DH slapped DD last night - point of no return?

[cornishblue]

DD (12.5) has been difficult latelyd and yesterday it all came to a shouty head with her being unbelievably rude and stroppy. DH flipped and slapped her.

He didn't apolgise - was unrepentant at least last night - and snapped at me for telling him he'd crossed a line and I couldn't support that kind of parenting.

He was calmer this morning but didn't see DD and won't now until tomorrow after school.

I hope to God he hasn't done irreparable damage to her self-esteem and their relationship. What can I do? They are as stubborn as each other.

[optimisticmumma]

Sympathies from me too OP. I have 3 teenagers and I have to say I am shocked that some of the previous posters think it's OK for your DH not to apologise to your DD for the slap. He can surely do this in a way that enables him at the same time to explain how far she pushed him? Of course she must apologise too but he is the adult and he must realise he needs to stay in control.They really need to sit down together and talk it out. That said I don't think there will be any lasting damage if this is a one-off. Teenagers are sometimes extremely difficult to 'control'. If it were as simple as sending a teenager to their room and them complying it would be easy wouldn't it? Our DD was particularly difficult in Y7 when she was trying to make new friends and impress her peers etc. It did get easier...

[cornishblue]

optimistic - Yes DD can be horribly in-your-face when she's really wound up - won't leave the room, won't get in the car, etc and it is vile.

DH just called and says he's going to talk to her tomorrow.

[optimisticmumma]

That's great! IME you have to walk away and leave her to it until she calms down. They just want the audience and the last word. If you get drawn in it just escalates! God, the theory is easy isn't it?? As you say it's a rollercoaster of emotions and hormones at this age!

[cornishblue]

Had a chat with her myself this evening and churned out the speech about talking with respect. Turns out she doesn't even realise how rude she sounds sometimes.

She had a good day at school, and she even brought home an excellent mark from an English test, so there is hope!

[cornishblue]

Oh how awful for you

Is your relationship better now?

[AnyFucker]

my teenage dd frustrates the hell out of me

they certainly know which buttons to press

she also does that thing where she follows me around the house, nagging about something she wants, hoping to change my mind by using mental fucking torture !

OP, I don't think this is a point of no return, but your DH does really need to take a good, hard look at his reaction to the button-pressing

[ajandjjmum]

cornishblue
She's obviously working hard at school. I remember dd saying to me several years ago that she can't be nice all of the time.
Shame we always seem to get the hormones at home!

[cornishblue]

second - poor you, it sounds horrible. Would you send her aay again? DH occasionally threatens DD with boarding school...

AnyFucker- she is a champion button-presser, and yes I will definitely talk to DH about how he deals with it.

AJandJ - she isn't making much effort at school - she finds English easy hence the good mark, but in other subjects she has barely been paying attention in class and has had some terrible marks. It's frustrating because she is more than capable of doing better. She did say yesterday that her friends' parents have imposed sanctions and threats too so they are all on their best behaviour. So she says, anyway

[ajandjjmum]

It would be interesting to know what sanctions and threats her friends' parents have imposed - as it's obviously working!

[cornishblue]

Well they are all, as far as I understand it, banned from meeting up out of school. The worse culprit is threatened with boarding school, and as her brother has just been expelled from their school and will probably be boarding from Sept, she is taking it seriously.

As well as grounding, we have banned computer time completely and all phone calls before homework is finished, have instructed her to get the latest possible bus to school and earliest bus home to reduce the amount of messing about time available, and confiscated various items including her mobile.

All on a time limit that can be shortened or extended according to results.

[deaddei]

Oh I sympathise.
Sometimes dd will say "you'd love to slap my face wouldn't you- but you can't" which makes me so cross. (because it's true)
I have learnt to walk away and go "nah, nah, nah" in my head, just so I can go and seethe somewhere quietly- then face her when I am calm.
Perhaps we should all hold hands for the next 5 years

[LouIsOnAHighwayToHell]

I have to agree with others who say that he should not have to apologise. Yes violence is not the answer but he snapped. My mother slapped me and I have never forgotten it. Not because she hit me but because I remember how vile I was being to her. Hopefully this is the wakeup call.

[pagwatch]

said

I do think it is straightforward in principal but in practice, we love our children, we want the bad stuff to stop but we hate being strict and hate the tension.

I hate it when my DS looks at me and I know he is thinkiing what a cow I am.
But I just drew a line early and he sticks to it. The line allows him room to say what he thinks but in reasonable tone of voice and without rudeness.
Butthen I am never rude to him and DH and I argue but don't fight IYSWIM.
I have never believed that you can tell someone you love that they are a fucking wanker without it chipping away at how you feel about each other.

I think the worst mistake is to let things go and find that suddenly you are fighting a mountain of attitude.
I also believe in talking about things away from the situation and we have loads of suppers together and family chats where we agree stuff before it gets narky.
i also have always been really really talented at knowing exactly what is the worst thing that could possibly be the punishment for my particular child. No point punishing DS1 with grounding as he couldn't care less. But take his lap top away...

I sound like a real twat I know. But I grew up with lots of arguements and people saying horrible things to each other. It diminishes you in the end. So I won't have it. And our home life is not perfect but it is pretty bloody great.
But of course that is just us. Other people can shout at each other and it is fine for all of them. We are just not like that

[AnyFucker]

We also speak to each other with respect in this house

And we have a zero tolerance policy

Every incidence of stepping over a well-signposted line is acknowledged and dealt with

I am constantly amazed how some parents let their children talk to them...but also how they talk to them

We are very strict, and I guess that more permissive families would say we don't discuss things enough

However, if you know what you are/are not willing to tolerate and make it crystal-clear and consistent...then what is there to discuss ?

My dd14 does tell us we are stricter than her friends parents, but once or twice, in an unguarded moment, she has said she prefers it that way

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Totally agree pag.

Verbal nastiness is all pervading and lingers. I was not spoken to with any respect when I was growing up. I did not want to have dd grow up like that either.

I try and speak to everyone with respect - dp as well. Some people speak like shit to their husbands. It all rubs off.

DD does get annoyed and she does give me looks, and mytters under her breath. But she knows that I would not have her call me a twat, or say that she hated me. God knows what I would do in that case actually. I think that I have been incrediubly lucky in that she was born good natured, and apart from a few outbursts she has been easy really.

Teenagers need just as much attention and care as very small kids I think, perhaps more. FWIW I have always been a FT wohm and have been fine with it, however if I could give up work for the next couple of years I would. DD needs me now more than ever. It is very easy to think that because they can make themselves dinner, dress themselves and entertain themselves for hours they are self sufficient. I don't think this is the case and teens need a lot of TLC as emotionally they are all over the place.

Or perhaps dd is secretly wishing that I would piss off and leave her to eat her dinner in peace!

I am quite strict - dd is not allowed out on a weeknight, she is allowed itno the city at weekends but only for a purpose and had to be back at 6, she has to eat dinner with us, internet and telly in her room goes off at 7.30. But I think this is nice strict as opposed to draconian.

And yes pag re tailoring the punishments. DD was cheeky some time back and I confiscated her phone and laptop for an entire weekend. She learned a good lesson from that one.

[cornishblue]

I agree wholeheartedly. But how to deal with DD when something isn't going her way and she closes off behind sarcasm, defiance and a nasty tone is really tough.

She is doing it this evening. She desperately wants back some of the things we confiscated and tonight, yet again, she is resorting to stroppiness to achieve it.

[Roxylox]

Sounds a really stressful situation for all involved . You mention restricting/conviscating things from her - does she have a clear idea of how to gain these things back? (Beyond - stop being such a stroppy little mare!) Faced with what she may perceive as a situation she cannot "win", escalation is her only way out. She'll push buttons in the hope the spotlight will shine on someone else's misdemeanours... I think your husband's slap was wrong - whatever the provocation, but played right, it was a gift to your daughter. God that all sounds cynical was a bitch of a teenager rather bright when I was younger...

[AnyFucker]

cb, we went off on a tangent there...it was general musing though I think...not directed at you

re. the sarcasm, defiance and nasty tone...don't engage

tell her you will have an adult convo when she can act like one

however, still don't give her the stuff back until you have said you would..if you cave in now for an easy, more pleasant atmosphere, you take 2 steps back

[pagwatch]

definately not aimed at you Cornish - I was musing because I was asked a question further back.

But agree with AnyFucker, although should add that if she was using sarcasm on me she would wake up to find all her nice clothes gone and a couple of M&S tracksuits in their place.. ( yes. I did...)

[FaustWithAFlipChart]

This is bizarre.

If a man slapped his girlfriend or his wife, you'd all be up in arms about violence and abusive men never changing.

Yet a man can do it to his daughter and he was provoked and it was her fault.

[cornishblue]

We were pretty clear - we said 2 weeks, give or take depending on behaviour and results at school. I also said we were always willing to talk and negotiate provided she stayed civil. Maybe the give or take was a mistake?

She tried sob tactics earlier - I need my [coveted item] because [unlikely eventuality]. And when that failed (it's only been 2 days... results not convincing yet) she returned to her default stroppy setting. You definitely have a point Rox, about escalation being her only option.

I try not to engage but it's hard when she's being so provoking