four year olds are allowed friends round during the day?!

Have you seen his house? Is it definitely just his parents he lives with? I'd be thinking he's either married or he's way too enmeshed and infantilised by his parents.