How do I handle my 14-year-old’s risky behaviour and friendship group?

[Saltnchilli]

I really need some advice, I’m at my wits end and feel like giving up on my DS.
He is 14, going into year 10, diagnosed with ADHD and high functioning autism.
He’s generally a good lad, has been bought up with our morales and values, but has always been ‘low level disruption’ and primary and secondary school.

From year 8 he’s ’got in with the wrong crowd’ and as time is going on the behaviours and risk taking are getting worse.
The school first alerted us to the group of lads he’s chosen to hang around with and warned us that he is better off choosing different friends, but it seems these are the types of boys he likes to hang around with and find exciting. Over the last couple of years there have been several incidents that’s the school have called us in to talk about, anti social behaviour in the local shop while in school uniform, one of the group shouting to a female student they wanted to rape her. The other parents are not interested at all and don’t go into the school and just tell them to deal with it. My point being, the school haven’t given up on him-but I think they are close to.

He has done some anti social behaviour, these other boys seem to have no curfew so he thinks he should be out to all hours too, overstepping his boundaries.
We have taken the approach of, not telling him he can’t see these boys, more trying to guide him away and keep the lines of communication open.
He has no hobbies though, will not take anything up, just wants to hang around the streets.

The final straw tonight was he came home saying he’s had the best day ever. They have started 2 fires and been shooting pigeons with catapults and been in an abandoned building with the male owner chatting to them in their showing them his saws and such!! I’ve obviously gone mad on all accounts and all I get it I’m such a boring parent, none of their parents mind. He will not listen to reason about how dangerous and selfish the behaviour has been today so I’ve grounded him, if he can’t sit and talk without shouting or listening, then he is not mature enough to go out on his own.

Part of me thinks what’s the use, if he’s mindset is that today was the best one ever, what use is grounding him, that won’t change what he enjoys.

Im sorry this has been so long, I needed to get his off my chest. My goodness I love him so much, but embarrassed to admit I feel such shame too.

So let me get this right... your son spent his best day ever committing arson and trying to kill birds? I do believe we have sailed some distance beyond the ‘wrong crowd’.

Up until today, when you’ve said you’ve gone mad and grounded him, your OP sounds quite passive as you haven’t explained what action you took (or support your DS needed to help guide him) for previous events. You may have taken action of course, but you haven’t said what.

So, when it was low level disruption in primary, what happened? What action did you take?
When that continued in secondary, what happened?
When his school first alerted you to this group of lads, what happened?
When he was part of anti social behaviour in the shop, being with the group shouting about rape?

Without knowing what has been tried, it’s hard to advise further. I’ll be honest, by now it may be too late to ‘turn the ship around’ if you stay where you are as he’s locked in with these boys, and as he is making active choices to join in with them, he is responsible just the same as they are.

He needs to be accountable for his actions - have you provided that lesson to him previously? How is his empathy? His understanding of the impact he is having with the choices he is making?

I see the start of this in primary, the low level disruptive behaviour, and if solid boundaries are not in place (incl respect for you), by the time they get to secondary, it starts escalating and it saddens me to see some of our ex pupils in the local news being prosecuted as young adults (and courts won’t care about the AuDHD). In some cases, young teens are being named and shamed on FB. For some of them, I knew their parents loved them but they didn’t get a strong hand on the behaviour whilst in primary as they hoped their child would grow out of it or expected the school to sort it out. This isn’t down to school or others to address. This is really for parents to address and seek professional help and support on.

Sorry @Saltnchilli it’s probably not what you want to hear. I feel for you as I know you love your son, but it’ll take tremendous effort from you to be able to have any influence now as you say he’s now looking to this group as his role models, not you / his dad.

Move house and to an area where there are few opportunities for him to mix with boys like that. That's about all you can do. He's easily influenced so you need to distance him from them. Good luck.

Gosh OP, I sympathise. We have had a lot of issues with our 14 yo daughter this year, similar stuff but different behaviour. It has involved a school suspension and a drinking incident (outside school) although she herself was not impaired.

What is difficult is that she is so happy to finally have some friends having had a really hard time at school.

With your son, have you talked a bit more deeply with him about his pigeons (I assume this wasn’t clay pigeon shooting) asked him why he enjoyed it, how he thought the pigeons found it, wouldn’t it have hurt them, is that really such a good idea etc etc.

We have done a mix of hard reality talking (these kids are not going anywhere, you have the ability to etc etc) and being kind ie giving her lifts/letting her go and hang round. We don’t let her out outside at night for reasons of safety.

We’ve tried really hard to keep the communication open and explain our decisions but have hard boundaries on rudeness, swearing and pickup times.

We were fortunate to have a two-week holiday that helped us to reconnect. Since we got less strict on going to town, encouragingly she has got bored and actually not gone in some days.
If your child is bright, it’s possible he’ll get bored hanging round with these kids…

Getting through the next two years of GCSEs is going to be a challenge - but ultimately we’ve said all she needs to do is her best, but we need her to do her best. I’ve made it clear she will need to earn her own money since I want to retire 😂 and to get a good job you need good results…

My DD goes to a state boarding school (rural - she's a day pupil). It's not more strict than your average comprehensive but it's very good on pastoral.
It's slightly undersubscribed and there are definitely boarding places @Saltnchilli if you are interested please feel free to DM me. The cost is vastly less than private and you could get him away from those boys.

Take his phone off him. Now

Is he’ medicated? If not, why not?

this won’t end well, fires, birds? Wtaf.