Coping with losing the child as they grow up

[slipperandpjsmum]

I have always had a great relationship with my ds who is now almost 16 and I really admire the young man he is becoming. But I can't help but feel a little sad when I look at pictures of him when he was younger. I miss the child he was. Am I the only person who misses the child they used to be?

I'm not sure why I clicked on this thread as I don't have teenagers but I'm so glad I did. My DCs are 9,6 & 3 so we're in the middle of living in chaos, toys everywhere, loads of washing, finger prints on my newly washed windows!! It's made me stop and think and appreciate this time.

My eldest is 9, I can't believe how quickly 9 years has passed us by, in 9 years time she will be 18 and probably about to leave home

Kellamity yes, you must embrace the chaos.

I am clearly nuts. Ds1 is 1 and I'm pg with Ds2 and already I'm dreading not being the most important person in their lives as they grow up. I haven't even met Ds2 yet. Nuts I tells ye!

Already thinking about whether i can convince DH to have another little one when the DS's have started school.

Getorf you put my feelings into words completely, so thats 2 of us who are deranged!
sparkling My DS is only 10 but also seems to have the worries of the world on his shoulders, which has made me recently avoid looking at the carefree toddler pictures dotted about as they are too painful I guess I am starting to feel redundant especially when I can't just magically fix everything for him.

I listened with interest the other day to a programme on R4 about Harvard and the like offering places to UK students. There was another one about universities in (I think) the Netherlands.

"How super!" I thought, despite all the crap with fees and whatnot, there are so many opportunities available for ds that simply weren't there when I was 18.

And then it occured to me that this would mean ds moving abroad for years and meeting a wife there and living there forever and I'll never see my grandchildren or him

I'm beginning to understand now why there are three or more generations of some families living on our estate, and moreover to envy them.

I might withdraw the acceptance I just sent to a pretty good school just in case ds does really well there. If I send him somewhere rubbish, he'll never leave me, will he?

Now who's sounding deranged, GetOrf?

at jenai.

My brother is a football coach, he went to work in america when he was in his uni holidays, and now lives in LA permanently. Much to my mother's despair.

DD is taking a FA coaching course in May, and has the idea of going out 'just for one summer' to do football coaching in a few years.

That is what my brother said. I feel an ominous sense of dread. I might start telling her that america is horrible, she would much more enjoy getting a summer job in a tea room in teh Cotswolds.

I've grieved for every stage ds has left behind from the baby stage and just feeling the weight of him over my shoulder, to the toddler stage with many a tantrum. What I wouldn't give to have it back. Hes starting high school in Sept and I can't bear it. Hate it when Mama Mia is on tv and the song 'slipping through my fingers' comes on, it has me in floods!

I remember feely quite pancky when dd was 16ish at the thought of her leaving home. Gradually the time came closer , first it was a gap yr of travels so I got used to her being away.

I miss her a lot but tbh she is obviously stifled when she's home for any length of time. She's planning her next trip , her next night out ,likes being at home but in other ways is like a caged animal and easier to let go.

It definitely is easier if you let them go gradually. My ds has a very full social life and is often away for the odd night here and there and we are used to that. It really shines a spotlight on your relationship though and it is now that I am so glad we never let that slide and love spending time just the two of us

ds moving abroad for years and meeting a wife there and living there forever and I'll never see my grandchildren or him.
Deranged here too. DS1 has now got it into his head that he wants to go to Uni in the US. My first thoughts were exactly that JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar. When I tried feeble words of discouragement DH was puzzled and DS thought I was being unsupportive.
I am hoping he will quietly forget it.
I can now imagine how my grandmother felt in the 1960s when her daughter emigrated to Australia and she never saw her again.

We have a few years yet. Probably six years til they head off to uni.

We do think about it though, DH in particular, and we've started to make plans of the things we want to show them, the places we want to take them.

No more putting things off.

Mine is off to sixth form in UK in September which means I won't be seeing him every day. It's the right thing for him, but I will find it so hard. Thank god for the cat; he will get hugged instead.

Another deranged mother here!

I was thinking exactly this yesterday as I sat in the park while DS practised his footy skills.

I watched all the families with little toddlers - when my DC were that age, we were exhausted with getting through the day and at times wished they were older.

Now I wish I could turn the clock back for DD, who is now a hormonal teen. I felt like I had lost a big part of her when she started at secondary school

Oh my goodness - I was gazing at my boys last night before I went to bed (5 and 2) and suddenly felt an enormous wave of 'how on earth will I cope when they are grown up and have moved out'? I'm nuts - it's years away, and I know it's a parents job to raise them so they confidently stride off into the world, hopefully popping back now and again, but it made me admire my parents even more. Every night when they are sleeping, I kiss my boys goodnight and say thank you.

I'm going to have to get a cat, aren't I?

Anyway, I thought that was why teens were so vile - to help you let go?

Hey.. ladies.. STOP THAT at once!!

They don't leave you.. honest they don't!! Instead you look at them one day and realise you are looking at the most wonderful young adults, with hearts that still need you, but minds of their own and capabilities you never imagined.. and you are so so SO proud of them!

Mine are 20, 19 (on wednesday) 18 and nearly 15. When they were small I felt the same.. don't grow up on me! When DD1 left to go to University in sept 2010 I thought my heart would break from it.. but when she returned in the holidays, a wonderful independent young adult I realised that she hasn't left me at all.. she has arrived ..she is now the person I had been building all along! Our job isn't to keep them dependent, but to help them grow and enable them..and I have found the teen years amazing..they LOOK bigger, they act bigger.. but they need you just as much and when they finally fly the nest a bit, they return much more appreciative of you

My little blonde boy who cuddled me.. well he's now a big blonde boy... who still cuddles me (or picks me up and deposits me somewhere for his amusement!) He still needs me.. they all still need me, just in different ways.

• Please remind me of this post when DD2 leaves for Uni this autumn and I'm sobbing again )

I feel this way too. try not to live through them but do. my ED will be off in sept to uni.... and although I want her to go I don't at the same time.

Medusa thank you for that

Nightlark - I have just got a cat. So they will overlap.

SecretSquirrels my Mum did similar. I can't imagine how my grandmother felt - I only met her 3 times.

yes , Medusa, that is lovely to hear - thank you

Hi ya I have a daughter who is 11 years old but saddly she was adpted without my chosie... :0( Ever since then, I have been afraid to have another baby!! The good thing about my girl (Sinead) is I get letter and pic's twice a year..

Hi ya

I have a 11 year girl... Unfortunalty she was taken into adoption 10 years ago :0( I haven't stopped loving her and wantting her everyday!!! I do get pic's and letters twice a year plus, I have a good relationship with her Now I want another baby but I am secord they will take it away again.