Would you accept this money?

[money26]

I live alone and am sort of seeing a guy (it’s complicated) for a while, we’ve known each other a long time
he earns more than me and is living with his parent while he saves to buy a house (I already own)
his parent won’t allow visitors so he always comes to mine on average twice a week. He’s said as I cook, he uses my hot water for showers, drinks out the fridge, snacks, food etc he feels like he should pay something towards things and has offered £100pm

I cook usually as I enjoy it but if we get a takeaway he pays and will bring sweets/chocolate for me

I feel £100pm is too much, he says he doesn’t want to be a drain on me

She’s never allowed anyone round even when he was a child so it’s not a new rule, he’s lived with it all his life

I mean I wasn’t asking if I should dump him or not so I don’t have to change my mindset on that
the question was about the money, not about whether we should split up

Money aside…..you should certainly introduce him to cooking! There’s no reason that he can’t learn….start with getting him to chop the onions and take it from there. There’s is no way I’d live with someone who doesn’t cook. It makes no sense to me! You are in the strongest position now to level out that playing field….you may prefer to cook but down the line it is so nice to be able to count on the other person to have dinner on the table when you come in late from a long day.

I’m not sure if we will live together, I like my own space

he can cook, he just has the attention span of a gnat with it. But he can do things on toast, oven or slow cooker stuff, stir fry etc so not totally incapable!
i genuinely really enjoy cooking and find it relaxing but hate washing up so it works well

He sounds like a keeper!

Tell him to keep the money so he can save up quicker for his own place

my point with the hot water is we shower together

Am I the only one who thinks that's odd?

I wouldn’t take the money, not for 2 nights a week and unless you are struggling to pay food and bills

I would suggest that he continues to get the takeaways / bring wine / occasionally pick up steak or a litre of Hagen Dazs or whatever you both like.

100% credit to him for acknowledging and offering though.

i wouldnt take the money, he doesn’t live with you and its only 2 nights a week i wouldnt accept money

Ha sorry it’s just our thing. It’s nice to talk and connect, I wash his back, he washes my hair. Intimacy I guess but not sexual

I’d take the contribution with grace and encourage him to save for his own place to live.

I think it’s lovely that he doesn’t want to see you out of pocket, a good sign given that he’s living with parents and important to set boundaries before potentially living together. I’d take the money (speaking as someone who ended up with a man who didn’t pay his way previously!). £100 is actually a good deal for him to have some private space with you and dinner cooked, snacks etc.

It’s £12 per visit for water, electricity, food and cooking. Just take the £12 🙄

Ewwww no sorry , I’m going to put a fly in the ointment here - the fact he can’t ( apparently) bring people home , and that he is therefore suggesting a cash transaction would make me supremely uncomfortable. Why isn’t he taking you out for meals ( is it a small town/ he’s worried about being seen?). Your heart is obviously in the right place - I’m not convinced his is . If he earns so much more than you skip the small contributions “ towards you cooking and heat/ electric” etc and suggest instead he treats you to a weekend away. I feel something is definitely awry here.

I think this is quite a nice offer. I don’t think his situation is necessarily a red flag, particularly if you’ve known him a long time. Some peoples parents are awful!

Personally, I would ask him to keep the money but to help out with more things and to do things which takes some of the mental load off you, like coming with a shop.

Or if you’re uncomfortable with it, you could suggest that he keeps that money and pays for a weekend away for the pair of you at some point.

We do go out for meals/coffee and he pays or we go to the supermarket/bakery. He’s absolutely fine with being seen with me and we are going to plan a holiday (I have pets so it takes a bit of organising)
it’s not apparently - he told me about these rules over 13 years ago way before we were anything at all!

we are both very much homebody people so don’t go out much. We earned similar which is why this has come up now due to a new job and a 10k pay increase

You seem to be convenient for him given how he is treating your home.

I am sorry but I have yet to see any man who lives with his mother who can hold down a healthy relationship with a girlfriend.

and why would it be outing on fb?.

How does he explain you to his mother?. Does his mother know about you?. How is she going to react to him going on holiday with you? Do you honestly think he will ever move out and what happens when she dies?. clandestine sounds all very exciting but is this really going anywhere?

He stays there too because it suits him to do so. Between his mother and you he has it well made and you could well get hurt here.

12.50 a day for getting kept ? It's not too much.

Yes he’s moved out before and had a mortgage by himself and also previously lived with a girlfriend. She knows about me, I’ve heard him on the phone before to her. He says “I’m off out to see X, back later”
It’s not clandestine at all, we are going to meet for coffee or a meal but she doesn’t allow anyone in her house. I don’t know about when she dies, he won’t be living there then and she’s only 63
it is very much temporary, he is actively saving to move out and has some savings from the sale of his last house to use towards a deposit

without being outing it was hmm, similar to someone having a breakdown plus a physical injury, being unable to work and moving back home (it wasn’t a breakdown but it’s the closest thing I can say)

He also treats my home with respect. He cleans up, asks before he eats or drinks anything, washes up, wipes the surfaces, cleans out the fridge, sprays the shower down after use etc but very much acts as a guest

She has a long standing hold over him and he could well remain there for many years yet. You do not mention his father so I am presuming he is not around. She may well have made him make some promise to look after her or something. He and she could well be enmeshed. Do not readily assume that he won’t be living there when she dies either. He’s not going to live with you permanently at least whilst she’s alive. And it’s also going to take a lot of money to move out, money he simply does not have or will
take years to save. He could well use her as an excuse to not move in with or get any more serious with you.

This is really going nowhere and I think you’re being taken advantage of.

What is he to you also; he seems to be some combo of a guest, a boyfriend and a long time friend?. Where is this going in your eyes?.

He sounds great !
Accept his offer graciously.

He's definitely a keeper, if you feel that £100 is too much £50 sounds reasonable or go shopping together and let him pay once in a while.
Good luck with that relationship

That’s not the situation at all. I cannot go into it further out of respect for him but it was move home or no other option due to the physical and other health needs (him, not her)

there’s no hold there, he moved out at 18 originally, and has only been back at home for a couple of years now due to the huge crisis that happened

financially it’ll be another 12-24 months and then he will be buying a house alone

we have agreed he will pay the money into an account which I have access to and I can use it as I want. He said if I don’t want to use it monthly just leave it there and use it for any emergencies

This post is evidence that for some people, a man can never do anything right.