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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DH slapped DD last night - point of no return?

97 replies

cornishblue · 08/03/2010 11:23

DD (12.5) has been difficult latelyd and yesterday it all came to a shouty head with her being unbelievably rude and stroppy. DH flipped and slapped her.

He didn't apolgise - was unrepentant at least last night - and snapped at me for telling him he'd crossed a line and I couldn't support that kind of parenting.

He was calmer this morning but didn't see DD and won't now until tomorrow after school.

I hope to God he hasn't done irreparable damage to her self-esteem and their relationship. What can I do? They are as stubborn as each other.

OP posts:

StephysFamous · 08/03/2010 11:35

I totally agree he crossed a line, how dare he snap at you? He must have realised he had done wrong?
Don't let him leave apologising until tomorrow, he could always phone her and then apologise to her face when he does see her.
I think if she accepts his apology she could get over it but he is going to have to do a lot of groveling.

Original poster

cornishblue · 08/03/2010 11:45

My thoughts exactly Stephy.

Thing is, I don't think he's prepared to grovel. He said last night that she deserved it, doesn't think a slap will do her any harm and expects her to apologise for her behaviour. I do too, it was totally unacceptable, but she wasn't even ready to apologise to me this morning so it'll be a cold day in hell before she says anything to him.

I hope he feels differently today.

OP posts:

ReneRusso · 08/03/2010 11:49

Well, it's not great, but don't see it as the end of the world. All you can do is encourage them to sit down and have a talk. Sounds like they both need to apologise. Is DH now prepared to admit he was wrong to slap her?

Bonsoir · 08/03/2010 11:52

I don't think that your DH has to apologise; I think your DD has to apologise.

It is very wrong to let children/teens get away with rudeness and it is quite all right to show them, very occasionally, that their behaviour is so bad that their parents lose their self-control when faced with appalling behaviour.

3littlefrogs · 08/03/2010 11:55

I agree that they both need to apologise. I am not condoning him slapping her, but she needs to have some boundaries set now, because otherwise her behaviour will get worse - more so if she feels she has "won" IYSWIM.

She should NOT get away with being rude and stroppy. If she does, she will be unbearable in a couple of years.

shonaspurtle · 08/03/2010 12:02

My dad slapped me when I was about 13/14. I'd been really rude to my mum - completely crossed a boundary.

It shocked me, shocked him. I can't remember if he apologise or not (probably not).

All I can remember about it now is that my behaviour at the time was vile. His reaction underlined the vileness as he's the least likely man to ever raise his hand to anyone.

Didn't affect our relationship in the least.

wannaBe · 08/03/2010 12:03

haven't most of us crossed that line? Albeit with younger children. Obv not everyone (so don't shoot me) but I bet that if you quizzed parents the majority have smacked/slapped a child at least once - even parents that don't advocate smacking as a form of discipline.

I think to suggest that he has done irreparable damage is a bit ott tbh.

If your dd hasn't apologised for her behavior then clearly even a slap hasn't had any impact, so I would focus on that rather than expecting your dh to apologise. he's entitled to think that he hasn't done anything wrong if her behavior has been that bad.

And then I would focus on her behavior and impose some sanctions. If shouting/a slap haven't worked what else can you try? Grounding/removal of mobile phone/computer/games console/other privilages?

Heated · 08/03/2010 12:08

Agree, I think you need to show that you are very disappointed with both sets of behaviour, but the issue of your dh's loss of temper in the face of provocation is something you discuss together as a couple, as in, "I know she was absolutely provoking but can we agree we won't go down that path with her?"

You don't want your soon-to-be teenage dd knowing she has the power to cause such division and you and dh need to feel you can back each other up in future parenting decisions. None of us are perfect, all make mistakes especially when temper is involved and it's saying ok, that's not the route to go, so what is? And feeling you have a plan of action for next time.

Then with dd, dh can say that he shouldn't have reacted as he did but you are in no way taking back-chat from her (presenting a united front). It is disrespectful and rude, you really feel let down.

notyummy · 08/03/2010 12:09

This is so difficult. I have a vivid memory of my Dad basically clipping my ear when I was 14 (following me nicking booze from the house, lying and generally being FOUL.) He lost it - and he is/was a king man and a great dad.

It's not all one sided. Your DD needs to see that her behaviour is wholly unacceptable and lose some serious privledges - not just see that she has wound up her Dad so much that he has flipped and so she 'wins'.

That said, DH also need to acknowledge that his behaviour was inappropriate (prob through an apology.)

rasputin · 08/03/2010 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rasputin · 08/03/2010 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShowOfHands · 08/03/2010 12:13

They both need to apologise. She needs to understand that her Dad lost control and her behaviour though not the cause of or deserving of his physical anger, is contributing to his unhappiness and ability to work with her to make everybody happy.

DH and I met as teenagers and I remember MIL slapping him once. It was in a packed supermarket carpark. He didn't deserve anything like that level of anger anyway and she apologised, they talked and it actually helped them set new boundaries and ways of communicating.

It's not a point of no return but it is a point you want to work hard not to return to iyswim.

intercoursethepenguin · 08/03/2010 12:13

I'd be more inclined to support your husband. Never ever apologise to girls of this age for reactions that their unacceptable behaviour has provoked.

Heated · 08/03/2010 12:15

Rasputin makes a v good point, if dh can't/doesn't want to say the words then your dd will understand a hug.

pagwatch · 08/03/2010 12:16

I don't agree with smacking but I have to question what has happened to date that means your 12 year old is being shouty, rude and stroppy without either of you being able to stop it?
My DS1 is 16. I would not tolerate that behaviour from him - why is your 12 year old behaving so badly? Are you really getting invlved with shouting matches with your child?

I can echo the other stories on here . Kind, gentle dad slapped me once when I was 15 for calling my mother 'stupid'. He felt terrible, I felt terrible.
I still loved him as much as I knew I had behaved appallingly.

escondida · 08/03/2010 12:38

How do you stop your child from being "shouty, rude and stroppy", Pagwatch?

Original poster

cornishblue · 08/03/2010 12:41

OK so maybe it isn't that awful. He is a good Dad but is totally at a loss as to how to deal with her at the moment. I am too at times, it has all come about so suddenly. But I can't support him unless I can be sure the slap was a one-off and not setting a precedent.

She was throwing a strop at the sanctions we had imposed after several weeks of bad behaviour that we would never have thought possible a few months ago. School have confirmed that a couple of her friends are disruptive in and out of class and she seems to be following their lead.

OP posts:

rasputin · 08/03/2010 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/03/2010 12:45

It is a difficult one.

However I think you need to address your dd's behaviour. I am with pagwatch - why has she been allowed to become rude and mouthy.

You will set a precedent for her continuing to behave like this if you kick up a fuss and are visibly seen to support your dd in this.

Not to say I condone your DH slapping her, however if he has never slapped her before and this is completely abnormal behvaiour for him, you do need to address why ypur daughter is behavng like that.

pagwatch · 08/03/2010 12:46

well
What we did was if DS1 was upset and talked we would talk with him. If he was rude and shouty he would go to his room to contemplate how he wished to express himself in a reasonable way.

Quite simple really. It also works with DS2 who has profound SN so my assumption is that clear boundaries can usually be applied to most comprehending teenagers.

Original poster

cornishblue · 08/03/2010 12:47

Thinking about it DD has crossed far more lines than DH in recent days.

We are doing all we can to stop it, pagwatch, we are both appalled by what is going on.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/03/2010 12:47

Rasputin raises a good point - if he slapped her round the face I would be furious actually. There is something so horrible and humlitating about being slapped aroiund the face by anyone.

I am assuming that the OP refers to a slap on the arm or something.

MeMySonAndI · 08/03/2010 12:52

If he has never done it before, I doubt that this will set him in a trail of battering his own children. Honest.

Your DD needs some boundaries though, and ASAP.

pagwatch · 08/03/2010 12:53

cornish
is it out of the blue for her then?
Do you think she could be acting out because of something? Or do you think it is just an escalation and she is pushing things?

They are two different things really but each hard to deal with in there own way.

Poor you.

Original poster

cornishblue · 08/03/2010 12:55

She hasn't been "allowed to become rude and mouthy", this is a recent development. But I don't think I've been tough enough about stopping discussions with her when she gets stroppy. But I will from now on.

I'm not visibly supporting DD in this, not at all. I just said to her that she had clearly made DH very very angry with her vile behaviour and she should think about that.

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