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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter lost her virginity-not sure how I feel

109 replies

Silverine08 · 26/02/2017 11:31

I had my daughter quite young (21) and we've always had a close, honest and open relationship. We have talked about sex and I've offered some of my experiences and advice mostly as cautionary tales such as just because you sleep with a boy doesn't mean he loves you, respect yourself etc.

She's always been very sensible and mature and to be honest I thought she would probably have her first sexual experience at uni. Well I was wrong. She started going out with a boy around Christmas and she called me last night to tell me she had slept with this guy. She's 17. On the one hand I'm pleased she told me but on the other I feel really weird about it. I didn't really know what to say to her.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What am I supposed to say to her about it. I feel I should be doing something but I'm not sure what! Also feel like my baby girl has kind of gone.

OP posts:
PippaFawcett · 26/02/2017 11:33

Calm down, she is 17. I bet a lot of us on here had sex around that age if not before. It is great that she told you. Safe sex messages would be my first discussion and then leave her to it!

poisonedbypen · 26/02/2017 11:34

She's over 16. I'm not sure what the issue is but just be glad she talks to you! Of course it's hard when our babies grow up, but she is 17, not 14!

NotJanine · 26/02/2017 11:35

In what context did she tell you? Does she feel bad about it?

MiaMoo95 · 26/02/2017 11:35

Considering she's 17, and has been with him since December that's really sensible. Your daughter is mature. She's 1 year over the legal age, she's been with the boy about 2 months now and clearly has waited some time. And then called you. I'd be so proud if I was you, just make sure you talk to her about safe sex.

sooperdooper · 26/02/2017 11:36

If be glad she feels close enough to you to tell you, it doesn't mean you have to discuss it in any detail, she was under no obligation to tell you at all

HSMMaCM · 26/02/2017 11:36

I found it hard with dd but tried not to show it. Practical conversations about birth control and emotional support are your way forward. It sounds like you're doing that anyway. Well done for having such an open and honest relationship.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 26/02/2017 11:38

Jeez, it's just sex. Your baby girl has gone? No, she just had a normal life experience, you know, like the one that brought her into existence.

I don't know why you think you should be doing anything. Throw her a virginity loss party? Write letters to yourselves then burn them and walk through the pain?

It's just sex.

SausageFarmer · 26/02/2017 11:43

She's 17, chill out.

Newmenewme · 26/02/2017 11:56

Lol , I was in a similar situation, a few months back when my dd 17 rang me to say she had also lost her virginity! Again we are very close although I'm very surprised she told me first but felt very pleased, humbled that I was the person she told and that she felt more than comfortable to tell me this . It also gave us a great opportunity to talk more about relationships/sex etc. It's not something she wishes to repeat, I've been supportive to her and just told her to use it as a learning curve .

Original poster
Silverine08 · 26/02/2017 11:58

I am really pleased she told me. Guess I just wasn't expecting it and in my opinion it is a big deal, particularly for a girl. She was as cool as a cucumber about it and we've had the whole safe sex talk already. Is it really so unusual to feel some mixed emotions over this? They'll pass quickly I know but it does feel like she's taken another step towards being more of an adult....

OP posts:
theothercatpurred · 26/02/2017 12:04

Your baby girl has gone? Really? Hmm

For a start, 17 is age-appropriate.

But also, in the kindest way, you need to have a think about this, it's not a healthy attitude to have about your child IMO. It sounds like somewhere along the line you have internalised the age-old message that a young woman's worth is tied up with her virginity and that those of us who have had sex are impure, less valuable, less innocent.

It's a fairly common attitude, sure, but not one based in reality IMO.

Would you feel the same way about a son? If not why not?

As regards your DD - you should be delighted she's told you! Ask her if there's anything she wants to talk about and let her know she can always come to you.

Purplebluebird · 26/02/2017 12:04

I'm quite surprised that she told you! I was 16 when I had sex the first time, and there would be no way I'd tell my parents. Well done, you must have done something right for her to open up like that :) Don't worry about it, she's old enough. She'll be fine!

highinthesky · 26/02/2017 12:05

I can understand your confusion OP. It is a big deal, but you'll get used to the idea faster than you might think.

I hope he's a nice guy.

Iamastonished · 26/02/2017 12:05

Quite frankly I'm surprised she told you. I certainly wouldn't have told my mum. I'm pretty certain that DD and her boyfriend have DTD, but they have been together for over a year and are both over 16. She hasn't told me and I wouldn't expect her to.

I have always been open about stuff like this, but DD finds it excruciatingly embarrassing.

Beeziekn33ze · 26/02/2017 12:06

Good that she told you but this part of her life doesn't directly concern you. You may find this a difficult adjustment.

GabsAlot · 26/02/2017 12:08

just be glad u have the relationship where she tells u everything-i lost mine at 15 and never discussed it with parents

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 26/02/2017 12:08

Particularly for a girl? OP, you're part of the problem.

AllTheLight · 26/02/2017 12:10

I can understand your mixed emotions and I'm sure I'll feel the same way when the time comes (my DD is younger).

17 and in a steady relationship sounds like a good thing to me. I was 16 and had been with my boyfriend for six months, he was a year older than me and although I was relatively young I look back on it in a positive way and remember him fondly.

Of course it feels like your baby is growing up! That's completely natural IMO and I think some of the replies on here are slightly harsh.

Blossomdeary · 26/02/2017 12:11

You do not have to do anything.

She knows about safe sex and contraception.

The only qualm I felt when my DDs were teenagers was when one of them was with a lad I felt was wrong for her - but it was her life and I had no right to interfere - he was not a criminal or a drug addict so I had no grounds to comment.

happypoobum · 26/02/2017 12:12

I am not really sure what the big deal is either. Would you say you are very invested in her life?

My 16 year old is not a virgin - his girlfriend stays over. We have had the safe sex talk and she has an implant. They are very loved up and very exclusive. None of the rest of it is any of my business and to be honest I don't give it a second thought.

Newmenewme · 26/02/2017 12:16

Silver; I'm with you , it is a big thing . It's fantastic that you have a mature teenager who is able to talk to you and receive advice from you .
Also ignore the non supportive comments , probably not been in your position so they can't relate .

Fruitcocktail6 · 26/02/2017 12:16

Please don't give your DD issues with sex, she sounds like she is really mature and has a healthy attitude.

She's had an important life experience and it sounds like it went well. Better than a drunken fumble at Fresher's Week.

Qqnamechange · 26/02/2017 12:17

She's 17. You don't get to feel anything about it

SmellySphinx · 26/02/2017 12:19

Not been in this situation but I'm sure I may be one day. I understand though that you feel a lil' bit of a loss as it were, like you say it's another step towards adulthood. I'm sure it feels so weird vecause you built yourself up and fully expected to deal with it in a confident way continuing on from the open honest relationship you have with her already. I'm sure as time passes the weord feeling will subside. I hope my relationships with my daughtersas they near this age are the same as yours :)

SmellySphinx · 26/02/2017 12:20

For Gods sake! Sorry for the wibbly wobbly spelling there, I couldn't edit anything the site wouldn't let me!! BlushBlushBlush