Used AI to summarise, apologies! It'a still very long so bear with me.
A few weeks ago we discovered DD14 had been secretly bypassing parental controls and using hidden devices/accounts to talk to a group of 'teenagers' she'd met online. We thought we had all devices locked down but she stole my old phone to bypass all controls. She considers them genuine friends and believes she has a 'girlfriend'. The major concern was that she'd shared a scary amount of real personal information with people she's never met — full name, DOB, phone number, town, school/family information, photos etc. She still believes they're definitely who they say they are. This is a girl who had to be told about Santa, tooth fairy etc at 11 and cried her eyes out, so shes very naive and trusting. There are lots of red flags with the chats- they tell her she's very mature, how to get around controls, say bad things about us and her siblings and started sexual chat early on. My DD is so naive she asked did they mean holding hands! Now she is the one sending the dirty messages as time has gone on.
We removed her phone/internet completely. Put new passwords on all devices in the house. Initially as punishment for stealing my phone but then to keep her safe when we came across all this other stuff. She was devastated and had a complete meltdown, which lasted weeks. but after a few weeks she's much happier, spending loads of time doing sport, seeing IRL friends and engaging with family again.
It's now time to start giving her phone back, as I realise a teen needs a phone but these people are also on WhatsApp and there are hundreds of messages waiting. I feel like as soon as she opens the phone she's going to be sucked straight back in again. We obviously can't prevent a determined teenager accessing strangers online forever, so we need to figure out what to do.
Would you initially lock the phone right down and gradually increase access, or give her more trust — e.g. WhatsApp/Spotify allowed provided she blocks/deletes everyone she doesn't know IRL, with occasional phone checks — and restrict it again if she breaks that trust? And what would you do about all the existing messages/contacts? Do I just let her keep her online friends? Do I delete/block the strangers?
I'm very lost and go back and forth about it. I wouldn't mind so much but she seems really obsessed. She behaved like a drug addict in withdrawal when we initially took them away. She ignores real life friends to speak to these online ones. She has screen savers of photos of them even though they have never met, she's talking about talking a gap year after school to travel to them. They are from a different country so she is literally learning their language every day, including on holiday so she can speak to them. She was on a school trip abroad and spent over 7 hours on the phone to them in 1 day instead of talking to the kids on the trip actually with her.... She even has entire photo albums of just pictures of the one she believes is/was her girlfriend and has drawn lots of photos of her. Maybe I'm old but I think it's bloody weird. And obsessive. She's never met these people!! I haven't said any of this to her face, I've been very neutral and just talked about risks and safety. But what do I do!? Please don't be judgemental I am trying my best and want to do his right so she's not sneaking around anymore. But equally they could just be online groomers!? They could be anyone!