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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter lost her virginity-not sure how I feel

109 replies

Silverine08 · 26/02/2017 11:31

I had my daughter quite young (21) and we've always had a close, honest and open relationship. We have talked about sex and I've offered some of my experiences and advice mostly as cautionary tales such as just because you sleep with a boy doesn't mean he loves you, respect yourself etc.

She's always been very sensible and mature and to be honest I thought she would probably have her first sexual experience at uni. Well I was wrong. She started going out with a boy around Christmas and she called me last night to tell me she had slept with this guy. She's 17. On the one hand I'm pleased she told me but on the other I feel really weird about it. I didn't really know what to say to her.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What am I supposed to say to her about it. I feel I should be doing something but I'm not sure what! Also feel like my baby girl has kind of gone.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 26/02/2017 12:21

What am I supposed to say to her about it?

You need to hang out bunting congratulating her, decorate the front door with condoms and other contraceptives and bake a "you've had sex!" cake.

No, seriously, you say nothing. Just carry on as normal!

Voice0fReason · 26/02/2017 12:27

She hasn't been a 'baby-girl' for many years now.

atheistmantis · 26/02/2017 12:30

It's good that she told you. Now you don't need to do anything except let her know that she can always come to you if there is a problem.

Fairenuff · 26/02/2017 12:32

Haha SoupDragon

I think I would say 'That's nice dear but there is such a thing as oversharing'.

OneWithTheForce · 26/02/2017 12:34

I think it's time you stopped being emotionally involved in your daughters sex life! Glad that she told you? Why? Why do you need to know this information unless she is upset about it?

BadToTheBone · 26/02/2017 12:38

Please don't let her know how you feel, she'll take it that she's disappointed you and that she's changed in your eyes. Potentially she'll see sex as negative and develop a bad relationship with it.

As it happens it seems she's doing a normal thing and feels close enough to you to tell you, she's in a good relationship and she's done it when she felt ready, all very healthy imo.

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 12:40

Dear god, keep your beak out.

I have no idea if my 16yo has had penetrative sex with her boyfriend. I do know she knows about contraception and I've offered to take her to the clinic if she'd like. I am a total over-sharer myself but this is part of her life which really isn't my business.

namechangedtoday15 · 26/02/2017 12:45

OP some of the responses on here are a bit weird, of course its a big deal and yes I'm sure I'll have similar feelings when the time comes.

I think you just have to reiterate that you'll be there for her for any support she needs / questions she might have. But its amazing that she feels comfortable enough to discuss this with you - sounds to me like you both have it spot on and a very loving open relationship. I'll be thrilled if my daughters feel the same way when the time comes .

SoupDragon · 26/02/2017 12:48

OP some of the responses on here are a bit weird, of course its a big deal and yes I'm sure I'll have similar feelings when the time comes.

Of course it isn't a big deal! The girl is 17! My eldest is now 18 and has been with his girlfriend for over a year. I assume they have had sex, I have no idea though. I do not feel at all weird about it or indeed feel anything at all other than being happy that he is happy in his relationship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2017 12:52

She's had a sensual/sexual experience including penetrative sex for the first time in a meaningful relationship in an age appropriate manner. Nothing about her has changed. I see 'losing virginity' as very much a patriarchal concept, which for females is about loss of virtue and for males is about seeing their wild oats. Your dd and you have lost nothing and she has gained an enriching experience and no stds as long as she practised safe sex. So breathe. It will all be fine

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 12:52

And again I agree with Soupy.

I am much more relieved that my lovely DD1 is learning how to have a nice, happy relationship with someone who clearly really likes her than about what they are doing in bed. My experience - and I've had a lot of sex with lots of people, frequently enjoying it enormously - is that this is much more important to learn.

BettyBaggins · 26/02/2017 12:52

Keep the lines of communication open, just because she's DTD doesn't mean there won't be any questions about types of contraception or relationship advice going forward.

I also agree that it is a precious time but not one that you can get too involved with. Well done for making your DD feel secure and confident enough to wait and be able to chat with you about it.

ChocolateWombat · 26/02/2017 12:53

To those who seem to be criticising the OP for posting about this....I find your angle quite odd.
OP isn't criticising her daughter for what has happened, but has just said it has made her feel a bit funny. Having sex for the first time is a big step for anyone. Yes, it's perfectly normal, but that doesn't make it not a big deal. It should be a big deal for the person involved and when a parent knows about it, it is a bit of a milestone in seeing their child grow up too....of course it is. As parents, it should strike us as a big deal and not something to just shrug about and forget about. As parents, we are ineteretsed in all the big firsts - first day at school, first trip away from home alone, first boyfriend, first sex, first time living away from home. OP is allowed to have mixed feelings about it. She isn't denying her child the chance to grow up or saying she shouldn't have sex, nor saying she's going to interfere....she's just sharing that it's a milestone that makes her feel a bit odd. And I think the thought of our daughters being sexualised, whilst entirely normal does make most parents feel a mixture of emotions, because whilst growing up is a series of events and stages, this is one of the big ones.

I think it's a sad reflection on society if someone can't post that they feel like this, without being criticised.

tigerdriverII · 26/02/2017 12:54

and in my opinion it is a big deal, particularly for a girl

Good grief. Hadn't realised the 1950s had trotted back with their good old double standards

Haggisfish · 26/02/2017 12:55

Gosh I also think some of these replies are harsh. I have s great relationship with my mum and told her things like this, and I hope my dd will always be able to talk about it with me, if she wants to. I think I will feel a bit odd, too-it is a definite adult step! I'd just check she feels ok about it all, or ask if she had any concerns etc and not mention it again.

Haggisfish · 26/02/2017 12:56

Actually, chocolate said my thoughts much more eloquently!

RyanStartedTheFire · 26/02/2017 12:56

I think it's a sad reflection on society if someone can't post that they feel like this, without being criticised
It's a sad reflection on society that OP's daughter is changed in her eyes purely for having sex. If it was a boy would you be upset?

SouthWestmom · 26/02/2017 12:59

I agree with chocolate wombat

There's such a 'thing' on here about being really cool and hands off and laid back as a parent. It's so weird. The only people I know like that in RL are the ones with kids up to all sorts of crap and dropping out of school.

It just raises other questions. For me, dd had sex very early on in knowing someone and it triggered me thinking about how that would be going forward. I don't want a series of men staying over so how was I going to approach this? Yes to each and every bf? Yes of they'd been dating x months? And also, not really wanting to think about another adult's sex life but having to because they live with me.

It is another 'first' op, and mulling it over is fine.

Haggisfish · 26/02/2017 12:59

She's not upset though. And, yes, I'll feel odd when ds has sex for the first time! Not sad, disappointed or anything else. Just a bit odd.

AllTheLight · 26/02/2017 13:06

Of course her DD has changed! Did you wake up the day after losing your virginity feeling exactly the same as you did the day before? And yes, of course, ditto for a boy losing his.

RyanStartedTheFire · 26/02/2017 13:07

Also feel like my baby girl has kind of gone.
This would suggest to me OP is upset about it and that her DD has done something to change her status in her Mum's eyes.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 13:07

By 17 I'd already slept with 3 men because I tried it once (at 16) and discovered I loved it and I didn't like monogamy. I wish I hadn't been told some song and dance about 'sex is about being in a loving relationship'. Maybe for some, but I certainly didn't want a boyfriend/girlfriend set up at that age and sex can be enjoyed between people who consent without needing to be in romantic relationship. I let my kids know that, too, rather than risk their feeling bad because they enjoy sex but not monogamy.

AllTheLight · 26/02/2017 13:08

I said 'I feel my baby girl is growing up' when, for example, she went away on a residential school trip. Not because I was upset, it's just a thing to say.

OneWithTheForce · 26/02/2017 13:10

Totally agree with expat teens shouldn't be basing their sexual decisions on whether their mother will be sad about it.

RyanStartedTheFire · 26/02/2017 13:11

Big difference between growing up and gone. Sad to see how much value is still placed on virginity in women, especially by other women.

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