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Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Coping with losing the child as they grow up

92 replies

slipperandpjsmum · 11/03/2012 09:31

I have always had a great relationship with my ds who is now almost 16 and I really admire the young man he is becoming. But I can't help but feel a little sad when I look at pictures of him when he was younger. I miss the child he was. Am I the only person who misses the child they used to be?

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 11/03/2012 09:34

I know what you mean slipper. DS1 will be 13 in a few months, He is a huge ball of worry and stress about school and everything else. I look back at the pictures where he was all carefree and smiley.

CuttedUpPear · 11/03/2012 09:38

Yes I feel like this too. I miss my little cuddly and charming DS and feel so lonely now all he cares about is his computer.
I find it's best not to look at those photos!

Original poster

slipperandpjsmum · 11/03/2012 09:43

Its funny isn't it Sparkling and Cutted* I always took lots of photos thinking how nice they would be to look at, not that I would feel sad!

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 11/03/2012 09:45

Exactly slipper. I don't like looking at them because he seems to have the weight of the world on his shoulders at the moment and rarely smiles.

I am clinging to DS2 (9) who isn't feeling the stress just yet and is very funny and silly, but he too will become a teenager.

Hollyfoot · 11/03/2012 09:51

Its a bittersweet time isnt it? I miss the nativity plays and them bringing home stuff they made at school, but now my DD and DSS are at Uni, there's a real sense that you have sent them on their way equipped to face the world. Its also lovely (and very rewarding) having a more adult relationship with them, they are lovely company now and very interesting as young adults in their own right.

CuttedUpPear · 11/03/2012 23:10

Aw yes, the stuff they made at school - so tragic and sweet!
There are lots of things I don't miss - the school run, the playground, cleaning food/paint/worse off the walls.

But a quiet and tidy house isn't all it's cracked up to be!

SecretSquirrels · 12/03/2012 11:16

Mine are 14 and 16 now and I still feel sad at each stage we leave behind.
I remember when I moved the cot from my room to DS1's own room when he was 6 months old. I felt bereft.

What I do know is that every year, every stage they have been delightful in different ways. I have loved it all. I always wish they would stay the age they are forever, and yet I'm constantly surprised by how much of a pleasure they are at the next age.

When you have babies people always say you must treasure every minute as it goes so quickly. Well I've tried to do that and I do love the teenage years as well. But I miss a lot about those early days and I dread them leaving home .

I do feel now that DS1 is 16 that I really have only 2 years left. The likelihood is that he'll go to university at 18 and may never live at home again. The old saying that a girl is a daughter forever and a boy is a son until he has a wife has a lot of truth to it.

Solo · 12/03/2012 11:21

This has made me cry...:(

BarbieDahl · 12/03/2012 11:25

I cope by looking forward to having grandchildren but I may have to wait a while (i hope ) as they're only 14 and 17.

Gasbluewithlavenderbeads · 12/03/2012 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angelpantser · 12/03/2012 11:36

My DD1 turns 18 next month and I have spent the last couple of days looking through photos to make a photobook for her. This thread has tipped me over the edge and I now have big silent tears streaming down my face.

She has a 2 younger siblings and I'm still going to experience teenage angst from DD2 and nativity plays from DS (Reception year) for some time yet. Plus the school run nightmare and ORT - oh joy!

I am excited for her as she becomes an adult and have loved checking out Universities with her. I've not really thought about each stage being over as such, it's always been more a case of looking forward. I do remember when she was born and saying to my DM that I couldn't wait for her to walk and talk. DM said that I would then be grateful for the rare occasions that she sat down and shut up!

OlympicEater · 12/03/2012 11:55

[bittersweet sob]

DS is well established as a stroppy teen with a social life / language and friends of his own making that I have little part in other than to taxi him there and back and hand out cash.

My little crumb of comfort is first thing in the morning and last thing at night when I get a big hug and kiss and he is my little boy again. I'd love to be able to scoop him up onto my knee, cover his face in kisses and stroke his hair like I used to be allowed to, but the reality is that size wise he's more able to pick me up, one kiss is my limit and his hair is so thick with product that I am not allowed to touch.

Gasbluewithlavenderbeads · 12/03/2012 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretSquirrels · 12/03/2012 12:44

Oh I still get plenty of hugs and kisses from both DSs, but from DS1 I suspect he does it for my benefit. I sense he's not keen when I lean over his chair and absent mindedly stroke his hair or his forehead though.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2012 12:46

I just want to have a big cry. DS1 went off again this morning looking like he would rather do anything than go to school. I just wanted to drag him back into the car and take him home forever.

PollyMorfic · 12/03/2012 12:50

I love having teenagers. They're much more interesting than toddlers, and you don't spend your life wiping them and every surface they've come into contact with. They make me laugh and sometimes they bring me cups of tea, or even cook supper. And I don't have to worry about them drinking bleach or shoving stuffed animals down the loo as soon as my back is turned.

'S all good, I find.

OrmIrian · 12/03/2012 12:50

Well so far it's been easier than I expected. DS1 and DD are very close to me still. I am enjoying seeing them grown up into interesting, intelligent and decent people. But yes, the baby pics are a little painful at times....and will be more so when they finally cut the ties and move on.

How could it ever be different though. They are the most intense, close relationships of my life - and I know they will change fundamentally and permanently one day. It is inevitable and neccessary of course, but still bitter sweet.

noddyholder · 12/03/2012 12:54

You never lose it. You do have a fear of that as they grow up and it is intense when they first start to pull away.But they still are there and need you and want your input in different ways.

noddyholder · 12/03/2012 12:55

BTW the bulk of my friends with grown up and uni age children see them a lot and they mostly are all living at home!

KalSkirata · 12/03/2012 12:57

it is sad. Mine are young adults and I look at the toddler pictures and miss them. C'est la vie

BrianTheBrainSurgeon · 12/03/2012 12:57

DS is only 3.8 yo(!!!) and I already miss the baby years and his wobbly first steps and the way he used to bottom shuffle

upahill · 12/03/2012 12:57

I have all my photos on the computer which is almost always on so I have a permanant slide show of holidays, family meals, sports days, cubs and scout events etc.

I love each stage and enjoy the constant evolving of life.

I try not to live in the past but enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

Even now they are nearly 16 and 12 I make sure that we as a family do loads of stuff together. I also enjoy them being with their friends and hearing stories of gigs and festivals that they go to.

I still feel a pang when I come across an item of clothes that is too small for them !!

TheSecondComing · 12/03/2012 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 12/03/2012 13:13

I can't bear to think of it. I don't want to sound like a sad old twat who is living vicariously through her children, but I have no idea how I will cope when dd leaves home. What will I do? What will be the point?

And I have a career, partner, family and still feel like this. Fact is nobody comes close to dd.

God I sound deranged. We were turfing some stuff out yesterday, we found dd's folder of work from reception. We had a lovely time reading it, but it was also very sad. I regret the stress I felt at the time when dd was young - almost longing for her to start school because it would make childcare easier . I don't want another child but I would give anything to start again with dd and do it right this time.

It is funny how I am changing now she is getting older - I have always been very vocal in saying that if and when dd goes to university she should go somewhere a decent distance away, really branch out. Now it is closer to the time I am tempted to tell her to junk those ideas, go to the local uni and stay at home.

Sparklingbrook · 12/03/2012 13:15

Exactly GetOrf. If I had a DC3 now I would be bloody brilliant at it all. Poor DS1 was the guinea pig.

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