Would you let your 15yo do this on a school night?

[Mumof3andtea]

Hi, just wondering if I'm being unreasonable here.

DD is 15, 16 in a few months, and wants to go into town after school with 2 friends today. They are apparently getting something for one of the girls birthdays and then going for something to eat.

I said yes originally as she has done this journey loads of times and knows the area etc. It's not like she's going somewhere I've never heard of. She would get the bus home and normally be back about 8ish.

But I've just realised it's obviously getting dark earlier now and I don't really like the idea of her coming back on the bus after dark on a Monday night. I know 8pm isn't exactly the middle of the night but it still feels different now she's back at school and it's dark by then.

DH thinks I'm being completely ridiculous and says she is 15 not 5 and if anything this is exactly the sort of thing she should be doing by herself. He said if I keep saying no to everything she'll just stop telling us what she's doing.

Which I do understand tbh.

She is generally sensible. She has a phone, knows to message me when she's leaving and I can see roughly where she is anyway. Her friends are all sensible as well, although obviously you never know.

The thing is I don't actually have a problem with her going into town. It's the coming home part I don't like. If it was the weekend and she was with us later I probably wouldn't think twice about it.

I've suggested DH picks her up at 7.30 but apparently that defeats the whole point and she doesn't want to leave before her friends.

Now she's saying I'm embarrassing her and that none of her friends mums are making a fuss about it. Which I'm taking with a pinch of salt obviously.

Would you let a 15 year old do this? Or would you say home before dark on a school night?

I don't want to be one of those parents who treats a nearly 16 year old like she's 10 but equally I don't think I'm unreasonable for worrying about her getting the bus home in the dark.

What would you do?

So only bc it's light?

I genuinely don't get the “it’s dark! it’s not safe” line. I always told my DC and especially my DD that these are her streets and she is allowed to walk home along them. Yes even after dark. It’s no less safe than in daylight as long as (for example) you don't wander out into the road dressed in a dark coat. But why would you?.

Every dark street does not have someone lurking in it ready to leap out and attack you. If you really thought they did you would never go out. We need to be sensible, yes, but what the OP's DD is proposing sounds perfectly reasonable. Even in the dark.

It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to have told my daughter that she couldn’t stay out until 8pm at that age, but unless the bus stops right outside your house, I would pick her up from the stop, or from the town whenever she was ready to come home. I think your daughter is at the age where parents become a taxi service for the next three or four years!

I would let her go and be on standby for any changes.

Please don't pick her up at 7.30. She's 15 not 5. Trust her a little. She sounds like a lovely sensible daughter who just wants to spend some time with her friends. Don't alienate her from her peers. 8pm on a school night is not late.

I teach my daughters not to be afraid of going out after dark otherwise they wouldn’t leave the house after 4pm in the winter!

Think your heading towards a situation where your going to find out quickly that 15 year olds need space, freedom and an acknowledgement they arent little kids.
Your job is to prepare her for the world, not hide from it. What if she got a job in a restaurant till 11pm?
You haven't said you live in a terribly dangerous area, what wrong with getting off a bus at 8? If every young woman stayed scared in the house, it wouldn't be cool would it?
Fear can ruin opertunities ! encourage self defense classes, have open discussion about consent. you need to see her as a young adult, she's talking to you, has friends, don't give her stuff to rebel against

You can’t expect a 15-year-old never to be out after dusk FFS. Of course she can get a bus at 8pm. It’s not late. It’s incredibly infantilising to want an almost 16-year-old home at 7.30pm. She’s not a little child.

During the winter it gets dark at 4.30pm. Presumably you’re not planning to lock her up before 5pm every day on that basis when the clocks change?

Not terribly so anymore. Getting ID is a lot more problematic and the legal age of leaving education at 18 is in full swing now, so in many ways 18 isn’t the new 16. Idk how old it was for you, however, you were still in the years your peers were probably saying, wtf I have to do what till I’m 18?

My dd managed to get someone’s ID when she was half way through year 12, so she and some of her friends could party.

Oh and in answer to your question op, of course, your dd will be fine. If she’s alone, I’d collect her from the bus stop.

I think it will be fine, it's not late and there will be plenty of people about.

Loosen the apron strings Mama. It’s hard but if she has to learn to do these things on her own. 8pm isn’t late and it’s not dark dark just yet. She has her phone and can call you if she needs you. Let her grow up to be independent. You’ll never stop worrying but you have to let her grow.

Listen to your DH … he’s right.

She could be off to Reading or Leeds festival next summer!

Would I let a fifteen year old go to the shops with her friends? Yes I would be sad if she wasn’t doing this sort of thing. I don’t think k mine ever needed my permission to go to the shops at fifteen.

Yes of course. Unless you live somewhere frightening and then I’d meet her off the bus. I don’t let my 13 year old walk home from dance class at 8/9/10pm as she’d need to cut through a park or walk for ages but I’d definitely let her go into town and back home.

Your concerns are understandable, you just want to protect your daughter… But honestly - not allowing a nearly 16 year old to be out til 8pm is way over the top. It is just about still light at 8pm at the moment as well.

Sunset is 19.39 here, but it isn't fully dark yet at 8pm.

Sorry, but I think YABU. The "but my friends are allowed" is probably true in this case.

Let her get the bus in the dark

perhaps meet her at the bus stop to walk back if you are getting too stressed out by it - for your benefit not hers !

Let her grow up and get on with her life.

Yes, as long as it was a 'normal' night in school terms - not the final day of mocks week or that kind of thing. Sometimes that goes a bit tribal where I live.

Have a talk about a plan in case she does need to wait somewhere with trustworthy people around. A leisure centre can be very good for this as they stay open and she can be ready to explain she needs to wait there for a bit (if this were needed).

What I have noticed between the ages of 15 and 16 so far is that the group make great sounding plans but hugely overestimate the amount of time that they will or can spend 'out'. If a couple of friends have to go early, there is a chance that the others may also call time early.

I've never let the dark be a limit to my children's activities as its a meaningless line that changes throughout the year. So long as they have lights on their bikes, reflectors on their coats and/or bags, then they can be out when its dark if they would be allowed out in a similar manner if it was light (so obviously my youngest can't be out late but in winter its dark at a time he would be allowed out in summer so I still allow it in winter). When my oldest was 13/14 she had DnD club on Fridays that usually finished around 9pm, which was dark half the year but of course I wasn't going to stop her from going just because it was dark (and couldn't pick her up because she went there straight after school usually so was on her bike)

It’s fine. 8 isn’t late on a school night. At that age I went to a youth club that finished at 10pm (although either a parent picked up or one of the guys would walk me home). 8 isn’t late.

I work with 16-18 year olds and they have a curfew of 11pm, they can be where they choose before that. 15 is not far off that, so I think 8pm is a little on the early side.

Building a bit of independence and travel savvyness is really good at this age. Have a back up (taxi, lift, etc) if she gets separated from friends.

The bus with many people would be safer than a young girl on her own in a taxi.

This!