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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter lost her virginity-not sure how I feel

109 replies

Silverine08 · 26/02/2017 11:31

I had my daughter quite young (21) and we've always had a close, honest and open relationship. We have talked about sex and I've offered some of my experiences and advice mostly as cautionary tales such as just because you sleep with a boy doesn't mean he loves you, respect yourself etc.

She's always been very sensible and mature and to be honest I thought she would probably have her first sexual experience at uni. Well I was wrong. She started going out with a boy around Christmas and she called me last night to tell me she had slept with this guy. She's 17. On the one hand I'm pleased she told me but on the other I feel really weird about it. I didn't really know what to say to her.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What am I supposed to say to her about it. I feel I should be doing something but I'm not sure what! Also feel like my baby girl has kind of gone.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 13:27

It's not losing anything. It's doing something that you hadn't done; out of a range of sexual options available within heterosexual sex.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 13:31

Exactly, MI.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 26/02/2017 13:32

I'll be honest, you are luck she waited until 17 that is incredibly sensible and with someone shes been dating for a while, even better. And she told you.

I'd say there you have a very mature, sensible daughter who you should be very proud of. Praise her honesty and openess and reassure her you are always there to talk should she ever want to.

Wish I would have been that close with my mum at that age!

Original poster

Silverine08 · 26/02/2017 13:42

Wow almost wishing I hadn't posted this. Thanks for the replies all, especially those who clearly have got daughters and understand that putting everything aside, it is quite a strange experience.

Slightly confused by those who said I had no right to feel anything. Last time I checked my human handbook you just feel what you feel, no one told me I had to apply for a right to my feelings!

And yes you are absolutely right, when my sons get to this point I won't feel the same. It's old fashioned I know but for most of the girls I know, having sex especially for the first time was generally tied up with some fairly strong emotions whereas boys were just desperate to have sex. Maybe this has totally changed over the last decade or so and girls are not that bothered who they first have sex with. DD is probably somewhere between the two, not thinking he's the love of her life but definitely really into him and having slept with him she would be absolutely devastated if he disappears in the next month or so.

I guess I'll just accept that I'm unusual in feeling a mixture of strangeness and some concern in case this doesn't go as she is hoping. And before I get barked at, I don't share any of these worries with her. She's going to have loads of bad break ups and bed experiences like every other person and I'm sure I won't even think about it in time. But I do envy the parents on here who have never had any feelings or concerns as their child became more and more independent.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 13:46

But I do envy the parents on here who have never had any feelings or concerns as their child became more and more independent.

Do you want a medal for better parenting or something?yes, we are all callous and unfeeling - and our kids are all dropping out of school, thanks for that dig from another poster upthread - because we can accept our young adult offspring are exploring their sexual identities without our input.

Even girls

expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 13:48

' It's old fashioned I know but for most of the girls I know, having sex especially for the first time was generally tied up with some fairly strong emotions whereas boys were just desperate to have sex. Maybe this has totally changed over the last decade or so and girls are not that bothered who they first have sex with. '

Dear god! I'm 46 and first had sex 30 years ago, far beyond 'the last decade or so'. I'm so glad I discovered people who weren't sexist throwbacks to the 1950s and felt because I was female I shouldn't be 'desperate for sex' or that I was some kind of slag for having sex without being in some big ol' fairytale relationships, and that also didn't mean I 'wasn't that bothered' about whom I first had sex with .

'But I do envy the parents on here who have never had any feelings or concerns as their child became more and more independent.'

A* for passive aggro veiled dig at those who don't agree with you. That hardly means they don't have any feelings or concerns about their children doing what all children should do - grow into adults. So many children don't get that chance.

OneWithTheForce · 26/02/2017 13:49

for most of the girls I know, having sex especially for the first time was generally tied up with some fairly strong emotions whereas boys were just desperate to have sex.

Probably because their parents perpetuate the idea that they should.

AyeAmarok · 26/02/2017 13:52

OP, if the issue is concern that your child is growing/grown up, rather than rampant sexism, then you'd feel the same way if it was your DS.

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2017 13:53

I was 15 at a house party when i lost my virginity. Dont faint, OP!

expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 13:55

I chose my first partner very carefully. I wanted someone I knew well, someone I knew who was experienced, who was relaxed and enjoyed sex as a fun pastime and most all, who didn't have hangups about how sex was something only for people who were coupled up. I was certainly bothered about who it was.

Fairenuff · 26/02/2017 13:56

Boys have strong emotions around sex too OP, I hope you give your sons the same attention and closeness that you afford your daughter. They may be under even more pressure to have sex at an early age because of attitudes like yours. You need to debunk that myth you're spouting.

Also, you do realise that your dd has probably been doing everything except penetrative sex for some time, she didn't stop being your innocent 'little baby' overnight.

I think you sound overinvested tbh.

Iamastonished · 26/02/2017 13:59

I'm surprised at some of the responses on here. DD and I are very close, but there are some things she just doesn't want to share with me, and I respect her privacy. Personally I think it is weird that the OP's daughter would ring her mother to tell her.

I take the view that DD has been in a loving relationship with her boyfriend for over a year, and if she has slept with him it is far better this way than a hasty fumble with a random stranger that she has picked up in a nightclub.

I felt this way the first (and only) time she got drunk. She went to a friend's house for a sleepover with three other friends. They all got very drunk and DD spent most of the following day asleep after being horribly sick. This was over a year ago, and while she might have the odd cider she isn't interested in drinking or getting drunk. Again, I took the view that she was safe with these friends and not in a pub or nightclub full of random strangers.

I don't want to be viewed as the cool parent, and feel that I should be more upset, but somehow I don't.

ChocolateWombat · 26/02/2017 14:00

I think first sex is a milestone for both girls and boys. Often as parents we do t get to know when it's happened. OPS child has a close relationship with her and felt happy to tell her. OP wasn't critical and doesn't say her DD has changed in her eyes - she simply acknowledges the feelings most parents have as their children gradually grow up and reach milestones. We absolutely want them to grow up and do the things that are appropriate for their age and spread their wings and fly. We can still remember back to when they were tiny children and feel a little bit of sadness about the fact they are no longer that way - it doesn't mean we love them any the less or judge them or we them as different people now.

Sex is a milestone for both girls and boys. Regardless of our own experiences and attitudes, we all hope our children will have a positive first experience.....and it sounds like OPs daughter has. Being concerned for our child is a normal part of being a parent....and sex is an area where there is scope for great pleasure and joy and great hurt - and none of us want the latter for our kids. Of course it's an area where we don't need to know every little detail and that is private for the child, and the amount of info shared with parents will probably be very little or none. However, I do worry if people hear that their child has had sex for the first time or is contemplating it and just shrug and feel nothing about it.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 14:02

'I take the view that DD has been in a loving relationship with her boyfriend for over a year, and if she has slept with him it is far better this way than a hasty fumble with a random stranger that she has picked up in a nightclub.'

How is it better? Is there something magical about being in a relationship that makes it a better grade of sex? I've had some mind-blowing knee tremblers and some incredibly shite sex is 'loving relationships'. I never found that my sex life needed to be tied up in someone else's sexist myth about what emotions I should associate with it.

Iamastonished · 26/02/2017 14:03

"But I do envy the parents on here who have never had any feelings or concerns as their child became more and more independent."

I am desperate for DD to be more independent. She suffers from anxiety and doesn't do most things that other 16 year olds do. She won't get a bus, except for the school bus, she won't order food in a cafe, she won't answer the phone or the front door. Her social life has suffered as a result.

Iamastonished · 26/02/2017 14:04

"How is it better?"

It is better for her. We cross posted - see my post ^^

expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 14:05

'However, I do worry if people hear that their child has had sex for the first time or is contemplating it and just shrug and feel nothing about it.'

This is a source of worry for you? Seriously? FWIW, haven't read any responses on here along the lines of shrugging and feeling nothing about it.

Iamastonished · 26/02/2017 14:06

DD isn't you expat. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship for sex, and on the other side of the argument, not everyone wants to have a one night stand with someone they don't know. Don't judge my daughter by your own values.

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 14:08

To quote the great Armistead Maupin's Anna Madrigal: "your first time at sex doesn't work".

And you're all focusing on one element of heterosexual activity. What about lesbian and gay kids? What about other sorts of non-penetrative sex? Yes, penetrative heterosexual sex carries a risk of pregnancy and/or STIs so it's crucial to know about protection.

But just calling that activity 'sex' is a bit...weird.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 14:08

I never said she was, Iam . Merely speculated widely as per the top on how sex in a 'loving relationship' is necessarily better than other types of sex. Funny you read so much into it and take it so personally and get so touchy about it.

ChocolateWombat · 26/02/2017 14:09

Expat, that is a conclusion that you have reached for your own sex life. Fair enough. Your DC may reach that view too.
However, would you acknowledge that sex can be the source of problems for lots of people? Whilst it can make people feel great, stuff associated with it can also make people feel crap - even if it's never been like that for you. And wouldn't you want to protect your DC both boys and girls from stuff that makes them feel crap? I think lamonished I simply saying that she has felt her DD has experienced some of the milestones in ways which might be less likely to create problems than in ways which might be more problematic......and she's pleased about that, in the same way most parents would be pleased to know that the first time drunk and first experience of sex were not horrible and traumatic or dangerous.

Splinters6 · 26/02/2017 14:11

I have both boys and girls. I've told them all that sex is a fabulous perk of adulthood. That consent is paramount as is looking after your sexual health and preventing pregnancy until that's what you want. I've told them sex can be loving and intense or sometimes just fun. I've told them it can be a mind blowingly amazing or sometimes a bit rubbish. I've told them that above all, respect is crucial, both for their partners and themselves. I've told them there will be times when quantity is key and times when quality is key and tried to end every talk reminding them that it's supposed to be fun.

I absolutely do not feel any different about my sons having sex to my daughters having sex. I hope I've taught my sons that women love sex as much as men. I also hope my daughters grow up knowing that sex is primarily something they should enjoy.

As long as I've taught them to enjoy it and look after themselves then the rest of their sex life is really none of my business.

Asfir thise saying it's different for girls;

Iamastonished · 26/02/2017 14:12

Thank you Chocolate You have articulated it better than I did.
I felt that expat was criticising my views and feelings, so of course I became defensive.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 14:12

Oh, dear god, there are some seriously frustrated armchair psychologists on here. The rugby is on. I'm off to indulge in some heterosexual fantasies of an erotic nature involving sweaty men with big thighs.

Shockers · 26/02/2017 14:17

I also think it's a big deal OP, and clearly your DD does too because she wanted you to know.

It sounds as though you have a very good relationship with her and you can be confident that if she has a problem, she will also share that with you.

Congratulations on raising a well adjusted young woman!

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