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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Daughter lost her virginity-not sure how I feel

109 replies

Silverine08 · 26/02/2017 11:31

I had my daughter quite young (21) and we've always had a close, honest and open relationship. We have talked about sex and I've offered some of my experiences and advice mostly as cautionary tales such as just because you sleep with a boy doesn't mean he loves you, respect yourself etc.

She's always been very sensible and mature and to be honest I thought she would probably have her first sexual experience at uni. Well I was wrong. She started going out with a boy around Christmas and she called me last night to tell me she had slept with this guy. She's 17. On the one hand I'm pleased she told me but on the other I feel really weird about it. I didn't really know what to say to her.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What am I supposed to say to her about it. I feel I should be doing something but I'm not sure what! Also feel like my baby girl has kind of gone.

OP posts:
claraschu · 26/02/2017 14:17

Evidence that the OP has a great attitude towards sex and a great relationship with her daughter: dd waited till she was 17 and in a stable relationship, and then felt comfortable telling her mum.

There are some unpleasant posts on here.

As far as the "especially for a girl" comment, I think it is disingenuous to pretend that sex doesn't tend to be slightly more significant to mothers when it comes to our daughters. I think this is for 2 reasons: as women we naturally relate very personally to our daughters' first sexual experiences; girls can get pregnant.

Splinters6 · 26/02/2017 14:20

I just cannot get my head around the OP feeling 'her little girl has gone' when all she's done is have sex. Teenagers think about sex all the time. Most teenagers want to have sex. It's an absolutely age appropriate activity for them as long as they feel happy to indulge.

If the op's daughter is destressed by her experience or regrets it then it's gone for the OP to become involved and talk to her DD about how it's often a bit rubbish the first few times and how it's ok to feel however she feels but not to be put off because soon enough it will get better and if she's lucky, she'll meet someone and the frisson will blow her mind.

Fairenuff · 26/02/2017 14:21

I do worry if people hear that their child has had sex for the first time or is contemplating it and just shrug and feel nothing about it.

I think it's more like an internal acknowledgement. It was going to happen, it has happened, it was fine. There's nothing to really get emotional about as far as I can see. Any more than if they told you they'd had oral sex for the first time, or kissed for the first time, or held hands for the first time.

RyanStartedTheFire · 26/02/2017 14:23

'However, I do worry if people hear that their child has had sex for the first time or is contemplating it and just shrug and feel nothing about it.'

Oh please Hmm just because I won't push sexist ideas/pressures onto my kids and place sex on a pedestal doesn't mean I don't give a fuck.

RyanStartedTheFire · 26/02/2017 14:26

clara I think those reasons are far more likely to be old fashioned views that have filtered in, maybe subconsciously. Pregnancy is easily avoided if proactive, and yes, we can empathise as women but I don't think that's a reason for thinking that your daughter is no longer your baby.

Fairenuff · 26/02/2017 14:27

I think it is disingenuous to pretend that sex doesn't tend to be slightly more significant to mothers when it comes to our daughters

For you maybe. I treat my children the same. You think that makes me a liar? Confused

Splinters6 · 26/02/2017 14:28

Claraschu, I don't feel like that at all. I feel no different about my daughters' sex life to my sons'. I want them all to have lots of good, fun, amazing sex. I am happy for my daughters to have as many partners as their brothers. Likewise, I have taught my sons that unplanned pregnancy is just as much their responsibility. I have also taught them that if they do not want to become a father then they must use a condom. I've taught them all that condoms should be pretty much mandatory until they are in a very stable, mature relationship where trust is absolute.

ChocolateWombat · 26/02/2017 14:34

I don't think it's about putting sex on a pedestal. I think you are right that teenagers spend a lot of time thinking about sex. At the point when they haven't done it before, it's a bit of a mystery and so of course for them it is a big deal and a milestone - more so for some rather than others, but an acknowledged milestone amongst teenagers as a group and as individuals.
For us as adults who have probably been having sex for years, some with the same person and others with lots of different partners, for ourselves it can become mundane and just normal. We can forget what it's like to be contemplating having sex when you haven't had it before. It is a big deal for kids.
And I'm glad that people 'give a fuck' - I appreciate that might be in different forms. The OP had mixed feelings about her DD having sex - I would have thought that was pretty common. Her DD had reached a milestone in OPs view. For some people on this thread it seems like first sex isn't much of a milestone, but I think that for the kids and also for many parents it is.
Just out of interest, if you don't see first sex as a bit of a key milestone in life, what do you see as being the key milestones? Genuine question.

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 14:36

GCSEs. I am far more concerned that my 16 year old gets a decent clutch of GCSEs this summer than with her sex life.

Leaving school. Leaving home.

All that sort of thing.

Splinters6 · 26/02/2017 14:49

I'm also far more concerned about whose car my teenagers get into than whose bed. I lecture far more about calling for a taxi rather than getting in a car with someone who has had a drink or taken drugs or who they know to be reckless.

sunshinesupermum · 26/02/2017 14:57

I am constantly surprised by how unfeeling some Mumsnetters are in their comments.

It is great that the OP's daughter confides in her and also understandable too that the OP feels strange now that her daughter has become an adult by having sex for the first time. It as nothing to do with the age of the young woman at all and as long as she is being sensible and taking precautions I hope she goes on to have a very happy and fulflling (sex) life! No doubt her heart will be broken along the way but hey, that IS life!

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 15:06

Oh god yes: never leave your drink unattended is a message I hammer in.

I'm unfeeling that way.Hmm

Neverthelessshepersisted · 26/02/2017 15:25

Lovely posts from Chocolate Wombat.:)

I agree with the poster who compared it to the way you feel the first time your child goes on a school residential.

Can I also join the queue of people impressed that the daughter felt able to share this very personal information? OP your instinct not to really say anything is to your credit.

The bittersweet feeling of love, loss and separation is what parenting a healthy happy child through to adulthood is all about isn't it?

I'm sure there is a positive intent behind the critical posts but I don't understand them.

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2017 16:56

Iamastonished Expat was hardly judging your daughter. Just disagreeing that losing your virginity whilst in a relationship is not necessarily better. Just because you think it is, doesnt mean it is (or isnt) and doesbt mean what you think is best for your daughter either. Dont be so sensitive!

ChocolateWombat · 26/02/2017 18:32

Things I would consider as milestones for my DC boys and girls, would include first day at school, first time away from home over night, first day at secondary school, first period (girls only obv), first sex, first time living away from home, first job, living with someone/getting married, first house bought, when they have kids.
With each of these steps, I would be glad to see them growing up and becoming more independent. I would hope that each thing could be a positive experience, rather than an unpleasant one....and hope I had done something to help them prepare for it so it could be positive, or that they had been equipped to cope if it wasn't positive. And with most of these steps, a tinge (and it's only a slight tinge) of sadness that the child is no longer quite so dependent on me would be felt, admist a stronger feeling of being proud of them for being themesleves and their growing up.

It reminds me of that song Meryl Streep sings in Mama Mia when she looks at her beautiful daughter about to get married - she is thrilled and proud and wouldn't have things any other way, but she also looks back on when the DD was a little girl with a bit of sadness because that phase is in the past and cannot return. Don't we all sometimes think back to when our older Dc were little and feel just a little bit wistful.....it doesn't mean we begrudge them growing up or think they shouldn't.

And I echo the many congrats given to OP for managing to have a relationship with her DD where she felt able to tell her mother about first time sex, and that she wanted to. It was important to the DD and she wanted to share it. I think OP was right to not say too much and it clearly is a private matter for the DD. As others have said, if it's appropriate in their relationship for the OP to just check about precautions in a very low key kind of way, she can, but there's little more to be said.

In a few weeks, OP won't even really think about this issue. I think she's allowed to feel a bit funny about it for a little while - it's her DD taking another step away from being a child. The feeling will quickly pass and is entirely normal.

Just out of interest, to those of you who are big advocates of one-off sex being as good a context as sex within relationships, I just wonder if you would also say that for someone having first sex? I understand that for adults, many people feel like that and many men and women are able to enjoy lots of sex with lots of people and find it more enjoyable that way and don't feel they suffer any harm from it. If you think it's preferable, would you also think it was preferable for a first time? Again, genuine question.

SoupDragon · 26/02/2017 18:52

Thanks for the replies all, especially those who clearly have got daughters and understand that putting everything aside, it is quite a strange experience.

I have a daughter as well as two sons.

namechangedtoday15 · 26/02/2017 20:32

Soupdragon only just logged on again since lunchtime hence the delayed response.

We don't all have to agree but anything that is a big deal to my children is a big deal to me. And having sex for the first time is a big deal. I'd actually (as a parent) be quite perturbed if my daughter or son (I have boy/girl twins and feel exactly the same about both of them) if they saw sex as something routine or something they didn't think was worthy of some thought at 17.

SoupDragon · 26/02/2017 21:02

We don't all have to agree

Except you seemed to imply that those that don't agree with you are weird.

motherinferior · 26/02/2017 21:05

I'm finding the very strong hints that those of us who do not want to pry into the sex lives of our young adult sons and daughters are unfeeling and uncaring quite offensive.

Unicorndreamer · 26/02/2017 21:06

It's brilliant she has told you and I so get how u have mixed emotions. Ignore all the pathetic judge comments from people who are criticising and saying "what's the big deal" ! Its a HUGE DEAL and something you should feel proud of that your dd feels close enough to disclose such personal info. I hope when my dd turns 17 she is as open with me. Xxx

Splinters6 · 26/02/2017 21:15

Me too (daughters as well as sons)

SomewhereNow · 26/02/2017 21:18

*ChocolateWombat you talk a lot of sense. Rightly or wrongly OP I think I'd feel exactly as you do - not just about first time sex but any kind of sign that they're growing up and spreading their wings. You're pleased that they're happy and willing to share but it can feel bittersweet, nothing wrong with that imo.

SomewhereNow · 26/02/2017 21:19

Oh and OP was/is hardly prying into her DD's life - her DD phoned and told her of her own free will Confused.

Travelledtheworld · 27/02/2017 23:25

OP I am sorry people are being so horrible to you.
I am in a similar situation with my daughter, and I feel sort of resigned and sad. It's a rite of passage for you, as a Mum, as well as your daughter.
So hugs to you

TheEdgeofSeventeen · 27/02/2017 23:27

LOl tbf i only knew one virgin at Uni and it was for religious reasons ... she's actually older than the average i'd say.