How do I handle my 14-year-old’s risky behaviour and friendship group?

[Saltnchilli]

I really need some advice, I’m at my wits end and feel like giving up on my DS.
He is 14, going into year 10, diagnosed with ADHD and high functioning autism.
He’s generally a good lad, has been bought up with our morales and values, but has always been ‘low level disruption’ and primary and secondary school.

From year 8 he’s ’got in with the wrong crowd’ and as time is going on the behaviours and risk taking are getting worse.
The school first alerted us to the group of lads he’s chosen to hang around with and warned us that he is better off choosing different friends, but it seems these are the types of boys he likes to hang around with and find exciting. Over the last couple of years there have been several incidents that’s the school have called us in to talk about, anti social behaviour in the local shop while in school uniform, one of the group shouting to a female student they wanted to rape her. The other parents are not interested at all and don’t go into the school and just tell them to deal with it. My point being, the school haven’t given up on him-but I think they are close to.

He has done some anti social behaviour, these other boys seem to have no curfew so he thinks he should be out to all hours too, overstepping his boundaries.
We have taken the approach of, not telling him he can’t see these boys, more trying to guide him away and keep the lines of communication open.
He has no hobbies though, will not take anything up, just wants to hang around the streets.

The final straw tonight was he came home saying he’s had the best day ever. They have started 2 fires and been shooting pigeons with catapults and been in an abandoned building with the male owner chatting to them in their showing them his saws and such!! I’ve obviously gone mad on all accounts and all I get it I’m such a boring parent, none of their parents mind. He will not listen to reason about how dangerous and selfish the behaviour has been today so I’ve grounded him, if he can’t sit and talk without shouting or listening, then he is not mature enough to go out on his own.

Part of me thinks what’s the use, if he’s mindset is that today was the best one ever, what use is grounding him, that won’t change what he enjoys.

Im sorry this has been so long, I needed to get his off my chest. My goodness I love him so much, but embarrassed to admit I feel such shame too.

Move area, move school or before you know it he will be driving down a motorway the wrong way killing innocent people

Yep. Absolutely this.

Yes, I’ve had that thought.

My husband and I have spoken about this, I think whenever we were to move to, area or school, he would seek out these groups of kids because it’s what he finds fun.
We have spoken about the local private school (without meaning to sound judgemental) but we just can’t stretch that far

Show him videos from the recent wildfires to hopefully scare him into seeing the possible consequences of his and his friends stupid actions.
I would seriously look at moving schools if not house. I think I’d also be really trying to find other ways for him to get his dopamine hit (sport?) something like boxing maybe? The thrill seeking behaviour is giving him the dopamine his body craves.

that wont do you any favours. he'll just get in with the richer version of these kids and they have resources to do what they want. And sometimes their parents aren't around either, usually different reasons, but similar results for your son.
Can you take him away to do volunteering or something? like away away. I wouldn't even bother with school if this is where its got him. He can home school. and you can do online school, if you could stretch to one year of it. I know that sounds extreme but he will be in real trouble if he doesnt find something that seems bigger and better than these kids.

Very concerning behaviour. Shooting pigeons with catapults is particularly disgusting and shows a lack of empathy for other living things whether you like pigeons or not .
I'd ground him , take his phone , do whatever I could to keep him in and keep other's safe . Starting fires !

Pity you couldn't March him into a police station so he could see his future. He's not got in with a bad crowd , he's part of a bad crowd .

I don’t agree with this, it depends on the school. Somewhere with a rural intake, eg farmer’s kids, not so much so. My dd has just finished year 13 in a coEd private school. She was very much in with the popular kids. And there were no drugs or marauding around at night etc at this age, possibly in part, because everyone lives too far away from one another. And we didn’t let dd out like that in year 10 in our village either. That said, it wouldn’t solve the going out at night as unless you physically move as well op, he will just hang with his current mates.

At this age, should you really be allowing him out at night op?

Why are you blaming others? You say yourself he’s been persistently disruptive in school for years, you need to look closer to home and stop blaming others for your child’s behaviour.

He’s still a child and, wildly unpopular though you might be, in my opinion you need to parent him as if he is perhaps younger than he is eg enforcing earlier curfews, making him do a sport like boxing or something the perceives to be risky and fun. You need to (as best you can) take the reins before he’s totally out of control by being much stricter and not tolerating it. He obviously thinks you can’t/wont do anything if he’s coming home and reporting his bad behaviour to you

Why is he allowed out at all at this point?

I would say move also and if you can't stretch to private school then private tuition and online/home school. What is your and DH's relationship with him like? Do you like him? Does he know you love him? While their friends are important at this stage, the relationship with parents is their bedrock and fundamental issues there such as lack of love or liking, trust, criticism, stability can lead to them seeking too much time away from home, wherever you go.

It's good that he actually tells you what he has been doing though! Don't "go mad" immediately, take a deep breath and talk to him about what he liked about it and why xyz might not be a good idea and what would be better. He no doubt liked the feeling of freedom and power and the rush of it. He is likely very immature for his age and very much needs parenting and support as well as firm boundaries. What do you do together for fun as a family? Is there anything he used to enjoy and gave up? Did you give him a chance to develop hobbies and interests outside school as a child?

See the Head on Monday about moving schools. This isn’t just high spirits - it’s pre-criminal nasty.

Once you’ve got your options, talk to DS about what they are. He doesn’t get to choose.

I wouldn’t be letting him out if he’s starting fires and trying to harm birds, and shouting out he wants to rape a schoolgirl. wtf.

He may be seeking dopamine hits, but this is not the way to do it.

Is there really no high energy hobby he could engage in? A sport, like boxing where it’s controlled, or a martial art.

At 14 you’ve got a chance to set him in the right path before it’s too late.

A bit of low level disruption I’d keep an eye on, But this is more than that. Harming animals is a massive red flag.

How long are you going to blame the other kids and parents for before realising that he is the problem?

You're the parents you need to actually parent him and set strict boundaries. If he's involved in anti social behaviour, ground him, take his phone off him.
And get him involved in a competitive sport that will use up his energy and spare time.

I know it sounds like we do have to parent better, but up till this point we have tried a gentle approach. I am so worried that I’ll push him from me and into his friends more that I thought that was the best approach. We do have a good relationship, hence him coming home and telling me all that last night.

After each incident he has been grounded, phone taken away, PlayStation removed etc and for that week or however long the sanction was he was a really lovely boy at home and chatting with us and watching tv etc. Then he goes back out to meet friends once punishment is over and doesn’t want to know us anymore. He literally won’t do anything with us anymore, apart from going on holiday this summer, everything I suggest to him it’s a no. Won’t even go to watch his football team with his dad which he really used to enjoy. I do think it’s because he is embarrassed by us because compared to his friends parents we are so uncool and strict.

He has never been into a sport despite us trying, he used to like scouts and forest club but he wouldn’t go to those anymore soon after starting secondary. Always said about starting cadets, but when he became old enough, wouldn’t join. Boxing is a great idea, and i have put it to him before, it was a no and I know it will be a no again when I ask him. What can I do, I can’t physically drag him there?

DH and I have talked long into the night and yes, come to the conclusion everything we have done before hasn’t worked and the reins are being well and truly tightened, tighter boundaries put in place and there is no more going out to meet mates just for the sake of hanging around. They can organise bowling, cinema, skate park, an actual activity to spend time doing rather than being bored and looking for trouble.

i think it’s very unkind of posters to say “parent him”. He’s 14 not 4 there is realistically only so much they can do and it sounds like they are doing it. How can you force a 14 year old to do sport he doesn’t want to do?

I would move areas, a significant distance. Or find special schooling eg private SEND school

Is he medicated, OP? If not, investigate this immediately. His impulsivity and recklessness are dopamining; meds will be transformational.

I would also move him. We have a group of Year 9 boys who are very counter-cultural at our school, and it’s a hard thing to drag yourself away from.

You sound like lovely parents and I think it's great that you have kept the channels of communications open. I don't have any advice but sympathise as I know how headstrong 14 year olds can be. Wishing you all the best and hope you find a way forward

Your child is shouting about raping a girl, hurting animals and setting fires during the summer. He is a criminal the gentle approach will not work. Take his phone, move house, move schools. Send him to an ultra strict private school. Take all his stuff away except his bed, handful of clothes and some books. He is on a downward trajectory that will see you visiting him in prison. You are stronger than you think, to help him you are going to have to be his parent not his friend.

He is seeking excitement which is natural for ADHD but obviously totally inappropriate for him and he doesn't realise due to being so immature.

I think we are lucky my DS has not gone down this route as he's very similar but he's very young for his age and is in a specialist school.

Some questions:
Is he medicated? If not, he needs it - it is quite dangerous to be an unmedicated thrill seeking ADHD teen. I'm not sure he will understand the dangers though it's probably worth talking to him, unless you think he'll just see fires/driving fast/buildings collapsing on him as exciting too. Of course they all think they are immortal at this age.

Who pays for his screen time? I'm guessing you. Is it earned? Or just seen as a right?

What are his responsibilities around the house?

You do seem to be asking him to do appropriate activities not telling him.

My DS is reluctant to do sporting and active things but we make things non negotiable and screen access is conditional on doing them. And now he likes them. We don't ask his permission for how we parent him. We offer alternatives but he has to pick one.

He clearly isn't mature enough to be in contact with these boys so remove the means of contact.

I think trying to get him into a hobby will help even if he doesn't want to - can you try and bribe him in first instance, if you go to x we'll give you x time on play station or buy you x trainers.

If not sporty - drama? Fishing? Golf? I've recently thought about getting my son a tool box and wood to make something - maybe some sort of kit as he is quite practical.

It is good he told you though. I don't necessarily agree with people saying youre a bad parent as if you rein in too much it can back fire at this age. Im sure you've tried, but have you had a proper sit diw 'grown up' chat with him - if those other kids want to amount to nothing that's up to them, but we want more for you.

I have a 14 year old and he has freedom, but strict about screen time (he has quite a bit but not unlimited, and tight on tiktok, snap etc) and I do track where he is. He has a lovely group of friends but they were 'exploring' an abandoned building recently - so they're wanting to test boundaries.

For me, I would consider different school if no sign of improvement though. But if you can occupy him out of school and keep him away from naughty kids that will help.

@Saltnchilli I don’t have too much advice other than keep going at installing and backing up your morals. Our DS was similar at this age and it’s so hard to get the balance between parenting and pushing them away. It’s very easy to say you wouldn’t allow it when you’re not in that situation. We did move DS for year 10&11, he did seek out those same type of kids but it took a lot longer to get the same bond so broke the cycle for a while and mean the bonds didn’t form stronger.
One thing that I think really helped was he love for money, so we encouraged a part time job. He found work labouring / gardening etc. This helped two fold as it gave him less time and fired him out but also instilled a strong work ethic. Now at almost 20 he works full time, has a long term gf and doesn’t really see any of those kids, Infact shows us some of their social media and is embarrassed by them.
I know I haven’t really given any proper advice because it’s such a minefield, I just wanted to say coming from the right supportive family can get them through, don’t give up.