How do I handle my 14-year-old’s risky behaviour and friendship group?

[Saltnchilli]

I really need some advice, I’m at my wits end and feel like giving up on my DS.
He is 14, going into year 10, diagnosed with ADHD and high functioning autism.
He’s generally a good lad, has been bought up with our morales and values, but has always been ‘low level disruption’ and primary and secondary school.

From year 8 he’s ’got in with the wrong crowd’ and as time is going on the behaviours and risk taking are getting worse.
The school first alerted us to the group of lads he’s chosen to hang around with and warned us that he is better off choosing different friends, but it seems these are the types of boys he likes to hang around with and find exciting. Over the last couple of years there have been several incidents that’s the school have called us in to talk about, anti social behaviour in the local shop while in school uniform, one of the group shouting to a female student they wanted to rape her. The other parents are not interested at all and don’t go into the school and just tell them to deal with it. My point being, the school haven’t given up on him-but I think they are close to.

He has done some anti social behaviour, these other boys seem to have no curfew so he thinks he should be out to all hours too, overstepping his boundaries.
We have taken the approach of, not telling him he can’t see these boys, more trying to guide him away and keep the lines of communication open.
He has no hobbies though, will not take anything up, just wants to hang around the streets.

The final straw tonight was he came home saying he’s had the best day ever. They have started 2 fires and been shooting pigeons with catapults and been in an abandoned building with the male owner chatting to them in their showing them his saws and such!! I’ve obviously gone mad on all accounts and all I get it I’m such a boring parent, none of their parents mind. He will not listen to reason about how dangerous and selfish the behaviour has been today so I’ve grounded him, if he can’t sit and talk without shouting or listening, then he is not mature enough to go out on his own.

Part of me thinks what’s the use, if he’s mindset is that today was the best one ever, what use is grounding him, that won’t change what he enjoys.

Im sorry this has been so long, I needed to get his off my chest. My goodness I love him so much, but embarrassed to admit I feel such shame too.

Report the anti social behaviour etc to the police. They don’t straight off the bat give him an ASBO but will scare him (hopefully straight). They may also put some support in place to stop his behaviour getting worse.

THEN move - fresh start for him. Too far for him or his friends to come on a day trip.

No going out to roam. Remove all technology bar phone and computer ( for homework). Both to be used downstairs only, not allowed upstairs. He will be allowed XBOX back as long as he is in Cadets or similar!!! He’ll likely want to do the local Youth Club too if he can’t just go to generically hang out/ have opportunity to cause problems.

OP, I think gentle parenting is coming back to bite you on the bum.

Another one seconding cadets; my 3 DS do it and it had done them nothing but good. Lots of exercise and he will learn SAFE firearms handling (maybe that could be a selling point?)

I'd get him out of that school asap. He's on the road to prison.

I changed my DC's school for Y9 entry. Had good friendships in the previous school but was in a rut with the bad kids. They were the favourites and I wasn't able to gently guide towards better choices.

The move to a new school was successful. The less-good kids were still favoured but as it was a much stricter school, they got away with less. Plus although they were still the naughty ones, they were still an improvement on the crowd from her original school.

In the meantime I would put parental restrictions on his phone after 9pm so he can’t accesss anything which a teenager will hate.
and yes I would move and uproot if that meant doing the right thing for my child. His future could possibly be prison the way he is behaving.

Your gentle approach should have stopped the instant he told you they were shooting birds with a catapult. That’s disgusting. It might be “just” pigeons now but our local youth scum (and they are scum) moved on to torturing geese, swans and foxes with their ball bearing catapults, then shooting at and breaking windows in occupied houses. They think it’s hilarious and defy the police to catch them. They make other people’s lives miserable and get enjoyment from that.

Would it not shame your DS to see his parents disgusted and angry with him? Does he not realise how low his behaviour is going, when he’s shooting at and hurting birds for fun? Have you not spelt it out to him?

I’d be reading him the riot act on that item alone. Time to get very very serious with him OP, you’ve had some great advice already. Please get your kid under control and stop thinking he’s just fallen in with a bad crowd. He is the bad crowd, he’s a kid other parents will worry about their DS’s falling in with. But unlike some other parents it’s clear you care and want to help him, I hope you can do so very soon before he’s doing worse than he is already.

I think you need to stop blaming his friends and realise that he is one of them. He's not hanging out with badly behaved children, he is one of them.

Stop the gentle parenting.

This isn't true. My ds went to a small rural independent. Great schooling but the slightest hint of poor behaviour and the parents were called in, the child was given a clear warning, and told that it would not be tolerated and if there was any repeat, the family might "do better to find a different school."

The only two instances of serious bullying, the boys responsible were not welcomed back the following term.

Make sure he never sees those ‘friends’ again! Definitely move schools. There’ll always be bad kids in schools but some schools have children whose ‘badness’ is pretty mild in comparison. Choose a new school well and it should be an improvement.

Take his phone away for now and allow him time on his X Box or whatever other screens he has dependent on attending a new hobby. I highly recommend martial arts. They teach respect and self-control. Find a good class in something like karate.

I’d also speak to your GP if you think the ADHD is playing a big part in this rather than your son just making poor, immature choices.

You obviously care deeply and I’m sure you and your DH can turn this around for your son.

OP, your dh needs to step up and find a regular joint interest. Take your ds go-karting or join a clay pigeon club or something that he really likes, takes time and they can do together. Provide him with a positive influence to displace the negaive ones.

Time to really push, and insist.

This too. You need to be HARSH. My DC's school deferred to me for consequences because they knew I was strict.

Problem is that proper discipline has steadily gone down the crapper in the past 30 odd years. Nobody is allowed to correct the behaviour of these little charmers. They are untouchable.
They need to bring back proper punishments for misbehaviour. Bring back Borstal and bring back National service is my opinion

Short sharp shock is needed. Changing schools would do that. Show that you're serious.

The problem with the private school option is the “benefit”
that they get rid of kids with issues may mean it’s your kid that gets expelled. As our friends found.

Can you channel the dopamine chasing/thrill seeking elsewhere? Maybe something that he perceives as more edgy/cool than scouts/cadets. Parkour, skateboarding, mountain biking, bouldering, climbing, carting. Suggest taking him and another friend (if he has any outside that group) bungee jumping/para gliding.

With the best will in the world from what you’ve described he doesn’t sound like a candidate for cadets. You’ve gone beyond that.

Honestly large groups of teenagers have been the bane of my local area and surrounding ones for the last 6 months or so. They moved on from ours when we got the police involved who were actually proactive and did say they could try different methods.These kids are 12-14 years i’d say.

However a surrounding area a mile away is having terrible trouble over the summer. Unfortunately is some of the same kids ( i’ve seen them) but their neighbourhood police have been shit.

Ive worked with children and young people for 30 years and without doubt their behaviour is getting worse within many more of them. ai think its a mix of overuse of screens and social media’s ( too much too young for developing brains), gentle/permissive parenting and no boundaries, covid lockdowns, busy parents not really understanding that the illegal e-bike (that cos £ ) they bought their precious is being ridden the wrong way at cars and on paths scaring people.

@Saltnchilli you need to get a grip on him before he ends up in prison because he will escalate as he gets older and seems to not care cos he gets his xbox back and goes back out.

I understand that getting an autistic child to start something like a hobby that they don't want to do can be nigh on impossible. Does he have any special interests you can feed into? Otherwise you will have to focus on stopping him from doing things. At 14 it is still possible to exert some parental strictness. At 16 it won't be so easy. Don't let him out to meet these friends. Is it possible for one of you to drop him off/pick him up from school so he doesn't hang out with them then? I would also give serious consideration to a different school.

Boxing is not a bad shout. Climbing as well might give some much needed adrenaline.

I would move house and area if it were me but can see that that would be a huge upheaval.

Failing that, have a look at the book raising boys by Steve biddulph. Can you get him in with a mentorship programme or with journeyman UK
https://journeymanuk.org/ for a trip with his dad?

Absolutely this.

I'd consider being quite blunt, calm and honest with DS regarding potential consequences of the behaviour he's likely to face once he's an adult if he continues this way. Especially if low level disruptive behaviour is a long term issue, which means school move may only have some effect.

He'll be 16 in 2 years. What would you like him to know - or be aware of as a young adult? - by then?

Cadets. You can’t force him to join. But you can volunteer with your local unit and make him come with you as he can’t be trusted to be home alone. And once he’s there he may as well get into uniform so he can do the shooting/climbing/sailing/hiking.

Is he medicated side his ADHD?

He’s seeking a dopamine hit. He needs something else to meet what these activities are giving him.

Boxing? Gym? Shooting range?

What does he want to do with his life? Can you talk to him about how that won’t be possible if he gets into trouble, a police record, no GCSEs etc.

Agree online school may be worth it but isolating him permanent will just fuel his desire and ultimately he’ll be back out into the big wide world again in a few years, as an adult, when you can’t control it.

havent rtft but I would also look at medication. This impulsive dopamine seeking behaviour is going to have serious consequences soon.

I’d suggest thinking of the other kids as ‘the wrong crowd’ is probably not helping. Your DS is also ‘the wrong crowd’. IME parents who think the other kids are the problem and their beloved is just easily led end up with a rude awakening. Gentle parenting isn’t going to help, your son has additional needs and will find it harder perhaps to set his own boundaries so you need to do it for him. A stricter school might help but moving at this age will be tough and might prevent any positives from the move anyway. These years are crucial to his future, so you need to be quite tough on him now.

As well as saying he does NOT have to agree with you about your parenting decisions, I would also add that it is crystal clear the time for gentle parenting was over quite some time ago.